Utterly confused by DH’s behaviour

[Whenconfusionsetsin]

I know this might have been addressed on other threads but as my username and title suggests I am utterly confused and bewildered by DH’s behaviour. How do you separate narcissistic traits from autistic traits and how do you know if they are actually abusive or not? I’ve been kept awake crying at night so confused by it all.

What has he done op

How do you separate narcissistic traits from autistic traits and how do you know if they are actually abusive or not?

What would you be doing this for? If you’re awake crying all night because of someone’s behaviour, you shouldn’t be in that relationship. Classifying said behaviour is pretty irrelevant, imo.

Autism is something you can work with narcissism and abuse you can’t. You love and support someone who struggles with autism, you are fighting a lost cause if you are dealing with a narcissist. One means hope for my marriage the other the end.

Dismisses mine and the dc’s feelings even when they are valid. Accusations of being crazy or psycho if he doesn’t approve of my reaction to a situation. Anytime I communicate in anything other than a monotone fashion with no emotion I get accused of shouting.
I also get accused of abandoning him when I head off to bed for the night exhausted or to see friends. I’ve called him on it and he claims he’s joking and that I always take things too seriously. The list goes on.

This man calls you crazy and psycho if he doesn’t like your reactions. Even if he’s autistic, how do you propose to ‘work with’ that?

His behaviour is abusive. A person can be autistic and abusive. The two are not mutually exclusive.

If he calls you psycho what's his good points

If he’s regularly making you unhappy regardless of why then it’s the end op

@AlmostaMamma yes quite possibly abusive and autistic. Absolutely agree that autism, depression etc don’t make you an asshole, I’m just trying to get a better understanding of the situation.

Not many unfortunately, that’s why I’m questioning my marriage

I actually said they don’t mean you’re not an arsehole.

@AlmostaMamma yes sorry, I was combining two different statements/concepts

I have a DC who is autistic, has depression and has been diagnosed with BPD.

Who manages not to be even slightly an asshole.

Being an asshole is a choice. Don't stay with him thinking you can fix him.

He might be autistic. He might be a narcissist. He sounds abusive. Key question is do you want or even need to stay with him....

Dismisses mine and the dc’s feelings even when they are valid

The fact that you are considering that some of your feelings are not valid says it all.

Your partner is abusive, and he doesn't respect you. Whatever that's caused by, it's not something to 'work with'. He is deliberately hurting you. It's like saying 'Someone is holding a gun to my head and saying they'll pull the trigger. But it might be caused by their autism, so, maybe I should stick around?'

It doesn't matter if his autism makes him abusive. You're still in an abusive relationship, and your kids are still growing up witnessing this and learning that that's what adult relationships look like.

He alleges he didn’t realise it upset me and hasn’t said that to me since our last discussion but there are other toxic behaviours in regards to communication.

Malignant covert narcissist.

What else does he do?

Well, regardless of official labels, he’s definitely horrible. You’re allowed to leave even if his behaviour is entirely to do with autism, btw. You’re allowed to leave for any reason, and it sounds like you have several.

Has he actually been officially diagnosed with autism or is it self diagnosed? If self diagnosed, I’m wondering if he uses it as an excuse for abusive behaviour? The behaviour you’ve mentioned doesn’t sound like autism to me from my experiences, but admittedly, I’m no expert.

No not self diagnosed. Strong family history and I had seen traits in him. In fact, when I asked him if he thought he might have traits he shot me down so quickly, wouldn’t even consider the possibility.

Well, first off, is he diagnosed? Or self-diagnosed? Or has someone else suggested it?

If not formally diagnosed, I would want him to seek that. Not you doing it for him, but driven by him.

Secondly, what strategies is HE researching and putting in place to help him with your relationship and in life generally?

Being ND isn't about sitting there saying, this is the way I am, I get to isolate you, gaslight you and make you cry, and then wave the get out of jail card that I'm ND so it's YOU that needs to tolerate everything I do with a smile. He should be making efforts to make the relationship work for you.

Tbh it sounds like abuse to me.

And at the end of the day, intention isn't magic - if you're suffering in a relationship, you shouldn't be in it.

If he's not prepared to accept he's autistic or do anything to help himself, then you're wasting your time.

Relationships need to be a two-way street, not one person doing all the bending and the other riding roughshod.

So he’s not officially diagnosed? He may well have traits, may well be autistic, but the behaviours you listed aren’t behaviours that would diagnose autism. I think he’s abusive OP, and he’s not making you happy either way. Please don’t settle for a man who would treat you with such coldness.

The autism is irrelevant.

You don't like his behaviour so leave.

I believe that my DH is a covert narcissist- this has been a recent ‘lightbulb’ moment for me so I’m still processing it all and also the realisation that I have been held ‘spellbound’ for most of the marriage.
He has always been difficult - sulks whenever I go out but denies he’s sulking and is glad that I can enjoy myself, even calls a visit to my dentist a day out. Resents any attention I give to the children or grandchildren and my family if they visit. Will ruin days out by sulking and bad behaviour. Swears blind I’ve said xyz so that I begin to doubt myself. Makes out that he is a victim to his family and that I am horrible to him and don’t take proper care of him. Takes over and controls conversations I have with other people - even the DGD.
Has some really bizarre behaviour traits and becomes obsessive with things like food or a particular song or phrase or a particular scene from a film. Has no friends or hobbies and is really needy for my attention to the extent of following me around the house to talk endlessly at me. Was unfaithful and had on/off affair for six years but, unfortunately, decided he wanted me. (Yes - I let him back in and regretted it ever since). Of course, he has some good traits too - he can be funny and generous and caring. But I’m also aware that, over the years, I have withdrawn myself from him. I rarely initiate a conversation with him and tend to give monosyllabic replies to him and have learnt to not involve him in any plans. He is only happy if any plans have been of his choosing and automatically says no if I ask. And I have my own bedroom which is my haven. I know this is not a real or true marriage but it is marginally better than living on my own and with significantly less money. So I stay. It works for me but I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone else!