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Original poster

Would you inform your exes new partner that they are violent and abusive?

68 replies

Condundrum · 15/02/2023 16:28

Currently in Court proceedings with ex. He has disclosed he is in a new relationship with a new partner with young children, of whom he has unsupervised access with.
Ex only currently sees our daughter once a month in a contact centre owing to significant domestic abuse.
Ex has disclosed he's not discussed proceedings or circumstances of contact with his daughter with new partner. I feel like it's history repeating itself as I only knew of the extent of his abusive history after leaving him.
Would you find a way to tell her? I don't want to put her in danger of course but I'm worried about her and her children, it appears they are already living together.
I know who the new partner is.

OP posts:
ReignBeauDash · 15/02/2023 16:32

Nope.

She won't believe you or thank you, and it puts you at risk of incurring your ex's anger.

Speak to the police instead, I assume you had police involvement? Did you have a liaison officer or similar you could speak to?

Or, just report to social services. They'll have concerns about it and contact her.

Kate8990 · 15/02/2023 16:32

People might disagree and say it's none of your business but yeah I'd tell her! And then it's upto her what she wants to do.
Shouldn't he be serving jail time though if he's been violent and physically abused you?

Quitelikeit · 15/02/2023 16:33

You could call social services and alert them

Kate8990 · 15/02/2023 16:33

Maybe PP is right. Might be better contacting social services but I'd make steps so she's aware

Lkydfju · 15/02/2023 16:33

I think I would especially as there are children involved but be prepared that she may not believe you and you then have to disengage emotionally and leave it there.
I told the new partner of an abusive ex but he’d already “prepared” by painting me as a crazy jealous ex and saying I’d probably make up lies. She was quite nasty to me when I told her. They split up a few months later and I hope that if he did start to show the early signs of abuse that she thought back to what I’d told her and it helped her to leave at an earlier point than I did.

Stickmansmum · 15/02/2023 16:34

I would definitely tell her. What she does with the info is her issue.

Lkydfju · 15/02/2023 16:35

Actually I think maybe I’d contact social services; when I did this I’d moved hours away where my ex didn’t know where I was so I wasn’t worried about repercussions but if there’s a risk of it then I’d be extra careful

Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 16:36

I was thinking either Social Services or Police.. But he lives in her house with her now so I really don't want to put her in danger. Both of her children are primary age. It keeps me awake at night.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 15/02/2023 16:38

Social services need to deal with this not you

I managed to make my exes current girlfriend aware of how dangerous he is her response? She got engaged to him and supports him so he doesn't have to pay child support
Sometimes they are as bad if not worse as the ex

Reugny · 15/02/2023 16:39

I was thinking either Social Services or Police..

Do that.

It is then up to the professionals to tell her if or when necessary.

The children will also have other people - her family, possibly their dad and members of his family, teachers - to report any of his behaviour to.

Zola1 · 15/02/2023 16:44

If you're in court, cafcass should pick up this and make any relevant referrals. This is something that happens often. I'd ring the cafcass officer/Guardian and just say you were a little worried but didn't want to get involved and they will prob reassure you that they'll address those issues

CrescentMoons · 15/02/2023 16:46

Put in writing your concerns to social services and the police.

do not contact her. I assume he does not yet have a criminal conviction - so he is in the eyes of the law currently ‘innocent’ if you were to tell her directly or indirectly the court would not look at this kindly. Email outline all your concerns to police and social services but be very very careful. My ex hit me - didn’t go to go - I go a restraining order but in the eyes of the law - he is innocent as it didn’t go to court criminal but for the children they took the photos and the medical reports at face value and believed them despite no criminal conviction. I believe he never told his work he had a restraining order. I could have told them / but it’s not on me.

Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 16:47

I think what he was trying to prove was that the relationship was only abusive because of me and now he's settled in a family unit with someone else.. We do have a Cafcass guardian but I feel she makes excuses for him so not entirely sure how useful she will be. Cafcass guardian can't recommend unsupervised as ex has extremely damming evidence of him abusing our daughter which she is aware of. We're approaching a final hearing and i believe it'll euygr4

OP posts:
Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 16:48

Pressed send before finishing.
Either be indirect contact or long term supervised 6 times a year.

OP posts:
Scout2016 · 15/02/2023 16:48

Either ask Cafcass officer if there is one to make a report or do so yourself. I would probably do it myself because I would want to feel sure it was done. But yes, definitely report to social services.

rexythedinosaur · 15/02/2023 16:48

If he is only allowed supervised access to your daughter once a month then he will not be legally allowed to live with children and have unsupervised access to them.

You should inform social services and the police.

RunNurseRun · 15/02/2023 16:49

I wouldn’t contact her directly but I would definitely contact the police and/or social work so they can assess the risk to this new partner and her children, especially if either service have evidence of his behaviour towards you and your own child. I work in Child Protection in Scotland and through the DSDAS scheme I know that the police have made new partners aware of domestic abuse in previous relationships their partner has had but not sure if there is a similar scheme in the rest of the UK.

Sadly I think if the information came from you direct, he would probably manage to persuade her that you were being malicious towards him.

threecupsofteaminimum · 15/02/2023 16:55

Omg definitely let her know. He's an abuser ffs.

How you go about it is something you need to tread carefully with.

Personally I wouldn't trust the police to do anything constructive so perhaps contact SS and see what they advise.

Good luck.

JanglyBeads · 15/02/2023 16:58

If he's disclosed (the term used in the OP) it in court/ to professionals, they'll already be on it tbh. It wouldn't hurt to just ring social services and say you wanted to double check, though.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 15/02/2023 17:20

Don’t tell her directly as it puts you both at risk, but definitely talk to social services and the police

caramac04 · 15/02/2023 17:24

Has he got any convictions for dv? I’d so you could put in an application online for Claire’s Law. The police would then inform new partner.

Dery · 15/02/2023 17:42

Agree with PP - let social services be the ones to tell her. The one time I warned a young woman colleague about how violent her new boyfriend was (I was young myself, had never dated him but had heard he was violent to partners and seen his nasty side in action), she repeated it all to him, passed on my contact details and he rang me up to threaten me - I happened to have moved away shortly after warning her about him so he couldn’t actually get to me. I was worried for friends who had remained local and warned them but I don’t think there was any fallout for them - they kept out of his way generally anyway. He really was a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 17:55

caramac04 · 15/02/2023 17:24

Has he got any convictions for dv? I’d so you could put in an application online for Claire’s Law. The police would then inform new partner.

Yes he does plus a non molestation order and a former restraining order. I did a Claires law when i left him and found out.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 15/02/2023 18:14

Because she has children at risk, I'd find a way to tell her, and remind her that she can make a Clares Law request to check it's true.

<www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/alpha2/request-information-under-clares-law/>

Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 18:30

I think I may raise it to the guardian first and see what she says.. I imagine she must have to investigate it as children are at risk.

OP posts: