AIBU for asking DH to be selective about what he says to who

[painpoints]

The main issues ruining my marriage relate to our (me and DH's) approaches with regards to people outside our marriage (in-laws, friends, sometimes even random people like someone we spoke to for 20 minutes in a club). Its a complex issue for us with various incidents that have come up and escalated over the years. At the moment, I would like to ask about one particular thing though - AIBU for asking DH not to share certain information about our life with certain people?

An example - I dont want him to tell a friend of his that we have fertility issues, or that my MIL and I have some serious disagreements now, etc. Reason being this friend is rude to me, clearly doesn't like me and has made that obvious through some of his actions (DH himself agrees he wishes his friend didn't do that). I don't feel this friend will be a neutral, well-wishing party to talk about these things with. However, DH wants to nurture his friendships which he says involves feeling free to share information, his feelings, etc (key thing for him he says is having the autonomy and freedom to do so if he wants to, rather than having to agree with me what he can say to who, which he feels is a massive constraint).

Similar issues with DH's family; actually even worse as they operate like some gossip expressway (and a snobbish one at that, particularly towards extended family members or "outsiders" who don't sing off the same page). This dynamic has been particularly nasty in recent years as I have had growing disagreements with MIL (to me, that is a private matter between us and MIL but the family dynamic has meant its a stage set for intense gossiping, shows of power, loyalty, etc from all other family members). So again, in an environment like this, I want distance and privacy; I dont want to give them information about my life that I don't have to (keeping things just polite and minimal).

For DH though, this is his friends and family; he says he loves them and I am ruining everything for him by wanting these boundaries on what is said to them. He says its changing the relationships, making everyone feel guarded and he is going to be "outcast" by his family. DH agrees the family dynamic is dysfunctional but I guess its the only way they know to be close. So he insists he wants to be himself, loving and freely sharing information like he always used to.

DH's point of view - my approach is driving a wedge between him and "people he loves". He needs to have the freedom and autonomy to say whatever he wants, to whoever he wants; that I should just trust him to do the right thing.

My point of view - My DH has blind spots when it comes to "people he loves". I dont stop him from having a relationship with them (I make myself sparse but dont stop him); however I do want the boundaries on what he will be sharing with them. DH has other friends (plus counsellor) who are much more mature, sensible, etc and I feel he has an outlet there for his feelings, advice, etc. That he has to be careful who he chooses to share what with. AIBU?

I also think that the very fact your husband cares more about his friend who openly dislikes hostile about you,
Speaks volumes about about him ,
What a real Shit Joke of a so called Partner he really is,

Rember Action speaks louder than words, too,
And inaction also speaks volumes too,

If he was a good genuine partner he would have your back the very fact his so called friend is nasty about you,
Would upset him, repel him to cool off,fade out this so called friendship,
Instead he wants to keep in touch, with his friend,
When this so called friend hasn't got a reason to have issue with you,
It's not like you have tried to stop your partner from having a social life at all, or you are abusive to him,

So why is your Partner quite happy for his friend to be like that way to you Op?

Your husband should have had a word with his so called friend about his attitude at least, and or just distanced /cooled the friendship off,

Your husband attitude is hurtful as he dismissive, cavalier about revealing stuff of private nature and he mimises/trivialised your feelings

This is anonymous. I’m with OP. I wouldn’t want my personal stuff broadcast to the world.

I'd be on edge if stbxh had done something like this. I am in OPs position as I know even when things were great that the ILs never particularly liked me, now it's worse. Stbxh was very much didn't GAF what they thought. I've never felt completely comfortable around them, but I never tried to stop stbxh talking to them as he wanted, I asked that he saves it for when DC aren't there. I also can't stand his two closest friends, who are both sexist jerks, but if he needs support he should be able to get that from the friends and family he chooses too.

I'd take issue with your DH wanting to nurtue the relationship he has with a friend who is openly rude and hostile to you.
It is not sounding like he's willing to back you at all, in fact he'd rather argue about it. What that says is family and friends first, and you come after. If you have DC's going forward, would he put you behind them too? You are getting lower down his loyalty list, when really, you should be at the top. I think that could reflect how he views the place of a spouse in a broader general sense. Not necessarily personal to you, just that he'd maybe not hold any woman in high enough reguard.
You have a lot to consider, before ttc ideally. Is he the type of man to be hands on and involved in their upbringing, or would he leave a lot to you? What's his opinion of a spouse and mother's role? Is it put up and shut up there too?

"Family and friends first, and you come after." - this is something that has been a dread within me for a long time now. @Opentooffers I also think you are absolutely on to it with how he views the place of a spouse (and that any partner of his might go through the same thing).

He has often said he sees my role when it comes to his family and friends being "complementary" to his own relationships with them (ie. that I should help him have a good relationship with them and not place any value on my own relationship with them). This is why if they do anything rude, he would expect me to take it easy/quietly, as that would be best to "help him have a good relationship with them" because that is how he wants to react to the situation despite what they do. Also, to him, its insane to stand up to anyone (its like a weakness to give anyone that sort of time/energy). I have spent a lot of time wondering if this just some excuse he has made for hismelf, that makes him look good, for not being able to stand up to his family for any BS.

Ultimately, I think I fall well short of his idea of "ideal wife".

I'm of the same mindset as you, OP. I'd hate if my partner was sharing private family information, it's no one else's business.

I blame social media sites such as Facebook for example. Time was, people would never wash their dirty linen in public. Now with FB, everyone's life seems to be an open book!

I had a go at my brother once for this. He's very active on FB (I don't use it) but I learned he was always posting up stuff about our dad (since deceased) who had a degenerative condition. Maybe I was being unreasonable but it just rubbed me up the wrong way. Our dad was a very private person who would have HATED having his condition "publicised", or becoming sob story fodder for likes and emojis on Facebook!

I put my dm on an information diet, I’m very careful what I tell her, she broadcasts everything to everyone. She’ll get drunk and get on the phone to repeat stuff I’d just told her, oh me in the room! I tell her very little, whilst chatting merrily away about unimportant stuff. I know what you mean, OP, you don’t want everyone knowing your private information. I think your Dh is disloyal telling his mum everything or telling his mate stuff he knows will be looked down upon.

thank you @Ofcourseshecan

I totally get this! I feel terrible when I ask my husband not to say anything about my health issues because I don’t want to dictate to him, but some things are sensitive and I need to be mentally ready and comfortable about who it’s shared with. I can imagine that’s the same with your fertility situation.

Gossips, drama queens, pity partiers and known insensitive people - I’m sorry but No. You may not tell them because their reactions cause additional hurt and sometimes you need to minimise the chatter and the bullshit that comes with it and protect yourself and if that’s being controlling….well we all need to find control somehow and in your situation I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

I laid down the law on what DH could say to his family about our fertility problems & treatment because they were my problems and the basic points we made at the start were passed on to others without our knowledge. I would have gone ballistic if he’d ignored that. He had decent friends he could talk to but I did not want family knowing everything because I couldn’t stand the pity or the sense of disappointment about us not having DC at that stage.

Anonymously- big difference

Of course YANBU. I am an oversharer by nature so sometimes my DH will ask me not to. That’s absolutely fine by me.

This. It is controlling and I wouldn’t put up with it.

My DH has a habit of telling everyone, everything! It was a long time ago but once I realised what he was like I felt betrayed, I personally am a very private person, so it was quite chalk and cheese.

I find that when a DH speaks to others who do not have your best interests at heart, of you in a way that they would deem as a negative or shares sensitive information it can often give them a sense that they can also speak to and of you quite freely and negatively.

My DH learnt this the hard way, he told one of his siblings something that they used to be venomous towards me, he has been unable to forgive them as he believed it would go no further (it was a long time ago). Since then they’ve just been civilised at funerals, weddings etc (they weren’t invited to ours) which is a shame but DH could not forgive the betrayal, at that point he knew that we’d be married and so could not forgive the betrayal of me either. It must have been tough for him (although he says it wasn’t) but he chose to make a stand that it wasn’t ok for anyone to treat me in such a way although he understands his part in sharing the information.

I understand why someone would want to speak freely to friends and family but if their information sharing was going to be used to hurt me by the other people then I would expect my DH to ‘protect me’ after all, it would have been his fault that we were in that situation!

Since then DH hasn’t stopped telling people everything but he has been smarter, I’d say, to protect both me and himself from upset! He will often tell his work colleagues (that I only have to see once a year) or our mutual couple friends rather than telling his family after that incident many years ago.

I think it’s fair that your DH should be able to speak freely to whoever he chooses however, he should also not give the power for people who don’t like you to be unkind and although he can have a relationship with whoever he wants, there’s no obligation for you to have to endure one with people who are unkind to you. If he is upset by that then it’s unfortunately likely he’s own doing for over sharing 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry to say that this can, at times, put needles into difficult situations one way or another - many no-win scenarios.

One example is that my parents have been hacked off about the contact/ news that my ILs seem to have with us because ILs live much nearer. What tends to happen is that MIL 'pops in', or paths cross at the dentist unexpectedly, or that kind of thing, and then MIL is then all friendly by text to my parents saying 'Oh, I saw Ormally and Mr O the other day', when DM feels as if I have kept that a secret from them deliberately.

I can't control MIL's 'popping in' habit - it's not great for us either - or what she says to DH that he doesn't mention to me, which distant relative is having a baby, or what she texts to my DM without any thought she might be putting her foot in it.

Because of the reaction, and because I don't really want to tell every detail of my own leisure to DM, I can choose to say very little about plans that may or may not come together until quite late in the proceedings (going out and planning for MIL to babysit for a bit). I don't see it as a big deal. That too, though, looks like covering up. I can see that. It is so wearing, though, because everything is seen through one kind of hostile lens and the suspicious mind reads the same things into it.

The effect is that all I feel I am doing is trying to protect myself all the time, for things that are either not in my control, or that I've just screwed up because of not being a good little link in a gossip/ communication chain that matters so much more to other people.