The other woman.....

[shouldistayorno]

I had unknowingly participated in someones "extra curricular" marriage activities for over 3 years. I felt like I'd been misled and duped into this situation when I was vulnerable and my self esteem was on the floor. Had I known at the time, I would not have even started it or carried on.

We met, online, and dated for a while but as I had come out of a long term relationship (10 years) I didn't want anything serious and was satisfied with it being on my terms when I was free and available. This continued for over a year and it was working for me and I was happy. I had started to get feelings but was conscious I didn't want to get too deep and was focused on work and my DD. This continued for another year, I then saw that he had been meeting another woman and decided to cool things off and reassess my involvement. I decided to date others at the time but we always came back together when that didn't work out. I decided to finally call it off and then randomly through a mutual friend, came across something that proved to me that he was married, and had been for the majority of our "situationship". Not only had he been in a relationship for around 3 years before he met me, but they got engaged, married and pregnant in the time we were "together".

We only met once after I found out about his relationship, and that was nearly 3 years ago. He told me he had not been satisfied in the relationship, which is completely untrue as they got engaged, married and had a baby. He could have left if he had wanted to, but i assumed wanted his cake and to eat it.

I wrote a letter to his wife, explaining briefly what had been happening, when and how with the view of anonymously sending it, but the next day I found out she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin or make it any more stressful, I didn't send the letter and I never told her about it.

I have had counselling and undertake my own "path" to trying to move on from it but its still destroying me. I haven't had a relationship since as I don't trust myself or any potential partners.

I feel like me telling her would almost be considered as selfishly just "getting it off my chest". Do I just move on and forget it?
Would you want to know?

Its taken me a long time to come to terms with how destructive my behaviour and participation has been in this situation and it is destroying me but here is an overview as to what I'm dealing with; Do I, or Don't I? I'd want to know if it was me, but I hate that I've unknowingly participated in something that could destroy another woman and their family.

Additionally, extra context is that he has tried regularly over the last few years to speak to me, meet with me, sent me gifts to get my attention and just been a pest until I changed numbers and moved house.

I did open myself up to it being non-serious initially, but on the premise that if we were dating someone seriously or met someone else then we would agree to end it with us. I understand what you’re saying to a certain extent, and I asked if they had an open relationship and the answer was no and that he was disappointed in himself for not telling me and hurting me and hurting them in the process.
but then continued to try and keep doing that: for multiple years. Even still as recently as December until I changed my number.

Thanks for all your comments/ sorry if I’ve replied snappily. I guess it’s been eating at me for so long it’s hard to see it in black and white.

I can see all sides presented and I want to read through everything again.
I didn’t dig deep enough; there was betrayal from his side and he misled me hugely. But I do need to make peace with myself.

peace is as important as “justice” in This instance x

I don't think I would tell her, but I would make sure HE knows, that YOU know, and that you have been thinking about whether you should write to his wife...
Let him shit himself. Let him suffer. Bastard.

No don't tell her that's shitty she will find out what he's like and then she can deal.

You need to move on snd work on your happiness.

Obviously never speak to him again or contact him.

She does deserve to know, but it's not necessarily your place to tell her. You shouldn't feel guilty for not telling her if you feel that's best for you in terms of protecting you and moving on.
You did nothing wrong. He is at fault. I would try to drop it and put it completely in the past. If you don't know this woman personally socially or anything (which obviously you don't) there's no real moral imperative to track her down and spill the beans. He's obviously an arsehole and will fuck around and get found out soon enough

Thanks for your reply. And no I don’t know her personally, but I do through mutual friends by complete fluke.
We now have more mutual friends of which I’m going on holiday with, so it really was time for me to either say something and deal with the consequences or just move on.
I think I will be trying to book in a few more councellibg sessions to work on my resilience and moving on completely with my life. Sad that I’ve allowed it to make me feel this way, so the frustration is most definitely with myself.

Oh dear...if you're hanging out with her mutual friends you're obviously going to say something at some point. It's a matter of if and how, not when.

Especially if you're going on holiday with them.
4 sangria in on night 3 and it'll be loose lips sink ships. Or the second her or her relationship is mentioned.

Dear Mumsnet, I've just come back from Benidorm and learned something terrible from a friend who knows my friend, what shall I do??

I have been in your situation although it thankfully was less than 3 years - half of that time. There was no baby though as he actually was already married and had denied it. When I did find out I was desperate to hurt him as much as I had been hurt and got as far as their street where I was going to put something through the front door. That made it seem more real and more serious and I decided not to - a decision that I am so glad now that I made. When you roll with pigs you get muddy and there were some muddy pigs in that sty as it turned out. Like yours he still continued to contact me until I changed my number too. I left him in the past, started a new life and am so grateful that I kept my cool.

I wish I hadn't been told. Caused me lots of misery and I hated her for choosing to tell me. She told me because he had finished it.

I would want to let him know that I know so that he stews and sweats.
In reality, it might not be the best thing to do because then you have had contact with him.
I'd personally want to know. Not everyone is like me, some don't want to know.
It's a tough one. I know one of my uncles has a secret daughter (same age as his daughter with his ex wife). My cousin doesn't know, it's not something I would ever divulge, it's not my place to do that. I think his ex wife probably has an idea this may have happened.
I think it's a shitty situation OP.

Don’t blame yourself. You were an innocent party in all this - he led you up the garden path. As far as you were concerned, he was available. He deceived his wife, not you.

I think this was part of my logic previously; as I thought maybe it was an open relationship as how could she not know. There were never limits on callls/FaceTimes/visits, weekends away etc. but I believe the wool was well and truly pulled over her eyes.
I do think part of it has been to hurt him, but I haven’t wanted to destroy her in the process.
i beleive it’s likely best I leave it as is.
and the comment about the mutual friends- it’s how I found out they were married.
started a new job in a totally new field, made some new friends, and then mutual friend suggestion on Facebook dropped the bombshell.
So I’ve not sought out the issue, and geographically I’m not near them either due to WFH.

No
all you can do is 10000% cut all ties and move on
stay single
do some work
forgive yourself x

it was shit but it’s OVER and you are free
time is a healer and he was in the wrong and not you

Thank you, I also think it’s time to forgive myself and move on .
many tears shed again today, mostly of relief x

I'd stay quiet and try to move on with my life. There I'd nothing to say she will belive you plus he could track you down/be dangerous. There is no positive outcome from telling her that I can see.

So the hiatus of contact stopped......we "bumped into eachother" at a work event last week and my heart and head has been in tatters ever since.

Long story short is that he asked me to stay with him (he had heard which hotel I was staying in from colleagues in the days before) and booked the same one and waited in the lobby for me to check in. Bearing in mind we live over 200 miles way from eachother.

I was with friends so I managed to disappear up to my room and ignore him even though he kept trying to get my attention and speak to me. My fight or flight mode kicked in and I ran.

I couldn't deal with the pressure of knowing he was there, and went to reception the second time where I asked what he was doing there and why he wanted to speak to me. He was apologetic and charming as usual saying how he missed me and wanted to see me etc, and that I should stay the night with him to talk.

I didn't, but my heart/ego/brain/soul is in pain, like it feels like physical pain. The feelings have been over whelming and I am exhausted trying to process it.

I asked him if he had an agreed arrangement in his marriage or whether he was single now, knowing his is not, and he said he doesn't/wasn't but he had missed me too much and didn't feel himself without me etc etc etc.

Panicked feelings followed and I left him in the lobby and made sure to stay with my friends, but he has contacted me numerous times since. I still can't get this out of my mind to let sleeping dogs lay. I'm emotionally reacting and the power it has had over me is intense!!! Conscious that its also coming from a place of wanting to be chosen (but by anyone and not specifically him as i know he is deceitful).

For your own sake you need to block him on everything. Don't mean to sound mean but it sounds like he was hoping for a convenient leg over as you were both at the same hotel. He sounds bad news and you need to, however it hurts, put your big pants on and ignore him
You can do it 👊🏻

Yeah i absolutely agree he was, he told me he has feelings for me so I asked what he envisaged and he said he "loved me and that the feelings still haven't gone after all these years so clearly there is something that needed to be explored"
2017 - 2023 with only a year of no contact in the middle which was when my big girl pants were on.
I think its the hope of it in my head, but in reality if he can disrespect his wife that way constantly throughout their relationship then he is not great at relationships and i'm clearly not healed to recognise that. I'm clearly not the only one :( it seems to come too easily for him.

You deserve so much more 🤗

You're too kind, honestly. I don't feel like I deserve anything. Its so consuming over the "shoulda woulda coulda" from the many years of tormenting myself and ignoring the red flags! So frustrating !

I was the wife in this scenario, and I so wish I had been told by someone.

I have also been the partner in this scenario :( which I think is why its caused so much torment and conflict. Life is so so so messy but it doesn't need to be this messy.

I've been so close to not being able to deal with the thoughts over the last few years and I am likely resentful he clearly has no guilt. I'm mindful not to transfer that over to the innocent party in this who is his wife :(

I'm ashamed.

@shouldistayorno I think the most important thing is to protect yourself. He obviously knows which of your buttons to push so you need to ensure that as many of the avenues he can use to get access to you (social media, email, mobile etc) are blocked to him so you are less and less available to him. I would Grey Rock him during any times it's unavoidable that you meet and stay in a trusted group when necessary. He will be persistent, as he's made quite an investment in time on you in the past, and will think that, at some stage, you'll capitulate and go back to how things were.

I think getting some counselling for yourself is a good idea to help give you strength and focus to rebuild your life from this point on. Also, I'm not sure I'd say anything to his wife, purely for your own mental self preservation. Stay strong. 🌹

Thank you for being kind - I have actually been to therapy/counseling last year to try and work through these feelings.
i clearly hadn’t progressed as much as I’d hoped.
im such an idiot for thinking anything more of it anyway, I think it’s more that I wanted to be wanted/chosen, so then it becomes a battle of the moral side versus what the heart wants or thinks it wants.