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Original poster

Husband, cocaine and "swearing on the children's lives"

54 replies

Waffle23 · 22/02/2023 13:07

The past year has been a nightmare - in Spring 2022 Husband admitted that he had a cocaine addiction after I discovered (accidentally) that he had been lying to me about his income.

At the time, I hit the roof and told him to leave, but he won me back round with promises to change, telling me his addiction began during lockdown and depression regarding a health condition he has, but he would stop if it meant losing me and our 2 young daughters. I relented as I didn't want to break our family up.

Fastforward to Winter 2022 and he was clearly using again, late nights, sleeping all day, comedowns, money disappearing. He admitted to me that he was using 'occasionally' to take the edge off his seasonal depression, but his behaviour suggested it was more like twice a week at least.

His friend slipped up one day and mentioned that my Husband owed him more money than I thought (due to 'old' coke debt - I was aware of this debt but neither he or Husband would disclose the actual amount owed) I then learnt it was around £2k.

When I questioned his friend further (Husband wasnt present when I did this) he said Husband had recently paid £600 towards said debt from recent temporary work. I realised my Husband must have lied to me about his earnings again, as he told me that he had only earnt £350 from said work.

I confronted him, he denied this and swore "on my life, your life and our kids lives I only earnt £350 from that job" I asked him to show me his bank statement for proof and he became annoyed, saying he wasn't going to show me "on principle" and "do you really think I'd swear on your lives if I was lying?!"

I said that I appreciated he wouldn't feel great about me questioning him, but I needed to see proof in order to build my trust back up and it shouldnt be an issue if he had nothing to hide. He continued to say no and that he shouldn't have to. Followed by "if this is how it's going to be from now on I don't think I can deal with this" and gave me the silent treatment for 2 days.

I know addicts lie , but I just cannot get over the fact he would swear on our children's lives.

It seems so obvious written down that he's lying - but when im face to face with him, he's so sincere he could convince me that the sky was green!

I've become obsessed with wishing I could see the bank statement so I could know the truth for sure, that he's sank as low as to swear on our kids lives - he adores them. However, the fact he refuses to show me should be all the evidence I need...

OP posts:
Gapo · 22/02/2023 17:26

You gave him a chance and he fucked it up. Why are you still there?

Gapo · 22/02/2023 17:27

Or why is her still there I should have said?

NewUserName2023 · 22/02/2023 17:58

NOT showing you the statement and sulking to try to make you feel guilty for even asking tells you everything you need to know about him. Swearing on your kids lives is straight out of Eastenders and just compounds the lie.
Line up your ducks.

JoonT · 22/02/2023 18:26

I am very sorry OP. (I’m also kind of sorry for your partner, who has f’d up his life). He nearly lost his family. Most men would have thought “well, that was close. I nearly lost everything. No matter what, never, never again.” But he did.

He’s either stupid, or selfish, or sick. Whatever the reason, he will do it again, you can be sure of that, no matter what promises he makes.

Aurorabored · 22/02/2023 18:33

Giggorata · 22/02/2023 13:29

Anyone who swears on someone's life is automatically suspect, as far as I'm concerned.

This ^ It’s a red flag in itself. Addicts lie. To themselves and to everyone else.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Something like Nar-Anon might help you. It’s the drug equivalent of Al-Non. It’s there for the family and friends of addicts. It might help you to see things more clearly.

Aurorabored · 22/02/2023 18:35

Al-anon

beenherebeforenow · 22/02/2023 18:44

Namechanged just to post here.

I was exactly where you are a few years ago.

I insisted on drugs testing (both urine and hair tests).

The hair test showed me he had a severe addiction.

He swore on our unborn baby's life. He lied about money and had taken out bank loans in my name. Even going so far as to stealing my bank card and taking out cash. I reported to police. They sent me a photo from cctv showing it was him.

I knew my DH is a good man going through a difficult time but I also knew I could no longer support him or fix the problem.

I left. With our newborn.

We were separated almost a year but it gave him a chance to figure things out for himself and he's been clean a while and turned things around for himself.

I'm not really sure what advice to offer. Suffice to say he won't change just because you want him to. He needs to hit rock bottom first.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk x

HoodieBell · 22/02/2023 21:09

I don't get the swearing on lives thing, it's meaningless. Tell him either he shows you the statement or he leaves.

Tottenhaminmyblood · 22/02/2023 21:20

I had this , I had no clue my ex had a severe cocaine addiction . I’d never tried it or moved in them circles so naive of me . He stole from me , my dads bank card went missing and we see the cctv , he stole my dads bike , my car had a drugs marker on it and so much more but the final straw was when my mum and dads car was stopped outside my house and told if he didn’t pay up that 8 men were on the way to rape me and my mum . You will never get the truth and I hope that you find your strength and leave him . Your children deserve better and so do you . Sending love x

kenne · 22/02/2023 21:30

Has he participated in any kind of rehab programme? Is he receiving counselling for whatever issues led him to substance abuse in the first place? If not, I doubt there can be any meaningful change.

I would take advice from the organisations suggested by PP and look to separate until he sorts himself out, to protect the children.

But I'd want to be sure that he wouldn't have unsupervised access to the children, so that's why I say take advice.

He could overcome this, but it will take enormous will and effort and change from him. It's not as simple as just saying " I've quit."

DosCervezas · 22/02/2023 21:31

Telling lies upon lies is a very common behaviour of cocaine users and one of the hardest parts to accept when you thought you were in a relationship based on trust and honesty. They often become a completely different person who are difficult to recognise. It can be like losing the person you knew and the person they become can be very unpleasant. For these reasons it can unfortunately be very difficult to maintain a functional relationship with the type of person you're describing.

Moser85 · 22/02/2023 21:34

It seems so obvious written down that he's lying - but when im face to face with him, he's so sincere he could convince me that the sky was green!

Yes addicts are AMAZING liars! I think it's a combination of things, desperate to get away with the lies, desperate to not have to deal with their addiction, and also they tell themselves their addiction is harmless and you're just making a big deal out of it for no reason so it's fine to lie!

he isn't interested in earning my trust - irrelevant of what the truth is, he's suggesting that his "principles" come before reassuring me.

Also this! Many addicts I know develop deeply narcissistic personality changes and become incredibly arrogant. They appear to be genuinely offended and outraged by any criticism for their drug use or lying behaviour and the idea that they should have to somehow prove themselves to others, how dare you even suggest it.

Also I'm aware that people throw the narcissist label out a lot but there is scientific evidence to support this, more narcissistic traits, less empathy etc.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/02/2023 21:34

I have never met anybody who chose to swear on theirs/their children's/mother's lives/may God strike them down if they tell a lie that isn't lying to your face as they say it. So much so that I see it as the ultimate indicator and proof that they are, in fact, a lying cunt (if an adult) and clearly lying to get themselves out of trouble if they are a child.

You don't need to see evidence or proof or even have a confession - he is telling you loud and clear that he is, yet again, lying to you.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/02/2023 21:50

Swearing on someone's life is the hallmark of a liar. People who aren't liars don't find it necessary to talk like that.
But you know already that he is a liar, has lied about his debt, his earnings, his health, his drug use and his commitment to your family. The actual words he's used are neither here nor there, he is a drug using debt ridden liar, and yes you should get rid. It's not going to get any better.

Nandocushion · 22/02/2023 22:36

BillyNighysWife · 22/02/2023 16:26

Swearing on someone’s life sounds like something a teenager would say, or something from a scene in East Enders. It has no meaning at all and it’s histrionic.

Nobody mature or trustworthy speaks like that and I don’t understand why you think it’s meaningful.

Yes this. Adults don't talk like this, and nothing will happen to your children whether he's telling the truth or not. Why focus on this and not on the lying, the addiction and the debt? Because that's what will actually affect your children.

bluetakkis · 22/02/2023 22:42

The fact that he won't show toy makes it clear to me, from my 17 years experience of this shit, that he is protecting his ability to do it again. When addicts are truly ready to say goodbye to their weakness for good, they'll lay it all on the table. If he's not still doing coke, he's not made peace with never doing it again. I'm now mopping up the pieces of my teenagers world being shattered by a lying addict like this one. Run now and save yourself years of anxiety and misery. Wish someone made me do this 15 years ago.

Lochjeda · 22/02/2023 22:45

Male him start listening to the podcast "menace to sobriety". Fantastic podcast for cocaine addiction. You can lead a horse to the water but you can't make it drink. You need to decide how long and how much you are willing to put up with, as he won't change until he is ready to. He will lie to you and sink to the lowest lows - even looking you straight in the eye and swearing on your life because that's what addicts do. They lie and steal and deceive, nothing else matters more than getting a bag.

2crossedout1 · 23/02/2023 03:09

You know he is lying to you OP. The evidence is that his mate has inadvertently told you, and that he refuses to show you the bank statement. You know that he has lied to you many, many times in the past - about his income, about his debts, about his addiction. You are married to someone who is addicted to cocaine, who is dishonest and untrustworthy, who is so far in denial that he would rather make grand promises and punish you by sulking for two days when he knows you have done nothing wrong than admit he has lied (again). You gave him a chance OP, but he's blown it.

CheekyHobson · 23/02/2023 03:54

Anyone who swears on someone's life is automatically suspect, as far as I'm concerned.

Exactly. What is it even meant to mean? If they're lying, then the person who they name will die? Who's going to kill them? I bet if they swore on their own life they wouldn't kill themselves if they were proven a liar.

It's a meaningless turn of phrase employed by liars and addicts looking for credibility founded on nothing more than sentiment.

Just tell him he doesn't need to swear on anything dramatic, he can just show you his bank account and it'll all be there in black and white for you. Easy.

WidthofaLine · 23/02/2023 04:22

Listen to the song 'Jack of Speed' by Steely Dan

And take the advice offered.

TheClitterati · 23/02/2023 04:42

firstmummy2019 · 22/02/2023 15:45

I would say that anyone who would swear on their children's lives is in fact lying. Normal functioning , truthful people just don't say those things.

This.

I believe the only people who swear on loved ones lives are 100% lying and manipulating

AgentJohnson · 23/02/2023 05:24

This twat wouldn’t know a principle if it came smacked him in the head.

Focussing on the bank statement is distraction, you know he’s lying.

rainbowstardrops · 23/02/2023 08:36

Surely if he's telling the truth, he'd be bending over backwards to prove it to you but you know that.
Is this the role model that you want your children to aspire to?

Ofcourseshecan · 23/02/2023 08:45

OP, please read @Tottenhaminmyblood’s post and leave him before he puts your and DC’s lives in danger. Also, the longer you delay divorcing him, the bigger the shared debts you’ll have to pay.

Gwen82 · 23/02/2023 10:19

Sadly, I suspect this Op won’t make any changes whatsoever

after she loves him so much. “A stupid amount” infact.

Sounds like a true love story OP 🙄