Has anyone tried ‘nesting’?

[Birdsmaking]

Keen to hear of any experiences (or opinions) on nesting - looks like sadly our marriage may be ending and we are considering this, not least for financial reasons, and so we don’t disrupt kids as much (early teens). We would probably initially rent a room/studio which we would take turns staying in, alternating this with being in the house with the kids, more or less 50/50.

There’s not enough money for two houses at the moment, in our area - it would likely be a transition arrangement, and a kind of trial separation.

Has anyone tried this? What were the pros/cons? Currently we are amicable and no other people involved otherwise obviously it would be a non starter!

'When you say it's not 100% mutual, do you mean that one of you would like the relationship to continue?'

@Tuilpmouse yes - it has been me trying to get things back on track for a year or so now, to no avail - we've had counselling, gone away etc etc

Meanwhile I've found that - at worst - it is making me depressed to live in this situation, which is no good for the kids either. So I'm looking at solutions to move forward...

I am thinking of splitting from H and this is the option I would go for. I don’t want the kids to move between homes. As other said, if anyone is unsettled it should be us, not the kids. I think this arrangement would be much easier on the kids. Hopefully it won’t feel too different for them as me and H are rarely in at the same time anyway.

practically. I could not afford to buy anywhere near the kids schools so that’s another reason this is attractive.

in our case, I would buy the nesting house, so when we split when the kids are grown, I would get the nesting house and H keep the ‘family’ house. Ideally, the nesting house would have two bedrooms, so we would each have our own lockable room in that house.

@Dubbydoodoubter that sounds like a good plan - we should probably also consider whether we can buy the nesting flat rather than renting something.

It's all so complicated isn't it... one of the reasons why I've tried to make it work but it gets to the point where it doesn't seem possible.

It's interesting how exhausting and unsettling it is to a lot of the pp but it has been the norm for a long time to expect children to do it between split parents and for it to not be at all bad for them to have 'two homes'. Ive always thought it must be unsettling for them and they must have one place thats more home than the other.

I’ve been doing this for the last six months and to be honest it’s been a nightmare. Each of us stayed with family on our week “off” so the family home was still the only home if that makes sense. When H had the house he would go through my belongings, through my drawers (furniture and knickers!), hid my post and thoroughly resented my time away from the kids even though I worked the majority of those days.

Our split was not necessarily mutually agreed though. After a few years of soldiering on I reached a point where I no longer wanted to try and make it work. He still believes I left him for someone else as he can’t accept I’ve left him for my own sanity and happiness. Perhaps that explains the snooping although obviously doesn’t excuse it.

He’s finally moved out, but it’s ruined any chance we had of being amicable and friendly.

I’m a few years in. At one stage had a joint rental. Now live with others on week off. It’s exhausting to move every week. One of the kids hates it. By the way, you stock the fridge for your own week. I’m not sure it’s easier for kids either and there are some threads saying the trend for 50:50 is disruptive. By the time it ends, 2 kids will be in adulthood.

Sounds very stressful for me. I really need to comfort and security of my home, not sure I could manage it.

The only people I know who’ve made this work successfully had the money to buy a nice size two bed house in the same street.

They have a neutral living room and kitchen. Then their own en suite rooms, with locks, that is their space.

They also have their own rooms, again with locks, in the family home.

Ive known three other families try it but it’s failed as soon as new partners come along.

If you don't trust your ex enough that you have to lock your room etc. nesting is unlikely to work. I get that will be the case in most splits... I seem fortunate not to have that, and be able to have a good relationship with the ex where trust is still there.

Has anyone saved their marriage by doing it?

I’m doing this at the moment (2 weeks in) and it’s already unsustainable (as many wise mumsnetters told me it would be).

H is emotionally abusive and completely self centred. He did nothing to help me set up the “nest”, we are doing 3 days about as our youngest is quite young (4.5) but as a result I essentially run both houses.

The other day I went into the house to start my 3 days and there were dirty mugs everywhere (including one with a used tea bag in the bathroom?!), he had used my Ottolenghi cookbook as a bathroom doorstop and he had taken my pillow!!! Wtf

I have no privacy as he goes through all my stuff in both houses.

I’m using the next couple of months to set up the nest properly (fully furnish it nicely) and untangle our joint finances and then will move there if he won’t. Luckily it’s 3 bed so fine with the kids.

if you weren’t splitting from a fuckwit it might work.

We tried a version of this when we split for about 4 months.

I stayed in the family home with the kids and ex who only wanted one day a week with them came for his day and night but had a rented flat elsewhere. I stayed with friends or in a hotel on his night.

Some bits were good for the kids - they had their own toys, their own space, their own rooms, continuity with things like art projects.

There were fairly massive downsides for me. He wouldn’t contribute financially and so I was covering the cost of the house on my own which felt like supporting him. The house was always left a mess- I tidied and cleaned before he came over but he didn’t do the same. He brought food but would still use and not replace/tell me about staples- it got to the point where I used to hide toddler milk so I would have some when I got home.

Despite the frustrations I’m glad we did it that way initially. I feel it eased the kids into the separation and gave them a chance to get used to the idea before they had to spend nights away from home. They go to his every other weekend now which is much better for me and they enjoy going.

A colleague was doing this for quite a few years, when the children were older teens there started being issues. Eventually it became apparent that the child had struggled with the fact that neither of their parents actually lived with them, they just came to visit while their actual life was in another flat. They both felt very abandoned and it resulted in very difficult teenage years for my colleague and one now adult child who doesn’t have a relationship with either of her parents.

Do you dislike your OH so much that you need to separate? If you could make an arrangement like this work do you not think there is some hope for your marriage? If you have a spare room why does one of you not move in to it? If not could your kids share so that you could have separate rooms? At the weekends one could take the kids out/entertain them while the other does their own thing. Take it in turns who does family dinners through the week etc.

This presumably would have been an issue, perhaps more of an issue, had the child moved between parents' places, and probably more symptomatic of the parent/child relationship than the nesting arrangement.

The situation you describe seems likely to be due to the parents not really engaging with the child when at home (which is easy to let happen when kids are teens) and only being there grudgingly whilst they await their week to be "free" at the flat.

Remaining in a relationship to the point that you end up hating your DH so much that a nesting arrangement couldn't work seems quite common, and isn't good for anyone, you, your DH and especially the children.

The fact that the OP recognises her relationship is over (this doesn't seem to be a sudden decision!) whilst not forcing things to continue to point that everything breaks down in acrimony and hatred is good and healthy.

Thanks all - good to hear different perspectives, and downsides to nesting. I should probably start a new thread sometime on ‘living as housemates’ as I do feel this is the alternative, since we are amicable etc. But it is living with something being wrong every day that I struggle with, perhaps if it was more formalised/agreed on it wouldn’t feel like this - but it definitely has the potential to go very wrong as @Tuilpmouse says.

There’s no easy way to split up when you have children though, is there? Even with all the money in the world, though I’m sure this would help!

And yet kids are expected to do it for years on end...

@Tuilpmouse I see what you mean. I guess I was just thinking that it might go the other way through time and with a little bit of practical/emotional space whilst not separating. I was thinking it might give OP the chance to reconcile with her DH.

The thing is, children need the comfort and security of their home too. And the alternative is the children having to move between properties.

OP has said multiple times that they don’t have a spare room.

It's not always easy to discern when the right time to call it quits is. Unless there has been an affair, abuse, or massive betrayal, I'd have thought it sensible for couples to sleep in separate rooms, or have some time apart (even if it's just a couple of weeks or so staying with family) before actually agreeing to separate, whether that be nesting or splitting households.

In those circumstances it would seem a bit of a jump to going straight from sleeping in the same bed one night to moving out the next!

@WaddleAway no need to be rude!

How is that rude? Surely it’s ruder to not read the OP’s posts properly?

Maybe they do, but my experience of being a divorced mum living in a blended family is that they are generally far more adaptable than most adults, particularly one with a diagnosed mental health issue (ie me).