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Original poster

Would you inform your exes new partner that they are violent and abusive?

68 replies

Condundrum · 15/02/2023 16:28

Currently in Court proceedings with ex. He has disclosed he is in a new relationship with a new partner with young children, of whom he has unsupervised access with.
Ex only currently sees our daughter once a month in a contact centre owing to significant domestic abuse.
Ex has disclosed he's not discussed proceedings or circumstances of contact with his daughter with new partner. I feel like it's history repeating itself as I only knew of the extent of his abusive history after leaving him.
Would you find a way to tell her? I don't want to put her in danger of course but I'm worried about her and her children, it appears they are already living together.
I know who the new partner is.

OP posts:
TwonkyTwonk12 · 15/02/2023 18:33

Quitelikeit · 15/02/2023 16:33

You could call social services and alert them

This^

Emmamoo89 · 15/02/2023 18:40

The police should tell her

Emmamoo89 · 15/02/2023 18:41

Or tell social services

AaaaaandBreathe · 15/02/2023 18:52

I agree let social services know then chase it up to make sure someone has told her.

I never understand people saying 'don't tell her, she won't believe you'. If my children were at risk you can believe I'd want to bloody know about it! They are more at risk not knowing. He might have already shown some red flags but manipulated or lied his way out of it. Obviously he'll already have blamed you for seeing your DC supervised.

I'd contact both SS and police tbh. Ask police to tell her she is able to do a Claire's Law request. They did that with my friend. She didn't take up the offer but left him anyway.

Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 19:05

I can imagine the picture he's painted of me as a woman scorned who is withholding access. I'm more concerned about him actually living with her now.. After a few short months.. I think this also shows poor judgement on her part. I would want to know absolutely everything about a potential man around my children.
I worry that history will repeat itself.
He's got police convictions for domestic abuse with other partners also.. It's awful. He's not changed. He's behaved appallingly during court proceedings

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/02/2023 19:08

This shouldn't be down to you. It sounds as if he hasn't been convicted of abuse of your daughter? If there is evidence, why not?

Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 19:19

Findings in court were made against him but prior to that police didn't prosecute. I can't say why as its v outing but i did try.

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/02/2023 19:26

Okay in that case I think you escalate it to the guardian, and the police, and do so in writing. No good can come of you trying to contact the GF directly, she won't believe you and it could increase your own danger.

marly24 · 15/02/2023 19:28

Having been through the court process myself I would saying it's hugely important not to just the waters for your own highly stressful and not-yet resolved situation. On that basis I would definitely say don't get involved yourself. Of course it's important for her to know. I would think the best way is for someone else to tell her - either someone you know who might know her, or via another official channel that will definitely keep your name out of it. As you say, she won't believe you anyway, is likely to tell him and that it then likely to affect things for you. Try another channel.

Belle96 · 15/02/2023 19:29

Condundrum · 15/02/2023 17:55

Yes he does plus a non molestation order and a former restraining order. I did a Claires law when i left him and found out.

Show quote history

Can I ask, if you don't mind. Did the non molestation order come up when you did the Claires law application?

Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 19:36

marly24 · 15/02/2023 19:28

Having been through the court process myself I would saying it's hugely important not to just the waters for your own highly stressful and not-yet resolved situation. On that basis I would definitely say don't get involved yourself. Of course it's important for her to know. I would think the best way is for someone else to tell her - either someone you know who might know her, or via another official channel that will definitely keep your name out of it. As you say, she won't believe you anyway, is likely to tell him and that it then likely to affect things for you. Try another channel.

I did think this as well and selfishly, I don't want to put myself and DD at further risk. He would know instantly it would be related to me if social services contacted her. I suppose my best bet is to raise it with the Guardian and ask her if she will do anything about or is she concerned about it. Tbh, I'm shocked he's admitted all this

OP posts:
Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 19:37

Belle96 · 15/02/2023 19:29

Can I ask, if you don't mind. Did the non molestation order come up when you did the Claires law application?

Show quote history

Yes, his former restraining order was noted to me when I did the disclosure.

OP posts:
Parisj · 15/02/2023 19:43

I was told the police can decide to send a 'Richard letter' in this circumstance, so I would pass your concerns to police, social services or multi agency safeguarding hub.

catlady4lyfe · 15/02/2023 20:36

Yes I 100% would.

Zola1 · 15/02/2023 20:43

The Guardian or the Court should 100 percent have already ensured that the LA are aware...does your child have a SW if findings made against her Dad?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/02/2023 22:06

No

Original poster
Condundrum · 15/02/2023 23:30

I will speak to the guardian next week about it.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 16/02/2023 00:09

If she has such poor boundaries she's moved him in with her children this soon, she's very unlikely to believe you if you tell her due to those poor boundaries, which he will have taken advantage of by manipulating her and painting himself as a victim in all this.

Agree to definitely tell social services / police that he's moved in with a woman and her children. From there, it's up to them to decide what course of action to take.

But I fear her not believing it will still be the outcome.

mathanxiety · 16/02/2023 00:13

Calling social services is the sensible way to approach this. It is the only way to have any chance of safeguarding the children.

If you know where this woman's children go to school, alert the safeguarding lead in the school.

Give details of the restricted access to his own children in both reports, and emphasise that you know he has not told his GF about this.

Lavender14 · 16/02/2023 00:15

Id go down the route of letting social services know because they'll be able to follow it up. She might not believe you, he's probably told her lies about why he has contact in a contact centre or she'd likely have run a mile if she knew the truth. Social services will be able to look into his past and can be around to pick up any issues going on with them. It also means they can help her get out if she needs it/ recognise any abuse that might be happening as its difficult to see the wood for the trees sometimes. I would prepare for a backlash though so I'd do it anonymously and then report anything to the police and keep a record. If its anonymous then hopefully it can't go back to you. To be honest I'd also be inclined to speak to the social worker and be honest but explain that you're worried about your safety/ your daughters safety and he needs to not know it came from you. They should respect that and it will hold more weight than an anonymous tip off.

mathanxiety · 16/02/2023 00:17

There's 'poor boundaries' and there's out and out grooming/ love bombing - call it what you want.

This abusive man has identified a vulnerable woman and has manipulated her. He has a history of similar behaviour behind him.

They have a sixth sense for that little weakness. It's not the woman's fault that she was perhaps once a child in a dysfunctional family.

ElliF · 16/02/2023 00:24

Just my opinion...
I’d leave them to it.
She’s formed a relationship with a man she doesn’t know and she has young children in her home.
So we already know she values her own needs over the safety and well-being of her children.
She knows for definite that her chosen partner and stepdad to her children is in court because he has been accused of domestic violence.
She has the ability, as you did, of finding out his domestic violence history, which apparently she does not which to know.
It is none of your business if a desperate single mother wants to knowing have a relationship with a domestic abuser whilst he is in court fighting custody’s with an ex, having been accused of domestic abuse.
She likes bad boys and probably thinks she’ll be the one to tame him.
If you still have contact with the police, maybe just ask, “Have you warned her? I’m only asking cos she has young kids.” But unless it comes up naturally, I’d leave them to it.
She knows what she’s getting into and she’ll get what she wants out of the relationship regardless of what you do.

Goodread1 · 16/02/2023 00:34

Hi Op

You should check with Police that your violent ex partner is definitely on claires Law, I think it's called , this is literally what it is ment for,
(Its domestic abuse equivalent to a sex offender register list,

Also inform local social services department tip them off about your ex partner abusive ways ect,
As we all know it's 100 percent safe guarding issue. Period..

SocialLite · 16/02/2023 00:44

Condundrum · 15/02/2023 23:30

I will speak to the guardian next week about it.

Don't wait!

I wouldn't even go through the guardian anyway as that adds an extra layer for things to get lost and extra delays in time.

Go straight to social services and police- even better if you live in an area with multi agency safeguarding hubs as that only requires one contact for both.

You could also put in a Claire's Law request for her as well, but I would not be accusing you contact her directly or indirectly yourself as it would increase the danger to both of you- the police would manage a disclosure to her to mitigate that.

SpinningFloppa · 16/02/2023 00:46

Personally no j wouldn’t, my ex was abusive but I have no intention of informing new partners, I keep out of his business and don’t police his relationships, if they want to know they can do a Claire’s law not up to me to get involved