H shouts at me

[sopsop]

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or not.
But anytime there is a disagreement or argument H starts shouting at me. I can pretty much have an argument in a normal speaking voice.
He shouts and swears and I can't stand it.

I'm not perfect and I can shout when pushed or when things escalate but it's not my default way.

Do I just have to accept we have different communication styles? Would you split up over it? What are my other options?

Obviously I've spoken to him about it. He apologises but it never changes.

If he can have a disagreement / row with other people in a civilised manner then he CAN control it. You say he only shouts at you or his mum, suggests this is the case. He doesn't need to learn to control his emotions and it's not 'the only way he knows'. He needs to learn to respect you and his mother.

We row of course, but we don't shout at each other and we certainly don't do it in front of DD. I refuse to perpetuate the cycle of screaming and passive aggressive toxicity my parents brought me up in.

If he is refusing to acknowledge how his behaviour effects you, then you can't do much else. He needs to take responsibility and if he cant do that you need to decide husband and his shouting or the kids and an healthy environment. I wish my mother had chosen the latter.

You could happily be a fly on our walls we fall out twice a year perhaps. Once a week? No where near that, not even once a month.

Shouting is abuse. A healthy relationship has disagreements but shouting and belitting is abuse however you look at it.

You are giving DH the message that its fine to shout at you. Otherwise you would have drawn a boundary by now.

I feel so sad for your kids growing up in this.

We argue but don’t shout. Shouting crosses a line.
Afraid you don’t have a shark cage (know how to protect yourself) and keep getting caught.
Maybe your kids “love” him because they know what happens if they say they don’t…

You do have to compromise OP. What are his compromises?

You alone can't fix everything. He has to want to as well and I very much doubt he'd be willing to do anything on his part.

Rowing is healthy, but shouting and swearing at someone to get your point across is horrible, bullying behaviour. My ex husband was a shouter. I hated it and found myself not arguing back in the end because his shouting scared the kids. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did.

My ex did this, still does but I don't live with him so don't see it often now. I think it's to shut you down, or as a deterrent. He would also do it in public which was beyond awful and embarrassing.

Yes, also a lack of control over emotions.

I don't know if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is.

I don't know if I'm causing it or at least doing my fair share to contribute to it.

I need to think clearly. I'm going to have a talk to him and reassess after 6 months. See if we can make changes between us.

I don't believe for a second that perfect relationships exist.

But you are at the other end of the spectrum where abuse, bullying, violence, financial abuse ,sexual assault are part of family life.

I'm married 30 years with 4 children and roaring at each other, using vile language has played no part in our lives.

Do we get on each others tits at times?
Of course we do, but we give each other a bit of space, we don't roar abuse at each other.

That is not normal and its awful to grow up amongst.

I feel ashamed for the kids living like this.

This is ALL on him. You have not caused him to act like this towards you. I am not at all surprised he shouts at his mother, he is your typical common or garden abuser. Such men also hate women, ALL of them starting with their mother.

He targeted you and deliberately so to abuse you further and your boundaries have already been badly skewed by previous abuse. They will continue to be further eroded by this man.

Do not kick the can down the road by thinking you can talk to him and even think you can fix this because you cannot. You will be in the exact same position, if not worse, in six months time.

Your parents between them taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons about relationships, lessons you repeat to this very day. Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works out either.

It's not your fault and I don't think you're making a big deal out of this. My ex would blame me; I'd wound him up, I was such a horrible person etc etc

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You were but a child at the time witness to your dads private based war against your mother and today your children are witness to similar levels of abuse from a man towards a woman.

You should indeed feel ashamed that your kids (not just to say you) are living like this but can you further channel that into seeking help from Women’s Aid and obtaining legal advice re divorce?. Divorce is not failure sopsop, living in such overt unhappiness is.

@sopsop If I made you a cup of tea but it was made with 5% shit, would you drink it?

It doesn’t matter how good the rest of your relationship is. He is mean to you on a regular basis. Your H should never be shouting and swearing at you.

The thing is he knows it upsets you but he isn’t willing to change (he could get anger management, go for therapy etc). He chooses to continue this behaviour so unfortunately, your only options are to put up with it or leave.

I think we are in a toxic relationship now. I'm definitely not faultless.

You need someone who adores you. Relationships shouldn't be hard. If it's continually difficult it's time to move on. You deserve a nicer life with someone who is mad about you cos you are gorgeous, loving, fun and make each other laugh a lot x

I'd love that.

But honestly I was single for ten years or more. It can be very lonely.
I don't think it's as easy as leaving this and meeting the man of my dreams having fun and laughing and rainbows. If I left this I'd stay single for forever. I couldn't face OLD and I just don't know how people meet others.

So he only shouts at the women in his life? Never the men? Sure. Classic.

Is he the kids’ father?

He’s a shitty, inadequate bully. Nothing else.

Exactly this. We’ve had arguments, of course, but I wouldn’t class them as rows. I would say we have actually shouted at each other twice each in 8 years. This is because we respect each other and the respect doesn’t fall away because we’re mad at each other.

As for your children being devastated, look at the relationships that you have had in the past and your marriage. Is this really what you want for your children when they’re older?

I am in a similar situation at the moment where many times I have pointed out that it isn't ok to be bad tempered and shout. In one instance I was told 'I'm not swearing at you I'm swearing at the situation.' Over time this has affected my wellbeing, I have been over keen to do things their way to my cost, and I now regret not having stronger boundaries earlier on. But life is complicated, hindsight is a great thing, and we should not be too harsh on ourselves.

Where a man's 'shouty' behaviour becomes unpleasant there will be accusations of being oversensitive/menopausal/not thinking straight etc - but there is only ever one person raising their voice and being over-emotional - and there is only one person feeling hurt and uncomfortable. It is easy to feel you are oversensitive or in some way to blame and the other person won't discourage this.

Bad behaviour has a serious negative impact on a relationship and on the wellbeing of a partner. Being 'shouty' can feel like it's a minor thing but it isn't:
There is a drip drip effect over time where you are walking on eggshells and forever placating.
The person on the receiving end feels intimidated and often shut down.
The shouty person may say they don't like confrontation, when they really mean that they don't like you disagreeing with them.
You do what they want in order to avoid trouble.
You are not sure if the decisions you are making are actually the real ones you want to make, or you are just used to making decisions which work for them.

They may be wonderful in other ways which can add to the confusion. You can end up becoming more dependent on them as your wellbeing has been eroded but they take care of you.

Leaving a long term partner who is not treating you well, is not the easy proposition some people suggest. If a person has an unpleasant streak to them, this will multiply when you leave and they will still have shared care of the children. It isn't something you can really get away from if they are a co-parent.

We can feel in our gut whether someone is just poor at communicating but still loving, or whether they are choosing to be unpleasant, and not listening when you tell them you don't like it and they are making you feel unhappy.

This is going to be hard to hear but you can't stay just because you don't want to be single. That isn't fair on your children and it isn't a healthy view either. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. As I say, it might be hard to hear, but you need to work on you and becoming happy with who you are not assuming if you leave this relationship you need to find another. Hard as it is to hear, that's not the answer.

Sorry for repeating myself so much there

@Daffodils320 you are absolutely right and that's what I meant really. If I leave this there won't be anyone else as I'll be so ecstatically happy to be single I'd never want another relationship.

A op asked if he's the kids dad and yea he is. I can't imagine the idea of coparenting. I can't imagine the kids living in two homes. I can't imagine affording two homes.

It is abuse OP. Simple as that. Better to be single than ina relationship like this. There is a reason why single women are generally happier than married women-too many women stay with men who do not bring them joy.