Has anyone tried ‘nesting’?

[Birdsmaking]

Keen to hear of any experiences (or opinions) on nesting - looks like sadly our marriage may be ending and we are considering this, not least for financial reasons, and so we don’t disrupt kids as much (early teens). We would probably initially rent a room/studio which we would take turns staying in, alternating this with being in the house with the kids, more or less 50/50.

There’s not enough money for two houses at the moment, in our area - it would likely be a transition arrangement, and a kind of trial separation.

Has anyone tried this? What were the pros/cons? Currently we are amicable and no other people involved otherwise obviously it would be a non starter!

Having done the separate rooms in the same house thing, and now nesting, I am now rapidly coming to the conclusion that separate homes is not so bad (particularly if they are quite close to each other and don’t involve massive upheaval e.g. Changing schools)

H and I were in separate rooms before the decision to separate and for 3 months afterwards, and I cannot think it’s good for kids to live with that level of tension in their home, or seeing an adult relationship with a complete absence of affection - it must surely fuck them up more than a civilised split. Our split is not “amicable” between us but we have manage to present it as such for the kids - far more so than our high conflict, EA marriage.

I guess another thing to think about is whether the arrangement would still work if either of you met new partners.

I think the discussion of parents moving or kids moving depends very much on amounts of contact as well.

We have separate houses but the kids very much have one home at my house, whilst they go to his for eow and some holidays.

I imagine that if we did 50/50 the moving would be much more unsettling for them because they wouldn’t have a proper base.

Good point. Despite my current successful nesting arrangement, I'm mindful that this is unlikely to be sustainable for the 5 remaining years of our DCs childhood, so I'm trying to envisage how to manage a split that simultaneously involves a single "home" for the children whilst ensuring the other parent has significant contact... An EOW arrangement wouldn't be enough. I'm thinking maybe ensuring there are afternoons during the week when the children go to the other house after school and for a dinner but then dropped back "home" in the evening as an example so the non-resident parent continues to have lots of contact time, or even for the non-resident parent to go to the "home" once a week or so to be around whilst the other parent goes out to see friends/do a hobby etc. Obviously the latter only works with an amicable split.

You'd also want to formalize the percentage ownerships in the family/both homes at point of seperation including whether they'd be jointly owned with right of survivorship (if one dies ownership passes to the other) or tenants in common in equal or unequal specified shares.

I know someone who is doing nesting long term but they do both have enough income to rent their own flats and they still get on well and share the load. I'd love this to be an option, I don't want kids to have to move between two houses, but gives stbxh behaviour it really would be an exercise in futility to even try.

I think when kids are Teens it’s even more tricky to get them to move between houses as to be honest most want as little as possible to do with parents at that age even if there is no split. The thought of going to your dads or mums eow when your mates are all going out is not a good one for many!

It seems a clever idea and if the adults are good at co parenting I could see the appeal, I just worry it would feel like life is on hold for the adults, must be a weird time of limbo. If you had kids going into exam years I could understand it, but not sure it's an arrangement I could do for years and years, though I respect the sentiment.

There's a seperated couple in my DC class who does this. Dad picks DC from school twice a week and they spend afternoon and dinner at his house and dropped home for bed. He has them to stay EOW. I'm hoping Stbxh will be willing to do something like this as I know because of his EA more time with him wouldn't be in the kids best interests,.

We’ve been nesting for about 18 months (3 kids, all teens) and it’s worked really well. We do week on, week off as a previous poster said- it was the cheapest and easiest way to do it.

We thoroughly clean each week, change bed linen etc and have our own wardrobes so I keep a basic wardrobe and toiletries in each place to minimise the carting around.

It’s unsettling for a couple of hours each week when we change but then it’s fine and I’d rather we had the unsettlement than the kids. If we can carry on till all the kids are 18 we will.

It’s unsettling for a couple of hours each week

Yes it's interesting as it perhaps isn't always considered how unsettling it must be for children to move around. If it's unsettling for an adult, I can only imagine it being worse for a hormone riddled teen.

My best friend and her 3 siblings did week on, week off with their parents in their respective houses throughout their teens and they all HATED it. They never had the right stuff in the right place, never felt settled anywhere. They’d all rather have stayed in one place but they never dared choose between houses for fear of upsetting the other parent. One of her brothers didn’t get on with his mum’s new partner at all so he did eventually choose to stay at his dad’s full time, but the others carried on doing it until they moved out. When my friend came home from uni for the holidays she was still expected to alternate weeks, which meant she eventually stopped bothering to come home as she was more settled at her uni accommodation.
I think it’s shitty that some parents expect their children to do something they wouldn’t be prepared to do themselves (ie split their time between 2 houses).

That’s interesting, @WaddleAway.

I think it we ever did stop nesting and move to two houses, the experience of nesting would mean I either consider something either than a 50/50 split more carefully than i would have done, or else I would expect to spend a lot more in set up than i might otherwise have done- ie making sure kids have two full sets of uniform, two full sets of casual clothes, two make up bags, hair dryers, games consoles etc to try and allay those feelings as much as possible (also I would consider walking distance to school and mates much more now for both properties).

With three kids, that would all require some serious outlay and so I/we would need to plan and save some money towards that over a period of several months I think, and that’s without all the additional furniture etc needed for a whole second house.

I don’t think it’s fair to say parents who split the houses are doing something shitty though. Life throws punches and we are all mostly doing the best we can. Kudos to those who manage it well, it’s a big undertaking.

I phrased that wrongly you’re right. In a lot of situations splitting houses is the only way to manage it, and it can’t be helped. I was more referring to those who were saying they wouldn’t dream of a nesting scenario because they’d struggle with the transitions, without considering that their children would have those same difficulties.
I think a 50:50 scenario is always difficult on the child as they don’t have a ‘base’. My friend had 3 siblings and there certainly wouldn’t have been enough money for them to have sets of everything at both houses. And children of course often have favourite items that can’t easily be duplicated and it can be frustrating for those things to be at the wrong house!
The other thing I remember from us being children was that it made organising okay dates etc more difficult with my friend’s family as each parent had different work commitments/childcare arrangements etc. Just an added layer of complexity. It also didn’t help that my friend has ADHD so she struggled to remember where she (and her belongings) were supposed to be!

Thanks for all the replies - a really interesting discussion and helpful to hear different experiences.

@Toffeeappler Good to hear it works for you all. Can I ask, do you share the flat for the off week?

Also - anyone who does this or does 50/50 - how do you find your ‘off’ times? I was absolutely dreading this at first but I’ve started to think it might have a silver lining in having some time to myself… I guess it’s probably a mix of the two.

Also, on other partners - I think it would be possible to continue in theory but you wouldn’t share the ‘off’ flat presumably in that situation… there is no one else for either of us currently but good to consider for the future.

@Birdsmaking We considered nesting but quickly decided against it, we need our own spaces. We do 50/50 and it works fantasically.. probably because we are still good friends, lots of respect, laughter, give each other hugs infront of kids, hang out sometimes. The kids don't go too long without seeing us, have 2 of everything.. we made it so positive for them.
And now I get 50% of the time to myself and it's amazing! The peace, not just from kids but from another adult. I've found who I am as an individual again. And it's made me a better mum because when I am with them I am totally focussed on them, I've missed them so they get more cuddles, I'm happier and that comes out in the fun way I interact with them, I'm less tired so more energetic for them. Their dad is the same as has become closer to them as is now doing half of the "wifework". The kids have both said they love it as they get to spend time with us as undistracted individuals.

@QueefQueen80s wow this sounds so positive! I think this is what we would eventually want in an ideal world - can I ask how the financials of it worked? Do you have 2 family sized houses? I am looking into options (renting, shared ownership etc) but unfortunately we live in a v pricey area - and kids are settled in school etc

I know someone who did this but they had enough money to buy two flats within short distance - same road, opposite directions - of the main house and they had teens.
So the children stayed put in the main house and the parents took turns to move in - I think it was per month.
The flats were close enough that they could pop in and out for any forgotten items, etc

The only thing that was sad was that as a rule, the children knew where each parent’s flat were but they were not allowed to spend time in it - I think to protect privacy / avoid preferential treatment, etc…but overall seemed like the perfect solution! Lots of money needed though, and is was in London 🫢

@QueefQueen80s this sounds promising… How old were/are your kids?

I enjoy my "off times" at the flat, though struggled a bit initially the night I transferred over. I still she them once or twice a week when at the flat.

As for using the flat with partners, I'm not sure what you mean. If you're referring to a long term situation where you're living with someone, then yes, swapping back and forth with them between the flat and house probably isn't going to be appropriate.

But if you just mean "having someone over" to the flat, then I don't see the problem. What my ex does and who he sees when he's at the flat is his business - I really don't care - and vice versa with me.

Hi @Tuilpmouse and thanks again - yes that makes sense re partners - I guess I was thinking when they are more serious it might be problematic - but tbh I currently have no plans to live with anyone again!

One of my friends had parents who had done this and it had made him very uptight and nervy. Their house was beautiful though and he got to do all the music lessons and holidays because they had enough money. But I remember meals at theirs and even using the kitchen, being downstairs, it was always in the air. He was so happy when he went to university and his mum finally got her own house. He hated her ability to move on being contingent on him. Just adding this as a counter narrative.

Exh rented locally, older children who didn't stay over, no need. But a friend has nested for over 10 years successfully, specific circumstances (adapted house for special needs. At first they each went to their parents when not at the house but over time they met new partners and live there, they have a very good relationship and their respective partners get along. What matter is the children, in this case a young lady with profound disabilities - once she is 21 they will transition her to residential care then sell, perhaps sooner as the care needs are extreme and you reach a point you can't do it anymore

@dancezoo thats interesting, that it could be felt in the air. I guess that’s a worry I have, that it would feel temporary, and the kids would sense that.

@gogohmm good to hear of a situation where it’s worked well - and yes sometimes it might be the only option (perhaps in our case too, not sure yet)

Friends of mine do it. They have 4 children and do week and week about. The kids love it for the most part. But they have plenty of money and each of them has their own apartment away from their house. The plan is to sell the house, or one buy the other out, at some ill-defined point in the future, possibly when the last of the children plans to leave. (which makes no sense really but they haven't decided yet)