H shouts at me

[sopsop]

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or not.
But anytime there is a disagreement or argument H starts shouting at me. I can pretty much have an argument in a normal speaking voice.
He shouts and swears and I can't stand it.

I'm not perfect and I can shout when pushed or when things escalate but it's not my default way.

Do I just have to accept we have different communication styles? Would you split up over it? What are my other options?

Obviously I've spoken to him about it. He apologises but it never changes.

Sorry I misunderstood your message.

Good luck to you. I hope you find a way to live a happier life either with or without him. You deserve it and so do your kids.

Get him a copy of “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. I did for my then shouty bf. He read it, was appalled and took himself off to therapy. He never shouted at me again and is now my DH. People can change, if they want to,(although MN would not have you believe that) Having said that, if he had continued to shout at me, he’d be gone….

I am in similar situation but my husband says it's because I've frustrated him. Also calls me stupid / shut up - today I got told I was simple.

Why do you put up with this?
Ask him, if you’re simple what does that say about him for marrying a fool?

@Remmy123 why do you put up with that?

We are going to have marriage counselling because of his unreasonable behaviour.

I really hope it wiinhelo highlight or make him realise how his actions are wrong.

No they don't!

They disagree (respectfully and compromise) and they might bicker or even argue.

But shouty rows are a different level.

But you don't want to hear that at the moment because you can't (understandably) face the upheaval that leaving means

You know that joint marriage counselling with someone who abuses you (in whatever form) is not recommended, don't you?

@sopsop My husband and I disagreed yesterday (about something ridiculously small), no shouting at all. Immediately afterwards, I apologised and said how I thought he was probably right, so I'd give it a go his way. Last week we disagreed too, after some discussion (again, not shouting or name calling), he agreed that my way was probable better.

Even on one of our great big disagreements (about division of labour, for example), we might have 2 or 3 big discussions (no shouting/name callings), one of us (me!) Might get upset out of sheer frustration, then we'd work towards how to make things better for both of us. This probably only happens once/twice a year. 9 years together and a toddler AND sleep deprivation too!

I've been with my husband for 10 years next year. We don't argue, we don't shout.

If we disagree, we talk about what we are disagreement about and then understand one another.

We don't shout and swear at one another because we love and respect one another.

I haven’t read all replies so forgive me if I repeat what others have said. I have read all yours op.
Not every couple rows every week. That must be exhausting and draining and not healthy for the kids to be witnessing.

if you want to work at this marriage, would you try walking away when he raises his voice and telling you’ll talk when he’s calmer? Would this help or escalate things?

Would ye consider marriage councelling to help ye deal with this and find a another way of communicating and dealing with things?

Something has to change as this is unhealthy.

I said that once to my 'D'P who also shouts. It had no impact.

A few months ago, I happened to mention the shouting to my GP. She told me it was domestic abuse and put me in touch with Women's Aid. I didn't 100% believe her but went along with contacting Women's Aid. I now agree with my GP. Women's Aid are very helpful.

Your kids are doomed to repeat this toxic dynamic within their own relationships when they are adults. Your abusive relationship is their normal.

On the rare times we argue hubby has neither shouted or sworn at me and if he did it would probably scare me. We have our tiff normal voices, I might slam my coffee cup down but apart from that it's over in 10 minutes cause he knows to full my cup and we start again haha

I tell him, I don't like you keep shouting and if you don't do something about it I'm going to divorce you, I've had enough.
Hopefully he just needs a wake up call x

You shouldn't be shouted or sworn at op. Does he shout at the kids or in their presence? Your dh has to want to change but with a stress management course or counselling he absolutely can.. if you condone this your teaching your children what's acceptable and that it's ok to be treated that way?

My dh and I have been together 15 years and we have three kids and two dogs. Our life is very stressful and/or dull at times for many reasons. We don't argue much like maybe every few weeks we might have a small row but we don't swear or shout. We have only had a handful of large rows over the years but even then if our voices raise (usually to talk over each other) one or other says something and we lower them. And I'm not saying we are perfect he's rubbish at the mental load and I apparently micromanage. He can definitely do my head in but having been in a abusive relationship I wouldn't accept it.

Maybe ask your kids if they hear him shout and what do they think? Also when your not arguing talk to him and tell him it's not acceptable and he needs to learn a way to communicate better. How he reacts will speak volumes if he's not willing to try to change then he's saying you deserve to be treated that way.

Do you have daughters? If so, does he already shout at them? Do they see or hear him shouting at you? Do you think it is appropriate for you to model this type of abuse as a part of a relationship/family/home life?

You and your children deserve far better than a man who CHOOSES to scream and shout at the 2 women he is closest to (and no one else)….

His behaviour is damaging your children - they will be scared of him - get a grip and get out. He chooses to do this - he chooses to shut you down - protect your children.

After reading this I think we are both abusive as we both end up shouting.

It normally goes like this:

-He shouts at me about something.

• I respond in normal voice.
• He shouts more
• I say do you realise you are shouting at me.
• he says he's shouting because of xy or z.
• I talk normally. I say do you think xy or a is worth shouting at me over in front of the kids?
• he says yes.
• either I walk away to end the situation or both of us end up shouting and swearing....which is what happened yesterday.

I feel so ashamed. I should've just walked away before I started shouting but I was so angry that even when I say to him do you realise you are shouting over something insignificant (and I mean something tiny like a lost lid off something) yet he continues shouting full well knowing that we are all here seeing it. I just can't get over that.

Pithy sexist garbage.

what’s next - happy wife, happy life?

@Nanny0gg no I didn't.

What is then? If you don't want a divorce?

People are telling her to leave because she can’t fix him. Women end up wasting years, decades, their entire lives staying with men they are trying to ‘fix’. The frustration and pain of it is immense.

By OP’s own account, she has repeatedly told him his behaviour is not acceptable and he has done nothing to change. He is not motivated to change for her sake.

If HE was on a website saying ‘ I am destroying my marriage by shouting, how can I change?’ there would be immense hope. But he’s not. So there isn’t.

Hi OP
In your last post, the interaction begins with him shouting at you about something.

Is that his opener? Like you are sitting there, unaware of whatever it is and he will go from zero to shouting that you have done xyz wrong?

That is no way to treat anyone, especially the person who you apparently love most in the world.

DH and I disagree about stuff. Sometimes stupid stuff because we are tired or stressed. Sometimes bigger things. We don't shout at each other. I think I have raised my voice about a handful of times in almost 20 years. All times I have been in the wrong and apologised. He has never shouted at me. He would never randomly yell at me.

I am not saying this to try to make you feel worse, but as another "not all adults yell" post.

I am also not saying LTB, but if he can't or refuses to acknowledge his approach is horrible and aggressive, I would be thinking hard about my options

I ended a marriage last year with very similar behaviours. I became emotionally disengaged for years beforehand and as the kids got older he started behaving in a similar way towards them.
I always felt that he would eventually see reason and understand the impact his behaviour was having on me and the kids. He never did and I have come to accept he never will. He is devastated about the split but still can't show true remorse or have true insight.
Be wary of getting caught in this. Does he truly understand that you have the right not to live like this, is he truly remorseful, enough to believe deep down that he has to change and commit to it.
My H also treated his Mum similarly at times. A big red flat IMO. I have come to think his Dad probably behaves the same and it has been normalised.
It is hard, my heart goes out to you. Please read and listen to what others are saying, it is not normal or acceptable. I also used to be goaded into shouting back. I am re-discovering who I am and I am quite laid back and enjoy peace. I keep pinching myself at the lack of anger in my life now. It wasn't me!

Well actually I suppose it's not his exact opener. There will be some normal back and for dialogue first. Then if he hasn't got the response he wants then he'll shout.

So for example, 2 days ago I'd been using something and had lost the lid. I don't know how as I was only in one place using it. He asked me in the night to look for it. I said it was too late and I was busy tidying and it was pitch black outside. The next day he brought it up again as I'm literally trying to get out of the house with two kids.
You know the scene: two kids running around, me trying to get hat, coats and shoes on them and getting the pram for the car.

I say I'm not going to look now. I'm pissed off that he's brought it up again at this point. I've obviously got my hands full. I'm sarcastic at this point. He starts shouting.

I'm in no way innocent in this.