Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm probably not my DP's soulmate

63 replies

criedariver · 15/02/2023 23:11

NC'd as I'm so embarrassed for the pretty pathetic thread. MNHQ can verify I'm a long time poster.

My DP is a lot older than me and thus has had many more relationships. He was with a woman for 11 years that he said he regarded as the love of his life (she left him). I asked him five months in if I was the love of his life and he said it was too early to tell and didn't want to lie and say undoubtedly yes. We've spoken a lot about the desire to get married but he's not yet asked and if he did, I'd have a nagging doubt that I'm not his soulmate/love of life. He loves me deeply and cares for me a lot, both practically and emotionally but I'm being honest here, I don't know if that's enough if I'm not what he regards as his soulmate. He's a kind man and I love him fiercely but the difference is, I know that he's my soulmate, yet he can't say the same for me. We're in the process of buying a house together and I'm worried because if I'm not the love of his life, I'd rather know but he won't say yes or no. What would you do if you were me?Sad

OP posts:
AdInfinitum12 · 15/02/2023 23:14

Why must someone have a "love of their life?" I've loved people at different stages of my life and they were all different but equally still love. Unrealistic ideas of soulmates and one true love will lead to disappointment.

Original poster
criedariver · 15/02/2023 23:16

@AdInfinitum12 I think others will feel the same, but I worry that he loved someone more than me. Same but different would be fine, but I worry I'm not good enough to be really special for someone Sad

OP posts:
Ihopeyoudance · 15/02/2023 23:16

If I were you I'd stop asking. That way madness lies.

AdInfinitum12 · 15/02/2023 23:21

criedariver · 15/02/2023 23:16

@AdInfinitum12 I think others will feel the same, but I worry that he loved someone more than me. Same but different would be fine, but I worry I'm not good enough to be really special for someone Sad

But these are, with respect, your own insecurities that you're projecting onto him by asking about soulmates and the love of his life. You say he's older and he's had long term relationship(s), it's possible he won't ever love anyone as much again. You need to work out if you're ok with that. My parents divorced after 25 years and although her romantic feelings for him have gone my mum won't love anyone as much as she loved my dad. It's the way it is sometimes. I think comparing his love for others with your relationship will cause so many issues.

bumpertobumper · 15/02/2023 23:21

This sounds like your insecurity talking. And by continuing to focus on this you are feeding it.
You say he is kind and you know he loves you and you love him. Be happy with that. Partnerships grow and evolve, love deepens in different ways along the journey together. Enjoy your journey that you two are on, let go of the fixation about a past relationship he has had. He can't say or do anything to reassure you - even if he did say yea you are the love of my life, would you believe him in your current mindset?
Let it go, be happy with the here and now, accept his love and commitment to you (which he is showing by buying a house with you.)

PauliesWalnuts · 15/02/2023 23:24

It will just be that he loves you and her differently. I’ve loved two men in my life - the first was a mid-twenties, rush of blood to the head thing where we thought we’d last forever but it all came crashing down and I was devastated for about a decade.

I’m now 50 and 3 years into a relationship with the loveliest man. It’s not wildly exciting I guess, and he doesn’t always give me goosebumps, but he’s still the best thing that ever happened to me. I look back on the previous relationship with real fondness and nostalgia but for me there’s no such thing as soulmates.

Pirrin · 15/02/2023 23:25

Hmm I'd actually be more concerned that you aren't a good fit based on this anxiety. He can't change this about his past and he can't speed up the future to compare (not that there's any value in that) to yohnonce you've also been together long term.

That said, I don't think there's anything massively wrong with wanting a partner where you can feel you were the love not each others life, if that's what's important to you. But it really depends why you feel like this - do you have your own past that has created this insecurity? I ask as it would be a shame to sabotage a future with a decent partner because of someone else's historical screw-ups.

Silvergone · 15/02/2023 23:25

Soulmates don’t exist. All you can do is find someone with similar values and aspirations and who you love who loves you back. If you’ve done that, you’re winning.

What you’re really asking is whether or not he loves you more than he loved his ex. Awkward!

But, what an unfair question. You love him loads but if your perfect man appeared who would you love more? It shouldn’t be a competition. Also, perhaps he loved more intensely/naively when he was younger? 18 year old me fell in love fast and obsessively hard, I didn’t experience exactly that with DH but that doesn’t mean I love him less, just means I’m not a teenager anymore.

Lavender14 · 15/02/2023 23:28

I think you can love people in different ways without that affecting the depth of it? And realistically she wouldn't have left him if she was his soul mate would she? There were clearly issues there that he's looking back on through rose tinted glasses for some reason.

I would say I loved my ex more passionately than my husband but it was a really toxic relationship and I would never want to lose myself in someone that much again. So even though its not the same crazy love I have with my husband its deeper and more meaningful and that means more to me because he feels safe and we bring out the best in each other. So I don't think the two are even comparable?

I think you're tying yourself in knots over a concept that's over simplified and you're putting yourself and your relationship under massive pressure and scrutiny as a result. Buying a house with someone is a massive commitment and I think it's normal to have worries and doubts about that. I'd talk to him about it, it could be that because he was so hurt before that he plays his cards a bit closer to his chest now because he's afraid of being hurt again and maybe he needs to know that you need a little more from him in terms of reassurance etc from time to time.

supercali77 · 15/02/2023 23:29

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, if its important to you, then its a problem.

When he said she was the love of his life...was this a comment that came about without you asking him? To me I would just feel odd if a partner said that to me. It automatically invites unwanted comparison.

Lesina · 15/02/2023 23:31

Oh for the love of god. My ‘love of my life’ decided iñon another woman and married her.
He later found some one else and is in the process of divorce.

I got over it and have a brilliant relationship with the man I married and who is the father of my adored child.

Sometimes I fondly think of ‘the love of life’ and wish for that all consuming ‘love’ but I know it would never withstand a Tesco shop.

Its romantic nonsense.

embrace the partnership you have now. It’s 100% more real

MargaritMargo · 15/02/2023 23:32

IF soulmates are a thing - it’s surely not restricted to one?

one person in the whole of the planet of what, 7 billion people?

Do you really know what the likelihood of actually meeting your one true love would be, if that were the case?

It is more realistic to assume that we have the potential to love many people in our lives but that circumstance and timing must be right in order to have a long lasting connection.

I have certainly loved a few men deeply. In different ways at different times in my life.

Treating love as a competition or something you must be the best at isn’t wise, the heart is a complicated place and it’s not a ranking system of who’s loved who the most.

Your partner loves you now, and wants to live with you now and build a future with you, now.
Who he loved in the past honestly isn’t your business and obsessing over it is only going to cause you upset and potentially ruin your relationship.

Work on your own self esteem and stop talking about exs, she is an ex for a reason.

validnumber · 15/02/2023 23:36

supercali77 · 15/02/2023 23:29

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, if its important to you, then its a problem.

When he said she was the love of his life...was this a comment that came about without you asking him? To me I would just feel odd if a partner said that to me. It automatically invites unwanted comparison.

I agree with you.
I also agree with the pp saying it's all romantic nonsense but I would be offended if someone told me I wasn't the one!
How long have you been together op?

MargaritMargo · 15/02/2023 23:37

Oh I should also say I believe our capacity to love and our understanding of ourselves and relationships grows with age.

i love my partner more deeply than any previous man, some of that is to do with who he is as a person but a lot is also to do with who I am now versus who I was in prior relationships at 25/30.

Also the love of my life was my dog. And is now my kids. And myself.
My DH is a lovely addition.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 15/02/2023 23:42

Your sabotaging your relationship here with your low self esteem. He loves you, he wants to be with you, what the fuck else matters?

Love isn't a competition.

Summerfun54321 · 15/02/2023 23:54

Stop worrying if you're enough for him and ask yourself is he enough for you. Is there a reason you think he doesn't love you a lot? What isn't he doing that makes you feel undervalued and not cherished?

StrandedStarfish · 15/02/2023 23:54

I don’t believe in Soulmates. I’ve been married to my husband for 29 years. I’m certain that if I hadn’t met him I would have met someone else and made a life together with them

i think you are putting too much pressure on your relationship

Minteraye · 15/02/2023 23:55

Soulmates is a made up thing, I thought only very young people believed in this. You’re tying yourself in knots over something meaningless. Maybe he doesn’t believe in soulmates either?

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2023 23:56

think by the time you’ve had several serious, long term relationships and shared many major milestones with each of your partners, you realise that there isn’t really a “love of your life” there are simply people you’ve loved and the life you’ve lived. But at some point, those exes became women whom he stopped loving and wanting to be with, and they aren’t you, and it isn’t a competition: he’s chosen to be with you, not them. That’s what makes you special right now, not whether he can line all of the women he’s ever loved up in a line and score them from favourite to least favourite.

And you’ll drive yourself and him mad (and apart) if you keep trying to ask or expect him to.

Minteraye · 15/02/2023 23:59

StrandedStarfish · 15/02/2023 23:54

I don’t believe in Soulmates. I’ve been married to my husband for 29 years. I’m certain that if I hadn’t met him I would have met someone else and made a life together with them

i think you are putting too much pressure on your relationship

Agreed.

This is something I find funny about the soulmates concept.

“No way, and you both happened to live in Basingstoke?”

If it were real, most people would never fall in love because the chances of meeting that one in 7 billion person would be –

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 16/02/2023 00:05

criedariver · 15/02/2023 23:11

NC'd as I'm so embarrassed for the pretty pathetic thread. MNHQ can verify I'm a long time poster.

My DP is a lot older than me and thus has had many more relationships. He was with a woman for 11 years that he said he regarded as the love of his life (she left him). I asked him five months in if I was the love of his life and he said it was too early to tell and didn't want to lie and say undoubtedly yes. We've spoken a lot about the desire to get married but he's not yet asked and if he did, I'd have a nagging doubt that I'm not his soulmate/love of life. He loves me deeply and cares for me a lot, both practically and emotionally but I'm being honest here, I don't know if that's enough if I'm not what he regards as his soulmate. He's a kind man and I love him fiercely but the difference is, I know that he's my soulmate, yet he can't say the same for me. We're in the process of buying a house together and I'm worried because if I'm not the love of his life, I'd rather know but he won't say yes or no. What would you do if you were me?Sad

Make sure you feel loved enough before you go marrying and buying property together. The issue may be partly because he is so much older and has had more experience than you .

Ask yourself if he is settling down with someone who happens to be around because that’s what older men often want to do (and often with someone younger) as they face the prospect of being alone in older age or he really does think you’re special.

I don’t know what age you are but don’t settle for feeling second best. You should talk to him about how you feel

Zanatdy · 16/02/2023 07:54

I don’t believe in soulmates either. I mean yes you can love someone deeply and connect on every level, but I don’t believe that that person is the only other person you could feel that way about. It’s just romantic nonsense I think. When you’re older and in relationships you have to accept that your partner has a past. They’ve loved people before, and when it’s not their choice to end the relationship they can feel cheated and like the person who got away etc. He clearly loves you and is committed in buying a house. Only you can decide if that’s enough for you

Jimboscott0115 · 16/02/2023 08:06

I'll be honest OP, it sounds pretty childish to be demanding to be someone's soulmate or love of their life if all else is ok.

If he loves you and you have a happy relationship, what the hell does a label which means very little have to do with it? I'd be a little more concerned if as an older more experienced person he was throwing these kinds of words around which are broadly reserved for younger people in their intense early relationships.

pictoosh · 16/02/2023 08:16

'Soulmates' is just a romantic notion that we like the idea of and want to invest in. In reality we meet different types of people at different stages in our lives. Who we connect with at one stage may not be who we would connect with at another. Our outlook, circumstances, priorities and preferences shift with events and time.

Your dp is longer in the tooth than you and probably understands this more than you do.

Vallmo47 · 16/02/2023 08:16

It sounds like you’re a romantic OP. :) I used to be, back in the day before I stopped reading so many cheesy romance novels. 😂 Nothing wrong with being a romantic but you need to have your feet firmly on planet earth as well. I used to believe in soulmates, but then I realised … hang on, that’s insane. Why would my soulmate even bump paths with me? Who has planned this? I’m not religious so how on earth did I bump paths with this person, we fell in love and it was meant to be. I don’t know, I just don’t believe in it. I believe in true love though and that it can happen. I’ve found my man, he’s stood by me through very difficult times. He also drives me mad at times and I sometimes wish we had more in common than we do. But we work at our marriage and make compromises and try to please each other every day.
I agree with posters who have said you love people differently and that you shouldn’t be asking him these questions. If anything it would put me off. The way I think of it is - I have five nieces. I love them all. When I spend more time with one of them than the rest, my love for that person grows. Then I see another niece and same happens. But the truth is I always love them all, for different reasons.
He loved his ex very much - then. Now he’s with you and he loves you. I’m sure he’s not spending his days comparing you two to see who is better. He’s with you. I think it’s possible to have more than one love of your life, for different reasons. Please try to leave this chat behind or you might push him away.

Swipe left for the next trending thread