Utterly confused by DH’s behaviour

[Whenconfusionsetsin]

I know this might have been addressed on other threads but as my username and title suggests I am utterly confused and bewildered by DH’s behaviour. How do you separate narcissistic traits from autistic traits and how do you know if they are actually abusive or not? I’ve been kept awake crying at night so confused by it all.

This sounds awful @Rufusroo - when you say it's marginally better than living alone, are you taking into account the damage he's surely doing to your relationships with your children and grandchildren?

In my incredibly sleep deprived state I’ve not explained myself well. The unpleasantness I’ve described is NOT what makes me think he has autism. It’s the rules over routine, not liking busy places, rules over food, what food can be eaten in which order, exact times that alarms can be set for. Inflexibility with adapting to changes in plans if they even go ahead. Obsession over a hobby.

Had a similar situation that I stuck with way too long bc I was debating with myself if he was autistic or narcissistic. Read somewhere key difference is manipulation; that doesn’t help bc how tf do you know if you’re being manipulated. What did your own Google searches come up with?

It doesn’t matter. Treating you unkindly is all you need to know. You’re not happy so end it. Why did you marry him?

Guy I was involved with, in retrospect I think he was probably both; don’t forget that’s possible. Being autistic isn’t an excuse for being a dickhead. Stop wondering what the cause is and look at how you want to be treated instead.

@DontStopMeNow7 I think I’m dealing with both too. I know how I want to be treated but I just don’t know how to make it happen since he won’t change. I’m facing separation/divorce and a nasty custody battle at they are HIS children(note he doesn’t say our children)

I would ask has he always been like this to you/Is he like it with other people. If no, then that is your answer, controllable behaviour he is choosing to inflict on you.

@IncognitoChuckwalla I think I was a bit like a frog in water if I’m being honest. He completely bulldozed a boundary very early on but it was done in such a playful/joking manner that I didn’t realise the implications. He’s continued in one way or another since then.
Like many relationships he became more controlling when I was pregnant with my first dc. It was all done under the guise of doing the right thing for the baby/ safety. However, he stopped me doing an important hobby that I could have easily continued just with better supervision/support.
His family are toxic too. The played the game when we first started dating and even up until our engagement but I’ve lost count of the number of times they have behaved appallingly to me. The Dc all worship my in laws even although they treat me like shit. I was taken aback in the first few years of just how they spoke to each other, I’m far from perfect but I’d never dream of treating other people like that.

Best of luck extricate yourself OP, this sounds very hard.

It doesn't matter if he is autistic. The abusive controlling manipulation does matter. It matters to your children and they need your protection from him. You need protection from him. You can't save that kind of marriage.

@Pixiedust1234 what do I do though as for child custody he’ll be alleging that he wasn’t controlling he just cared

I divorced my narcissistic ex, he said he wanted the children at least 50% of the time , if not 100%.

He has a new partner within weeks of leaving and since then he sees the kids about 1 hour a month.

It’s all about control for these men. They don’t want the kids at all, they just want to use them to punish us.

I really hope so but while the grandparents are still alive they will do the heavy lifting as he will run to mummy. He’s also said in the past that nobody is taking away his children.

You do not have to tolerate living with someone who behaves like this, OP, regardless of what the cause of his behaviour is.

Sorry you’re going through this.
Really recommend you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (easiest to download on kindle app)
I think it’s very clarifying and compassionate.

@samqueens Im actually embarrassed to admit this but I read it back in 2017 when i was questioning my marriage. I’ll find my copy and give it another read with my eyes wide open.

I’m just glad to hear you have a copy you can access! Good luck x

@samqueens thank you so much for the recommendation - I’m just reading it now - very eye opening! Does it give you tools to handle things in it too?

He has other books some of which are a bit more “tools” focused (lundybancroft.com/books/)

I found Why Does He Do That? the most useful as it allowed me to understand why I felt like I was losing my mind! Just being able to name what was happening, and identify the ways it happened - total game changer for me. Before I read the book I used to feel that my mind got taken hostage in the first quarter of any conversation and nothing that was said after that made any sense at all, but always left me feeling to blame. So it helped a lot to feel my experience was being validated by the book.

But there’s good stuff in the others too. I’m just less good at regular journaling etc

What you putting up with this kind of Shit, for ?

Whether he is Autustic or not?

His attitude and actions are emotional abusive and he bloody well knows it,
Stop making excuses for him Op,

He is doing a number on you, so you feel trapped and feel like you have to put with any kind of crap,

Like other poster said you can be Autistic and emotional abusive,

I have noticed quite often some posters really struggle with idea 💡 too,

That a wife can be with a Arsehole who has mental health issues aswell

It's not rocket science to work that out or mutally elusive either

It's life unfortunately for some women 😕 married to someone like that,

Fornately today women are becoming more enlightening wising up about putting up with stuff like this and realising ,
Mumsnet is good at helping some women to see the light out of this tunnel thank fxck for that

I think it's emotional blackmail by him saying he is Autustic,
you feel you have to be more Accommadating about his abusive Behaviour
You feel you are not entitled to look after your own needs to keep your own sanity

When he is with other people who are beneficial to him in some way,

Does he act on his best behaviour often then?

How convenient 🙄 that is
Susprise susprise

I think he is a controlling/manipulative maladaptive control freak Narastistic Arsehole Prick Op

Who happens to be Autistic too

Please do reread Bancroft.

Then put your most sensible realistic head on, someone upthread pointed out that he COULD control his behaviour before, so the fact that he doesn't must mean he is choosing not to - why should he when he's got you pretty much where he wants you; you know his rules and you adhere to them because it's not worth breaking them I bet.

What would happen if you did break one? Almighty hell break loose? A few weeks of sulking?

The sulking I could take, after all if he's ignoring you then you are freer to do as you please, but if he's likely to get even a 'little bit' violent (is there such a thing? I mean blocking you from leaving a room, not physically attacking you I suppose) well, not worth it.

Consider a tiny rule, like which knife to use for cutting cheese and then use a different one. What do you think the upshot of that would be?

I think you know that if you're even considering these things then you're best out of the relationship altogether and well away from him.

Good luck, hang in there. Keep those scales out of your eyes and start making plans.

@Goodread1 it certainly hits a nerve that this is who I chose as my life partner. However, for someone who has never met DH, as sobering as it is, I think you’ve well and truly hit the nail on the head describing him!

@Goodread1 he doesn’t think he has autism, it’s me that’s had suspicions. In fact, he couldn’t shoot me down and dismiss me quickly enough when I asked him if he’d ever considered the possibility

You only live once, so please don't waste it trying to understand why you ended up with someone quite so horrific, it doesn't matter. It worked then it doesn't now. No one gets to ruin your life op. You actually have a lot of power and control as long as you use it to keep your dignity and sanity which is extricating yourself from what is wholly toxic to your soul.

To put things in perspective, my husband makes me happy every day and is kind and thoughtful which is why we will have nearly been married 30 years.

He is bad for your mental and physical health and an appalling influence on any son or daughter you have.

Once your eyes are opened to the damage he's capable of you can never close them again and burying your head in the sand or trying to justify or find explanation for his behaviour is just enabling.
You would need to qualify as a pyschiatric nurse to put up with that and it's incompatible with being a mum so choose which is more important for you.

Good luck 🍀