H shouts at me

[sopsop]

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or not.
But anytime there is a disagreement or argument H starts shouting at me. I can pretty much have an argument in a normal speaking voice.
He shouts and swears and I can't stand it.

I'm not perfect and I can shout when pushed or when things escalate but it's not my default way.

Do I just have to accept we have different communication styles? Would you split up over it? What are my other options?

Obviously I've spoken to him about it. He apologises but it never changes.

See I'm straight in here saying it's not too late at all and you should leave asap.

I can't leave as my kids would be absolutely devastated.

It really is too late for me to do much about it but don't leave it too long for you. It's just not acceptable it really isn't.

It isn't too late. It's never too late to escape an abusive relationship even if it's your last day on earth, it's still not too late.

DH and I don’t row. We don’t shout. It doesn’t mean our relationship is perfect or we are perfect but we don’t treat each other like shit either.

Women shout because they’re not being heard, men shout because they’re not being obeyed. Think about that and ask yourself why he thinks you should obey him.

My partner and I never shout or row. We have had one argument in 15 years. You don't have to live like this OP.

Surely you are in the minority?

I know I keep repeating this but surely everyone rows?

My Lovely DH Libra screams at the end of the video :)

This is not mere rowing, what your h is doing her is abusing you and in turn them. It is familiar to you because you saw this in your own childhood. It’s no accident you are with someone abusive like your husband because you’ve never seen a mutually healthy and respectful relationship and you have no idea what one of those is. No-one’s ever bothered to show you either. Your parents taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons about relationships and those have remained with you. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this man now.

Your children do not adore him as much as fear him and it’s no reason or basis to remain with him.

I presume you adored your parents when you were growing up as well. They’re learning the same shit lessons on relationships as you did.

Children love their parents anyway, no matter how crap they actually are and their father is not a good father to them. You also need to consider that what you are seeing as they adoring him is more likely to be a liking based on fear and obligation. They are likely to be both quiet and compliant around their dad because they know he could easily turn on them at any time.

Better too to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one as you are doing now. You have a choice re this man, they do not. Make better choices than the ones you’ve made to date for you and your kids. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Do contact Women’s Aid, they can and will help you here.

Very unexpectedly for me.

In 17 years of our hopefully happy marriage, I have learnt to control his rage and not to aggravate him unnecessarily:)

No - not all do, OP. Married not far off 30 years. Never ever shouted at each other. We have had firm words and and walking away in a mood - but never shouting.

Your DC should understand that you can’t live like this - how would they feel if they were regularly being shouted at? I would have asked mine how they would feel if they got shouted at at school every day - would they want to go? Would they feel ok? Or would they be miserable? Well that’s how I feel because your dad is shouting at me all the time and I can’t live like that.

We don’t row often, once every 6 months maybe, maybe less. It usually lasts 5 minutes and is forgotten within half an hour. That’s not to say we don’t disagree but we talk about it and sort it out, not row or shout, but discuss.

im not saying our relationship is perfect (I am of course! 😬) because no relationship is. But to me it feels happy and balanced and stress free.

Sorry op but a full on shouty argument every week would leave me considering the future.

And as for your comment I can’t leave as my children will be absolutely devastated that is an excuse and a piss poor one on your part re them. You cannot speak for them and they will not say thanks mum to you for staying with such a man. You cannot keep on showing your kids that you are putting this man above and before them.

Me and DP fall out maybe twice a year, it's usually over a miscommunication or someone doing something a bit thoughtless.

We argue, but there's no silent treatment, no shouting, and no swearing.

Abuse is NOT a relationship problem nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of. It’s about power and control and this man wants absolute here over you and in turn your children. They could in turn become abusers or abused within their own adult relationships.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Everyone does row. Have you asked him why he feels the need to shout - it's usually because they feel powerless. And it's usually over issues that they should have been discussed before it came to a head. My dad is the same. I feel sorry for him and my mum. My mum is quite bossy and my dad can only take being bossed for so long before he starts shouting when they argue - when they talk about it after he will sometimes admit that it was this one tiny thing which he allowed to escalate in his head.
My DH doesn't shout at me. He might argue in a text message lol but he doesn't shout. It makes it a lot easier to discuss things when you know you're not about to be launched at verbally.
I think the best way forward for you is to communicate that you cannot deal with this verbal abuse anymore. You need to be able to feel safe when you discuss things x Perhaps make it clear that You do not want to leave him - that you love him - but this has to stop.
Good luck xx

The good bits in your relationship with this man are the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. I would also think that these supposed good bits in your relationship are fewer and further be between.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

I'm just not ready. I can't believe I'm not part of the problem. I don't think we've tried hard enough.

We have been under a lot of strain with young kids and moving house and losing a baby and I wonder if we get through this phase of no sleep that things will improve.

I want to buy a book that will fix everything.

You say you can't leave because your children will be devastated but surely they hear him shouting at you? That must be difficult for them too.

@sopsop
I can't believe so many people on mn are telling you to leave him.
Follow your heart and work on your own issues. Ask him to do the same. There are some great books on communication techniques. Read up and put them into practice xx
I've heard way more women shout at their partners than vice versa - you don't hear many men being told to leave. If you feel like it really is abuse - then that's a different story. He needs to do better that's all. Tell him he has a great opportunity to learn how to do it better so that his kids don't end up copying his behavior and communicating with their future partner by shouting at them xx

Life is too short to be shouted at by anyone. If you want to try and fix things then he/you need to understand why he shouts…is it because that’s what he’s grown up with, is he frustrated, is he trying to control/intimidate you or is he just a nasty person? If you can’t have a conversation about that together then maybe give counseling or mediation a go but a line needs to be drawn - shouting is not acceptable and will not be tolerated by you or in your home.

Disagreements/rows are completely normal but so is the self control to talk about it or to walk away until you’re able to discuss without shouting.

Him shouting at you isn’t a communication style, it’s aggression. He’s being aggressive to you.
He only does it to you, and his excuse about how his parents shouted and he doesn’t know any other way to disagree doesn’t wash. He can control himself when he disagrees with other people, he could control himself with you if he chose to. My parents shouted at each other (mainly dad shouting at mum) and the home atmosphere was horrible, but I have chosen not to behave that way.
You keep saying surely all couples have rows, but you are missing the point people are making. Some couples are volatile, have lots of shouty arguments and throw pots and pans at each other, then make up and it’s all fine until next time. Others never shout. It’s perfectly possible to have arguments without one person yelling at the other and I think that’s what most people do when they disagree.
In your case it’s entirely one sided. It’s him shouting at you when you are speaking to him normally.
He could get anger management counselling if he wanted to. At the moment he doesn’t need to, because he gets to vent his aggression at you and you allow it.
You don’t have to leave him, but you’re clearly not happy about being his verbal punchbag and you could tell him it needs to stop, whatever action that needs from him. For me it would be a dealbreaker if he refused to get help.
You say your kids would be devastated if you split up. Bear in mind that hearing their father shout at you is extremely bad for them and they will pick up on the tension. Loads of people on MN say that this doesn’t affect the kids, and loads of us who went through this as kids say yes it does, you just can’t see it. I couldn’t wait to leave home, it was like being set free from that awful atmosphere and having to endure dad’s out of control shouting. I wished my mother had left him when I was younger so I could have grown up in a calm home where I wasn’t constantly waiting for the next shouting match.

He can control his emotions. He only shouts at you and his mum, not at anyone else. He chooses to shout at you and your MIL because he can use it to control and intimidate you both that way. That is abusive.

Stop trying to think of ways to change either his behaviour or yourself, and start thinking of ways to leave. Nobody deserves to be perpetually shouted at, and you do not have to put up with it.

Op, YOU can't fix him. HE has to want to fix himself.

What kind of examples are you setting your poor dc? They will see your h treating you like this and think this is normal and acceptable.

And your h only shouts at you and his mother?? Not another man? Lovely.

stepkid - what would you recommend sopsop does then?. He is patently not interested in working on his myriad of issues and blames sopsop for his abuse of her. In an abuser’s mind it’s always someone else’s fault and never their own.

Sopsop

There is no book here that will fix everything because this cannot be fixed. As I mentioned before abuse is NOT a relationship problem.

There is no future for you or your children in this relationship. Abuse remains familiar to you and your whole childhood was mired in abuse too.