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Original poster

Men who leave for OW when kids very small

64 replies

ToyotaCorolla · 18/02/2023 20:04

AIBU to take a dim view of a man who leaves his wife when his kids are a toddler & a baby?

Surely it’s normal at that stage of life that his marriage might feel like hard work, and a decent man should put his energy into supporting his wife & trying to make things work, not getting friendly with other (younger, childfree) women.

(I’m assuming here it’s just a regular situation of not having much fun / sex / both being tired & run down with tiny kids. Obviously if the man is suffering domestic abuse or something terrible he should leave, but he can do that before lining up a OW)

Sure, if it’s still not working out when kids are a bit older, leave.

Context - childfree friend’s new man left wife & very young kids for her. But he’s obviously a great guy and an “amazing dad” 🤨 and they’re so in love.

I guess as I have kids myself I really feel for the wife. I know how brutal 2 kids under 3 is and can sympathise with the wife if she’s not the best version of herself right now. There’s no way I could have competed against a shiny, younger, childfree woman in the early years of having kids.

Am I bring overly judgmental? I just can’t help thinking this isn’t a man I’d get involved with!

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 19/02/2023 13:53

@WitheringTights000 Best to get the answers early on so definitely ask the questions.

Op,I agree...we should judge people who have affairs when children are small (male & female). The poster who talked about "poor" men having to endure a sexless relationship is sterotyping men as simple creatures driven by sex. I give most men more credit than that.

Couples with children will go through tough times especially in the first few years as the adjustment to parenting is enormous. The people who bail by having an affair are weak, selfish and ego driven. That's a character trait which they will bring into the affair relationship.

The man I knew who left when his wife had a young baby, left his 2nd wife when she became temporarily ill..selfish people don't change.

WitheringTights000 · 19/02/2023 14:21

@Livinghappy - I have an illness so if he perhaps found it too difficult to deal with young kids then maybe he wouldn't want to be bothered with my illness 🙃😕

wineNcheeseifYplease · 19/02/2023 22:59

Talon01 · 19/02/2023 13:48

Wow so instead of having some empathy for someone cheated on beacuse it's a man you have to question him.

Show quote history

Just curious

wineNcheeseifYplease · 19/02/2023 23:02

Also empathetic, because it's a truelly shit thing to experience. The two aren't mutually exclusive though. But the thread is about leaving your kids too.

WitheringTights000 · 19/02/2023 23:19

Anyone know how to casually drop into convo why their marriage broke down etc on a first date....

Siameasy · 19/02/2023 23:37

In black and white terms yes it sounds grim. However, you don’t know the full story. For example, when our DC was small I was truly awful to DH, absolutely hideous and he did not deserve it. But if he’d gone elsewhere he would’ve been “scum”; it’s not as simple as basic people make out.

And yes if you refuse to have sex with your husband for ages he will look elsewhere. Not because he’s out of control or a pervert but because of biology. Men are different from women and I see a recent trend to try to make them more like us. They just aren’t.

YRGAM · 20/02/2023 06:12

So how old exactly do your children have to be before you're allowed to end a marriage?

cleanbreak2022 · 20/02/2023 07:17

@YRGAM you can leave a relationship at any time you like. I think the main issue in this thread is how that was done and handled.

In my case, my ex had an affair and left when my DD was not even crawling. I had just returned to the office following covid and more or less being locked up for 2yrs. (I was pregnant when it all began and was considered CEV). I worked from home and home schooled whilst pregnant worried about our finances. I then ended my mat leave after 6 weeks and continued working from home and home schooling.

Maybe the relationship wasn't in great shape, but neither was I and rather than support me he found another woman.

I think that's very telling about the standard of man he was and to me, that's why it will always be a red flag.

I also consider time lines, if the children are young or babies, then there's likely to be a fresh split. The children need to be settled and they should be at the forefront of both parents mind. That routine and co parenting relationship takes time to establish and when you're in the throes of a new romance it won't get the attention it needs.

laroisenoire123 · 20/02/2023 07:25

There is a difference:

  1. The man who leaves his wife with young kids and decides never to see the kids again and
  2. The man who leaves his wife but cares about his kids and sees them and provides for them.
PooHeads · 20/02/2023 07:39

cleanbreak2022 · 20/02/2023 07:17

@YRGAM you can leave a relationship at any time you like. I think the main issue in this thread is how that was done and handled.

In my case, my ex had an affair and left when my DD was not even crawling. I had just returned to the office following covid and more or less being locked up for 2yrs. (I was pregnant when it all began and was considered CEV). I worked from home and home schooled whilst pregnant worried about our finances. I then ended my mat leave after 6 weeks and continued working from home and home schooling.

Maybe the relationship wasn't in great shape, but neither was I and rather than support me he found another woman.

I think that's very telling about the standard of man he was and to me, that's why it will always be a red flag.

I also consider time lines, if the children are young or babies, then there's likely to be a fresh split. The children need to be settled and they should be at the forefront of both parents mind. That routine and co parenting relationship takes time to establish and when you're in the throes of a new romance it won't get the attention it needs.

Rather than support me he found another woman - THIS.
Your story is so, so similar to mine. I hope you’re doing ok now 💐

Crazypaving22 · 20/02/2023 07:46

There is a difference

  1. A man who leaves an unhappy marriage that has been discussed, where the wife might not agree BUT ultimately knows that he has been honest and open about his feelings, where the children ms well-being is at the heart of his decision making.
  2. A man who leaves a marriage due to an affair where he has gaslit, betrayed, changed the narrative of the marriage, taken his wife’s right to informed sexual consent, and invested time in flattering another women while he should have been invested in his young children.

The second type of man has a three-four times chance of repeating his cheating behaviour in a subsequent relationship. And often tries to return to the family home when the affair fails as invariably it does.

Talon01 · 20/02/2023 08:09

laroisenoire123 · 20/02/2023 07:25

There is a difference:

  1. The man who leaves his wife with young kids and decides never to see the kids again and
  2. The man who leaves his wife but cares about his kids and sees them and provides for them.

Also it's the woman that typically initiates the separation/ divorce. That's not the man abandoning his kids.

I take solace that my real life experiences are far removed from what you see on these pages. Is interesting to hear views though.

cleanbreak2022 · 20/02/2023 08:10

@PooHeads I'm all good. I'm NC as the abuse I received was off the scale. I hope you are doing well also

Original poster
ToyotaCorolla · 20/02/2023 09:52

*Maybe the relationship wasn't in great shape, but neither was I and rather than support me he found another woman.

I think that's very telling about the standard of man he was and to me, that's why it will always be a red flag.

I also consider time lines, if the children are young or babies, then there's likely to be a fresh split. The children need to be settled and they should be at the forefront of both parents mind. That routine and co parenting relationship takes time to establish and when you're in the throes of a new romance it won't get the attention it needs*

@cleanbreak2022 you’re hitting all the nails on the head. This is the behaviour I was referring to in this thread.

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