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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm probably not my DP's soulmate

63 replies

criedariver · 15/02/2023 23:11

NC'd as I'm so embarrassed for the pretty pathetic thread. MNHQ can verify I'm a long time poster.

My DP is a lot older than me and thus has had many more relationships. He was with a woman for 11 years that he said he regarded as the love of his life (she left him). I asked him five months in if I was the love of his life and he said it was too early to tell and didn't want to lie and say undoubtedly yes. We've spoken a lot about the desire to get married but he's not yet asked and if he did, I'd have a nagging doubt that I'm not his soulmate/love of life. He loves me deeply and cares for me a lot, both practically and emotionally but I'm being honest here, I don't know if that's enough if I'm not what he regards as his soulmate. He's a kind man and I love him fiercely but the difference is, I know that he's my soulmate, yet he can't say the same for me. We're in the process of buying a house together and I'm worried because if I'm not the love of his life, I'd rather know but he won't say yes or no. What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:

Lcb123 · 16/02/2023 13:35

“Solemates” load of rubbish in my opinion. You meet the right person at the right time, and if you want to be together, you work hard to make it work.

WidthofaLine · 16/02/2023 14:52

I'd be more concerned that he need to tell me his previous partner was the love of his life, exeptions would be a widow who had no choice in the relationships ending.

Why is he doing this, to destablize you, competing with someone's memory.
sounds like the Rebbecca novel playing out.

Just tell him, yes you're right I don't think you are my love of my life either it was Bob who I knew before you, his confessions are not needed.

ittakes2 · 16/02/2023 15:22

I’ve been with hubby about 24 years and never crossed my mind to ask him this question. I think you are comparing yourself to others. Don’t. If you love him and he loves you and wants to care for you and you are happy with this relationship ignore his past.

XmasElf10 · 16/02/2023 16:02

I don’t believe in soulmates either. I have loved a few different guys in my life. Some passionately, some deeply, some gently. I don’t want any of them back now and I’m in a new relationship that is fun and I hope may lead to a new love. Enjoy what you have found, appreciate his love for you and yours for him. Stop worrying about he has loved before, what is in the past no longer matters.

Dery · 16/02/2023 16:06

One PP also picked up on this - there can be a real imbalance of power and experience when a young woman is with a much older man (and vice versa). Is there any particular reason why you have chosen a much older man for your partner?

Bun1 · 16/02/2023 17:33

I don’t think your post is remotely pathetic OP. Ultimately this person has told you a woman from his past is the person he has loved most in his life, ie more than you. I’m not sure who would be jumping for joy being on the receiving end of such a declaration. He certainly didn’t need to share this with you as it’s quite cutting, certainly undermines you and gives him the upper hand by making you feel you’re secondary and not his first choice of life partner. This would certainly not be enough for me and I wouldn’t be proceeding with property, marriage or otherwise with this man.

Johnisafckface · 16/02/2023 18:11

I kind of get it. My ex-fiance was truly the love of my life. We didn't have a toxic relationship but I know I truly and deeply loved him. Took me many years to get over him. I never thought I would love anyone like him again.

I met someone many years later and I fell in love. He wasn't the love of my life but I did love him. I just loved him differently. No less than my ex-fiance but in a different way.

So I'm sure your current partner loves you, especially if he shows you he loves you. He just loves you differently than his ex, but not less than his ex.

Rosa8994 · 16/02/2023 20:56

I don't think you are being silly at all.

I think your age/stage in life is important here. If you are young and without children and emotional baggage youself, I think you should find someone your own age to build a life with.

When I was 21 I was met a man who was 34, and have ended up spending my life with him. I regret it completely. I was never the love of his life. He had had several long term relationships by the time I met him and his heart had been broken by his ex fiancee. In hindsight I realised he pursued me because I was young, and the relationship was very unequal in terms of power.

I am 57 now and about to divorce him. I am divorcing him for a number of reasons, but a very big reason is that he never really loved me. That had a big impact in how I perceived myself over time, it had a corroding effect on my self esteem. The hurt of that continued down through the decades. I wasted my life in this relationship, and I so wish I had ended this relationship decades ago and found someone my own age/ stage.

JustJamie5 · 16/02/2023 21:19

Comparison is the theft of joy!

I remember been at school and people having ‘best friends’… then falling out because the ‘best friend’ did something with another girl etc…. This feeling sounds a bit like that.

Opentooffers · 16/02/2023 21:21

He's just proved that while he was believing someone was his 'soulmate' he got it totally wrong , they weren't and it was all in his head and unceciprocated, so she dumped him. 'Soulmates' is a meaningless word at the best of times, but it certainly wasn't true about the situation he was in.
It was one-sided, he felt the pain of that after and has probably thought that the pain reflects the depth of love, but it doesn't, the loss of an idealised future can be painful as is being rose-tinted about the past, and also the pain of realising how deluded he was when in it with hindsight.
If he loves you, and you love him, it's already better than what he had. A relationship needs 2 people to love to count.

Original poster

criedariver · 17/02/2023 12:44

I haven't read all the replies yet (I will) but @Opentooffers - your post has made me feel infinitely better and very well and kindly put. Thank you.

OP posts:

Pesimistic · 17/02/2023 13:47

I don't think it's too much to ask to be your husbands love of his life, I know if my husband felt that I wasn't he wouldn't be my husband.

GriddleScone · 17/02/2023 17:01

It's difficult to tell from your post if your insecurity is coming from yourself, or from the way that your DP is behaving/ talking about his ex.

I've had two relationships with older men and both of them seemed to be holding a candle for previous girlfriends. Yet when the relationships ended, I discovered that I had become the new 'one that got away' and was being used to make the next gf insecure.

I think it's a nasty tactic, and a decent partner should always make you feel like you are the love of his life.

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