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Original poster

Expensive hobby

51 replies

Starlightblue · 21/02/2023 12:03

NC for this. Quite a long one, sorry!

Following seeing a post yesterday, it got me thinking of DP’s expensive hobby.

For a bit of background, DP supports a sports team which is not local to us. He travels to watch them play around once per month, sometimes more (this month it’s 3 times). Between the ticket cost, fuel and food he usually spends around £150. However this month he has stayed in a hotel twice the night before the game.

We do not share finances however we do have joint finances for household bills etc. He uses his disposable income to pay for his hobby and isn’t left with much to save at the end of the month. I save around £400-£500 a month, I have always been a saver.

We’ve recently got a dog so this means when he is away I am looking after the puppy all day (who is too young to be left for long period of time) and this restricts what I can do with my time.

It got me thinking about the future and when we have kids. I said to him that chances are he won’t be able to afford to do this as often when we have kids, plus I’m not so keen on being left with a dog and baby all day while he’s away enjoying his hobby. Also, it’s quite restrictive as if he is not at the game, he will NEVER miss a game on the tv.

DP justifies spending this amount of money as he gave up drinking a number of years ago. There is also the very odd occasion where he will miss watching the football for an occasion.

I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this going forward? I knew that he was sports mad when I met him so I guess I knew what I was signing up to, however if we have kids I certainly don’t want things to carry on as they are so I would rather put boundaries in place now

OP posts:
Penguinduvetcover · 22/02/2023 07:13

It sounds like he is a very passionate supporter of his football team.

you knew this when you married him.

Sorry, but he won’t change.

Whether you have children or not, you are a football widow.

Original poster
Starlightblue · 22/02/2023 07:50

Thanks for all the replies. To try and address some points

He’s 29. We are actually living in his (mortgaged) house and are 50/50 on the bills. I sold my house and my income is higher, so I do have more disposable income. I have offered many a time to split the bills proportionate to our salaries but he has said he wants to do it 50/50. I’m not saving for anything in particular. He previously was on a very low salary so in the last year he now has extra disposable income so is enjoying being able to afford going to his hobby. Household tasks split 50/50 too.

When I have previously discussed the fact that I’m left with the dog all day at the weekend he’s said it wouldn’t bother him if he was left alone with the dog for a week. He’s previously been left with him for the odd day when I’ve been away with work.

If a family event is planned on the day of a sporting event he does go to the family event but I can tell he’s itching to watch the game!

OP posts:
CleaningOutMyCloset · 22/02/2023 07:58

My ex used to race motorbikes, it not only cost a fortune but took up lots of time, both weekends and fixing the bike during the week.

I remember he spent a lot of his paternity leave in the garage.

His life didn't really change, I ended up
Going with him on the weekends with the baby otherwise we'd never see him. We shared finances and I earnt more than him, the issues started when I started telling him we couldn't afford his hobby any longer (£500+ per weekend), due to childcare costs etc, and I started going out on weekends, leaving him with the baby. He really didn't like that, but expected me to do it without a second thought. It was the beginning of the end. I don't know it it was selfishness on his part or deep seated misogyny- maybe both.

When we split he wouldn't see the dc unless it fitted in with his life, he's better now they are teens and more self sufficient, but I still good quite a bit of resentment towards him around his complete selfishness. This all came from a man who assured me his hobby would come second to family

In your shoes op I'd be asking him to cut back on his sports to save money for maternity leave, if you come up against resistance the likely hood of him not being there for you and dc is high

Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 09:00

When I have previously discussed the fact that I’m left with the dog all day at the weekend he’s said it wouldn’t bother him if he was left alone with the dog

So, how he deals with your feelings is to over-write them with his hypothetical feelings? Does he show any understanding of the fact that even when he might like something, you might not?

Have you ever suggested doing anything that would leave him restricted at home with the dog? What would happen if you said you were going away at a time when he was meant to be watching his team? He'd presumably say 'I'm not happy with that', and then you could use his tactic of saying 'Well, I'd be ok with it' and that would shut him up, right? Like it's shut you up?

Or would you foresee a different outcome?

broomers · 22/02/2023 09:08

At the moment it's all words and no actions OP, you need to test how he'd really react when put in this situation as of course he knows what you want to hear right now.
Plan a day out for yourself that you know will clash with a game he wants to go to at the weekend and see how he reacts to having to stay home with the dog.
And don't fall into the trap of having to make your thing an 'occasion', make it a hobby thing too or even just some clothes shopping. It's your weekend hobby and you want to spend time doing it.
I had fallen into the trap of DH only covering things like Hen dos or birthdays so mine had to be a big occasion whereas his hobby that seems to occur multiple times a week he couldn't argue is a one off can't miss thing!

MadeInChorley · 22/02/2023 09:20

He has to realise and agree to scale back
his hobby himself, and to a point you both agree is reasonable for family life, or else it will be a (constant) source of friction, resentment and conflict.

It’s not realistic to continue as he is. And already you are getting tied to the house by the dog. Wait until there’s a baby or two. He might be sad and reluctant that his hobby takes a back seat, because he obviously gets a lot of enjoyment out of playing sports and following his team, but he can’t be resistant or resentful to changing this.

I’d also keep any conversation around how you are glad he has hobbies and want to support him in continuing, but there needs to be a framework agreed of how he participates and prioritises family life.

MichaelFabricantWig · 22/02/2023 09:25

SquishyGloopyBum · 22/02/2023 05:36

He's showing you who he is and what's important.

Don't have a baby with him in the hope he will change. He won't. You see it on here all the time with the female saying 'I thought he would change when the baby came along'

I bet you thought he would change when you got the puppy too? That's not worked out has it?

Don't have a baby with him.

This

you knew what he was like when you got together with him. He isn’t going to change, bringing a dog into it is bad enough let alone children

rwalker · 22/02/2023 09:32

SquishyGloopyBum · 22/02/2023 05:36

He's showing you who he is and what's important.

Don't have a baby with him in the hope he will change. He won't. You see it on here all the time with the female saying 'I thought he would change when the baby came along'

I bet you thought he would change when you got the puppy too? That's not worked out has it?

Don't have a baby with him.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with who he is
you ether take what’s on the table or walk away
trying to change people us a non stater

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 09:47

MichaelFabricantWig · 22/02/2023 09:25

This

you knew what he was like when you got together with him. He isn’t going to change, bringing a dog into it is bad enough let alone children

Show quote history

This.

Have you any idea how many men who give lip service to the fact they know their life will change when they have children but when the baby arrives they make NO changes and the silly woman who believed him is left literally holding the baby and bewildered?🙄

This IS who he is.

The dog is a "baby" and he doesn't give a damn that it ties YOU, he will just say I wouldn't mind doing what YOU are stuck doing hypothetically, as he goes on his merry way.

You would be unbelievably stupid to have a child with him and think he is going to change.

He won't pull his weight with a dog.

By all means waste your life and fxxk it up having a child with him, but don't pretend you weren't well warned by his behaviour.

Current behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour.

Only silly people fall for hypotheticals.

Actions not words.

He also is very happy spending his income fully on himself ANOTHER huge flag.

He's young and he is living his life how he wants to.

But for you to think he has anywhere near the commitment or maturity to have a child is spectacularly naive.

mumto2teenagers · 22/02/2023 10:01

In your OP you said it's usually once a month, but sometimes more. If you take twice a month as an average and say the season is around 9 months you are talking about 18 times a year.

I actually think you are being unreasonable. Whose idea was the puppy? we have 2 dogs are we only ever leave them for short periods of time, so there are occasions when we have to compromise, but my DD's are adults so with 4 adults in the house it's not normally an issue. What happens to the puppy when you both go out together, I assume he can be left for a short period so when your DH is away it's not that you can't leave the house.

DanseAvecLesLoup · 22/02/2023 10:08

Time to take up a weekend hobby/sport of your own OP. If he kicks off about his schedule not being prioritised over yours I think you have your answer as to where his priorities are.

audemoray · 22/02/2023 10:12

I expected him to be participating in a sport or activity, but he's just viewing. Unnecessary and unfair.

Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 10:12

DanseAvecLesLoup · 22/02/2023 10:08

Time to take up a weekend hobby/sport of your own OP. If he kicks off about his schedule not being prioritised over yours I think you have your answer as to where his priorities are.

I think just having a conversation about it would do the trick. You could tell him you were considering a part time course that's every second weekend or something, see how he takes it.

But to be honest, if you're having to resort to these sort of games, it's time to walk away.

DixitDomino · 22/02/2023 10:29

Does he want to have children?
Why did you get a puppy? as in, I am asking what were your reasons, not asking a rhetorical question.

Original poster
Starlightblue · 22/02/2023 10:44

mumto2teenagers · 22/02/2023 10:01

In your OP you said it's usually once a month, but sometimes more. If you take twice a month as an average and say the season is around 9 months you are talking about 18 times a year.

I actually think you are being unreasonable. Whose idea was the puppy? we have 2 dogs are we only ever leave them for short periods of time, so there are occasions when we have to compromise, but my DD's are adults so with 4 adults in the house it's not normally an issue. What happens to the puppy when you both go out together, I assume he can be left for a short period so when your DH is away it's not that you can't leave the house.

Thanks for a different perspective.

It was a joint idea to get the puppy. Due to his age it is restrictive at the moment as I don’t want to leave puppy in the house alone for longer than an hour at the minute. My hobby (swimming) would take around 3 hours including travel time.

I think I have enabled this in a way because I will do my hobby around when he does his. I suppose I’ve done this because realistically I can go swimming any time however his team plays at set times.

We have had a discussion this morning and he has said himself he knows that he can’t continue this way when we do have kids and that family life will come first. He recognises that family life can’t be squeezed in to the time his team isn’t playing. I said it wouldn’t be fair for my life to drastically change and his not to

OP posts:
Original poster
Starlightblue · 22/02/2023 10:48

DixitDomino · 22/02/2023 10:29

Does he want to have children?
Why did you get a puppy? as in, I am asking what were your reasons, not asking a rhetorical question.

Yes he very much wants children within the next couple of years.

His reasoning for getting a puppy is we have so much love to give, we can take him on nice days out (which we do… just not when his team are playing!). He has said that having the puppy has given him more responsibility and commitment which makes him look forward to having kids (ironic I know, considering I’m on here moaning about his lack of commitment sometimes!).

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to have his hobby, however I do think it’s unrealistic and unreasonable for his hobby to continue the exact way it is, post kids

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 10:48

We have had a discussion this morning and he has said himself he knows that he can’t continue this way when we do have kids and that family life will come first

What would he do if you asked him to stay home because your hobby didn't fit into his schedule one week?

Quitelikeit · 22/02/2023 10:55

I think what he is doing is ok. He’s no real commitments and he’s enjoying life. He told you he will change that when he has a child and most folk do change because it’s simply too hard not to (unless the woman allows it)

He can watch his team on tv and he doesn’t have to go to away games

when your child is 4 they can go to all the games with him and you’ll be very happy at the break

Original poster
Starlightblue · 22/02/2023 10:56

Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 10:48

We have had a discussion this morning and he has said himself he knows that he can’t continue this way when we do have kids and that family life will come first

What would he do if you asked him to stay home because your hobby didn't fit into his schedule one week?

I honestly don’t know. He had tickets for next weekend but there is a family event and he has sold his tickets and attending the family event. I didn’t ask him to, he said he knew himself it was the right thing to do.

If he had tickets for a game and I also had something on that day, I imagine we would arrange someone to look after the dog before he would consider cancelling.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 22/02/2023 10:56

Also I think it’s harsh not letting him go due to having a puppy

most folk would just ask someone else to look after it

Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 11:00

I imagine we would arrange someone to look after the dog before he would consider cancelling

So he won't be disrupted by home life but you're expected to be disrupted? Sorry if I've misunderstood, it's quite nuanced.

Original poster
Starlightblue · 22/02/2023 11:09

Watchkeys · 22/02/2023 11:00

I imagine we would arrange someone to look after the dog before he would consider cancelling

So he won't be disrupted by home life but you're expected to be disrupted? Sorry if I've misunderstood, it's quite nuanced.

If he didn’t have tickets he would stay home with the dog and watch the football. Which I imagine he would do if we had kids and I had plans or wanted to do my hobby

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 22/02/2023 11:13

Starlightblue · 22/02/2023 11:09

If he didn’t have tickets he would stay home with the dog and watch the football. Which I imagine he would do if we had kids and I had plans or wanted to do my hobby

Show quote history

That’s nice. Unless the kids want attention. Or like everyone we know, if the kids have activities. Ours have swimming Saturday afternoons, one has athletics Sunday afternoon and that will switch out wiht football Saturday mornings when the seasons change. My Dh does the majority of taking them and has to work footy matches around dc activities. I’m just flagging this! If he wants kids I’d start mentioning a countdown - not long till you are spending Saturdays cheering on 4yo football!

Blingstar · 22/02/2023 11:24

I think it's good to have very frank conversations about your expectations before you have a child.

After a few months my partner resumed his usual activities. When challenged he actually said "these were commitments I had before the baby!" Needless to say he's now ex partner. Children change everything, you've had a taster with the puppy.

I think the reality of mothering is that you will commit and do the work. You'll possibly go part-time in your job. So my advice to you is to get married before having children because the situation you are in is precarious in terms of the house being his etc etc. I wasn't married (nearly 20 year relationship) and would have been screwed in your position. So make sure you research rights before having a baby. Or get yourself on that mortgage and the title deeds.

DixitDomino · 22/02/2023 13:16

Does he have friends with young children? Have the fathers changed their lifestyles???Has he seen the reality of being a good father? Can you spend some time with young children- as a couple go and babysit friends' toddlers for a day?? He might just need the reality check to grasp what is involved.
It's possible he could change once a baby was born-- there's no point giving up his footie trips BEFORE a baby comes.... but it doesn't look good from the puppy point of view.