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Relationships

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Original poster

My boyfriend slept with his childs mother

97 replies

sillybillyaward · 22/02/2023 15:42

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months, and I fell for him hard. Things have been really good, he's told me I am the love of his life. We have spoken about us moving in. Basically things have been amazing.

He has a child with another woman, I was a bit iffy about this as I think it can cause drama. And it has. Recently she came to our town to do something as she lives a couple of hours away. He didnt tell me until the evening of that she and the child would be staying at his house to save money. I instantly thought it was dodgy, for not saying until I couldn't say anything as she would be on the streets.

I told him i was unhappy with this, he basically turned it around saying he's not kicking his child out on the streets so I felt bad. I didnt sleep the whole night and after 3 days of him acting so weird. He admitted they slept together that night, they weren't drunk, he doesnt know why it happened. I'm heartbroken, he keeps telling me it means nothing, he doesnt want to be with her. If he wanted to he would. he loves me and wants a future with me. I just dont know what to do. She will always be around and i'm scared this will happen again

OP posts:

TwinsAndTiramisu · 22/02/2023 18:24

OK. She's not homeless or "on the streets" unless she's staying with him. He's a liar.

You're a big secret because of child access? No. He's telling her they're still in a relationship. Probably to keep her sweet for sex and child maintenance. He planned and invited her to his house.

Thank god you found out at 9mths. Don't be sad OP. Celebrate. This is a fantastic day for you in the bigger picture. This man would have ruined your life.

Zippidydoda · 22/02/2023 18:27

sillybillyaward · 22/02/2023 16:16

I have been sooo stupid and gullible. He told me he couldnt tell her about me because she would stop him from seeing their child. WHY would you sleep with a woman who is capable of doing this

You haven’t been gullible for trusting him so far. However you would be gullible if you get back with him and don’t see through his BS now that he has proved how untrustworthy he is.

HappyAsASandboy · 22/02/2023 18:29

He doesn't get to say it didn't mean anything. Who cares whether it meant anything to him - it absolutely does mean something to you, so it means something.

Kick him to the kerb. There's better out there.

Iflyaway · 22/02/2023 18:38

I had my suspicions before and he has always gone out of his way to make me feel better. This past weekend, he didnt even try to make me feel better or reassure me. He wouldnt stay at mine because she doesnt know we're even together.

I had my suspicions before ALWAYS go with your gut feeling. It's your protection.

she doesnt know we're even together. So he's a two-timing shit. Poor woman being led up the garden path again by the father of her child.
Maybe she want a sibling for their son. How would you cope if you found out she was pregnant? What if YOU become pregnant?!

Run for the hills and spend some time on your own. Believe me, you will come out of this stronger.
What's the alternative? Be with a man who you cannot trust? Fuck that.

Iflyaway · 22/02/2023 18:40

Oh, and go and get yourself checked for STDs. That will bring you back to reality.

Sorry you're going through this. It's shit, I know.

Danikm151 · 22/02/2023 18:46

He’s stringing you both along

Username721 · 22/02/2023 18:52

Run, don’t walk.

If you stay, you’ll torture yourself every time he picks up his phone, goes out with his child…to use a favourite MN phrase, it’s death by a thousand tiny cuts.

buttercupboots · 22/02/2023 18:52

Leave leave leave! Before you get caught up in this any more. Honestly I was having a conversation with my partner about this the other day as I have a few friends who have separated from the father of their children and their exes frequently try it on with them (whether they have new partners or not). My fiancé said a few of his friends are the same. He said he thinks men find it hard to completely step away from the mother of their children. This woman will always be around and you'll just cause yourself more heartache.

YukoandHiro · 22/02/2023 19:00

"He told me he couldnt tell her about me because she would stop him from seeing their child. WHY would you sleep with a woman who is capable of doing this"

OP, read that back. She never said anything of the sort. He told you that so he could get away with not telling her about you so he could string you both along. Does she even think they've separated? Are you sure she doesn't just think he's working away...?!

Get rid of this loser immediately. And do his "ex" a favour by telling her what he's been up to too.

MysteryBelle · 22/02/2023 19:08

RUN. Don’t look back. He is not the one. He will never be the one.

Read the advice here by pp over and over again until the light begins to dawn.

Then, get your mind on something else. Onward and upward. Don’t allow even one tiny thought of this piece of garbage to darken the doorstep of your mind ever again.

Get it?

9outof10cats · 22/02/2023 19:13

Sleeping with his ex is a strange way of demonstrating that he loves you and wants a future with you. I wonder why he admitted to it.

If I were in your shoes, I am afraid the trust would be broken for me.

He has a child with this woman, so it is not as if he can promise never to see her again. How will you feel every time he sees his child, knowing he will also have to see the mother?

Not the mention; that fact he doesn't know why it happened. It happened because the opportunity arose, and he took it without considering how it would affect you.

FuckWasps · 22/02/2023 19:16

You would be utterly demented to consider doing anything other than cutting this man out of your life and never speaking to him again.

LIZS · 22/02/2023 19:25

Finish it. He will not stay loyal. Sounds like he took his chance and is more involved with her than just as mother of child. You will never be free of doubt each time they meet.

GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 22/02/2023 19:27

So he moved back with his parents when he split up with the mother of his child but when he was able to set himself up again with his own home he chose to stay in his parents' town rather than go back to where his kid lives. Why did he do that?

I agree with some of the PPs, there's a chance he's not actually split with her, just 'working away'.

I really feel for you. I've fallen for love bombing in the past and it's so easy to fall for it and so hard to leave whole and well. As well as an STI check, I would recommend changing your bank passwords, PINs,.etc if you think he might have had access to them. When I saw through the festering mountain of shite that got me he stole from me as a parting shot. Also consider some counselling, this type of behaviour leaves you feeling pretty bad now and for some time after.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 28/02/2023 12:02

YukoandHiro · 22/02/2023 19:00

"He told me he couldnt tell her about me because she would stop him from seeing their child. WHY would you sleep with a woman who is capable of doing this"

Get rid of this loser immediately. And do his "ex" a favour by telling her what he's been up to too.

OP, the tricky bit here, is you've been fed a narrative, for many months, so you have now taken it in as truth. Because most people, when they tell you things, aren't vile and lying, so you accept what they're saying.

What you need to do now is step back and re-programme the actual truth in your own head. When you say "WHY sleep with a woman who is capable of this" you need to re-wire to the truth that she never was that woman - that's the story he programmed you with. We can all see that easily. You can't because that's become ingrained as fact in your brain, naturally.

He just needed a story that meant he could cheat on two women for as long as possible. And that's the best he could come up with on the spot. He utilised the fact that you loved him, as easy to feed you any story and get away with it.

It's quite horrific to realise there are people like this in the world. Until you encounter one, you don't think people like this could exist, so you treat their excuses as true and valid, because you haven't been mistreated and played by anyone before. You found out fast. You'll know the red flags to look for next time.

I hope you've got rid of him. I know he'll be in begging phase and doing his best to keep his foot in the door, but truly, get rid and celebrate how you took the situation by the balls and saved your own life from being ruined xx

Drizzlepeacefully · 28/02/2023 12:07

He is making use of both of you OP

im sorry you are sad - it’s understandable, time to move on though before he makes you a lot more unhappy .

there are plenty of decent men out there and while you tie yourself to this one you won’t meet them

onwards and upwards !

Btjdkfnn · 28/02/2023 12:25

You are 9 months in. You should be in the honeymoon phase. But he is cheating on you already. If you stay with him, he will ruin your whole life. You will be miserable and won’t ever be able to trust him.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/06/2023 03:34

Unfortunately he's her boyfriend. Not yours. You're the OW. Thats why youre being kept a secret from her.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 09/06/2023 03:51

I’m sure he doesn’t have any intention of getting back with her, but she is easy sex for him, and she will always be easy sex for him.

That’s how he sees her, and he doesn’t care how it impacts on you.

He’s really not a nice person.

Better to find out not.

Onwards and upwards.

billyt · 09/06/2023 14:13

ZOMBIE!!!!!

Thistlelass · 10/06/2023 01:15

I see the only answer to this as being you are with him when he has time with his child. No visits to where she lives without you. His ex needs to get a clear message the two of you are together. I would find it difficult to deal with.

Guavafish1 · 10/06/2023 04:32

Sorry for you

His reasons don't make sense and I suspect that he's lying.

Dump him... the first year is suppose to be the best

Frogmila · 10/06/2023 08:06

He's a manipulative creep. Don't
Waste more time listening to his nonsense. Let him know he is chucked and work through the hurt yourself. This will happen again and again. He has used a variation of the 'crazy ex' line to keep you separate from another source of sex and attention and ego stoking. He has no self awareness, integrity, maturity or decency or he would be handling having a new relationship and a child with an ex very differently. He's inadequate. You can do a lot better.

Grumpusaurus · 10/06/2023 10:18

Being petty as feck at times, I would be tempted to tell him that you hooked up with an ex, since it obviously means nothing. Then I would obviously kick this two-timing shitgibbon to the curb!

piedbeauty · 10/06/2023 12:18

Teentaxidriver · 22/02/2023 15:45

Run for the hills. He is a liar and a manipulator. The child will always be in his life and so by association will the mother. THEY clearly have unfinished business. Save yourself further heartbreak.

Yep.

You deserve better than this shit.

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