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Original poster

boyfriend makes me feel sad

53 replies

dancezoo · 18/02/2023 23:08

A strange one. I was elated to get together with him, and he is nice, and faithful (as far as I know) and I knew him for years as a friend but just somehow he makes me feel sad inside.

He doesn’t want to hug me as much as I want to hug him. He is more critical of me than I am of him. He tries to see me less than I do him.

And yet I know I am really important to him and all the signs of commitment are there. He’s introduced me to family and friends, he is very kind to me, he listens and remembers what’s important to me.

We’ve been together about a year, both second time around with kids, and I feel we’re missing out moment. I did fall in love with him, and I know he did with me because I felt it, but he didn’t say and neither did I and now I feel it has missed its chance. I don’t know if he loves me and he tends to want things to feel more trivial rather than less. I feel he is deeply worried about commitment and wants to see off any ‘intense’ moments in case they’re too challenging/upsetting/vulnerable. But as a result he has removed the very thing I’m in relationships for.

Should I end it? I feel so sad to, as I really fell for him and he would be ideal. But I feel he might be ultimately emotionally unavailable. Is there any way to work with men like this? He makes me feel unwanted.

thanks

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 18/02/2023 23:23

Depends if you want to stand for being criticised or not. That's not a behaviour that inspires love. How does he try to see you less - perhaps he's busy with other things? How often do you see him? Don't try and make your life revolve around him because that is not healthy.
I'd say initially hold back and match his energy - or lack of it. If he doesn't notice that you are less available, he might be a lost cause.Spending less time with him might give you more perspective on it and it looks like he's the type to give you breathing space easily.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2023 23:27

Answered it with just reading the title

If boyfriend makes you sad then dump him. Simple.

cassiatwenty · 19/02/2023 00:17

"I feel he is deeply worried about commitment and wants to see off any ‘intense’ moments in case they’re too challenging/upsetting/vulnerable. But as a result he has removed the very thing I’m in relationships for."

Well, that's life. Both good and the bad. Tricky to sanitize emotions and love, and what would be the point then?

I feel like it's some sort of a trend to act uncool and aloof and don't show emotions, but why do you need a cold person if looking for live? Like installing an AC when snowing.

You are worthy and it's okay to feel sad. Not much point in being with someone who makes you feel down most of the time.

Usernameisunavailable · 19/02/2023 00:49

If he makes you feel sad after a year that should tell you everything you need to know. He’s not the man for you. It’s only going to get worse. So many red flags…time to move on.

AlmostaMamma · 19/02/2023 00:53

Have you spoken to him about any of this?

DeeCeeCherry · 19/02/2023 02:59

Just 1 year in and you're feeling criticised and unwanted. You should still be in your 'honeymoon period', all over each other. 1 year is nothing. There's no need to analyse or overthink, not on his part or yours. You're sad with him, you may as well be sad without him. He's not the man for you

AgentJohnson · 19/02/2023 06:27

Knowing someone platonically and knowing someone in a relationship are two different things. Dating is a very important part of a relationship, it’s the time you establish how compatible you are. You’ve essentially skipped the dating part and tethered yourself to an idea of him and are desperately trying to smother the reality of him.

My advice to you is to accept that this is who he is, which means stop making excuses for the bits you don’t like. You’re not compatible in areas that are important to you.

Zanatdy · 19/02/2023 06:42

i’d end it. He’s not making you happy. I’ve been with someone for 3 months and he’s already telling me he loves me.
I can’t imagine being a year and not said it and limited hugs etc. I love hugging and kissing my bf and if he wasn’t receptive to that it wouldn’t make me feel very loved and wanted. If he criticised me I’d be walking out.

Poppyblush · 19/02/2023 07:00

on what planet is criticising you very kind?

end it.

ItchyBillco · 19/02/2023 08:12

he is very kind to me

But you said he’s critical of you, won’t hug you and tries to see you less.

He shouldn’t make you feel bad and sad. Life is too short.

Beelips · 19/02/2023 08:28

Sorry you are going through this, I know from experience how upsetting it is to be in this situation. I suggest it may be helpful for you to read about adult attachment styles (book Attached by A Levine). There are also YouTube videos. Your boyfriend sounds like he has an avoidant/dismissive attachment style. In other words - hard work if you want a committed progressing relationship where you feel consistently considered and cared for.
Is it possible for a relationship with a dismissive/avoidant to survive? They say so - with a lot of work put in on BOTH sides. Mine didn’t, it was far too upsetting for me and I figured out that life was just too short.
Good luck OP 💐.

3487642I · 19/02/2023 08:39

OP, you sound like you have a generous heart and you really want this person to be right for you. Sadly people don't easily change. What you are noticing are incompatibilities that mean you are not having your emotional needs met in this relationship, and you will be much happier with someone who can meet them. This is not an easy thing to confront. But you know this relationship is not making you happy so you will need to be courageous and make the hard decision to move towards the short-term pain of ending and grieving this relationship so you can look for a relationship with someone more compatible with you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/02/2023 08:48

Sometimes people are fine and OK but how they are doesn’t work for you

you feeling sad all the time is a HUGE register that this basically this isn’t working for you

your not happy !

and don’t second guess yourself and say BUT he does XYZ

I’ve split with a similar emotionally unavailable man , he actually made me more anxious

I promised myself that if after a year I still had such negative feelings I’d end it ….

wasn’t easy
and I miss him
but I’m less anxious 😬

Original poster
dancezoo · 19/02/2023 11:25

Yes, I think you understand. I really fell in love with him, but it’s like he won’t let me be in love with him. It’s so sad. He won’t let himself need me. What sort of people do these guys end up with? People with the same attachment style as them?

OP posts:
Original poster
dancezoo · 19/02/2023 19:07

that really helped @Beelips thank you

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 19/02/2023 19:12

Your title was enough. If your bf makes you sad, you're with the wrong man. I'm not being flippant. Relationships are meant to make (both) your lives better. If they don't, what's the point?

And the criticising, not showing affection and not wanting to see you much are all big warning signs that he is either not that in to you, or he's not emotionally capable of a healthy grown up r'ship right now.

Original poster
dancezoo · 19/02/2023 19:41

I think he is that into me, which is why I’m taking the effort of working this out. But I understand most people would say it isn’t worth even thinking through

OP posts:
HazelBite · 19/02/2023 19:56

Do you suppose he is putting up a barrier between you as he is frightened of getting too close as he doesn't want the possibility of getting hurt in the future if he shows his vulnerable side?
As it is second time around for him how painful was the breakup of his previous reltioship?

Original poster
dancezoo · 19/02/2023 20:44

It might be that. Yes I think he is frightened. Yes, it was a very painful break up for him.

OP posts:
TracyBeakerSoYeah · 19/02/2023 22:55

Beelips · 19/02/2023 08:28

Sorry you are going through this, I know from experience how upsetting it is to be in this situation. I suggest it may be helpful for you to read about adult attachment styles (book Attached by A Levine). There are also YouTube videos. Your boyfriend sounds like he has an avoidant/dismissive attachment style. In other words - hard work if you want a committed progressing relationship where you feel consistently considered and cared for.
Is it possible for a relationship with a dismissive/avoidant to survive? They say so - with a lot of work put in on BOTH sides. Mine didn’t, it was far too upsetting for me and I figured out that life was just too short.
Good luck OP 💐.

I very much agree with @Beelips
It is soul destroying when you are in a relationship like this.
A relationship should make you happy, not sad & constantly overthinking.
I didn't want to end mine but I couldn't cope with his one minute all over me , the next withdrawing when he was feeling vulnerable, so I would withdraw & then he'd start to show his feelings & we'd get emotionally closer then he'd emotionally withdraw again & rinse & repeat.
He had been through an awful lot of childhood trauma, which isn't an excuse but a reason why my ex was avoidant/dismissive but sometimes he would flip into avoidant/anxious-fearful mode.
He could also be critical of others & was bossy too.

However I loved him very much & I know he did feel the same way as he did tell me but it just got too much in the end & wore me down.

I'm still feeling a bit shell shocked 8 months later & do miss him but I just had to walk away.

So can really sympathise with you @dancezoo

Original poster
dancezoo · 20/02/2023 01:21

I’m so sorry to hear this @TracyBeakerSoYeah, for you and for me. It’s such a shame that someone so lovely, who you love and isn’t otherwise awful, is nevertheless unsuitable in this way.

Yes! Mine is critical of others. Why do they do this? Do you have any insight on this? He can also sort of control the situation so that what he wants to happen happens (like going out/staying in).

Also did yours know he was like this? I mean we presumably know our attachment styles and would work on it. What were his other relationships like? Did he understand why you’d broken it off?

Sorry it’s been so rubbish. I would say that it sounds like you are doing a good job of listening to yourself and your needs, and that bodes well for your long term happiness.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/02/2023 07:18

TracyBeakerSoYeah

so many of these out there

I’m only 6 weeks out of a year long thing

very similar
total cave man and it devastated me as every time he withdrew I’d think it was over

im hoping for a 3 month recovery ideally 😂

Tiny2018 · 20/02/2023 07:25

Title tells you everything you need to know. Life's hard and short enough to be sad.

Original poster
dancezoo · 20/02/2023 11:58

I’ve found this really useful. And so sorry to those that have experienced similar

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 20/02/2023 13:00

dancezoo · 20/02/2023 01:21

I’m so sorry to hear this @TracyBeakerSoYeah, for you and for me. It’s such a shame that someone so lovely, who you love and isn’t otherwise awful, is nevertheless unsuitable in this way.

Yes! Mine is critical of others. Why do they do this? Do you have any insight on this? He can also sort of control the situation so that what he wants to happen happens (like going out/staying in).

Also did yours know he was like this? I mean we presumably know our attachment styles and would work on it. What were his other relationships like? Did he understand why you’d broken it off?

Sorry it’s been so rubbish. I would say that it sounds like you are doing a good job of listening to yourself and your needs, and that bodes well for your long term happiness.

I recently posted on a similar topic. I feel quite anxious in my relationship sometimes. I got a lot of advice suggesting to end things but I think one of the most helpful pieces of advice was to make him part of my life not all of my life. I also have an anxious attachment style and him and avoidant one but I also think these are just labels. Honestly I am less anxious when we have agreed planned dates and so we agree those and he's fine doing that. We agree that we will speak every day etc. I think if you want more hugs just say it. Good luck OP you sound lovely.

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