Men who leave for OW when kids very small

ToyotaCorolla · 2023-02-18T20:04:57+00:00

AIBU to take a dim view of a man who leaves his wife when his kids are a toddler & a baby? Surely it’s normal at that stage of life that his marriage might feel like hard work, and a decent man should put his energy into supporting his wife & trying to make things work, not getting friendly with other (younger, childfree) women. (I’m assuming here it’s just a regular situation of not having much fun / sex / both being tired & run down with tiny kids. Obviously if the man is suffering domestic abuse or something terrible he should leave, but he can do that *before* lining up a OW) Sure, if it’s still not working out when kids are a bit older, leave. Context - childfree friend’s new man left wife & very young kids for her. But he’s obviously a great guy and an “amazing dad” 🤨 and they’re so in love. I guess as I have kids myself I really feel for the wife. I know how brutal 2 kids under 3 is and can sympathise with the wife if she’s not the best version of herself right now. There’s no way I could have competed against a shiny, younger, childfree woman in the early years of having kids. Am I bring overly judgmental? I just can’t help thinking this isn’t a man I’d get involved with!

LoekMa · 18/02/2023 20:10

Find the fact that you need to stress she's Childfree very telling. You could've just said "My friend's new man"

You sure her choice to not have kids isn't what is really bothering you? It reads like that

cleanbreak2022 · 18/02/2023 20:11

I'm with you on this OP. My DD was 15mos old when I was traded in for a child free woman who was 15yrs his junior.
She had no idea in the work involved in raising children. I will always take a dim view of a man that bailed when the children are so young (my DS was 7).

She has (had) delusions of them being star crossed lovers because he left his children for her. She has actually romanticised the scenario. If you're friend is my ex OW then I'm telling you now, he's no catch!

I actually said to her once 'I knew you'd be young' she took it as a compliment, and asked me why. I explained that a wise woman worth her salt would not entertain him, that the woman he left me for would have to be you set and naive for older and damn right stupid.

CakeIsNotAvailable · 18/02/2023 20:11

You weren't part of their marriage and can have no idea what was really going on. You have no way of knowing how unhappy or incompatible they really were, or if the wife had drug or alcohol or gambling issues, or whether it was a sexless marriage. I'd mind my own business, personally.

Dery · 18/02/2023 20:12

I’m with you, OP - there will always be exceptions but I would just take the view that someone who can leave tiny kids can leave anyone.

CakeIsNotAvailable · 18/02/2023 20:16

You make it sound as if men should accept a sexless marriage if they have young children. Many men express love through physical intimacy, and feel unloved in a sexless marriage. If you don't have sex with your husband, it's entirely possible that eventually he will either find a woman who will have sex with him, or he will become frustrated and unhappy and the marriage will deteriorate or end because of that.

TeenLifeMum · 18/02/2023 20:21

Prioritising sex over your dc will never be something I’m okay with. I agree with you op.

Original poster

ToyotaCorolla · 18/02/2023 20:26

By “childfree” I mean she has no kids yet - there’s still plenty of time

OP posts:

Crazypaving22 · 18/02/2023 20:26

TeenLifeMum · 18/02/2023 20:21

Prioritising sex over your dc will never be something I’m okay with. I agree with you op.

Everything this!

I suspect you’ll need to get the tissues and ice cream in. I’ve seen a few of these and they often run back to the wife pleading ‘depression’ when they realise all that new sex doesn’t make up for the time with their family they’re missing.

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2023 20:29

Yes it's shitty.

But id also argue that she probably should not have had kids with this man in the first place. Of Course there's no fool proof way to know he won't bugger off if you do but...personally that's part of the reason I'd never risk having kids.

I don't want to be forcibly tied to a man forever. Even if you split up, you probably still have to see them sometimes for the kids. Which would suck if it was a bad break up.

So although my sympathy is with women who end up having kids with a rat bastard...I do kind of wonder why they didn't recognise this was a possibility. You never know how a partner will be 5 years from now. Let alone 5 years from now where you have young kids with them.

Don't do it unless you're prepared to possibly be a single mum. Financially and emotionally. Because there's quite a big chance that'll be the case. Even if it's 10 years in amd amicable and not him swanning off when you've just gave birth.

Stiginthedump · 18/02/2023 20:29

Absolutely! Men like this are not good men however you dress them up.

Zanatdy · 18/02/2023 20:35

I agree it’s really shitty behaviour. You do see women on here who refuse to address the fact they don’t want to have sex with their husband post children. And whilst that should be fine in the months after the birth / late pregnancy, like someone else said above most men crave physical intimacy and if they aren’t getting it then they do often go looking elsewhere. No doubt this new woman will not be feeling very secure and trusting of her new partner, especially if they have children in the future

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 18/02/2023 20:52

CakeIsNotAvailable · 18/02/2023 20:16

You make it sound as if men should accept a sexless marriage if they have young children. Many men express love through physical intimacy, and feel unloved in a sexless marriage. If you don't have sex with your husband, it's entirely possible that eventually he will either find a woman who will have sex with him, or he will become frustrated and unhappy and the marriage will deteriorate or end because of that.

No one should marry a man like that.
A man like that should just stick to fuck buddies forever.

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2023 21:11

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 18/02/2023 20:52

No one should marry a man like that.
A man like that should just stick to fuck buddies forever.

Show quote history

Agree. But they won't. Becayse rhey see children as women's work so don't feel it'll impact their life to get a woman pregnant. Qnd if it dies, they'll just leave.

That's why you always get married first. If they get cold feet before the wedding then you'll know they absolutely wouldn't hang around long after you have kids.

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2023 21:12

*Jesus , does, not dies xD

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/02/2023 21:41

My lovely workmate is 7 months pregnant with her third child. Her daughter and son are nearly 5 and nearly 3. Her husband walked out just before Christmas saying he couldn't cope with so many kids. Allegedly living on his own in a flat. She's so strong but it's taking a toll on her. Men like him are just jokes of husbands and fathers.

WitheringTights000 · 18/02/2023 21:50

I am due to go on a date with a man who is separated and who has a 3 and 6 year old.

Obviously I'm not the other woman, I haven't
Met him yet and it was set up through a dating agency and he is single....

But should I take a more negative view of him now that he called it a day when the kids are still so young?

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2023 22:31

I'd think anyone with any kids under 5 would be a straight up no from me personally. Because presumably they would also have had to be separated for at least a year to be respectful, before starting dating again. Imo anyway.

So if his kid is 3 then, when did he leave?
When it was 2? Or literally just a few months ago and he's already dating. Scummy either way.

cleanbreak2022 · 18/02/2023 23:06

@WitheringTights000 I think it's impossible to say. His wife may have ended the relationship? Without context it would be difficult to advise. With children as young as that, it's bound to be messy. My relationship ended when my DD was 15mos, she's now 2 1/2 (14 mos ago). Given my personal experience it would be a red flag to me. That being said my parents met when my eldest brother was 2.

cleanbreak2022 · 18/02/2023 23:07

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/02/2023 21:41

My lovely workmate is 7 months pregnant with her third child. Her daughter and son are nearly 5 and nearly 3. Her husband walked out just before Christmas saying he couldn't cope with so many kids. Allegedly living on his own in a flat. She's so strong but it's taking a toll on her. Men like him are just jokes of husbands and fathers.

That was me, minus the pregnancy but with an infant. Turned out the flat was a love nest with OW

MissTrip82 · 18/02/2023 23:15

It makes me feel sick when this happens. I can’t imagine how the bond of creating a baby and giving birth and having this visible sign of your love for each other can be broken but it happens.

I also can’t fathom why anyone who thinks they’re in love with a man wants to separate him from his children. Years ago when I was single I read an article by a woman whose son would cry looking for daddy when he left for someone else, and not long afterward a different article by an OW about how her partner would cry missing his children. Having that in the back of my mind, a few years later when I got too close to a married man at work, I quit. Changed employers immediately. Never saw him again. I wasn’t prepared to even consider being part of a relationship that would hurt him, his wife and his children.

Moser85 · 18/02/2023 23:21

I definitely think you can tell a lot about a man from this. And if he was doing his fair share of parenting he wouldn't even have time or energy for an OW when the kids are that age.

Tuilpmouse · 18/02/2023 23:23

WitheringTights000 · 18/02/2023 21:50

I am due to go on a date with a man who is separated and who has a 3 and 6 year old.

Obviously I'm not the other woman, I haven't
Met him yet and it was set up through a dating agency and he is single....

But should I take a more negative view of him now that he called it a day when the kids are still so young?

How don you know it was him that called it a day?

WitheringTights000 · 19/02/2023 02:21

@cleanbreak2022 - yes I know it's impossible to say I guess. But I'm thinking if he was pulling his weight etc at home would his wife really do that for no reason? I'm thinking if she ended it, there must have been a good reason as surely you would try everything when kids are so small.

@Tuilpmouse - I don't know it was him that called it a day. I'm so curious to find out but don't want to be too nosey! Especially on a first date

DeeCeeCherry · 19/02/2023 02:39

I cant fathom what a woman sees in a man who has abandoned his young children for her. It just screams heartless/untrustworthy. What's attractive about that? Just 2 stupid people together I guess

My view of him would be so dim that I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. Its not as if there's a man shortage in this world.

LoekMa · 19/02/2023 02:51

MissTrip82 · 18/02/2023 23:15

It makes me feel sick when this happens. I can’t imagine how the bond of creating a baby and giving birth and having this visible sign of your love for each other can be broken but it happens.

I also can’t fathom why anyone who thinks they’re in love with a man wants to separate him from his children. Years ago when I was single I read an article by a woman whose son would cry looking for daddy when he left for someone else, and not long afterward a different article by an OW about how her partner would cry missing his children. Having that in the back of my mind, a few years later when I got too close to a married man at work, I quit. Changed employers immediately. Never saw him again. I wasn’t prepared to even consider being part of a relationship that would hurt him, his wife and his children.

😂yeah right.