Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I'm probably not my DP's soulmate

63 replies

criedariver · 15/02/2023 23:11

NC'd as I'm so embarrassed for the pretty pathetic thread. MNHQ can verify I'm a long time poster.

My DP is a lot older than me and thus has had many more relationships. He was with a woman for 11 years that he said he regarded as the love of his life (she left him). I asked him five months in if I was the love of his life and he said it was too early to tell and didn't want to lie and say undoubtedly yes. We've spoken a lot about the desire to get married but he's not yet asked and if he did, I'd have a nagging doubt that I'm not his soulmate/love of life. He loves me deeply and cares for me a lot, both practically and emotionally but I'm being honest here, I don't know if that's enough if I'm not what he regards as his soulmate. He's a kind man and I love him fiercely but the difference is, I know that he's my soulmate, yet he can't say the same for me. We're in the process of buying a house together and I'm worried because if I'm not the love of his life, I'd rather know but he won't say yes or no. What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:

CornishTiger · 16/02/2023 08:22

@Lesina Sometimes I fondly think of ‘the love of life’ and wish for that all consuming ‘love’ but I know it would never withstand a Tesco shop.

Such a brilliant way of putting it.

Tuilpmouse · 16/02/2023 08:39

CornishTiger · 16/02/2023 08:22

@Lesina Sometimes I fondly think of ‘the love of life’ and wish for that all consuming ‘love’ but I know it would never withstand a Tesco shop.

Such a brilliant way of putting it.

Indeed... I actually don't want that kind of all-consuming, super-intense 'truly, madly, deeply' love with my well-being being so tightly entwined with another person that I experienced when I was younger, that's implied by the concept of soulmates. It's a recipe for heartache and disappointment, and exactly the kind of soul-searching and anxiety you're currently experiencing OP.

emptythelitterbox · 16/02/2023 08:40

How much older is he and how long have you been together?

Velvian · 16/02/2023 08:47

'Soulmates', 'the one' are absolute BS ideas that are excuse for people to get away with treating another person like shit.

You've chosen to be with your DP and they have chosen to be with you. It sounds like you need to learn to value yourself and learn that you will be fine alone, before you can be happy in a relationship.

TicketBoo23 · 16/02/2023 08:53

Is insecurity/low self esteem/neediness causing you to get into and stay in a relationship with a much older man?

There are lots of issues with women hitching their wagon to much older men; issues that become apparent on threads on here every day.

HermioneWeasley · 16/02/2023 08:55

You asked him 5 MONTHS IN if you were “the love of his life” and he didn’t run for the hills?

you’ve had some good perspectives on this thread. I wonder if you’ll listen to them?

BoredOfThisMansWorld · 16/02/2023 09:19

I will admit to not getting age gap relationships. But one aspect, surely, is the likelihood of the much older partner having greater life experience? That can't be undone. If you want the feeling of being at an equal stage, it might be hard to get with someone who's lived much longer.

AliasGrape · 16/02/2023 09:31

I was with my ex for over 13 years, from being 16. He was my first love (obviously) and we were very very happy for a long time. We were together at such a formative time in my life, went through a lot, had many friends in common, were very intertwined in each other’s families etc.

It ended abruptly and it took me a long while to get over.

I had a short (a year or so) but very intense relationship in the interim. The guy was so gorgeous, funny, exciting, romantic. I never thought I was a passionate, butterflies and fireworks type of person but I was in that relationship. I felt sick with a mixture of excitement, nerves and lust for most of it. I don’t think it was true love exactly but it was certainly memorable and really stands out.

When I met my DH it felt like coming home. I just felt instantly at ease and safe. I knew we wanted the same things and that I could trust him with my life. We’ve built a home, a life and a family together. He never knew my parents though, I don’t have teenage memories of ‘firsts’ with him. He has never made me feel sick with excitement and anxiety (thank fuck). But he’s the person I’ll spend the rest of my life and old age with.

I don’t think any of them were soulmates - very important relationships at certain times of my life. I felt m/ feel very differently about all of them but I’m glad it’s DH I wake up to each morning, parent with and do the Tesco shop with as a pp put it.

Don’t get too hung up on it OP - does your partner love, respect and treat you well? Does your relationship work? Are your needs being met? That’s all you need to think about really.

Original poster

criedariver · 16/02/2023 09:33

Hi all,

I will admit to having a bit too much gin last night there has been huge food for thought on this thread and I'm really grateful for everyone who took the time to post on here. I feel like I've been very silly.

OP posts:

mummymeister · 16/02/2023 09:35

My nan bless her gave me the best bit of relationship advice ever. There is no such thing as Mr Right only Mr Compromise. I have read so many times about people finding their soulmate, the love of their life etc then give it 5 years and they are divorced. Why? because they had unreasonable expectations of the ups and downs in a relationship, the need to compromise the feeling that sometimes you wish your OH would just feck off. This is about your insecurities and not his. so you either deal with them or risk pushing him away. I also think you need to grow up a bit and recognise that all the love and hearts and shit you see on facebook and in the media is just that.

Watchkeys · 16/02/2023 09:40

criedariver · 15/02/2023 23:16

@AdInfinitum12 I think others will feel the same, but I worry that he loved someone more than me. Same but different would be fine, but I worry I'm not good enough to be really special for someone

Then work on your self esteem.

Do you feel good about the way he treats you? Is he lovely to you, does he treat you carefully and respect your wants and needs? Does he listen to you, and take care of your feelings?

It's not up to him to make you feel good, it's up to you. You need to choose someone you can answer 'yes' to all those questions. If he is a 'yes to all those questions', then you need to look to yourself. If you have any 'no's, look at why you're continuing to be in a relationship with him, rather than choosing someone who treats you well.

Maray1967 · 16/02/2023 09:41

mummymeister · 16/02/2023 09:35

Well said. You’ll only push him away if you keep on this track - sounds like he’s a pretty decent man to be honest. I’ve had to deal with a little niggling voice about DH’s ex from decades ago. I’ve accepted that the voice probably won’t totally go away but I’m not going to let it spoil a good thing.

Enko · 16/02/2023 09:41

You don't have to be the love of his life. You have to be his "love" the one he wants to build a life with. The one he wants to grow old with.

Often the love of my life is. Sexual attraction not stabd the test of time.
x left you say so soulmates (something I don't believe in) it was not was it.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 16/02/2023 10:05

No such thing as a soul mate

NathanielSitsOnASpike · 16/02/2023 10:13

criedariver · 16/02/2023 09:33

Hi all,

If you have the spare cash - a few sessions with a therapist could be really helpful, just to help you get your head straight about what's really worrying you.

Are you scared that it won't last? Do you feel as though you'll always be second-best in some way? Have you always had a notion of how relationships 'should' be, and real life doesn't measure up?

Seriously, therapy is small but life-changing magic, and can help you not either a) sabotage a good thing, or b) stick with a sub-optimal situation while thinking 'everything's great on paper, so why am I so unhappy?'.

hekissedmybottom · 16/02/2023 10:15

I think this "soul mate" business is much less common than we're led to believe on a societal level. Much, much less, as in 1% of people get this.

In reality we settle with people with common goals, or rather we should. Especially when it comes to parenting we need to ensure we align on things before having children.

I'm only just realising this and my time is done so it's something I want my daughter to understand. Pairing up is not necessary and unlikely to be long-term. People grow and change or they become stagnant and unfulfilled, and neither situation is conducive to long-term pairing up.

So instead what you need to do is find someone compatible in regards to parenting if you want a family and aim to co-parent with them productively for the sake of children, so you're committing to around 20 years together and that 20 years needs to be focused on your family for the sake of your children.

Before and after that we should be content with being solo so we can follow our ambitions and set ourselves up for later life.

This 'everyone finds their love of their life' it's just absolute nonsense.

vamptable · 16/02/2023 10:37

The sooner you let go of this 'soulmate' stuff, the happier you'll be IMO. No one has a soul mate - just thousands and thousands of people that they're well suited to, and could have a very good life with as a result of that. Some people find one of these people during childhood, some in the next town over, some in Australia while backpacking etc.

If he shows that he loves you, tells you that he loves you, and you love him, there's really no need to be searching for some sort of Disney/fairytale romance.
Also, if his previous relationships were so perfect they would've worked out, so stop comparing yourself there as well.

In kindness, you are doing this to yourself and driving yourself mad with it. If you can possibly seek therapy to improve your self confidence I would

Somanysocks · 16/02/2023 10:40

TicketBoo23 · 16/02/2023 08:53

Is insecurity/low self esteem/neediness causing you to get into and stay in a relationship with a much older man?

There are lots of issues with women hitching their wagon to much older men; issues that become apparent on threads on here every day.

Agree with this, there is a certain amount of immaturity that shows up when a young woman gets with an older man, it's quite sad.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 16/02/2023 10:51

I loved the boyfriend I had when I was 18 so much. He was intelligent, genuinely hilarious, passionate, romantic, creative. He was also completely unreliable, disorganised, chaotic, had problems with alcohol, and ultimately became abusive. In many ways I probably loved him ‘more’ than my husband (whom I love very much) as it was that crazy, ‘head over heels’ type love (which is often unhealthy, if you ask me). But it was an awful relationship and I am much happier and so grateful to be with my husband who is fantastic. I wouldn’t swap for anything. If he ever felt worried about how I felt about my ex boyfriend I would think he’d lost the plot. Unless anything else is wrong it sounds like a non-issue.

Gymmum82 · 16/02/2023 11:15

I don’t think a soulmate has to be a romantic partner. I love my husband however my ‘soulmate’ and the love of my life is my best friend.
We connect on a much deeper level. I love her unconditionally and I know we will never ‘break up’ she will be there until the end.
I don’t think it’s helpful to question whether you’re someone’s love of their life. Romantic partnerships are about compromise, friendship and working well as a team. It doesn’t matter how much he you love someone. If you don’t have those things it’s never going to work

JamSandle · 16/02/2023 11:16

I've had several loves of my life. Enjoy what you have :)

Warspite · 16/02/2023 11:21

@lesina yesterday said this:

“Its romantic nonsense.
embrace the partnership you have now. It’s 100% more real.”

Lesina is right & others have endorsed this.

Livelifelaughter · 16/02/2023 13:14

I am not sure this really is about soul mates. I think it's more about your anxiety and the feeling that he doesn't love you as much as you love him. But, does that actually matter? It may do but it may not to you. I would ask if it's enough for you to be with a man who loves you and you love him back and you're thinking and taking steps towards a future. That would be enough for me, but this is about you.

Hbh17 · 16/02/2023 13:19

I've been married a very long time & I agree that there is no such thing as "soulmates" or "love of my life". If you love and respect each other, want the same things in life and enjoy being together AND apart, then you are onto something.
Romance is for novels and movies, not real life.

xfan · 16/02/2023 13:33

Lots of interesting "narratives" on here and how people explain some relationships. Or course your now DH feels like " home" 🙄if he didn't, it wouldn't fit the narrative of happily ever after... people need a 'reason' to explain what had happened previously, and create a sense of order and control do they explain it away with ' but it wasn't REALLY all that (when at the time) they wouldn't have rationalised these relationships as so 'naïve'.

Flip

1 2 3