How to navigate wanting to end the marriage

[NotAUniqueProblem]

I will try not to make this too long.

Married, 3 kids. It has been a dawning realisation over the years that we are very very wrong for eachother. Zero emotional closeness or understanding. But we like each other support each other.

I have realised that I cannot bear to spend the rest of my life like this. I am in my late 30s and the kids are all 6 and under. The idea is just horrifying to me.

But I am constantly berating myself for wanting to leave and break up the family. I feel that I am being incredibly selfish and that I'm putting my needs above everyone else's. I almost don't want to be told to do it, I want to be told to get my head down and grin and bear it like women used to.

If I leave it will devastate my husband, my family, his family. I do think the kids will be ok but perhaps I am being naive about that.

I am desperate to be out of the marriage but I don't think I can cope with the guilt and the feeling of selfishness.

My husband is an extremely kind, sweet and unselfish person. However due to a few things that I won't go into it is unlikely that he'll find anyone else, although I would love it if he could. I have no idea how to stay and I have no idea how to leave.

I don't really know what I'm asking but if anyone has any thoughts or been in a similar position I'd love to hear them.

I hope how the kids fare relates to how well the split is handled, but I’m biased because I want that to be true, if you see what I mean. My marriage is essentially just a child care arrangement these days, so I tell myself that could still continue just without the facade - probably unrealistic!

I understand the arguments of various PPs that the grass is not always greener, and I think when it comes to new relationships I would certainly be very sceptical of whether that would be in my future at least (much as I’d love some passion)

But for me and it sounds like you OP, it’s not the case that someone has caught our eye or petty differences are magnified- if you’ve fundamentally married the wrong person , and you feel sick in your soul as you just don’t love him, how do you resign yourself to that for the next 40 years?

ps I also have mother issues, and while it’s easy to say ‘never mind her’ it’s hard in reality- I am finding individual counselling really helpful in managing that aspect , I would recommend. I didn’t find marriage counselling at all helpful

@teastainedmug

It sounds like we are in very similar situations. I also have no one that has turned my head, I would rather just be myself right now.

I definitely feel like I need some personal therapy. It’s just the finding of one that is proving quite tricky!

OP, I’m not sure if you are still here, but please PM me if you are. Your post could have been my post, I am pretty much in exactly the same position as you with a conservative christian husband, three small kids (7 and under) and incredibly unhappy. I won’t hijack your feed here with my own issues, but if you’d like to chat and offer support to one another, I am in desperate need of a friend who can understand the complexity of the situation, especially the religious aspects. I have some amazingly supportive friends, but they’re not religious and can’t quite understand that aspect, and the added ramifications that would bring onto the husband and even the kids. Does your husband pressure you to go to his conservative church?