The other woman.....

[shouldistayorno]

I had unknowingly participated in someones "extra curricular" marriage activities for over 3 years. I felt like I'd been misled and duped into this situation when I was vulnerable and my self esteem was on the floor. Had I known at the time, I would not have even started it or carried on.

We met, online, and dated for a while but as I had come out of a long term relationship (10 years) I didn't want anything serious and was satisfied with it being on my terms when I was free and available. This continued for over a year and it was working for me and I was happy. I had started to get feelings but was conscious I didn't want to get too deep and was focused on work and my DD. This continued for another year, I then saw that he had been meeting another woman and decided to cool things off and reassess my involvement. I decided to date others at the time but we always came back together when that didn't work out. I decided to finally call it off and then randomly through a mutual friend, came across something that proved to me that he was married, and had been for the majority of our "situationship". Not only had he been in a relationship for around 3 years before he met me, but they got engaged, married and pregnant in the time we were "together".

We only met once after I found out about his relationship, and that was nearly 3 years ago. He told me he had not been satisfied in the relationship, which is completely untrue as they got engaged, married and had a baby. He could have left if he had wanted to, but i assumed wanted his cake and to eat it.

I wrote a letter to his wife, explaining briefly what had been happening, when and how with the view of anonymously sending it, but the next day I found out she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin or make it any more stressful, I didn't send the letter and I never told her about it.

I have had counselling and undertake my own "path" to trying to move on from it but its still destroying me. I haven't had a relationship since as I don't trust myself or any potential partners.

I feel like me telling her would almost be considered as selfishly just "getting it off my chest". Do I just move on and forget it?
Would you want to know?

Its taken me a long time to come to terms with how destructive my behaviour and participation has been in this situation and it is destroying me but here is an overview as to what I'm dealing with; Do I, or Don't I? I'd want to know if it was me, but I hate that I've unknowingly participated in something that could destroy another woman and their family.

Additionally, extra context is that he has tried regularly over the last few years to speak to me, meet with me, sent me gifts to get my attention and just been a pest until I changed numbers and moved house.

Yes regarldless of your motives I think this woman has the right to know how her sexual health is being put at risk.

It sounds like he was shagging about whilst she was pregnant and that's really not good.

I think if it's played on your mind this long, I would tell her. She does deserve to know too.

Maybe start off with a sorry about not telling her sooner (but, the baby thing) and how even now he keeps trying to contact you - and it's spurred you to decide to tell her now.

Good luck. Make sure there's no return address on the envelope.

We had always used protection without fail, but there is a risk that if with others he didn't. Logically I thought that that would be checked during early pregnancy so had thought the risk was minimised that way.
But i do agree its a selfish thing and shjoudl be considered. thanks for the input x

Hmm...just rereading g your last laragraph though infact.

Just be aware, men who don't take 'it's over' for an answer can sometimes turn dangerous. So any sign of him showing up again if you do warn her: police.

I wonder if there's a way you can tell her without him finding out/funding out it was you that told her.

It is risky op. I like to think we should look out for our fellow women but just be prepared it might have consequences.

I just worry that in transferring it from me to her, I'm just transferring the burden over. And maybe as there's been so long since physical contact she wouldnt be bothered.
Also aware i shouldnt gate keep that for her.

Its such a difficult situation :(

If she wouldn't be bothered that's her call to make, you shouldn't make assumptions and use that as a reason not to say anything.

You should tell her and let her decide if she wants to tolerate that, sort it out or split from him.

You have not caused this pain (mostly), her husband did. Most people want to know even if its hurtful. Living in ignorance doesn't make it better.

This has been my exact concern :(
I am fearful, for myself and my family.
this is why it’s so difficult.
im torn as to “let sleeping dogs lay”.
essentially in telling her, I’d just be causing a huge issue which could potentially blow up in my face and be dangerous.

I wonder if there's a way you can tell her without him finding out/funding out it was you that told her.

Write the message from the perspective as a friend, but give away a detail that shows it's true. Possibly. If you do that and she still doesn't believe it then that's her business from that point.

"Its taken me a long time to come to terms with how destructive my behaviour and participation has been in this situation and it is destroying me"

Just to say: this is really unfair on yourself. You didn't knowingly 'participate' in anything - you were misled by this arsehole, just as much as the other woman was.

When you found out about his wife you ended things right away, and you're agonising over how to do right by her without jeopardising her health/stress levels in pregnancy. You've done everything right, to the best of your powers.

Don't blame yourself for his selfish actions. The guilt is not your burden to carry.

Be honest with yourself, do you want to tell her because she deserves to know?

Or is it because you're angry and you want there to be some kind of repercussions for the person who duped you, who other wise seems to be getting off scot-free and has had their cake and eaten it?

How would you feel the moment after you posted that letter? Will you feel free and justified or hugely anxious? Will you feel better or worse?

Its taken me a long time to come to terms with how destructive my behaviour and participation has been in this situation and it is destroying me

I don't understand this. Do you feel a sense of guilt? Because obviously you shouldn't. You didn't know, and even if you did things after you knew or after you had suspicions, he had reeled you in by then, you were being deceived and manipulated.

She has a right to know but you also have a right to not be lied to. You have a right to live a happy life. You have a right to forgive yourself for any guilt you might feel you carry. You can't know how she or he would respond to a letter. He might spin a lie. She might be angry with you more than him.

And you're under no moral obligation to tell her if you don't want to. Your only obligations are to you and your family.

I'm not sure in your case that telling will relieve your pain over this. It might not provide the closure you're looking for.

I think this is why I’ve held off, bevause I don’t know if it will “unburden” me or not.
it’s good to see from others perspectives too.
yourr right in that the anxiety eill
ptobably be intense afterwards and may not be as freeing as I had hoped.

I had previously wanted repurcussions for him, but I think in knowing my last relationship cheated and I carried on for years unknowingly and felt like I’d wasted half my life, I just felt she may feel cheated out of a loving relationship/home.

it’s not my place to say either I guess, but I’m a believer of people making informed choices. And you’re right/ I was deceived but I do still carry a lot of guilt for not realizing sooner or maybe ignoring the signs x

What do you mean fearful for your family? Is he in a position of power?
You say you don't trust yourself and seem to feel so guilty when the normal reaction is not to internalise the guilt. Are you not telling us the full story? Were there signs that you chose to overlook? Have you tweaked the story to avoid judgment? The normal situation is that you wouldn't go over a year and not figure out he was with someone and that you wouldn't feel guilty about something you genuinely knew nothing about.

Regarding condom and this gets told a lot, condoms don't protect against everything. Presumably oral sex was unprotected and skin on skin you can catch herpes 1 and 2. Furthermore, you can get chlamydia and gonorrhea in your mouth and throat. It's possible to get throat cancer from HPV. So condoms are not a guarantee of no STIs absolutely.

Yes informed choices, a basic human right.

Lies never helped anyone.
Do the right thing.

Having read your update I suppose the guilt is for turning a blind eye because it was convenient for you not to dig any deeper. I would have told her then. Too much water under the bridge now. If you must tell her, you better supply some strong indisputable evidence with it.

I’d leave it to be honest.

I dont see anything 'gatekeeping' about telling someone the truth and letting them decide what to do with it.

But based on your updates I think I actually inclined to say leave it. If you already instinctively feel he us a threat.

Or simply write an anonymous letter of 'he's cheated on you. Please read up on how to spot narcissistic personality disorder. I believe he js one of those. Stay safe'.

That way she might be able to read up on the signs of abuse. And he will be abusing her btw. It's clear from how he treated you when you tried to leave. Let her learn how to see what he is herself and come to her own conclusions.

Personally I would let sleeping dogs lie and just try and move on with my own life, especially as you seem to feel there may be repercussions for you/your family.
The relationship wasn't your fault, you were misled and you did the right thing ending it.
In my opinion it's time to let it go and focus on the future. Not your business to concern yourself with their relationship; you really don't owe her anything - your concern should be you and your family.

@been and done it. how does your name have spaces and a full stop????

Sorry to hear you found yourself in this situation. But you were not really misled if you agreed from the start that you meet on a casual basis. Did you ask him from the get-go if he was single? Did you from the start specifically discuss exclusivity, what happens if someone meets someone serious etc.? The guy was utterly dishonest, but unfortunately you opened the door for these things to happen when agreeing to it being casual... Sending the letter won't bring you any closure. Try to move on with your life op!

Any woman being or has been cheated on deserves to know so they can make an informed choice about their own future.

She might not thank you for telling her.

My b-i-l had an affair with a close friend of my s-i-l.

The other woman's husband (let's call him Kevin) found out and immediately ended their relationship.
It came as a complete surprise to everyone, but Kevin kept his powder dry, which looked even more mysterious.

About 3-4 months later, my lovely s-i-l found out what had happened. In their marital bed and while she was pregnant, too.
When the dust settled, she realised why Kevin had ended the marriage so abruptly, but also why he didn't say anything about it.

OP, I wouldn't want to be the person who told this man's wife. The look on her face would live with me.

Your comment comes across quite judgey- I wasn’t in a committed serious long term relationship or living with him, but we were involved with eachother for that time.
Signs I guess in terms of:

• at the beginning he was keen to make things more serious whereas I was not.

-he told me he didn’t have social media whereas actually I found out recently he had just blocked me all along.

• I guess I was strung along and couldn’t handle the non/serious nature that it was hence my going back and forth a good few times. I blamed myself that I wasn’t good enough and maybe If I lost weight:tried harder then I’d feel good enougb etc.
• i never asked for it to be anything more than it was during that time, so I had no reason to ask for anything else as I didn’t want it. It was casual. FWB situation if you like.
• Im not scared of judgement on it, I meant scared as you don’t j ow how people would react when you come in and drop a bombshell like that on them. He could be angry, likely angry- if I ruin things for him.

selfishly yes I probably just wanted retribution. The more I read, the less likely I am to tell anyone in real life anyway. I have just got no idea how to move on from it emotionally and it feels really deceptive and therefore where my trust issues with myself to regulate things internally comes from. Too much water under the bridge and too many years. I just would have wanted to know when it was being done to me.

Yes this is exactly how I meant to explain it. Thanks for the advice and it’s likely the advice that I will take.

It’s not my intention to hide behind anything and I’m not wanting sympathy, I’m just kind of at the end of my tether with trying to make it better mentally for myself. And it’s like a “dirty little secret” that has been eating me inside.

Thanks - I’ll have a proper read of everythinb and try to move on positively.
feels like a bit of a weight off my shoulders in seeing other peoples outside opinion with the limited information here.

the position of power thibg is a genuine concern for me at the moment and I have to try and protect myself and my family emotionally.

i do worry about things we’ve shared( probably messaged and photographs and everything else over the years. Not easy a woman to recover from things like that being shared too I guess.
There’s definitelh a stigma even if people don’t recognize it initially.

I don't know OP, I'm inclined to let sleeping dogs lie. Life is messy, people do shitty things. You don't like how it's made you feel, make your own peace with that and that's fine. I would worry anything more runs the risk of backfiring or entrapping you into some kind of unjustified penance.