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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband, cocaine and "swearing on the children's lives"

54 replies

Waffle23 · 22/02/2023 13:07

The past year has been a nightmare - in Spring 2022 Husband admitted that he had a cocaine addiction after I discovered (accidentally) that he had been lying to me about his income.

At the time, I hit the roof and told him to leave, but he won me back round with promises to change, telling me his addiction began during lockdown and depression regarding a health condition he has, but he would stop if it meant losing me and our 2 young daughters. I relented as I didn't want to break our family up.

Fastforward to Winter 2022 and he was clearly using again, late nights, sleeping all day, comedowns, money disappearing. He admitted to me that he was using 'occasionally' to take the edge off his seasonal depression, but his behaviour suggested it was more like twice a week at least.

His friend slipped up one day and mentioned that my Husband owed him more money than I thought (due to 'old' coke debt - I was aware of this debt but neither he or Husband would disclose the actual amount owed) I then learnt it was around £2k.

When I questioned his friend further (Husband wasnt present when I did this) he said Husband had recently paid £600 towards said debt from recent temporary work. I realised my Husband must have lied to me about his earnings again, as he told me that he had only earnt £350 from said work.

I confronted him, he denied this and swore "on my life, your life and our kids lives I only earnt £350 from that job" I asked him to show me his bank statement for proof and he became annoyed, saying he wasn't going to show me "on principle" and "do you really think I'd swear on your lives if I was lying?!"

I said that I appreciated he wouldn't feel great about me questioning him, but I needed to see proof in order to build my trust back up and it shouldnt be an issue if he had nothing to hide. He continued to say no and that he shouldn't have to. Followed by "if this is how it's going to be from now on I don't think I can deal with this" and gave me the silent treatment for 2 days.

I know addicts lie , but I just cannot get over the fact he would swear on our children's lives.

It seems so obvious written down that he's lying - but when im face to face with him, he's so sincere he could convince me that the sky was green!

I've become obsessed with wishing I could see the bank statement so I could know the truth for sure, that he's sank as low as to swear on our kids lives - he adores them. However, the fact he refuses to show me should be all the evidence I need...

OP posts:

NewlyDiabeticMum · 22/02/2023 13:11

You know the truth, stop focusing on the bank statement. Decide if you want to live with someone with a cocaine addiction who is stealing money from your family. Why build trust back up? It will happen again, and again.

Coraline353 · 22/02/2023 13:12

So sorry to hear you're going through this.

In a way, the evidence and the bank statement is academic. You don't trust him and he's an addict. That's an unsustainable way to live.

You can't fix or control him so all that matters now is what you can do and what you want to do. I'm sure someone else can signpost resources but get yourself support from an organization which supports familiar of addicts and go from there. You need what's in your control to be the focus now. 💐

BreviloquentBastard · 22/02/2023 13:20

I've heard an addict swear on the life of his newborn baby. They'll swear on anything to get their way and continue using and lying.

I'm sorry OP, addiction I'd do hard, but only he can sort himself out and you shouldn't set yourself (and your children) on fire to keep him warm while he does so.

You need to be able to trust him and you don't, and he's currently not interested in doing the necessary work to forge that trust. It's sad but I think best for you and your children to end this now. It might be the rock bottom he needs to get help, it might not, but either way it's not your problem to fix unfortunately.

flutterbyebaby · 22/02/2023 13:22

So what happens when the threats from dealers start arriving because he owes them?

Choconut · 22/02/2023 13:27

If the bank statement proved what he was saying was true then he'd be chomping at the bit to show you it and prove that you were wrong. You don't need to see it to know the truth, the fact he won't show you tells you everything.

Spending your time wishing you could see it, and telling yourself you'd kick him out if you had that proof is just a way for you to make excuses as to why you haven't ended this already. He's a drug addict and will lie and lie and lie, he'll make you doubt yourself, second guess yourself and your self esteem will get lower and lower and lower. You're married so his debts are your debts, he's just dragging you and the kids down with him. Don't let the debts spiral, you'll never know what they are as he'll lie, you'll never have any money, call it a day and get out before things get any worse.

Giggorata · 22/02/2023 13:29

Anyone who swears on someone's life is automatically suspect, as far as I'm concerned.

TheABC · 22/02/2023 13:36

Take a look at wearewithyou and Narcotics Anonymous for family support. Women's Aid might be worth checking out as well - they deal with emotional as well as financial and physical abuse.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 22/02/2023 13:42

You know he is deceitful.

Swearing on people's lives has zero effect on anything. None of you will die if he is lying!
He has no respect for you /your marriage the stability of your dc's lives..
Get rid today op.
His addiction isn't your problem to fix. But ask cms to act fast.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 22/02/2023 13:42

Liars lie. It’s what they do.

Original poster

Waffle23 · 22/02/2023 14:56

BreviloquentBastard · 22/02/2023 13:20

I've heard an addict swear on the life of his newborn baby. They'll swear on anything to get their way and continue using and lying.

I'm sorry OP, addiction I'd do hard, but only he can sort himself out and you shouldn't set yourself (and your children) on fire to keep him warm while he does so.

Thankyou so much for all the replies so far.

Breviloquent Bastard, as you say,
he isn't interested in earning my trust - irrelevant of what the truth is, he's suggesting that his "principles" come before reassuring me.

I have to stop assuming that he holds the same morals as me. I wouldn't dream of swearing on our children's lives - out of respect to them and superstition!

OP posts:

firstmummy2019 · 22/02/2023 15:45

I would say that anyone who would swear on their children's lives is in fact lying. Normal functioning , truthful people just don't say those things.

SpringleDingle · 22/02/2023 16:17

Nothing happens when you swear on someones life and are lying. He's lying. He is CLEARLY lying. You know he is lying. He knows you know. I don't know what you want us to say. He is a liar and he is lying.

BillyNighysWife · 22/02/2023 16:26

Swearing on someone’s life sounds like something a teenager would say, or something from a scene in East Enders. It has no meaning at all and it’s histrionic.

Nobody mature or trustworthy speaks like that and I don’t understand why you think it’s meaningful.

Gwen82 · 22/02/2023 16:29

Of all the things to focus on, his choice of expression is not a priority OP.

He is a shit show and every day that this is the family dynamic your children are forced to endure is a day too many

Gwen82 · 22/02/2023 16:30

I relented as I didn't want to break our family up.

Your interpretation of a “family” is very different to mine

Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 16:31

You're focussing on one phrase.

The issue is, he's a liar, and you know that. No trust (and there can't be), no relationship.

picklemewalnuts · 22/02/2023 16:33

I don't think I could stay with someone who said that, despite anything else. It's the kind of thing people say when their word isn't reliable. It basically says, I'm such a liar. that no one can believe what I say.

bigbazooka · 22/02/2023 16:39

Op, I think you're focused on the wrong thing here...

thunderouslug · 22/02/2023 16:50

I am the child of an alcoholic. My mother also didn't want to break up for the family's sake. I always wish she had. All we had was instability and constant cycles of hope and broken promises. He'd go to AA and rehab. Again and again. He lied a lot. About the reasons for his drinking, finances, other women. I only found out after those things after he died. I was a teenager at the time and we were left with unsettled debts and lifelong trauma. Until I became older and started to understand addiction more, I often wondered why he didn't love me enough to stop. It really did a number on my self-worth for a long time and I felt that I had punish myself for not being enough. Imagine your children had heard their father swearing on their lives that he wasn't lying. And then it turns out he was and he hasn't gotten better because that's unfortunately often the reality of addiction. You know this isn't a healthy environment. One stable parent is so much more important than the chaos and insecurity that comes from living with an addict.

Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 16:53

@thunderouslug

Similar background here, just wanted to post in solidarity and second every word you said.

Freedom2023 · 22/02/2023 16:58

OP I am so so sorry you are going through this.
I am 12 months out after leaving my husband under the same circumstances.
Prior to me finding out, I had never once in 15 years seen him take cocaine. Once I found out, I was fed the same story as you.
Drip by drip it all came out 1k debt ...500 pound debt...2k debt etc etc.
He will lie and lie and lie again, he will gaslight you until your whole reality is distorted.
You do not know this man like you think you do. He is lying to you on a daily basis. All the good days and good times you have are not real. They are underpinned by lies.
I remember once being so hung up on seeing a bank statement and thought that if I could just see it and know he hadn't lied, then everything would be OK. The reality is that you already know (as I did) that he's lying, but you want to believe that he's not.
You love him, he's your husband and you'd do anything for him (as I would have done) but he cannot even do the basics of reassuring you...because he's lying.
I was in complete denial and genuinely thought I could help and support him through it. Please do not make the same mistake I did. I wasted 2 years of trying to help him and it almost broke me.
The thought of ending my marriage was absolutely devastating and I won't lie and say the past 12 months have been easy but I'll tell you something. They were nothing compared to the life you'll be living if you continue in this marriage.

Justmeandthedog1 · 22/02/2023 17:00

firstmummy2019 · 22/02/2023 15:45

I would say that anyone who would swear on their children's lives is in fact lying. Normal functioning , truthful people just don't say those things.

This. It’s a flamboyant, shouty way to shut you down.
Heard this so many times and every time they’ve been lying.
Kick him out, do you want your children growing up around drugs?

verdantverdure · 22/02/2023 17:05

Think of it the other way round.

He could prove it to you and erase all stress and doubt by showing you that £350 payment on the bank statement.

The fact that he hasn't done that is enough evidence that he's lying I think.

saraclara · 22/02/2023 17:22

Giggorata · 22/02/2023 13:29

Anyone who swears on someone's life is automatically suspect, as far as I'm concerned.

Yep. I assume someone's lying if they say that. And even if they're not, I think it's a terrible phrase that implies that someone's life is to be bargained with.

It might be unreasonable of me, but when I hear anyone use it, whether to me or to anyone else, I know that they're not someone I want to have anything to do with.

Tratjymp · 22/02/2023 17:25

Giggorata · 22/02/2023 13:29

Anyone who swears on someone's life is automatically suspect, as far as I'm concerned.

Always, in my experience.

"On my kiddie's life if this is a lie!" Here comes the lie.

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