Has anyone tried ‘nesting’?

Birdsmaking · 2023-02-23T09:28:07+00:00

Keen to hear of any experiences (or opinions) on nesting - looks like sadly our marriage may be ending and we are considering this, not least for financial reasons, and so we don’t disrupt kids as much (early teens). We would probably initially rent a room/studio which we would take turns staying in, alternating this with being in the house with the kids, more or less 50/50. There’s not enough money for two houses at the moment, in our area - it would likely be a transition arrangement, and a kind of trial separation. Has anyone tried this? What were the pros/cons? Currently we are amicable and no other people involved otherwise obviously it would be a non starter!

ArcticSkewer · 23/02/2023 09:30

Yes, but we bought a terrace, rented a room out which paid that mortgage, then 50:50.
It worked well. You probably need a certain type of temperament, and access to additional mortgage facility.

We did well financially out of it as both houses increased in value in the meantime.
Divorce doesn't have to be costly or combative.

Humanswarm · 23/02/2023 09:42

It can work in principle. But, it's essentially like living out of a suitcase. It's unsettling. But if you're not concerned about that, then, like I said, it can work.
I think, whilst there are no new partners on the scene it's simple enough but you also need to consider the future and if that's going to be a possibility. Because that may change the dynamics considerably.
I would cover yourself legally. Even if things are amicable now. Such as what happens when one person wants to end the agreement..

ArcticSkewer · 23/02/2023 09:52

I have to admit, it is unsettling. I always reminded myself that it was either me or my kids living this way. I don't see how it's easier for teens to do it instead, but that's just my personal opinion.
If you are renting... it's a big expense but also can be quickly wound up if not working out.
I'm not interested in a live in partner ever again so that didn't matter for me but is something to consider. Any permanent new partners would need to be fairly understanding.
Don't expect anyone to be supportive - everyone thinks it's weird. Plus it challenges views on how things 'should ' be. I've always been happy living my life regardless of outside opinion but it's something to consider.

Original poster

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 10:08

Thank you both, and yes, the living out of a suitcase feeling wouldn't be great after a while I fear...

I'm surprised more people don't do it in a way - how else do (most) people afford to split up? You would have to be a millionaire around here to afford 2 family sized houses... I guess one parent (usually the DH) just gets a small flat or something? But then how do the kids stay there? I know I sound naive, I'm just trying to get my head around it all...

OP posts:

moofolk · 23/02/2023 10:27

I'm following with interest.

I wanted to do this, but neither of us own / are in a position to buy houses and renting is crazy.

Kids dad lives in a decent sized flat and I'm in a rented house. Kids do 50/50 and we have a good system but I still feel it's unsettling for them. As we now both have partners (we don't live with, but would like to one day), I'm wondering if this makes it more tenable.

Kids stay in the place they've known since birth and we come and go (sharing with respective partners, not getting another flat). The aim I suppose would be that eventually the kids stay there and we move out when they are adults.

The flat is HA and so cheap rent.

FMSucks · 23/02/2023 10:35

Did it for 6 whole weeks and my ex had a breakdown and couldn't do it anymore. It is exhausting. We just live together now as co-parents, nothing more, and it's working well. No partners either side though.

Original poster

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 11:02

Thanks @moofolk and@FMSucks
Really good to hear other peoples experiences - the whole thing is very lonely!
I heard a good podcast on nesting will try to find it and link… sounds similar to what you are thinking of @moofolk with new partners and then the kids having their ‘own house’ that the parents take turns in. Seemed to have worked well for the family on the podcast anyway! They seemed to have plenty of money though…
@FMSucks this is the alternative for us and what we are currently doing - do you have your own room? This is the sticking point for us really, there is no spare room and so we are currently doing sofa bed etc which is not sustainable.
Can I ask what you’ve agreed - is it temporary, are you allowed to see other people?
Also - what was so exhausting about nesting? Sorry for all the questions!

OP posts:

Tuilpmouse · 23/02/2023 11:08

Yes. I've been doing this for 7 months since the summer. One week on, one week off. It's working out fine. It's not going to be forever, but relatively straightforward way of moving forward with a separation if you're on good terms with your ex.

High school aged kids seem fine with it. Yes, it's a little unsettling, but not too bad... and I like the "me time" of being at the flat with no family responsibilities! Besides, it's not the kids' fault we split, so if anyone's going to be unsettled, it should be me and ex.

You do need to have a decent relationship with your ex for this to work though.

Tuilpmouse · 23/02/2023 11:10

Also - what was so exhausting about nesting? Sorry for all the questions!

There is work in terms of transferring between the two, but if you're relatively well set up in both properties it's hardly "living out or a suitcase", but it's hardly exhausting.

And if it is "exhausting" for you to live like this, then it's going to be equally exhausting for the kids if they are constantly having to move between places.

Original poster

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 11:13

Thank you @Tuilpmouse
Can I ask - are you renting a shared flat for the ‘off’ weeks? And does one week on/off seem easier than a few days at a time?

OP posts:

FMSucks · 23/02/2023 11:15

@Birdsmaking - yes we both have our own rooms. We are able to see other people yes (I dated briefly but it was too difficult and I am just not in a place to even contemplate another relationship, its my idea of hell!) We've agreed to do this until our youngest turns 18 (he's 12). We're very easy going with each other and respect each other and our boundaries which is fundamental to it working. We also have the same values in life, our family is everything to both of us.

I was okay with the nesting, my ex couldn't get it together to know where he was supposed to be at any given time. He just wasn't able for it so we had to stop doing it and figure out something else. He did not cope well with our separation which was instigated by me, however it wasn't a bolt out of the blue, he had just buried his head in the sand for years.

I wish you well. It's not an easy road no matter what route you take x

Original poster

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 11:41

Thank you @FMSucks , that’s really useful.

It’s so hard to know what’s for the best… and yes every road ahead feels hard. Hope things continue to work well for you.

OP posts:

Tuilpmouse · 23/02/2023 11:57

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 11:13

Thank you @Tuilpmouse
Can I ask - are you renting a shared flat for the ‘off’ weeks? And does one week on/off seem easier than a few days at a time?

Yes, we're renting a flat. We thoroughly clean and change linen before we swap over, and have separate space in cupboards etc. I definitely prefer a week to a few days as that would be too disruptive. Also, I still see the kids once or twice in my "off" week.

Tuilpmouse · 23/02/2023 12:00

It's expensive though... renting an extra place isn't cheap! Luckily our finances can stretch to it without it being a problem - it basically means that we're having to forego big foreign holidays rather than basic groceries.

Original poster

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 12:05

Thank you @Tuilpmouse is it much better than living together as friends/housemates, do you think? This is what I’m trying to weigh up…

OP posts:

Tuilpmouse · 23/02/2023 12:13

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 12:05

Thank you @Tuilpmouse is it much better than living together as friends/housemates, do you think? This is what I’m trying to weigh up…

Massively better than living as housemates (apart from the cost). We were effectively housemates before we did this, and it was just awkward and felt dishonest. We get on so much better now than we did under one roof. I feel so much more relaxed.

And you can date in a way you can't when housemates (though the current arrangements couldn't continue if things ever got serious.)

PeekAtYou · 23/02/2023 12:18

Does he currently do 50% of the housework and parenting ? For example is he likely to stock the fridge on changeover day and make sure the house is clean and tidy? That kind of thing would seriously grate. Also parenting - would he book appointments for say parent evenings ir expect you to do it? Is he good at passing on messages from school that only he might know because he did pick up that day?

The other thing is privacy. How would you feel having to hide letters addressed to you ? Is he likely to snoop /could you resist not looking at opened mail left on the side?

PeekAtYou · 23/02/2023 12:21

My ex has never had to consider school catchment so can rent for much less than me. Plus contact was at weekends so living in a flat with no garden wasn't an issue because he could drive or walk to the park instead.

Original poster

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 12:42

@Tuilpmouse thank you, that sounds really positive. Living as housemates (especially with no spare room) has driven me close to depression tbh, hence the need for another solution…

@PeekAtYou yes, DH does his fair share domestically, I think we would have to have very clear rules but I wouldn’t be too worried about that side of things. Good point re catchment areas although as my DC are teens I’d like them to be able to walk to/get to school easily from both places…

OP posts:

Nightynightnight · 23/02/2023 12:48

As above. This works well where the relationship was already pretty equal in terms of housework. What you don't want to end up happening is you cleaning and sorting both properties, because that will lead to conflict that is worse for the children in the longer term. But if you can thrash out good ground rules and you both are happy to stick to them, then nesting is by far the easiest for kids to cope with. Why on earth we expect kids to be able to suck up moving their lives from one house to another on a weekly or even daily basis, when parents recoil in horror at the thought is beyond me.

Jollyhoho · 23/02/2023 13:03

I know a couple who stayed together for the sake of the kids. They were actually good friends. They lived in the same house, seperate rooms (but the DH was in a tiny box room) - the kids were clear that their parents weren't in love and would get a divorce but in x years time but they were still bestfriends.

Lived like that for 5years until kids started going to Uni. Really wasn't a drama.

It did work for them. They laughed and joked together. Made parental and joint financial decisions together but they also had slightly seperate lives. They both financially planned their separation and bought houses afterwards for themselves.

It sounds really weird but they didnt hate each other. I guess it really does fall down to temperament.

Tuilpmouse · 23/02/2023 13:07

Why on earth we expect kids to be able to suck up moving their lives from one house to another on a weekly or even daily basis, when parents recoil in horror at the thought is beyond me.

This 100%

Original poster

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 14:07

@Jollyhoho that sounds good - I guess that works best when the separation is 100% mutual (ours isn't quite) - and when there's a spare room! (Which we don't have sadly)

One worry I have about 'staying together for the kids' is that things will change from amicable to acrimonious through the sheer stress of living together. I do think DC pick up on the fact that things aren't right between us. I think nesting feels like the best option but I'm still not exactly relishing the thought.

OP posts:

Tuilpmouse · 23/02/2023 14:39

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 14:07

@Jollyhoho that sounds good - I guess that works best when the separation is 100% mutual (ours isn't quite) - and when there's a spare room! (Which we don't have sadly)

One worry I have about 'staying together for the kids' is that things will change from amicable to acrimonious through the sheer stress of living together. I do think DC pick up on the fact that things aren't right between us. I think nesting feels like the best option but I'm still not exactly relishing the thought.

When you say it's not 100% mutual, do you mean that one of you would like the relationship to continue?

If so, I can totally get why you're stressed with your current situation... Actually, in that situation, making a break into "nesting" is probably better than what you're currently doing (so long as you generally get on and broadly trust the other person) as it provides a degree of closure on the relationship with you essentially leading separate lives in a way that isn't possible if you live under one roof.

Tuilpmouse · 23/02/2023 14:44

PeekAtYou · 23/02/2023 12:18

Does he currently do 50% of the housework and parenting ? For example is he likely to stock the fridge on changeover day and make sure the house is clean and tidy? That kind of thing would seriously grate. Also parenting - would he book appointments for say parent evenings ir expect you to do it? Is he good at passing on messages from school that only he might know because he did pick up that day?

The other thing is privacy. How would you feel having to hide letters addressed to you ? Is he likely to snoop /could you resist not looking at opened mail left on the side?

We do all those things apart from re-stock the fridge. I want to get what I want to eat, and he gets in what he wants to eat... We might get on well but, nonetheless, part of making the break is not having to be beholden on your ex to choose what you're going to be eating for the week ahead! If we did buy for each other, there'd likely be more tension between us!