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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend slept with his childs mother

97 replies

sillybillyaward · 22/02/2023 15:42

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months, and I fell for him hard. Things have been really good, he's told me I am the love of his life. We have spoken about us moving in. Basically things have been amazing.

He has a child with another woman, I was a bit iffy about this as I think it can cause drama. And it has. Recently she came to our town to do something as she lives a couple of hours away. He didnt tell me until the evening of that she and the child would be staying at his house to save money. I instantly thought it was dodgy, for not saying until I couldn't say anything as she would be on the streets.

I told him i was unhappy with this, he basically turned it around saying he's not kicking his child out on the streets so I felt bad. I didnt sleep the whole night and after 3 days of him acting so weird. He admitted they slept together that night, they weren't drunk, he doesnt know why it happened. I'm heartbroken, he keeps telling me it means nothing, he doesnt want to be with her. If he wanted to he would. he loves me and wants a future with me. I just dont know what to do. She will always be around and i'm scared this will happen again

OP posts:
Namechangeisneeded · 22/02/2023 16:21

sillybillyaward · 22/02/2023 16:16

I have been sooo stupid and gullible. He told me he couldnt tell her about me because she would stop him from seeing their child. WHY would you sleep with a woman who is capable of doing this

Pffft that’s a pile of horseshit too. Whether she knows or not is irrelevant. She’s not the one that cheated on you

Soakitup37 · 22/02/2023 16:22

sillybillyaward · 22/02/2023 16:16

I have been sooo stupid and gullible. He told me he couldnt tell her about me because she would stop him from seeing their child. WHY would you sleep with a woman who is capable of doing this

she didn’t say that - he did. He can tell you anything he likes as you’d never find out from her.

River82 · 22/02/2023 16:31

Dump him and go no contact. Block him on everything. Cut the loss at 9 months.

You don't have children together or live together. His ex can be an idiot and make the same mistake all over.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2023 16:42

You deserve better. Much much better. Please look after yourself, give yourself lots of self care and love.

bigbazooka · 22/02/2023 16:44

OP, please end this now whilst it's still fairly fresh and don't waste another second on this POS.

GoldDuster · 22/02/2023 16:50

If he can't keep his dick in his pants now, you've got no chance. He has lied and manipulated and he can even be arsed to pretend he is sorry.

This is the best it's going to get with this wase of space. Leave him and call it a lucky escape

perfectcolourfound · 22/02/2023 16:53

You're right... either she has threatened him he can no longer see his child if he dates someone else - and he chose to sleep with this controlling women, OR she didn't say that and he's lied to you, because he just doesn't want to tell her about you.

You say you had your suspicions before, so he's already given you reason to be suspicious. This has proved you were right. So it's probably been going on all along.

Even if this is the first time (unlikely) - it would be enough for me to end it. You can't trust him. Simple as that.

He knows you're concerned but didn't try to reassure you. In fact he responded to your concerns by sleeping with her.

He may be trying to make you jealous and insecure. Testing how far he can push you, and how badly he can get away with treating you. I beg you not to do the 'pick me' dance. Just calmly tell him that you don't want to be with someone you can't trust, you deserve so much better than that, and you don't want to see him again. Then block.

You deserve better.

Dartmoorcheffy · 22/02/2023 16:53

He is still with her. She knows nothing about you. Run.

Coxspurplepippin · 22/02/2023 16:57

'It meant nothing'

So, why did he do it?
Will every other time he has sex with someone who's not you also mean nothing?

Just leave, before it gets harder.

Ellie1015 · 22/02/2023 16:58

It doesn't really matter why he did it there is no excuse the trust is broken. She will always be in your lives if you are together it is impossible to move past it.

BreviloquentBastard · 22/02/2023 16:58

He doesn't love you.

Please, please leave him.

VictoriaBun · 22/02/2023 16:59

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months, and I fell for him hard

Your ex surely ?

3peassuit · 22/02/2023 17:03

There are better men out there. Throw this one back.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/02/2023 17:07

he doesnt know why it happened

Yeah, right. Snorting with laughter here that a grown man comes out with this stuff in all seriousness and expects you to say 'Oh OK darling, don't do it again.' Quite apart from anything else he's done, treating me as if I'm an utter dimwit would be an immediate binning offence.

Sorchamarie · 22/02/2023 17:11

I'm really sorry you're hurting but you would be extremely foolish to stay with this man now that he's shown you that his (love bombing) words mean so little. Believe his actions (that he has no qualms about having sex with another woman) not what he is claiming now. Highly likely he will cheat on you again (and again and again) if you stay with this man. You'll never be able to trust him whenever he visits his child. Save yourself years of pain and value yourself enough to break up with him!

CaveMum · 22/02/2023 17:12

“He doesn’t know why it happened.”

To paraphrase Toby Ziegler, did he trip? I mean he fancied a shag and put his penis in another woman. It’s not exactly rocket science.

Run, run now and be thankful you haven’t ended up wasting the best years of your life on this loser.

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 17:59

Ex boyfriend surely. If not dump immediately.

Naunet · 22/02/2023 18:01

Why do men say it meant nothing? That makes it worse, not better, he risked your relationship for something that means nothing to him?? I’m sorry OP, you know what you have to do. Wishing you strength. X

OliverBabish · 22/02/2023 18:03

Blimey. I’m sorry this is happened to you OP but the signs that something wasn’t right were there.

Shapemyeyebrows · 22/02/2023 18:10

@sillybillyaward he’s shown you who he is so why would you even consider staying with him? You don’t deserve what he’s done to you but going forward you have to take responsibility for your own life. You will NEVER be happy with this guy as he will always have that tie to his ex. It’s a double whammy. If you stay with him now then you are sadly the author of your own future heartache.

Shadesofscarlett · 22/02/2023 18:12

he didn't tell her about you cos she prob thinks they are still together. Don't believe his lies about her stopping him seeing his kid! Blame him for this, not her.

You need to find your dignity and get rid - oh and book an STI test.

mumyes · 22/02/2023 18:12

LilLilLi · 22/02/2023 15:47

Run.

I mean it, it will hurt but nothing compared to the pain you will feel if you waste years of your time on this man. They have a child and history, they had sex completely sober. No matter what he SAYS, it’s not over.

This with ducking bells on! RUN AWAY.

Dery · 22/02/2023 18:14

Well - if it meant nothing, why did he do it? Anyway - it’s not his call whether him sleeping with another woman means nothing. It’s for you - as the cheated on party - to decide what it means for your relationship. As a PP said, if he can do this to you during the honeymoon period, he can do it any time. He saw a chance for easy sex and he took it. So you can’t trust him. Sorry you’re going through this, OP.

Zanatdy · 22/02/2023 18:15

I’m sorry OP, what a shit. He knew you were feeling anxious as his ex was staying the night (and who wouldn’t feel anxious about that situation, especially when you know ex doesn’t know about you) and he did it anyway. It must hurt a lot but he can’t fix this. He can’t say I’ll block her on all forms of social media and never see her again. He needs to see her frequently and you’ll never trust him and it will ruin the relationship anyway. Better to cut your losses now and leave with your head held high. What an arse, sending you an unmumsnet hug, look after yourself

Suzi9989 · 22/02/2023 18:17

Please respect your gut and instinct.
He betrayed your trust and will happen again if you stay with this man