How to navigate wanting to end the marriage

[NotAUniqueProblem]

I will try not to make this too long.

Married, 3 kids. It has been a dawning realisation over the years that we are very very wrong for eachother. Zero emotional closeness or understanding. But we like each other support each other.

I have realised that I cannot bear to spend the rest of my life like this. I am in my late 30s and the kids are all 6 and under. The idea is just horrifying to me.

But I am constantly berating myself for wanting to leave and break up the family. I feel that I am being incredibly selfish and that I'm putting my needs above everyone else's. I almost don't want to be told to do it, I want to be told to get my head down and grin and bear it like women used to.

If I leave it will devastate my husband, my family, his family. I do think the kids will be ok but perhaps I am being naive about that.

I am desperate to be out of the marriage but I don't think I can cope with the guilt and the feeling of selfishness.

My husband is an extremely kind, sweet and unselfish person. However due to a few things that I won't go into it is unlikely that he'll find anyone else, although I would love it if he could. I have no idea how to stay and I have no idea how to leave.

I don't really know what I'm asking but if anyone has any thoughts or been in a similar position I'd love to hear them.

Does he feel the same - i.e. is he aware you think you're wrong for one another, does he agree? I know you say leaving will devastate him, but surely he can't be unaware if you're so incompatible?

Ultimately, a lot of people divorce. Most kids are fine - maybe struggle to adjust at first, but most are fine. You shouldn't stay in a marriage where you're miserable anyway, but it's clearly affecting you a lot - that will filter down to your children at some point whether you mean it to or not, so leaving and being happier will be a net benefit.

Assuming he's a good father, they're not going to be traumatised by still having two loving parents that happen to be in two different households.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you get here? Did you used to have a better relationship, or was it never really right? I only ask because I wonder if it's something that could be worked on - you seem to have a lot of respect for who he is as a person, just not love for him as a partner (any more?). It sounds like it's too far gone for that, though, and that's not unusual or selfish. You'd be doing yourself a disservice to stay if you're this unhappy and it's not fixable.

Thank you for your reply.

He knows exactly how I feel and I don't think he necessarily disagrees, but he is very very attached to the concept of marriage whereas I am not. He believes in it in a very conservative/Christian way. So the idea of divorce is difficult for him even though he's said he will not stand in the way if that's what I want. He told me the other day he's never felt so badly about himself since the time we've been together which I found both mortifying and incredibly revealing. And yet he is still so committed to making it work.

I do have a lot of respect for him as a person, and I do like him. But we do not fit together at all. It feels to me like we're trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I don't meet his needs and he doesn't meet mine. I think we were just way too optimistic in the beginning, we didn't read the signs properly. And then kids came very early on, and so there was no time to reflect. I do think if the kids hadn't arrived then the marriage would have ended very quickly.

If I decide that the kids won't see my misery, then how can I justify doing this to him? I've been confiding in my mum and while she is incredibly supportive, she can't stop telling me about how she wakes up every morning and feels as though her world is ending.

I think counselling together to try to separate amicably
If its amicable and joint, then it's nobodies business and the impact to your children will be minimised

Thank you @AdamRyan He has been investigating counselling, though I have the suspicion it will simply hasten the end. I didn't know that they might be able to help us work through the end of it though.

I'd like to know if anyone has ever made it through a separation with young kids where the kids have not been left insecure and confused. Is it an inevitability?

Old gimmer here, mother, grandmother, married dozens of years. Big believer in the advantages of stable marriage. HOWEVER. You, sweetie, have one life and deserve to be happy. Your children have one life, and deserve to have a happy mother. You will be OK. You will get to the other side. It'll probably be hard to do, but when you look back, when your children are in university say, what shape to you want your life to have had ?
I am wishing you all the very very best.

I think most children actually do OK as long as both parents are happy and not slagging the other one off

Divorce is really common now so at school etc they will have parents with the same set up

If you and your husband can be amicable, live near-ish to each other and share the care/help each other out they will be fine I'm sure

Agree with last 2 posters: I have friends who grew up with divorced parents and other friends who are themselves divorced and co-parenting sensibly and reasonably. They’re all very sorted people, the children are thriving and the relationships are functional. I think it’s much more damaging for children to be brought up in an unhappy marriage than with separated parents who co-parent reasonably and amicably.

Watching as I am also considering separation. This is a helpful thread, hope things work out for you OP

I think his words are enough to make it completely clear that you should separate, if your own feelings weren't enough (and they are!).

He's evidently unhappy, too. Living in a marriage where you want to make it work, even though you KNOW you aren't the right person for your spouse is miserable - he's trapped by his own ideals about marriage, and feeling like he's not enough to make it work. That's so sad, for him and for you.

And as his religion/conservatism is trapping him, you're trapped by your fears of what might happen to him/the children.

Except it seems clear he'd be happier separating, at least in the long run - not least because this feeling like he's not making you happy is obviously doing a number on his self-esteem. Him saying he wouldn't stand in your way if it's what you wanted is a) someone who genuinely wants you to be happy and b) wants a decision he feels conflicted about taken away from him. He doesn't feel comfortable initiating a divorce because it goes against what he believes in - but he is 'happy' for you to initiate one, somehow absolving him of the 'blame' for it in his head (and maybe - in a religious context - in God's eyes).

Better two loved, supported children than raised by two people both feeling bound by a marriage where they're both aware they don't fulfil the other's needs/make them truly happy. I promise you.

(Your mother's response is awful: it's not about her, and it's not supportive of her to put her own emotional response to it on you as though that should influence your decision.)

@user1469770863 You made me quite weepy. Thank you for your lovely words.

@Dery & @AdamRyan This is the kind of set up I envisage. Even living on the same street and having no restrictions with time with the kids and still sharing all the big celebrations. But I worried that I wasn't seeing things clearly or trying to see a rosy coloured future for my own benefit.

@housemaus Your insights are quite astounding - what you're saying about him not wanting to take the blame is shockingly close to the truth. He's extremely passive and unwilling to make big moves.
And yes I was quite taken aback by my mum's views. As I said she is being very supportive of me and I am trying to be respectful that this is a little bit of her dream shattering. She said we always looked like a beautiful unit from the outside so this is hard for her.

I actually kind of get where your mum is coming from, @NotAUniqueProblem - some close friends of mine are divorcing currently, and I find it weirdly destabilising. They've been together as long as I've known them both (over a decade) and have been the picture of the perfect couple, so much so it's been commented on by our friendship group many times. It's an odd reminder that not everything is as it seems, that even seemingly great things can end, that this unit you pictured in your head will now be two different parts, that a permanent fixture of your life isn't permanent. Even that, if you're close enough to the situation, your own life will change - I'll no longer have time with my friends together, and I guess your mum might feel the same. And, as a parent, I guess it also means accepting your child is unhappy/will have to go through the potential difficulties of a divorce - which I imagine would be upsetting for her.

So I have some sympathy there - her mistake is ever expressing it to you, because much like 'ring theory' with grief (the idea that you only ever vent/ask for support with your grief with people less connected to the situation than yourself so you don't overload people with feeling responsible for your emotions while trying to manage their own) she's adding her emotional state to your considerations.

Hopefully this is poorly-considered overshare rather than her genuinely trying to influence you.

And while your husband is being cowardly by being unable to make the big moves himself, that means you know that you have to do it: he certainly doesn't sound happy either. Sounds like he might be grateful for the relief of not having to make the call: it's not fair that you have to be the one to call it, though.

Lord, if he feels like this: He told me the other day he's never felt so badly about himself since the time we've been together, then pulling the trigger on a divorce would be the best thing for both of you.

I think some relationship counselling specifically around divorce and how to best manage that - the ‘conscious uncoupling’ idea - would be really beneficial. If it’s absolution from the decision he seeks, then this could really help. And if it’s a blueprint for a divorced future you need, it can offer that too in a supportive space.

I could have written this. No advice as I’m in an almost identical situation - following though as maybe someone has some words of wisdom xx

@housemaus

Thank you. The more I think about the idea of needing to take this out of his hands the more it makes sense to me. I have always suspected that he has never been happy with me. The overriding sense was that everything he did was 'dutiful' rather than heartfelt.

I am also starting to feel less guilty about my feelings.

@category12 Yes - isn't it a shocking thing to say, and yet paradoxically he won't admit that I don't make him happy.

@NoSquirrels I will be talking to a counsellor about this. I think DH needs to be convinced by some professional outside party that I am not doing him any good.

I wonder if anyone will see this but I am still very much struggling with my own guilt here.

To paint a picture briefly, I have my DM, I'm an only child. DH has my MIL, SIL and BIL.

His side don't know much about what's going on - yet - however, I know for a fact that it will cause a nuclear fallout.

My own DM is still traumatised by the whole thing and I feel extremely judged by her. I also know that DH thinks I should just suck it up and stick the marriage out, regardless of how I feel.

The problem is that there is a huge part of me that agrees with them. I cannot escape from the idea that I am the most selfish person in the world for wanting to split up the family. Just because I am unsatisfied in my marriage to a man who has done absolutely nothing wrong. I feel like I'm screaming but no one can hear me. I have absolutely no idea what to do.

But he's not even happy himself.

Marriage isn't supposed to built on mutual misery.

Just because people are afraid of change, doesn't mean it's the wrong thing.

@category12 is absolutely right. When we decide to get married we do it because we love the person and he/she makes us happy. So why is it when we realize we are not happy anymore that we think of everyone else but ourselves? This is your marriage; you started it and you are well within your rights to end it if it does not make you happy any more. Good luck OP. Remember, you deserve to be happy and you can do this!💕

I'll be blunt with you. Who cares who else is upset? Your mother being traumatised by you separating, is quite frankly ridiculous and she needs to cop on a small bit.
You need to put yourself and your children first. Do you think your kids like seeing their parents miserable? Do you want your kids to think that it's normal to stay with someone just to make other people happy? It's ludacris ! You need to bite the bullet here and just end it. Rip the band aid off and leave go of the guilt.

I'll be blunt with you. Who cares who else is upset? Your mother being traumatised by you separating, is quite frankly ridiculous and she needs to cop on a small bit.

Yes, this, as well.

Wonder why she wants you up on the cross.

I think you have a very idealistic idea of what separation will mean. Living on the same street with your children coming and going and joint family events? Very few people manage that level of co parenting. How do you think new partners would fit in to it?

I dont believe anyone should stay in an unhappy relationship for children but I also think the impact of separation is often glossed over on mumsnet in a way to make it seem more acceptable for the adults.

Dh and I have children with other people and children together. Without a doubt our children together have had an easier and more secure childhood than our older children because they live in the same home as both their parents don't have step parents two homes and all the fun that comes with that.

There are very few reasons I would leave my marriage and put my younger children through separation DH feels the same. That is with the knowledge that my ex and I werent right for each other.

If my marriage did end I certainly wouldn't blend another family and add more additional people and relationships to my children's lifes. And we have a happy and successful blended family but that has not come without challenges for everyone.

So I would say 100% go to counselling with your husband and work through what separation will look like for your family and children and try to make it as amicable as possible and visualise how you want you want your life to look like afterwards. Also to help work through the guilt you feel and may continue to feel.

Also look into age appropriate support for your children as you go through the process.

Your mother's feelings are irrelevant, @NotAUniqueProblem!

I know others are a bit more gung-ho than I am - but I would see divorce only as an absolute last resort. I went down that route as a last resort (nobody would argue with my reasons, which were far worse than low-grade unhappiness/infidelity/him abusing me - all of which I could have tolerated), and it has been very, very difficult. I am now 50 and my children are all at university, and my friends who are still married are not exactly revelling in their wonderful married lives - but they do have a state of equilibrium, and they and their husbands basically look out for one another. My mum and dad have been married for 52 years and they are hardly love's young dream, but they like one another, respect one another, and are good company and care for one another. Whereas I don't have that, even though I did meet someone else (it's good, but not the same as being with the father of your children). That, to me, is why it's worth sticking with a marriage if your husband is basically ok.

As an afterthought: if you absolutely feel that you have to leave, don't go down the 'blended family' route. Divorce is bad enough without introducing this to the mix.

Former relationship counsellor here- it would absolutely be appropriate to attend counselling prior to separating. It’s not to “fix” relationships- but to help Work out what is right for the relationship, build on and develop healthy and respectful communication and explore issues in a safe and boundaried place. Sounds ideal for you guys and I think it would only be of help

Why do you think he has done nothing wrong?

He does not meet your emotional needs. He's not willing to take any steps to change this.

Live is too short to spend 50 years or more of it deeply unhappy. Your children see this and think it's acceptable, do you have daughters?