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Original poster

Men who leave for OW when kids very small

64 replies

ToyotaCorolla · 18/02/2023 20:04

AIBU to take a dim view of a man who leaves his wife when his kids are a toddler & a baby?

Surely it’s normal at that stage of life that his marriage might feel like hard work, and a decent man should put his energy into supporting his wife & trying to make things work, not getting friendly with other (younger, childfree) women.

(I’m assuming here it’s just a regular situation of not having much fun / sex / both being tired & run down with tiny kids. Obviously if the man is suffering domestic abuse or something terrible he should leave, but he can do that before lining up a OW)

Sure, if it’s still not working out when kids are a bit older, leave.

Context - childfree friend’s new man left wife & very young kids for her. But he’s obviously a great guy and an “amazing dad” 🤨 and they’re so in love.

I guess as I have kids myself I really feel for the wife. I know how brutal 2 kids under 3 is and can sympathise with the wife if she’s not the best version of herself right now. There’s no way I could have competed against a shiny, younger, childfree woman in the early years of having kids.

Am I bring overly judgmental? I just can’t help thinking this isn’t a man I’d get involved with!

OP posts:
WitheringTights000 · 19/02/2023 03:14

@DeeCeeCherry - yea I agree! But with me he is Already single/separated so it's deffo not an OW situation! I would not entertain a situation like that

WidthofaLine · 19/02/2023 03:32

MissTrip82 · 18/02/2023 23:15

It makes me feel sick when this happens. I can’t imagine how the bond of creating a baby and giving birth and having this visible sign of your love for each other can be broken but it happens.

I also can’t fathom why anyone who thinks they’re in love with a man wants to separate him from his children. Years ago when I was single I read an article by a woman whose son would cry looking for daddy when he left for someone else, and not long afterward a different article by an OW about how her partner would cry missing his children. Having that in the back of my mind, a few years later when I got too close to a married man at work, I quit. Changed employers immediately. Never saw him again. I wasn’t prepared to even consider being part of a relationship that would hurt him, his wife and his children.

That's the story and she sticking to it 😅

LoekMa · 19/02/2023 03:40

WidthofaLine · 19/02/2023 03:32

That's the story and she sticking to it 😅

Show quote history

😂how saintly - oh me oh my 😉

Original poster
ToyotaCorolla · 19/02/2023 07:07

And if he was doing his fair share of parenting he wouldn't even have time or energy for an OW when the kids are that age

completely agree!

OP posts:
Pricklyheath · 19/02/2023 07:29

The two most heartless that stick in my mind is a friend who had a dc with a life limiting illness, just after the dc died aged 3 the dh was found to be having an affair, he begged for another chance and he agreed with friend to have another baby. She did and 3 weeks after the birth her dh left her permanently for the OW.

The second was a colleague of dh, she wasn’t ready to have a dc but her partner again said how lovely it would be, he left her when she was 6 months pregnant.

They , imo, are both horrible specimens of men.
The first moved to Spain with OW so didn’t even stick around to parent.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/02/2023 07:49

ToyotaCorolla

it will probably turn to shit at some stage
the odds arnt good ….

she shouldn’t fall in love with him but sadly she probably will

and I’d also take a dim view of him

Original poster
ToyotaCorolla · 19/02/2023 07:50

@WitheringTights000 that would be a red flag for me.

Obviously there might be a genuine reason for the split, maybe his wife left him or maybe his wife was abusive.

But I would be very wary, and I wouldn’t be sucked in if he started claiming his ex was crazy etc.

I have another friend who got together with a man who had split up with his wife & mother of his twins when the twins were tiny. He sold my friend a pack of tales about his ex being a “loon”, when it reality I suspect the truth is he was a lazy arse who could not cope / be bothered with young twins.

Thankfully my friend saw the light & kicked him out (he was also a free-loader and told tales about needing to live at hers, rent free of course, while his divorce finances were finalised).

OP posts:
FigTreeInEurope · 19/02/2023 08:01

I was tempted to do this when my kids where young. Having kids is an overwhelming change for a relationship. I didn't, but I can think off the top of my head of five mates who did. Honestly, it was a battle to stay, and I know my wife found the first few years incredibly hard too. The men I know who did this now life lonely lives, because the younger ow they ran off with reached an age where she wanted kids, and the men ran away again. Every one of those lads is grumpy, bitter and misogynistic. Every one of them moans about how the wife took everything in the divorce. At 50 now, looking back, if I'd done that, it would've been the biggest mistake of my life. I wouldn't touch a bloke like that with a barge pole. Abuse aside, you either stick together through the rough, or you don't. It's basically a choice, based on strength of character.

Original poster
ToyotaCorolla · 19/02/2023 08:19

@FigTreeInEurope i used to work with a man who left wife 1 and kids.

wife 2 then wanted kids. So the guy ended up aged 50-odd with 2 teenagers (with wife1) a toddler and a baby (with wife 2).

Used to spend all his time moaning that all his friends (who presumably stuck with their first wives) had money & freedom and were out cycling & playing golf, whereas he was broke & still changing nappies.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 19/02/2023 08:44

Why is it always the man’s fault?

perhaps the wife is lazy
perhaos the wife just wants money and doesn’t pull their weight
Maybe the wife is doing little around the house while husband works long hours
maybe there is mo intimacy and wide refuses to discuss it

you always see on here advice for women to leave even when they have young children, so that’s ok right?

my point is , while it’s not good, actually no one knows what really goes on behind closed doors and what a marriage, or people within the marriage are like.

i wouldn’t necessarily judge a man for exiting his marriage if he paid maintenance and had the children - but on here you’ll see women refusing or not wanting 50:50 or near ….

laroisenoire123 · 19/02/2023 09:36

The man who leaves young kids and cuts contact with them are narcissistic and selfish. The OW who decides to go with such a man is someone who deludes themselves that she is so special that he will sacrifice his children for her. She is the type of person who is happy for his kids to never ever appear in his life; that means she has his time , attention 100 percent, and that when she has her kids with him, she gains all the financial benefits of not splitting the money pot with his ex and kids. This type of woman is happy that such a man does not care about his kids.

laroisenoire123 · 19/02/2023 09:39

My friend's ex abandoned his kids for 4.5 years, met another woman for 3 years. When his kids entered his life again and needed time and money, she left him one month afterwards. He was past his sell by date.

Gapo · 19/02/2023 09:52

@WitheringTights000

i think you should ask questions like that on the first date.

I left my ex wife when my son was 4. She had an affair, it wasn’t my fault she chose to do that and that was my red line so I left. He may be similar.

Northernparent68 · 19/02/2023 10:14

millymollymoomoo · 19/02/2023 08:44

Why is it always the man’s fault?

perhaps the wife is lazy
perhaos the wife just wants money and doesn’t pull their weight
Maybe the wife is doing little around the house while husband works long hours
maybe there is mo intimacy and wide refuses to discuss it

you always see on here advice for women to leave even when they have young children, so that’s ok right?

my point is , while it’s not good, actually no one knows what really goes on behind closed doors and what a marriage, or people within the marriage are like.

i wouldn’t necessarily judge a man for exiting his marriage if he paid maintenance and had the children - but on here you’ll see women refusing or not wanting 50:50 or near ….

millymollymoomoo is right, you really can’t judge.

startrek90 · 19/02/2023 10:20

CakeIsNotAvailable · 18/02/2023 20:11

You weren't part of their marriage and can have no idea what was really going on. You have no way of knowing how unhappy or incompatible they really were, or if the wife had drug or alcohol or gambling issues, or whether it was a sexless marriage. I'd mind my own business, personally.

I hear this argument from these sort of men and the women they shack up with a lot on here. I don't buy it and frankly it makes the man look worse tbh. Like, not only did you abandon a baby and a toddler but you actually left them with an abusive, drug addicted alcoholic? Really??

I wonder why no one ever asks these men who have crazy/druggie/alcoholic/abusive ex's why they didn't take the children? You read on here all bthe time about women who stay with these men because they don't want to leave the kids with them, but men just bugger off and apparently never think about these kids. Funny isn't it? Almost as if it's
complete bullshit and these men are spinning a yarn so they don't look like the completely selfish tossers that they are...

hay5689 · 19/02/2023 11:10

As someone who's father did exactly the same I'd say people need to realise he's left his wife not his children. It's absolutely ridiculous that people expect someone to be miserable in a relationship until the kids hit a certain age, all I remember is growing up in a household where my parents were both miserable and always arguing, surely it's better for the children not to live in that situation? Also no one truly knows what goes on in a marriage, it's easy to judge without knowing the facts and you'll never get the full truth because each side thinks the other one is wrong.

LoekMa · 19/02/2023 11:15

hay5689 · 19/02/2023 11:10

As someone who's father did exactly the same I'd say people need to realise he's left his wife not his children. It's absolutely ridiculous that people expect someone to be miserable in a relationship until the kids hit a certain age, all I remember is growing up in a household where my parents were both miserable and always arguing, surely it's better for the children not to live in that situation? Also no one truly knows what goes on in a marriage, it's easy to judge without knowing the facts and you'll never get the full truth because each side thinks the other one is wrong.

Its the same abusive trope as in "he can leave but he better not date until the kids are so or so age"

What it actually boils down to is "he better not date until the ex wife finds a new person to victimize" and then after that the narrative is all about how she was rewarded for leaving the man by finding a new man.

So ridiculous

LemonTT · 19/02/2023 11:22

Seriously where does the dim views end? Because the same applies to a woman who chooses not to be with the father of her young children.

If someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship we should accept that. We should support parents who split up to be responsible parents involved with their children and meeting their needs. That’s it.

No child benefits from being brought up in a home where one or both parents dislike or resent the other.

PooHeads · 19/02/2023 11:39

LoekMa · 18/02/2023 20:10

Find the fact that you need to stress she's Childfree very telling. You could've just said "My friend's new man"

You sure her choice to not have kids isn't what is really bothering you? It reads like that

Actually I find the fact that out of the whole post you chose to focus on the ‘child free’ description is very telling about you!
The OP only said that to make the comparison between the OW and the wife he left her for

PooHeads · 19/02/2023 11:46

startrek90 · 19/02/2023 10:20

I hear this argument from these sort of men and the women they shack up with a lot on here. I don't buy it and frankly it makes the man look worse tbh. Like, not only did you abandon a baby and a toddler but you actually left them with an abusive, drug addicted alcoholic? Really??

I wonder why no one ever asks these men who have crazy/druggie/alcoholic/abusive ex's why they didn't take the children? You read on here all bthe time about women who stay with these men because they don't want to leave the kids with them, but men just bugger off and apparently never think about these kids. Funny isn't it? Almost as if it's
complete bullshit and these men are spinning a yarn so they don't look like the completely selfish tossers that they are...

Show quote history

Absolutely this!
Some of these comments are shocking to me! Trying to justify people leaving a relationship, for another person, and leaving very young children is a joke. I suspect they’re being made by people who have either a) been the OW/OM/person who walks out or b) have never been left by their partner at probably the most difficult time of their life ie when you’ve just had a child.

Orangetreexherry · 19/02/2023 11:49

The rule to live by for women - only have as many children, as you can provide for without relying on anyone. Or have only one.

wineNcheeseifYplease · 19/02/2023 12:22

Gapo · 19/02/2023 09:52

@WitheringTights000

i think you should ask questions like that on the first date.

I left my ex wife when my son was 4. She had an affair, it wasn’t my fault she chose to do that and that was my red line so I left. He may be similar.

Do you have your son 50/50? I'm not saying you should have stayed btw.

GreyCarpet · 19/02/2023 12:48

LoekMa · 18/02/2023 20:10

Find the fact that you need to stress she's Childfree very telling. You could've just said "My friend's new man"

You sure her choice to not have kids isn't what is really bothering you? It reads like that

I don't think it reads like that at all.

I think it reads like she's stressing the attraction of a younger woman with no children to consider in contrast with his own situation of two children under 3.

But then I think you know that.

LoekMa · 19/02/2023 13:21

GreyCarpet · 19/02/2023 12:48

I don't think it reads like that at all.

I think it reads like she's stressing the attraction of a younger woman with no children to consider in contrast with his own situation of two children under 3.

But then I think you know that.

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We don't have to agree.

🙂

Talon01 · 19/02/2023 13:48

wineNcheeseifYplease · 19/02/2023 12:22

Do you have your son 50/50? I'm not saying you should have stayed btw.

Show quote history

Wow so instead of having some empathy for someone cheated on beacuse it's a man you have to question him.