husband called me frigid

[user1468655141]

im 57 years old.. married 32 years ..ive been suffering still with menopause symptoms and am currently on HRT.. recently ive been suffering with low mood, aches and pains and general tiredness. I decided to try get earlier night and cut down on alcohol but my husband is night owl and so getting to bed early isnt easy. but the thing thats bothering me the most is that im never 'in the mood'. at the end of the day when im tired and aching i just want to go to sleep but he attempts to have sex most nights. last night was same but i didnt respond and this morning he asked me if i was frigid. i dont know what anyone else makes of this but ive been deeply upset by the comment. In fact insulted. He knows full well ive not been feeling good for some time with my energy levels and general low mood. I broke my hip a year ago and my arm year before and undergone bone scan which says im borderline osteoporosis ...constant bone pain.he has a high sex drive and im finding it difficult to fulfil his constant needs at a time in my life where i thought this side would slow down. but the comment has offended me so much ..am i being over sensitive?

Op, I didn't think that you were man bashing, I felt that some of the responses were incredibly harsh.

However, your update gives far more context, and actually he does sound unreasonable in terms of his behaviour and lewdness. That didn't really come across (for me anyway) in your original post.

Time for a long talk, I think. He needs to understand that his behaviour is turning you off, and that the only way for some (gentle) intimacy would be if he understood your troubles more and was loving and sympathetic. I doubt you can change him though, he just doesn't sound built for it.

Would you be happier without him? Could you go it alone practically and financially?

That is why responses like your first one are so blooming annoying @BeachBlondey on threads like this. It's blindingly obvious to us 'older women' (aka seen a lot more life/wiser/had more experiences) that the guy was a wanker, reading between the lines of the first post.

So let me check I get that right…

If your partner doesn’t want or can’t have sex as often as you want because of ill health, the answer is … to leave. Because how can anyone be asked to stay in a sexless marriage? (Or if they stay they are AMAZING humans who put their sexual needs aside and you should be so grateful for it)

I imagine that applies to all sort of stuff like cancer and most chronic illnesses too?

No wonder that so many people just leave someone who is ill. A staggering 50% of men leave their wife after a diagnosis of brain tumour. (Less so the other way around - surprise, surprise).

Jesus H Christ he sounds like a truly repulsive pig.

Taking his penis out like that?

OP, that is really not normal behaviour except for really crude scummy men.

32 years...😬😳 bloody hell!

I cannot imagine the stress you have been under, particularly with your children's serious ill health.

I really think you need to look at moving to a separate bedroom for space and peace.

IMO he is an abusive bully and how you can even share space with him, I don't know.

You really have my sympathy.
I think you need to push back hard and perhaps call Women's aid for a chat.

You really don't have to accept this.

Keep posting if you wish, we are here for you.

Lovely - you don't want sex because to be frank why would you ? with a crude, oversexed arse who is getting on a bit and yet hasn't learned to 'read the room' - he sounds truly horrible - you are going through a tough time, and the least he can do is to understand and respect that . With many (not all ) women if they are struggling then sex is the last thing they are thinking about- some men really just don't quite get that because it doesn't suit their needs or wants. I would be weighing up your options and mentally cashing in your assets if I'm honest. Sometimes it's better to admit that this isn't for you anymore- it no longer suits

Oh come on, the detail in the first Op, did not warrant all of the vile posts calling her DH rapey etc. The second post gives so much more information. And I'm an older woman myself thanks.

@BeachBlondey
Nobody, but nobody, in a healthy relationship, calls their spouse frigid.

@BeachBlondey despite my posts , I do feel there is quite a degree of truth in your first post- I do think there are a lot of older women who genuinely are no longer that bothered about sex because whilst health and stuff comes into this- there are lots of women in marriages where they simply don't really fancy their husbands anymore or have put up with behaviour like the OPs and no longer feel inclined that way but are reluctant to split up for all kinds of reasons- often because of financial ones.if you don't have plenty of tangible assets or a high paying job still it's not that straightforward- especially given the conditions for renting these days.

It absolutely did warrant those responses. Even from the initial post alone OP told us that she was unwell, recovering from serious injuries and not feeling good, and that despite knowing all of this her husband pestered her for sex every damn night. In addition to making it difficult for her to sleep at night. And then to top it off, he uses abusive and misogynistic language.

The fact that you chose to ignore the abundance of detail in the initial OP, misrepresented the thread as “man bashing” and tried to reframe OP as someone who had just gone off sex 🙄, was a failure on your part. It was very obvious to everyone else on the thread that this was about a toxic relationship.

^ Quite.

Ignore him. Man child.

I love these stealth boasting posts, I'm 103 and still wanting sex 5 times a week, maybe you should f off if you're not up to the job, or the subcurrent post of, oh older women stop fancying their partner and younger women should step into the role as it's a crying shame they still don't fancy their men.

Honestly what planet are these women on, do they live in vacuums whereby they only see what affects themselves, their own lives and their own health, such solitary answers.

A 32 year relationship, I'm sure op has the measure of this man's entitlement and how she has compromised over the years to finally have that insulting comment thrown in her face.

It's not repectful, it'snot kind and is a total insult to her involvement in a very long relationship.

Nasty fucker.

aside from the frigid comment he will walk into the room, get his willy out and say things like 'suck on this

Wtf is wrong with this man? That's disgusting. I would feel incredibly violently. Honestly.

I hope you can find some support in real life.

*violated.

@WidthofaLine When I mentioned women not fancying their husbands etc- if I'm honest I think it's common and I doubt many much younger women would fancy them either -- unless they were loaded or in powerful positions!! I'm 61 now and to be honest I feel like I'm just not bothered about sex anymore- maybe if I was with someone new I might get a second wind -who knows- I've been honest though and said exactly how I feel

@MyriadOfTravels there is a world of difference between a partner who can no longer have sex and one who decides the marriage is now a celibate one. That one person decides there will no longer be sex is a genuine reason to consider whether the relationship is sustainable. The relationship is changed. The other person is not necessarily going to be happy with the new arrangement.

@MyriadOfTravels yes it's fine to leave a marriage if your partner doesn't want sex and you don't want to be celibate. It's fine to leave a marriage for a whole host of reasons and sex is a pretty big deal to most people.

Some horrific anti-men posts on here by old bitter women. Get a grip and some context. No he shouldn't have used that word but it doesn't make him a rapist. Jesus christ.

So if the OP husband is trying to coerce and / or shame her into unwanted sexual activity by using vile language or flashing his genitals he is a ?

No you are right, not a rapist quite - just not a very nice , attractive or respectful human being. Everyone deserves better.

There is nothing anti man about any of these posts. Anti asshole perhaps.

💯 percent ridiculous

I too have had a rough peri-menopause, as many do - although not as bad as yours has been @user1468655141

The overwhelming tiredness in the evenings, the weight gain and constant bloating, the pain I now sometimes experience with sex - it's obvious why these would reduce interest in sex.

The difference is, my DH is a decent human being. He doesn't like seeing me suffer, has asks what he can do to make things easier, encourages me to get more sleep, NEVER guilt-trips me about not wanting to have sex as often, tells me and shows me he loves me. I don't say any of that to be smug, but to show how a decent man deals with his wife's menopause. We both fancy each other as much as ever and I expect this to be a temporary situation (several years in!)

In your case, your DH would be enough to put anyone off sex. He's disgusting, vile, bullying, offensive. Why does he think you would be attracted to him? Does he honestly think that calling you names and going on at you every night will put you in the mood for sex?

You deserve better.

@user1468655141

I wouldn't allow anyone to say that to me or try to pressure me into doing something I didn't want to do.

That's awful especially given your circumstances. I'd be giving him his marching orders definately!!!