Here I am awake early hours thinking about the events of the past few days not sure how to feels, it helps to write it down. Sorry its long.
Been with DH a long time, 2 teenage children, one with SEN and a new health diagnosis last year that has changed his life and independence and impacted family life.
I recently found a receipt on DH desk for lunch for 2, including 2 glasses of wine near his workplace, something didn't feel right about it, when asked was told it was a male colleagues and he was claiming expenses for it.
This week I'd been using DH ipad for zoom and his ipad beeped late at night with some zoom messages and I looked at them. Until this point I'd not realised there was a messaging service on this so was more intrigued what it was. I saw a message about a social event he was due to attend at the weekend, which he'd told me was a work event but clearly was arranged by his own colleagues in which they would all have to pay. Next day I casually asked about his night out without divulging that I'd read the messages, he swore blind it was paid for by work arranged by a client, he does have to go out with clients a lot, but would never have to pay for this himself. I told him I knew that it wasn't and after probing he confessed that he had lied. I felt so upset, more so because if he lied so convincing about this what else does he lie about. He is away on business at least one night per week. And I've very recently had an operation and my dad has had a stoke. He knew I wouldn't be happy about him going out socially under the circumstances. Too right.
Later that week I'd used his ipad again and just decided to snoop, as something didn't feel right. I found a conversation on zoom between him and a work colleague who I didnt know existed. Lots of banter, slightly flirty, nothing about feelings for each other, but someone that he is sharing lots of personal stuff about our marriage. Someone who he is meeting for lunch. Oh and to throw it in is attractive. I felt sick reading this, he usually tells me about his colleagues, but more so that he struggles to talk to me or show me emotions and yet, he is opening up to this woman I don't know exists .
I confronted him and he told me they are just friends, swears that he only has lunch with her in a group. Etc. I tell him I know of their lunch dates, and that one was arranged whilst I was laying in my hospital bed waiting for my op, a bag of nerves whilst he was sitting next to me. That hurt so much. He is always too busy to take a lunch break with me, but can set aside time for her. When confronted again he confesses that yes he does meet her for lunch. Swears again only friendship. I tell him that she's not a friend because I know nothing of her, and it's an emotional affair. He has shown me full access to other work emails and indeed it does look as though it's not physical. I tell him that whilst now it's emotional it has already crossed the line and is on a slippery slope. He messages her to tell her I've found the messages which are probably inappropriate. She responds apologising and that she doesn't want to upset me and agrees to keep it professional.
I dont know where to go from here. Yes there have been troubles in our marriage, life with DS is incredibly difficult, which puts pressure on us and DH struggles with his mental health. We have talked for hours and it's feels as though we've been able to be honest to each other. But here I am early hours still feeling hurt about the lies, hurt that I didn't know thst DH is even able to open up like that, hurt that someone I don't know has so much insight into our marriage. He tells me he doesn't fancy her, who knows he was so convincing with his lying. I'm not sure how to trust him when he is away.