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Original poster

Expensive hobby

51 replies

Starlightblue · 21/02/2023 12:03

NC for this. Quite a long one, sorry!

Following seeing a post yesterday, it got me thinking of DP’s expensive hobby.

For a bit of background, DP supports a sports team which is not local to us. He travels to watch them play around once per month, sometimes more (this month it’s 3 times). Between the ticket cost, fuel and food he usually spends around £150. However this month he has stayed in a hotel twice the night before the game.

We do not share finances however we do have joint finances for household bills etc. He uses his disposable income to pay for his hobby and isn’t left with much to save at the end of the month. I save around £400-£500 a month, I have always been a saver.

We’ve recently got a dog so this means when he is away I am looking after the puppy all day (who is too young to be left for long period of time) and this restricts what I can do with my time.

It got me thinking about the future and when we have kids. I said to him that chances are he won’t be able to afford to do this as often when we have kids, plus I’m not so keen on being left with a dog and baby all day while he’s away enjoying his hobby. Also, it’s quite restrictive as if he is not at the game, he will NEVER miss a game on the tv.

DP justifies spending this amount of money as he gave up drinking a number of years ago. There is also the very odd occasion where he will miss watching the football for an occasion.

I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this going forward? I knew that he was sports mad when I met him so I guess I knew what I was signing up to, however if we have kids I certainly don’t want things to carry on as they are so I would rather put boundaries in place now

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/02/2023 12:33

What did he say when you said that to him? Assuming you can also have day out or night away when he looks after the puppy then I don’t really see the issue

OhNoNotThatAgain · 21/02/2023 12:37

This is not so much about the money, but about the time commitment. It is currently a lifestyle choice. People do have to adapt their lifestyles when they have children, so would he be prepared to do that or not?

If the answer is no, then you have some decision-making to do.

mummymeister · 21/02/2023 12:50

people have no real idea how massively and radically having a child changes your life. what concerns me about your post is that his life wont change radically because he will just go off like he does now and leave you in sole charge of the child. if you are saving 4-500 a month and he is saving nothing does that mean when you spend the savings they all go on something just for you or are the savings jointly spent. if this is the case then you need to say to him that both of you need to save an equal amount (or proportionate to your salaries) otherwise you most definately arent both contributed the same amount to the household because you have forgotten to factor in the savings. Assuming he is something like a football supporter and goes to the game on a saturday why dont you then leave him with the dog for the same amount of time on the sunday and go off on your own and do something. you are absolutely right. he wont change one bit when children come along unless you make it clear to him that his hobby doesnt get to control your life as well.

hekissedmybottom · 21/02/2023 12:53

Some people change radically when they have a child, I did. I became very responsible.

Some people don't, my ex didn't, he carried on getting drunk and being a twat.

You haven't really signed up for anything with him. When you have kids you have.

The person you have kids with needs to be on the same page as you around finances and childcare philosophy, housework etc. You need to sort it all out and it all needs to be in alignment if you want a pleasant child rearing experience.

You can't mess about with things like this.

Original poster
Starlightblue · 21/02/2023 13:00

Thanks everyone.

I’m not sure he realises how much life will change when we have a baby. He’s always very encouraging for me to do my hobbies but my hobbies take a couple of hours here and there and cost little money.

I definitely want to set some boundaries in place before having children because I don’t want to end up being the one who looks after the baby and the dog all day Monday to Friday whilst on mat leave then he swans off to his hobby for 16 hours on a Saturday.

He plays sport twice a week during the week as well which I don’t have a problem with. He says all the right things such as ‘I know I can’t do my hobby as much when we have kids’ but I’m not 100% sure if he means it.

I’ll make it clear that when we have a baby, it can’t just be my life that changes. His will need to change too

OP posts:
Original poster
Starlightblue · 21/02/2023 13:02

mummymeister · 21/02/2023 12:50

people have no real idea how massively and radically having a child changes your life. what concerns me about your post is that his life wont change radically because he will just go off like he does now and leave you in sole charge of the child. if you are saving 4-500 a month and he is saving nothing does that mean when you spend the savings they all go on something just for you or are the savings jointly spent. if this is the case then you need to say to him that both of you need to save an equal amount (or proportionate to your salaries) otherwise you most definately arent both contributed the same amount to the household because you have forgotten to factor in the savings. Assuming he is something like a football supporter and goes to the game on a saturday why dont you then leave him with the dog for the same amount of time on the sunday and go off on your own and do something. you are absolutely right. he wont change one bit when children come along unless you make it clear to him that his hobby doesnt get to control your life as well.

I think you’re spot on here and I like your wording of it that his hobby doesn’t get to control my life as well!

OP posts:
hekissedmybottom · 21/02/2023 13:10

"He says all the right things such as ‘I know I can’t do my hobby as much when we have kids’ but I’m not 100% sure if he means it."

Honestly end it because just don't have kids with someone you can't rely on.

Being able to rely on someone means you know for a fact they mean what they say.

FlowerPows · 21/02/2023 19:16

DH was in a cricket and hockey team when we first met, I was in a hockey team. Both of us even before we had DS just couldn’t give the time due to our careers so both dropped our sports. We also both liked to game on consoles, again had to take a back seat.

He is ok as a BF but I wouldn’t want a kid with a DH who didn’t save money and who was away so often. You need to talk about it now before you go any deeper in to this relationship, do nit get PG.

Fidgety31 · 21/02/2023 20:34

You sound like his parent who wants to give him rules on how he can spend his time .
It will never work . He will either do it willingly or you will spend your life being the nagging wife with a bloke who carries on regardless .
it’s not worth the agro.

SquishyGloopyBum · 22/02/2023 05:36

He's showing you who he is and what's important.

Don't have a baby with him in the hope he will change. He won't. You see it on here all the time with the female saying 'I thought he would change when the baby came along'

I bet you thought he would change when you got the puppy too? That's not worked out has it?

Don't have a baby with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/02/2023 05:40

He might change or he might not. My friend's DP didn't and his name isn't on their house because he's useless with money and doenst really contribute financially or in terms of housework.

Speaking of... who cooks and cleans and dusts and Hoovers?

maybeinanoter86 · 22/02/2023 05:48

Not a Tottenham supporter by any chance is he ? My partner is the same ! Pisses me off considering I can't spend but he can

Paq · 22/02/2023 05:51

I think the fact that he just leaves you with the dog speaks volumes.

Try organising something for one of his hobby days so he has to miss it and see what reaction you get.

greenspaces4peace · 22/02/2023 05:53

I think the issues need to be untangled; financial, time, joint interests.
you’ve not mentioned his age but the older he is, the more ingrained his interests and the less likely he is to change.

DivorcingEU · 22/02/2023 05:57

From what you've said, I wouldn't have a baby with him.

Men can say whatever they want when it comes to babies and their time. But in reality they can just carry on as they were before becoming a father, leaving the baby with the mother. And there's little you can do about it because you're not going to leave the baby/child alone.

The idea of setting boundaries is good and that you, for instance, disappear on the Sunday, but in reality very few women actually do that. It would also have to be more often than that. Because what happens is you're home all day on maternity leave (which sounds like a holiday) while he's "at work". He comes home and thinks he's "home from work" and gets to wind down. And she does all evening work with the baby. You literally would need to meet him at the door with the baby when he arrives home a few days a week and go to the gym yourself. And take your time.

In reality, most women what to try to make things work for the child(ren), don't want to break up when they have a baby, so suck up a lot of bad behaviour and these men carry on as they want. And there's absolutely nothing stopping them. Nothing. It's unfair, but that's the reality.

Some men take their responsibilities as fathers, but the reality is that nobody and nothing stops them from not.

It's unlikely he will change much. Most people don't. So this is exactly who you'd be having a baby with. If you don't want to have a baby with a man who behaves like this, then there's your answer.

Also re saving. When you're on the lowered income of mat leave, or need to buy baby things that get expensive and need to dip into savings, will he be reimbursing you? Or will you be expected to cover those things alone because he has no money after going to the footie?

Ragwort · 22/02/2023 06:06

I agree that the fact that he goes away and leaves you with the full responsibility of looking after the puppy makes it clear where his priorities lie. Who's decision was it to get a puppy? Don't have DC with him and just assume he will give up his hobby.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/02/2023 06:08

What would happen if you went away for a weekend without him ? Has he ever encouraged you to do so? Does he say thinks like “oh you looked after Spot all last weekend, I’ll do it this weekend to give you a break” or show any appreciation that he can only have a puppy plus follow his team because of you??
What happens with the men in your friend group who are also sports mad when they have children?

The puppy is a good test. If he’s not aware enough to try and share things equally now then he sure as hell won’t if you have DC.
Can I also say well done for you for thinking about this now and being prepared to walk or not have DC rather than saddle them and yourself with a useless dad

Temporaryname158 · 22/02/2023 06:12

How will he afford his half of the childcare if all his money is spent on his hobby.

I married someone like this and not a thing changed when we had children. The mid week hobby might not bother you now, it never did me when I was also able to go to the gym/meet friends etc but when you work all day, look after the baby alone most of the weekend and alone again several evenings a week whilst he does this your feelings will soon change.

how does he react if a family event/something important to you happens on a hobby day. Does he miss it for you or does what you want have to be worked around it?

in my case it was the latter. I spent the afternoon of our 1 st wedding anniversary alone in the posh hotel we got married in, as he was playing football. He wouldn’t even miss a week to spend the afternoon with me before we stayed the night at the hotel. I should have divorced him then instead of the 8 years later I did.

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 22/02/2023 06:15

whilst I agree with everything that’s been written about him potentially not changing, I have a slightly alternative view. Let’s say his sport is watching football. This is something he can do WITH a child once they’re old enough so the problem is possibly only short term.

example: My DH likes to ski on the weekends. Until DS was about three he did need to compromise on how often he went but now that DS is 4 and is skiing well they go together at least two weekend days a month and I get those days to spend alone in peace doing my hobby, it’s bliss!!!! Maybe there is a conversation to be had about a short terms compromise for both of you (I.e. he reduces but doesn’t stop entirely) before he then takes your future child along with him. Of course if you decide to have 5 kids the compromise period extends! 😂

Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 06:23

I’ll make it clear that when we have a baby, it can’t just be my life that changes. His will need to change too

Wouldn't it be better to have a baby with someone you didn't feel you had to say this to? He sounds about 12. Adults don't think that you can have a baby and carry on going away several times a month, leaving their partner to do all the work at home.

What would happen now if you 'made it clear' that you didn't want him to go away any more? Would he stop? Why do you think that you 'making something clear' to him will change his behaviour? He does what he wants, and then justifies it with illogical arguments. You've already learned that.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 22/02/2023 06:29

Why did you get a puppy with a man who isn't equally invested and prepared to pull his weight?

And why when he has shown you what he is like with a dog would you consider having a baby with him?

Do not get pregnant unless you are happy raising a child in this way.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 22/02/2023 06:36

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 22/02/2023 06:15

whilst I agree with everything that’s been written about him potentially not changing, I have a slightly alternative view. Let’s say his sport is watching football. This is something he can do WITH a child once they’re old enough so the problem is possibly only short term.

example: My DH likes to ski on the weekends. Until DS was about three he did need to compromise on how often he went but now that DS is 4 and is skiing well they go together at least two weekend days a month and I get those days to spend alone in peace doing my hobby, it’s bliss!!!! Maybe there is a conversation to be had about a short terms compromise for both of you (I.e. he reduces but doesn’t stop entirely) before he then takes your future child along with him. Of course if you decide to have 5 kids the compromise period extends! 😂

That's all well and good if the child enjoys the football and they can afford for the child to go too.

It isn't fair for a child to be dragged along if they don't enjoy the hobby.

I do an expensive and time consuming hobby. Lots of women think that it will only be a couple of years of compromise and then the child can join in. It works for some but for plenty they are left trying to manage their hobby around a miserable child and then dash off to what the child wants to do, or they are under pressure to be home because husband and child are waiting, or they end up giving up until the child grows up.

CaptainMum · 22/02/2023 06:42

Another question- have you a mortgage together? What are you saving for and has he any savings? I can see some day your savings are used for a joint house deposit/ family holiday/ childcare etc while he's been able to live without financial responsibility knowing you're sensible. How many years has this been going on?

Codlingmoths · 22/02/2023 06:43

I don’t think you should pick a Sunday to go out. You should pick a weekend there’s a game he’d go to and plan to go to a friends and stay one night, and tell him not ask him. Then say he will have to look after the dog. You need to start training him that you get equal priority in the relationship- it is not the case that you need to fit your social life into the 20% of remaining available weekend time. He needs to understand his wishes can’t always come first, if there’s a responsibility like a dog that can’t be left then he has to share some of that and that involves sacrifices and it will be much much easier if he understands that before there’s a baby!!

when we were first going out my Dh played football. He thought that meant that 60% of the year the priority on a weekend was football. When I wanted to go away and he wanted to push it out 5 months I asked so does that mean we can’t have a weekend away EXCEPT during October to February? Your team mates take holidays. This won’t work for me, my life is not going to revolve around football and I don’t think a weekend away with your girlfriend is too much to ask, nor is several weekends away. He realised that he actually did want to be in a relationship with me even if it wasn’t just going to be solely on his terms 🤯🤯.

lightlypoached · 22/02/2023 06:58

Codlingmoths · 22/02/2023 06:43

I don’t think you should pick a Sunday to go out. You should pick a weekend there’s a game he’d go to and plan to go to a friends and stay one night, and tell him not ask him. Then say he will have to look after the dog. You need to start training him that you get equal priority in the relationship- it is not the case that you need to fit your social life into the 20% of remaining available weekend time. He needs to understand his wishes can’t always come first, if there’s a responsibility like a dog that can’t be left then he has to share some of that and that involves sacrifices and it will be much much easier if he understands that before there’s a baby!!

when we were first going out my Dh played football. He thought that meant that 60% of the year the priority on a weekend was football. When I wanted to go away and he wanted to push it out 5 months I asked so does that mean we can’t have a weekend away EXCEPT during October to February? Your team mates take holidays. This won’t work for me, my life is not going to revolve around football and I don’t think a weekend away with your girlfriend is too much to ask, nor is several weekends away. He realised that he actually did want to be in a relationship with me even if it wasn’t just going to be solely on his terms 🤯🤯.

Yes, what you said.