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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H shouts at me

128 replies

sopsop · 25/02/2023 12:58

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or not.
But anytime there is a disagreement or argument H starts shouting at me. I can pretty much have an argument in a normal speaking voice.
He shouts and swears and I can't stand it.

I'm not perfect and I can shout when pushed or when things escalate but it's not my default way.

Do I just have to accept we have different communication styles? Would you split up over it? What are my other options?

Obviously I've spoken to him about it. He apologises but it never changes.

OP posts:
Original poster
sopsop · 26/02/2023 07:43

@Dazzl what was the shouting like?

I'm not cowering in the corner with him shouting over at me. This is shouting where he's lost his rag in an argument.

OP posts:
cantdothisforever · 26/02/2023 07:44

Op
its funny as I’ve just posted a very very long post about how to get away from my h who sounds exactly like yours , also on doles out his vitriol on me and his mother. Wonderful man to everyone else and was a literal doting dad (except when he didn’t give a crap if they heard/saw him call me all the names u see the sun and scream and rage-I realise now that is abusive to the children too)

except now my eldest is a teen and sees his shit he is now beginning to turn on her too.

get out now please. It took me ages to realise it wasn’t me that “wound him up” “didn’t listen” “didn’t have his back” and I am stupid but only for staying with him.

start planning how to get out now before he also turns on your kids so you’ve got a safe space for them when he does. And he will.

tell someone in your life in a calm and factual way what your life is like. It will help you see just how wrong that man is and that you are not the problem.

good luck xx

gettingalifttothestation · 26/02/2023 07:59

Dump him

Paq · 26/02/2023 08:00

My DH is a shouter, and his sister is as well. They were brought up in a shout-y household and it's obviously ingrained in them both. It's sad.

The difference is that I can say "stop shouting" and he does. And he doesn't get worked up over a missing lid.

Dazzl · 26/02/2023 08:12

@sopsop quite often not standing over me but on occasion that yes. But the shouting eats away at you over time. It really makes you question yourself but truly most people do not have this in their lives. You really, really shouldn't have to walk on eggshells.

Dazzl · 26/02/2023 08:16

@sopsop I am also not the quiet one in a shell but over time I changed inside. It wore me down.

IrritableVowel · 26/02/2023 08:16

sopsop · 26/02/2023 07:41

Well actually I suppose it's not his exact opener. There will be some normal back and for dialogue first. Then if he hasn't got the response he wants then he'll shout.

So for example, 2 days ago I'd been using something and had lost the lid. I don't know how as I was only in one place using it. He asked me in the night to look for it. I said it was too late and I was busy tidying and it was pitch black outside. The next day he brought it up again as I'm literally trying to get out of the house with two kids.
You know the scene: two kids running around, me trying to get hat, coats and shoes on them and getting the pram for the car.

I say I'm not going to look now. I'm pissed off that he's brought it up again at this point. I've obviously got my hands full. I'm sarcastic at this point. He starts shouting.

I'm in no way innocent in this.

Show quote history

I realise this makes me sound like I am now excusing his shouting and behaviour - I really still think his attitude towards you and his manner is wrong... but..

If you are having a conversation were you are being sarky towards him (are you "smarter" with your words than he is?) and he ends up shouting in frustration, that is different IMO than him starting off from shouting for no apparent reason.

His timing is off, focusing on stuff when the house is bedding down for the night or trying to get out the door. Those times are stressful, and it's not the time to "remind" you that you need to find xyz.

One thing that just occurred to me - again doesn't excuse shouting, but it would frustrate me - losing a lid sounds like a small thing in isolation, but do you often misplace things, are you careless with things?

Nanny0gg · 26/02/2023 08:18

Remmy123 · 26/02/2023 06:57

@Nanny0gg no I didn't.

What is then? If you don't want a divorce?

Individual counsellung. You need to be heard by the counsellor. It would be too easy for him to dominate or manipulate the sessions. Go on your own first

Original poster
sopsop · 26/02/2023 08:32

@IrritableVowel I don't think I'm often sarcastic but I feel I've been driven to be a different person than I used to be.
I'm worn down. I'm prepared to work at the marriage and myself to make things better.

I sent him a long message last night to outline how I feel. I know it sounds ridiculous to message him when he's just upstairs but I wanted to make sure I got my point across without a row. I wanted to make sure my words were fair and balanced. I outlined how we both need to change and I included what I thought I needed to do.

He read it and didn't reply and when I woke up this morning he'd got up in the night and slept on the sofa and isn't speaking to me today.

OP posts:
Remmy123 · 26/02/2023 08:47

@Nanny0gg thanks so much x

Nanny0gg · 26/02/2023 08:55

Remmy123 · 26/02/2023 08:47

@Nanny0gg thanks so much x

I'm no expert. If you want more and better support with lots of good advice do start your own thread. I wish you luck Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2023 09:19

sopsop

re your comment:
"I'm worn down. I'm prepared to work at the marriage and myself to make things better".

Why is this your responsibility?. You are wasting your time doing this because its not your circus nor your monkeys to begin with. This is what HE should be doing but he is not writing notes that are subsequently ignored. How did you feel when your carefully considered writings were ignored?. He finds it easier to blame you for his inherent ills; in the abuser's mind its always someone else's fault and never their own.

And now he is giving you the silent treatment aka emotional abuse again. And so the cycle of abuse continues till he becomes "nice" to you again until he is not.

The effects of all this on your kids, not just to say your own self, are incalculable.

He wants you worn down and with spaghetti head; that has been his intention all along. He targeted you deliberately to further abuse like your ex did.

I was not all that surprised to read you grew up within a very similar household; the effects of that on you are very much apparent to this very day.

Its over because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your DC. Its never easy to leave but staying is a damn sight harder as you are seeing. Do you really want your own children here to follow a similar set of dysfunctional and or otherwise abusive relationships as adults?. You and he are providing the blueprints here for how their own adult relationships will form and otherwise pan out.

IrritableVowel · 26/02/2023 09:20

sopsop · 26/02/2023 08:32

@IrritableVowel I don't think I'm often sarcastic but I feel I've been driven to be a different person than I used to be.
I'm worn down. I'm prepared to work at the marriage and myself to make things better.

I sent him a long message last night to outline how I feel. I know it sounds ridiculous to message him when he's just upstairs but I wanted to make sure I got my point across without a row. I wanted to make sure my words were fair and balanced. I outlined how we both need to change and I included what I thought I needed to do.

He read it and didn't reply and when I woke up this morning he'd got up in the night and slept on the sofa and isn't speaking to me today.

Yeah, I still think his behaviour is shitty. Ignoring you is as bad as shouting. Both of those approaches will leave you second- guessing what you did/said wrong. The fact you have to write him a message, instead of being able to have a chat, isn't great.

In my previous post, I was just offering an alternative reason for his shouting, but it still isn't a mature way to behave and if he won't allow you to talk about it or be open to seeing why it is upsetting/unreasonable, I don't think there is much you can do.

You are losing yourself in this set up. Checking yourself before you open your mouth. Second guessing what you are doing right or wrong, trying to avoid a shouting session.

You need to really think about whether it is worth not being "You"

Mojoyoyo · 26/02/2023 09:20

@sopsop
“How can he get control of his emotions?”

He can, but chooses not to with the 2 women in his life… you and his mum.

It’s cowardly but knows that by shouting at you he can intimidate you and get what he wants.

He won’t change so don’t waste any more time on him.
Just get him out of your life.

redbigbananafeet · 26/02/2023 09:27

sopsop · 25/02/2023 13:17

How can he get control of his emotions?

Does he shout at his boss, colleagues, friends and family? Or is it just you?

redbigbananafeet · 26/02/2023 09:31

What do you actually argue about that results in him shouting? Partners can disagree about something but 'arguing' and certainly shouting if are absolutely not the norm.

Mojoyoyo · 26/02/2023 09:35

@sopsop
"I know I keep repeating this but surely everyone rows?”

Everyone has disagreements but shouting is abusive.
DP and I together 5 years.
We can talk about our disagreements and not once has there been any shouting.It’s just not necessary.

You’re DP is shouting to get his way in front of the kids so they will be shouters too if you don’t get them out of that environment or get him to agree to anger management help.

Are the dc his as well?

Please read about the Cycle of Abuse.

C1N1C · 26/02/2023 09:36

Shouting is like swearing and hurling hurling abuse for me...

The second you raise your voice during an argument, or the second you resort to "f-off"s or divert the argument to other topics that you've been saving up, or low-blow criticisms etc, you're gone.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 26/02/2023 09:46

@sopsop The fact that he’s now ignoring you instead of apologising and making changes indicates that he is emotionally abusive. A normal, decent, kind man would be devastated to know he’d upset you by being so horrible. Your H always blames you for his anger because he doesn’t respect or value you. I know you don’t want to leave him but you really need to start thinking about ending the relationship.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 26/02/2023 09:52

I forgot to say - I’ve been married for 14 years and my DH has never shouted or sworn at me. We’ve had a few disagreements but we always talk normally to resolve them. I’d have left the very first time anyone raised their voice or insulted me.

Nanny0gg · 26/02/2023 10:48

sopsop · 26/02/2023 08:32

@IrritableVowel I don't think I'm often sarcastic but I feel I've been driven to be a different person than I used to be.
I'm worn down. I'm prepared to work at the marriage and myself to make things better.

I sent him a long message last night to outline how I feel. I know it sounds ridiculous to message him when he's just upstairs but I wanted to make sure I got my point across without a row. I wanted to make sure my words were fair and balanced. I outlined how we both need to change and I included what I thought I needed to do.

He read it and didn't reply and when I woke up this morning he'd got up in the night and slept on the sofa and isn't speaking to me today.

That tells you all you need to know.

CKL987 · 26/02/2023 17:49

My DP used to be like this. He came from an abusive background and it was normal to him. A lot of therapy and work on himself has changed that and he would now say that kind of behaviour is controlling and abusive. It would probably take a long time and external help for you DH to recognise this though.

Ghostbuster2639 · 26/02/2023 18:45

Bet he’d shut up pretty quickly if a large male neighbour came round to confront him.

Flowersintheattic57 · 26/02/2023 19:33

Yes it’s normal to have disagreements but it’s also normal to have the skills to talk them through.
if you said to your husband ‘you need to learn a better way of communicating, otherwise this marriage is over.’ How would he respond to that? If he would be willing to do some work, then later you could do some work together so your combined communication styles were healthier.
If he’s not willing to do any work then you know that the relationship is not sustainable and you need to get yourself and the kids out of there.

Ofcourseshecan · 26/02/2023 20:48

He shouts and swears at you, and also gives you the silent treatment. OP, I can only agree with what everyone else is saying. This is not normal. This is abuse. Even if he can finally goad you into shouting back, you are being abused.

This is a terrible life for your children as well as for you. Please leave him for their sake.

I’ve been married over 20 years. DH and I rarely get a bit tired and irritable, but we always apologise and forgive each other. To the best of my knowledge our friends are pretty much the same. DH and I have never had a shouting argument.