How to navigate wanting to end the marriage

[NotAUniqueProblem]

I will try not to make this too long.

Married, 3 kids. It has been a dawning realisation over the years that we are very very wrong for eachother. Zero emotional closeness or understanding. But we like each other support each other.

I have realised that I cannot bear to spend the rest of my life like this. I am in my late 30s and the kids are all 6 and under. The idea is just horrifying to me.

But I am constantly berating myself for wanting to leave and break up the family. I feel that I am being incredibly selfish and that I'm putting my needs above everyone else's. I almost don't want to be told to do it, I want to be told to get my head down and grin and bear it like women used to.

If I leave it will devastate my husband, my family, his family. I do think the kids will be ok but perhaps I am being naive about that.

I am desperate to be out of the marriage but I don't think I can cope with the guilt and the feeling of selfishness.

My husband is an extremely kind, sweet and unselfish person. However due to a few things that I won't go into it is unlikely that he'll find anyone else, although I would love it if he could. I have no idea how to stay and I have no idea how to leave.

I don't really know what I'm asking but if anyone has any thoughts or been in a similar position I'd love to hear them.

What are you talking about? There's noone else involved! How judgemental

I also know that DH thinks I should just suck it up and stick the marriage out, regardless of how I feel.

You are unhappy. He knows you are unhappy. He's told you he's unhappy. But his answer is "suck it up" and "stick it out"? Til when? One of you dies?

In itself that should tell you something about him and your marriage. He is doing nothing to resolve a situation that's making you unhappy. That's not how a loving partner behaves.

In effect you are screaming and him and your mum are ignoring it. Please don't ignore it yourself.

Not at all. PP mentioned blending families, and how hard it is. I'm not remotely judging the OP, so get off your high horse.

Also - yes, life is too short to spend 50 years (or even 5 years) of it deeply unhappy. But divorce does not guarantee happiness. I now have equilibrium, but it has taken 10 years to get to this stage. I wouldn't say it was happiness, though. I would far rather have an "ok" husband and still be married.

Read the threads when about 99% of women have said they don't regret separation or divorce. Most say they wish they had done it sooner. Hard as it will be imagine looking back in 20 years when kids are in college and u realise you have settled and put everyone before you. I'd imagine that would be grim

I'm not certain that what you've said is enough to go on really. You're both unhappy and say you're not a good fit but what does this mean day to day? Do you fancy each other? Is there affection? Was there attraction originally? Is this important to you still? Do you spend time together or are you more like housemates? Why does your husband say he's never been so unhappy? Separation is tough. Sometimes life on the other side is better. Sometimes it's hard financially and you're lonely.

I left my marriage just over a year ago. Similar reasons to what you've outlined. Ex is extremely passive and wanted me to stick it out with him with nothing changing. He refused to talk about anything then ignored me with silent treatment for around a year until I finally left. We are co parenting well and I can say that I am no longer feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage. However everyday my heart breaks for my son and I wish more and more for the family to be back together again. So it's not always as simple as LTB as suggested on here so easily. If I could go back in time I would not have left and broken our family apart like I did. I know it's an unhealthy thing to think but that's how I feel. So be careful of acting rashly. Do you have people to talk to IRL?

If you don't look after yourself then who will? Your mother is being ridiculous trying to guilt you to stay in an unhappy marriage. That is not being supportive in my view.

Get counselling but the reality is only you can make the decision to live a happier life. Stop squashing your inner voice thats screaming at you, it will make you ill, either physically or mentally. I think you will feel better once the decision has been made tbh.

Thank you all so much for all of these replies.

To clarify, if anyone is interested!

• his happiness level genuinely puzzles me. I do not think he's happy, but it's almost as if he's never really happy with anything. His baseline of happiness is very much lower than most people almost. I don't believe I make him happy but he's very much wanting to do absolutely everything he possibly can (his words) to keep the marriage going
• I am absolutely 100% miserable. I have no attraction to him whatsoever, I cannot ever see myself wanting to touch him in a romantic way again. He does not help me in any practical way (he tries very hard, but bless him he's just a bit useless despite how hard he tries)
• Yes I am aware my view of separation may be completely unrealistic. I honestly don't know what it will look like but I do dream of a nice situation where everyone is happy.
• Husband is 'basically ok' as someone put it. Probably more than ok really. Very generous, supportive and tries hard. But he leaves me completely cold and everything is a lot easier when he's not around. So is it worth sticking to it when someone is 'basically ok'? Is this all we should hope for? I sort of thought that perhaps a good relationship would be more than this. But maybe this is unrealistic?
• We have had 2 sessions with a relationship counsellor. It hasn't made me more hopeful.
• We have a son and 2 daughters. I want them to see a good example of a healthy relationship but they are too young right now for them to notice any of that.
• He absolutely wants to address all of my needs. Emotional etc. But I absolutely do not want him to bother.
• Sex is of huge importance to me and of very little importance to me.

@Dollycake and @whatevrrrr so would you genuinely go back in time and not leave?

This might sound harsh, but fuck the fallout. This is your life to live, not your family's. You are miserable and your children will know this, whatever you might hope.

Leave, soon. It won't get better until you do.

(Been there and done that, so I'm speaking from experience.)

@NotAUniqueProblem you get one life. Please don't spend in misery. Children of happy separated parents are far better off than miserable yoked together adults, living a resentful half life.

@user1469770863 love the use of the word gimmer and love your post.

Fuck the fallout.

I love that.

It is my life but I'm also deciding for other people's lives like the kids. Am I putting my own happiness above theirs. This is how it feels to me.

Fuck the fallout is exactly what I am talking about. No not all children are happier.

Go over to the step parenting board and read all of the miserable and resentful posts of people who are in blended families that hate it, hate the children from a prior relationship. Read up on the challenges of co parenting across two homes and the impact that has on children. Yes if you are comparing it to family units with high conflict and abuse its probably a better outcome but it isn't without its own set of challenges.

Dating and meeting someone that you can build a blended family with is no walk in the park and isn't guaranteed. Neither is being a single mother.

So if you want to leave your marriage it should be because you will be happier by yourself with your children as a family unit of four than you are in your relationship.

It's a hell of a dilemma isn't it? I'm not best placed to comment (but I will anyway). My wife and I are not happy, no kids, she sees us separating as inevitably making her life worse and I see it as making mine better, at least in some ways. I want to be on my own, my wife says I can do that with her but that always turns toxic from both of us.

The easy response is that "well she is wrong and will be happier, most people are after separation" - do we know that to be really true though or is it what the person who decides to initiate it hangs on to as a reason?

You said your husband will not meet anyone else? What makes you say that?

It is my life but I'm also deciding for other people's lives like the kids. Am I putting my own happiness above theirs. This is how it feels to me.

I'm really interested in this as you keep saying it. Where is it coming from? Is it your mum? Your husband? When I divorced my husband framed it to everyone as me leaving "to make myself happy" which was infuriating so your post resonates.

I don't think "happiness" is black and white, and I also don't think you should be describing your decision to end the marriage (if you do) as about "happiness"

You are finding it intolerable. You feel like you are screaming and noone is listening.
Leaving is to make your life tolerable, not to make you "happy".

With respect to your children, would you have been "happy" as a child with two parents living under the same roof but not in a happy marriage? I think most children want their parents to be ok, not miserable. I have seen friends whose parents "stayed together for the kids" really struggle with the guilt of that as adults.

FWIW leaving my exH did not make me "happy". Life is stressful and difficult a lot of the time, as it is for everyone.

What is better though is being able to make my own decisions and not living my life to keep him "happy".

The one couple I know who divorced when their DD was under 5 are better as friends and co-parents than they ever were as a married couple. They behaved like adults, did proper 50/50, have both met new partners and their DD is now 20 and is a well adjusted lovely young woman. If you and your husband can be on the same page about moving on, it could absolutely be the best thing for everyone.

How old are you?

I left my DH when I had 3 dc under 6. I had been miserable for a long time but it was his drinking and gambling that I guess made my decision less complex than yours is.

It definitely wasn’t easy - but ten years on, I’m married again with a blended family that works well - though I know people on here don’t like blended families. We are happy. Kids are happy and well adjusted and it was, without question, the right thing to do.

In your shoes, I would try counselling first, but know that you can leave if that doesn’t make staying seem like a good option.

@NotAUniqueProblem I have my own live thread but just saw your update from 9:15 this morning and had to respond - I understand completely where you are coming from, and it is so so hard.

I am coming round to the view that my children are being more damaged by our staying together than us splitting - I am so miserably unhappy that I am beginning to struggle to function properly.

but the guilt and the practical upheaval loom so large. My sympathies x

When your children are adults, would you want them to stick out a miserable marriage for everyone else's sake? Would you give the same advice as your mother to them?

Your mother's not traumatised she's being a drama llama. Pull the pin OP.
You'll no doubt face blame and criticism but your DH is probably counting on that so he can get out of the marriage looking like a poor, rejected victim.
And if that's the type of character he is it's all the more reason to end the charade. Let the crocodile tears and family gossip wash over you. Their opinions are irrelevant.

This forum is full of people who struggle with co-parenting. My divorce was over and done within 7-9 months. We do co-parent effectively however that takes work and compromise and always putting the children first.
In the first few yrs, the children found it hard to adapt. Now they're thriving to a certain extent.
However, no one really knows what the children really think. That will come when they're adults. Even when divorced one still has to have a relationship with the ex.
Luckily the ex's new partner is on board with the parenting styles of the mother and father. My choice of partner was not on board and it has caused difficulties. eventually leading to infidelity and the children hate her because of her step-parenting style.

Divorce isn't a catch-all for marital problems.

Divorce is heavily and mistakenly idealised on these boards, it won't solve all your problems. Why do you think the counselling didn't work? Are you approaching it with the right mindset? If you go into those sessions with your mind already made up, it won't help anyone.

It takes 2 to fix a marriage and so if OPs husband isn't on board with counselling then changing her mindset won't help.

If her problems are mainly caused by an unhappy relationship then yes divorce is a potential solution. Especially if her husband is not willing to take an active role in fixing anything.

Thank you every one again so much for the responses.

@Notsuchaniceguy I don't think he'll meet anyone because he's quite socially awkward and not many peoples' cups of tea however I would very much love him to meet someone and I've told him as much! He would be a lovely partner for the right person.

@AdamRyan I'm not sure where my inner dialogue about it is coming from. I'm probably imagining that this is what my mum is thinking yes. We are quite close and her opinion has always mattered a great deal to me.
I think you're right about the concept of happiness. It's not really what I'm hoping for, just not misery would be nice! A calm level of contentment. Not crazy joy.

@pointythings Thank you for this - this is what I would love to happen.

@OhMerde I'm 37.

@teastainedmug Thank you, I wish you the very best for your journey. xx

@YRGAM I am going in to the sessions with my mind made up, you're right. Which is wrong of me. The choice in my mind is to muddle along with someone I don't love and have no attraction to, or to divorce. I don't see how counselling is going to help but I felt I had to go along with it.

I am really interested in those people who have a more cautious view of all this. Do you think that how the kids fare is purely to do with how well the parents deal with the situation?