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Original poster

boyfriend makes me feel sad

53 replies

dancezoo · 18/02/2023 23:08

A strange one. I was elated to get together with him, and he is nice, and faithful (as far as I know) and I knew him for years as a friend but just somehow he makes me feel sad inside.

He doesn’t want to hug me as much as I want to hug him. He is more critical of me than I am of him. He tries to see me less than I do him.

And yet I know I am really important to him and all the signs of commitment are there. He’s introduced me to family and friends, he is very kind to me, he listens and remembers what’s important to me.

We’ve been together about a year, both second time around with kids, and I feel we’re missing out moment. I did fall in love with him, and I know he did with me because I felt it, but he didn’t say and neither did I and now I feel it has missed its chance. I don’t know if he loves me and he tends to want things to feel more trivial rather than less. I feel he is deeply worried about commitment and wants to see off any ‘intense’ moments in case they’re too challenging/upsetting/vulnerable. But as a result he has removed the very thing I’m in relationships for.

Should I end it? I feel so sad to, as I really fell for him and he would be ideal. But I feel he might be ultimately emotionally unavailable. Is there any way to work with men like this? He makes me feel unwanted.

thanks

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/02/2023 13:47

Your title says it all.

What difference does it make what qualities he has, he makes you feel sad.

The simplicity of your title should be your guide.

Don't make the mistake SO many do of making a man your project.

They are not projects.

He makes you sad.

Life is just too short.

Lean into these emotions to make you stronger.

Why are you loving someone who makes you feel sad?

You deserve to love someone who brings you joy.

It is 100% worth holding out for.

Let him go.

Original poster
dancezoo · 20/02/2023 19:58

@Livelifelaughter ah thanks. How is it going since you took that advice? Does your man know you care so much about him? What was his past like? Does he tell you he loves you?

OP posts:
Frogscottle · 20/02/2023 20:19

Im 3 years in to a relationship that started like this.

it is now a much more settled and equal relationship and I unreservedly know hes in it for the long haul and loves me completely. BUT. It took us a long time to get here and a lot of patience on my part. I stuck it out because Ive never felt this deeply about anyone. But i had to do certain things to help me stay sane and balanced.

  1. Hold your boundaries. This doesnt mean you have to be bolshy but do be very honest and clear when he is upsetting you..and by that I mean with yourself as well as him. Lying to yourself and accepting sadness ‘because I love him’ isn’t ok.

  2. Make sure you have a life outside of the relationship. Anxious attachmenters are often co dependants. This type of relationship CAN be very good for us as it encourages us to stand on our own two feet more. Im a way stronger, more independant person than I was when he met me and he knows that.

  3. When you catch yourself obsessing, don’t. Actively force yourself to think about or do something that will refocus you on you.

  4. Make it clear that you love him, but you love you just as much and he needs to respect that and care about it. This was a as simple as having that conversation for me.

It took him about 18 months to tell me he loved me. And now he tells me every day, multiple times a day…but more importantly he shows me. I waited because I knew he loved me, but I also respected that he needed to see it and tell me in his own time. And it means so, so much more to me every time he says it because I know he’d never say it if he didnt utterly mean it.

Original poster
dancezoo · 20/02/2023 20:27

@Frogscottle this is what I desperately want!! Do you think he was hurt before or always like that? Such good tips, I am so grateful. Do you think he knew he was hard work?

OP posts:
Frogscottle · 20/02/2023 20:45

He does know he’s hard work yes, but that doesn't mean he's always been mindful of it.

He’s had 2 quite difficult relationships previously. I was told this by him eventually but actually by mutual friends at first.
He tends to be very kind and respectful about his ex’s, which , when you consider how they treated him speaks volumes about him actually being a very decent person.

However, unless you are very young everyone you meet will have been hurt and its up to them to look at this and heal. You shouldnt be paying the price for previous girlfriends fuck ups. The fact that my dp did do this and has worked through it for himself is one of the reasons I stuck with it.

Frogscottle · 20/02/2023 20:47

I’d also add…I stayed because I knew I’d be ok without him. Because I wanted to not because I need someone else to feel ok. I’d done a lot of therapy and knew my boundaries. If you don’t feel like this then I’d go and do some work on that before continuing in this relationship.

Original poster
dancezoo · 20/02/2023 21:01

Yes, that is what I am also working on in therapy. The anxious stuff is where my painful past happened. I do almost think I could use this as a situation for growth.

Yes, mine also is very decent to exes that hurt him.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 22/02/2023 17:16

@perfectcolourfound Good point

fluffylampbear · 22/02/2023 17:21

sounds like a big mismatch between your needs, which is never going to work out well. I'd suggest leaving sooner rather than later or you could end up wasting years with this guy!

Original poster
dancezoo · 22/02/2023 20:29

I actually think he’s going to dump me before I’ve had the chance to waste years on it :-(

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 22/02/2023 20:30

He's not ideal. He's making you unhappy. If that's the situation from the off it's not going to suddenly change. You deserve happiness in your life.

Original poster
dancezoo · 22/02/2023 20:36

Yes, I just feel very miserable about it. I don’t know why he doesn’t love me.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 22/02/2023 20:49

A bit hard living your life trying to prove to someone you are worth loving (which you are)

A partner should help you feel good about yourself. If you feel sad and unwanted, that leads to low self-esteem and then depression because of low self-esteem

Original poster
dancezoo · 22/02/2023 21:04

But maybe I’m just not loveable. I really gave him my best side and he seems utterly repulsed

OP posts:
Original poster
dancezoo · 22/02/2023 21:35

Anyway yes @cassiatwenty, you’re right

OP posts:
Beelips · 22/02/2023 21:54

Just because you don’t feel loved, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. He may well
do, in his own way. The way he’s able. Is it enough? Unlikely, judging by your posts…
I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here: you keep pondering why you’re not enough for him. Try to flip it and ask yourself a question: is he enough for you? Is he meeting your emotional and other needs? You see, focusing on the former keeps you stuck in that place of lack of self-love, and the second you start shifting the focus towards the latter question, you will start processing the whole narrative in a much healthier way.

Also, I heard somewhere the other day: ‘You’ll never be enough for the wrong person’ and that really resonated.

Provenza · 22/02/2023 21:54

OP - you will never be right for the wrong person. You definitely are loveable.

BackAgainstWall · 22/02/2023 23:19

No one should put themselves through sadness and neglect like this 💐
You can’t change him and you can’t make him love you.
For me, I would rather be on my own and as painful as it is, I would personally end it.

Livelifelaughter · 23/02/2023 07:21

Provenza · 22/02/2023 21:54

OP - you will never be right for the wrong person. You definitely are loveable.

I second that. Ask your closest friends, your family. Even from reading your comments and never having met you, you are lovable and a kind sweet generous person. Please please recognise that xx

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 23/02/2023 07:46

For me when I read this OP it was the criticising that was the deal breaker. My partner never ever criticises anything I do because it undermines your self worth and makes you question what you do and think, and why would you do that to someone you love?
My partner makes me feel confident simply because he is there to talk about things and not put me down.
I am glad you started this thread. I hope you make the right decision here

TedMullins · 23/02/2023 07:57

Stop wasting time trying to analyse why he acts how he does or how he might feel about you. None of that matters. All that matters is that he makes you feel bad, and that means he isn’t right for you. A relationship where you’re desperately trying to make someone love you is NOT a healthy one. It doesn’t mean you’re unloveable, it means he’s the wrong person for you. Why do you immediately read it as a reflection on you? You need to get to a point where you love yourself enough to say fuck this, I deserve more.

Goodread1 · 23/02/2023 08:03

Just reading the title was putting me seriously 😳 off him,
that's exactly how you should feel
But I suspect strongly the past history of being just that friends,
Is clouding your judgement here,

There's a difference between just being friends and becoming a couple

Ironically being a good like a good friend or treating your partner like one obviously with intimacy ect in mix

Is usually often bed rock of a good relationship

But out of balance/not in sync,
Too much one way and not enough the other way/either way,
That's when trouble will start brewing up simmering under surface

Op

Have you discussed this had honestly talk or does he allways find excuses or bail out ?

I suggest strongly this type of communication of his
Mostly body language

Suggests it's a lot more deep seated than you or could even be very much the case and he is very much in denial,
Sounds like his lack of communication could go back to his childhood in some way,
What was his family life like growing up?

What kind of marriage/relantship did his parents have Op?
What cultral expectations was there placed on him 🤔?
Whether faith wise or just Culture ethnicity community values ect,

Goodread1 · 23/02/2023 08:10

His lack of communication he could be unaware how much his childhood has affected him,
And how this in turn is affecting his relationship with you , and even if he wasn't with you in a relationship,
He was with someone else
I really think this is way he would be like ,

It may be so embedded in his psyche the way he is like to you

You would be better off moving on and after some time apart or automatically just staying the way you were before,
Just platonic friends

Nothing wrong with that,

Being just friends

Goodread1 · 23/02/2023 08:15

I really think therapy could be beneficial for him,
But would he admit that 🤔 he needs help in this way?

Would he realise he has got an issue in this regard ?

Goodread1 · 23/02/2023 08:20

Criticism of you, often is emotionally abusive,

You are worth so much more than this

Time to ditch him Op

I don't think 🤔 and I am not sure

Your former friendship is salvageable or wort it,
from what your experience has been of this relantship has been so far

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