Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband called me frigid

97 replies

user1468655141 · 15/02/2023 12:20

im 57 years old.. married 32 years ..ive been suffering still with menopause symptoms and am currently on HRT.. recently ive been suffering with low mood, aches and pains and general tiredness. I decided to try get earlier night and cut down on alcohol but my husband is night owl and so getting to bed early isnt easy. but the thing thats bothering me the most is that im never 'in the mood'. at the end of the day when im tired and aching i just want to go to sleep but he attempts to have sex most nights. last night was same but i didnt respond and this morning he asked me if i was frigid. i dont know what anyone else makes of this but ive been deeply upset by the comment. In fact insulted. He knows full well ive not been feeling good for some time with my energy levels and general low mood. I broke my hip a year ago and my arm year before and undergone bone scan which says im borderline osteoporosis ...constant bone pain.he has a high sex drive and im finding it difficult to fulfil his constant needs at a time in my life where i thought this side would slow down. but the comment has offended me so much ..am i being over sensitive?

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 15/02/2023 13:49

Wow, that's just nasty

If I was called frigid I'd be exiting the relationship stage left (if at all possible)

What an absolute misogynistic bastard

Fenella123 · 15/02/2023 13:51

Ewww.
This prompts a few questions.
a) did you enjoy your sex life with him in the past?
b) sounds like DH or no DH, it's worth dragging yourself back to the GP to see if you can feel a lot better. Get bloods done, try different HRT, etc.
c) do you have a happy, loving relationship in general and this is an exception, or... not?

Emmamoo89 · 15/02/2023 13:52

He sounds like a dick

WidthofaLine · 15/02/2023 14:03

He attempts sex everynight ?

WonderingWanda · 15/02/2023 14:06

What a disgusting thing for your husband to say to you. He wouldn't be my husband any more if he called me that. I have only been called it once by a boyfriend when I was a teenager, again because I wouldn't have sex with him. I promptly dumped him and asked him how on earth he thought calling me names was going to make me feel more attracted to him. Your husband sounds totally unreasonable expecting sex every night when you are feeling so rotten. I couldn't tolerate that.

tara66 · 15/02/2023 14:16

The quote is -
''There is no such thing as a frigid woman, there are only incompetent men''. 😊

Louisetopaz21 · 15/02/2023 14:17

My ex husband called me a frigid as I did not want to have sex with him because of how he treated me. My lovely dh makes me feel amazing and I want to have sex with him. So perhaps it is how he makes you feel and how he treats you no wonder you don't want to

SqueakyZoe · 15/02/2023 14:21

Hmm, I really hate that word! I used to wonder if I was (frigid) as I was always too tired in the evening too, but then I realized that afternoon sex or spontaneous sex was much more appealing.

I also wonder if there's a word equivalent to frigid ( which you only ever seem to hear when referring to women!), to describe someone (men) that don't like to do foreplay and just expect sex on demand!
I like to think the best sex has 3 parts to it - the before time - wine& dining/romance/foreplay etc., the sex itself, the after sex time where you feel gloriously relaxed... or, if there's still a need, use a sextoy to keep going.

Here's an idea - what about getting him a sex toy? I heard a doctor say once that middle aged men do need to use it or lose it, and I think prostrate massagers are as popular now for men as vibrators are for women! Then he can also sort himself out when he needs to.

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 14:28

What a disgusting nasty pig you have spent 32 years with.

He sounds like a complete sex pest.

Can you move to another bed room and tell him go to hell?

Because that is EXACTLY what I would say to my husband if he hinted at that and I am married 30 years.

God only knows what you have endured if that is his sensitivity to what you have gone through over the past couple of years.

Sugargliderwombat · 15/02/2023 14:46

Its a horrible sexist term. Your husband sounds awful and selfish.

TifT · 15/02/2023 14:56

Have your kids grown up because honestly you would be better off alone. Split the assets, you don’t have to have sex with him again, a bit of peace and quiet. Bliss. I highly recommend it.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 15/02/2023 14:56

You're not being over sensitive at all, he is being overly insensitive (and that's me putting it politely). First off, sex is a want, not a need. Second, he needs to get his head round the fact that menopause can impact libido beyond your control, even with HRT, and that being in pain is not conducive to feeling sexually inclined.

Stop doubting yourself. That's just a result of him trying to coerce you into having sex you don't want. He is the problem, not you.

Watchkeys · 15/02/2023 16:32

Here's an idea - what about getting him a sex toy? I heard a doctor say once that middle aged men do need to use it or lose it, and I think prostrate massagers are as popular now for men as vibrators are for women! Then he can also sort himself out when he needs to

OP. I'm not sure why this person thinks you should take responsibility for this middle aged man. If he's middle aged, he should have learnt by now that it's not up to someone else to look after his penis for him.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 15/02/2023 16:44

Tell him he might not ba making it to 33 years married. Your poor body that's such a lot to go through, can you have a Dr appointment for a general check and have some bloods done. Are you on medication for osteoporosis?
Tell him you no longer find him attractive in a sexual way after that comment and your flaps have frozen over at the thought of it. What a dick.

BeachBlondey · 15/02/2023 17:13

Another man bashing thread. Everything isn't black and white, for goodness sake.

No, he should never call you frigid, however, a bit of context is everything. How long since you have had sex? A week? A month? A year? I could see how someone (man or woman) might snap if they feel constantly rejected. I'm female, with a higher sex drive than my DH, and I have certainly snapped at him when sex has been off the cards for too long.

Yes, he could, and should, deal with it better (as I should have done), but we're all human.

This thread would have you believe, that if you want sex once you're over 50, you're some kind of drooling sex pest monster. How sad. 50 is NOT OLD.

You've been told to rip his bollocks off, that he's a contemptuous wanker, that he's a sex pest, that you should tell him to fuck off, that you should become a single cat lady, that he's vile, that he's an absolute misogynistic twat of a man, that he's probably no great shag either, that you should be kicking him and his disappointing penis out the door, that he should subscribe to Only Fans, that he's coercive and rapey, that you should get separate rooms or better yet separate houses, that you've spent 32 years with a disgusting nasty pig, that he is a complete sex pest, that you should move to another bed room and tell him go to hell, and that you should tell him you no longer find him attractive in a sexual way and that your flaps have frozen over at the thought of it. Do you feel this way about him?

I think it's safe to say, that your audience are all older women who don't find sex enjoyable anymore. It's not a balanced view whatsoever. And I say that as a 53 year old woman, who finds this aversion to sex absolutely baffling. In your 70's, maybe, but in your 50's? Really?

Do you want to get better? Do you want sex with him, if you could solve your health issues? You've been with this man for 32 years, I am presuming you still love him? Patience is needed on both sides. Can you sit down and make a plan as to how to move forward that satisfies you both? You will look into improving your health, sex is only once a fortnight, and its not to be pushed outside of that. I can recommend Vitamin D, cod liver oil and collagen to ease the aching.

As I said, my DH and I are in our 50's. Sex isn't as frequent as I would like, but what we do have is lovely and keeps us connected.

Please don't write yourself off, you're only 57.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 15/02/2023 17:33

BeachBlondey · 15/02/2023 17:13

Another man bashing thread. Everything isn't black and white, for goodness sake.

No, he should never call you frigid, however, a bit of context is everything. How long since you have had sex? A week? A month? A year? I could see how someone (man or woman) might snap if they feel constantly rejected. I'm female, with a higher sex drive than my DH, and I have certainly snapped at him when sex has been off the cards for too long.

Yes, he could, and should, deal with it better (as I should have done), but we're all human.

This thread would have you believe, that if you want sex once you're over 50, you're some kind of drooling sex pest monster. How sad. 50 is NOT OLD.

You've been told to rip his bollocks off, that he's a contemptuous wanker, that he's a sex pest, that you should tell him to fuck off, that you should become a single cat lady, that he's vile, that he's an absolute misogynistic twat of a man, that he's probably no great shag either, that you should be kicking him and his disappointing penis out the door, that he should subscribe to Only Fans, that he's coercive and rapey, that you should get separate rooms or better yet separate houses, that you've spent 32 years with a disgusting nasty pig, that he is a complete sex pest, that you should move to another bed room and tell him go to hell, and that you should tell him you no longer find him attractive in a sexual way and that your flaps have frozen over at the thought of it. Do you feel this way about him?

I think it's safe to say, that your audience are all older women who don't find sex enjoyable anymore. It's not a balanced view whatsoever. And I say that as a 53 year old woman, who finds this aversion to sex absolutely baffling. In your 70's, maybe, but in your 50's? Really?

Do you want to get better? Do you want sex with him, if you could solve your health issues? You've been with this man for 32 years, I am presuming you still love him? Patience is needed on both sides. Can you sit down and make a plan as to how to move forward that satisfies you both? You will look into improving your health, sex is only once a fortnight, and its not to be pushed outside of that. I can recommend Vitamin D, cod liver oil and collagen to ease the aching.

As I said, my DH and I are in our 50's. Sex isn't as frequent as I would like, but what we do have is lovely and keeps us connected.

Please don't write yourself off, you're only 57.

I'm over 50 and have a fabulous sex life cheeky.

BeachBlondey · 15/02/2023 17:41

WoofWoofBeachLife · 15/02/2023 17:33

I'm over 50 and have a fabulous sex life cheeky.

Show quote history

Thank goodness!!

I read some of the awful posts on here. that are written about wives hating sex with their DH's, and I just can't relate whatsoever.

Watchkeys · 15/02/2023 17:47

@BeachBlondey

Sex isn't really the issue. He's called her an unpleasant name for not giving him what he wants. It wouldn't matter if it was about sex or wallpapering. You're missing the point.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/02/2023 17:58

Jfc, did you miss the bit where he called her frigid @BeachBlondey? . If that is acceptable to you, you go girl - I and many other women have a far far higher bar. And, I expect you're right in that lots of these comments are from more experienced women indeed - ones who've had shit men and amazing men and can spot the difference between a mile off.

workiskillingme · 15/02/2023 18:16

BeachBlondey · 15/02/2023 17:13

Another man bashing thread. Everything isn't black and white, for goodness sake.

No, he should never call you frigid, however, a bit of context is everything. How long since you have had sex? A week? A month? A year? I could see how someone (man or woman) might snap if they feel constantly rejected. I'm female, with a higher sex drive than my DH, and I have certainly snapped at him when sex has been off the cards for too long.

Yes, he could, and should, deal with it better (as I should have done), but we're all human.

This thread would have you believe, that if you want sex once you're over 50, you're some kind of drooling sex pest monster. How sad. 50 is NOT OLD.

You've been told to rip his bollocks off, that he's a contemptuous wanker, that he's a sex pest, that you should tell him to fuck off, that you should become a single cat lady, that he's vile, that he's an absolute misogynistic twat of a man, that he's probably no great shag either, that you should be kicking him and his disappointing penis out the door, that he should subscribe to Only Fans, that he's coercive and rapey, that you should get separate rooms or better yet separate houses, that you've spent 32 years with a disgusting nasty pig, that he is a complete sex pest, that you should move to another bed room and tell him go to hell, and that you should tell him you no longer find him attractive in a sexual way and that your flaps have frozen over at the thought of it. Do you feel this way about him?

I think it's safe to say, that your audience are all older women who don't find sex enjoyable anymore. It's not a balanced view whatsoever. And I say that as a 53 year old woman, who finds this aversion to sex absolutely baffling. In your 70's, maybe, but in your 50's? Really?

Do you want to get better? Do you want sex with him, if you could solve your health issues? You've been with this man for 32 years, I am presuming you still love him? Patience is needed on both sides. Can you sit down and make a plan as to how to move forward that satisfies you both? You will look into improving your health, sex is only once a fortnight, and its not to be pushed outside of that. I can recommend Vitamin D, cod liver oil and collagen to ease the aching.

As I said, my DH and I are in our 50's. Sex isn't as frequent as I would like, but what we do have is lovely and keeps us connected.

Please don't write yourself off, you're only 57.

Totally agree

Watchkeys · 15/02/2023 18:20

I think it's safe to say, that your audience are all older women who don't find sex enjoyable anymore

A person thinking it's safe to say something doesn't make it true. So many assumptions in this post, so many generalisations about what sort of people have what sort of opinions. Absolute tosh.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 15/02/2023 18:38

BeachBlondey · 15/02/2023 17:41

Thank goodness!!

I read some of the awful posts on here. that are written about wives hating sex with their DH's, and I just can't relate whatsoever.

Show quote history

I do agree, I certainly didn't have the same sex life with my exh, he often blamed me. I just didn't have the chemistry with him and we really shouldn't have gotten married. That's another thread lol.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 15/02/2023 18:48

I agree to a point with @BeachBlondey the replies saying he's a sex pest/rapist/rip his balls off/divorce him are pretty extreme! No he absolutely should not have called you frigid and yes he absolutely should be more considerate to how you're feeling but we don't know if this was an (unacceptable) loss of temper resulting in him being nasty or if this is a symptom of other ongoing issues and actually you should take a look at your marriage as a whole. You are not being oversensitive to be offended by what he has said and you should absolutely communicate to him that it's unacceptable and how it's made you feel

Theunamedcat · 15/02/2023 18:49

He sounds deeply unpleasant send him a link to a blow up sheep and the housing pages

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/02/2023 18:55

BeachBlondey · 15/02/2023 17:13

Another man bashing thread. Everything isn't black and white, for goodness sake.

No, he should never call you frigid, however, a bit of context is everything. How long since you have had sex? A week? A month? A year? I could see how someone (man or woman) might snap if they feel constantly rejected. I'm female, with a higher sex drive than my DH, and I have certainly snapped at him when sex has been off the cards for too long.

Yes, he could, and should, deal with it better (as I should have done), but we're all human.

This thread would have you believe, that if you want sex once you're over 50, you're some kind of drooling sex pest monster. How sad. 50 is NOT OLD.

You've been told to rip his bollocks off, that he's a contemptuous wanker, that he's a sex pest, that you should tell him to fuck off, that you should become a single cat lady, that he's vile, that he's an absolute misogynistic twat of a man, that he's probably no great shag either, that you should be kicking him and his disappointing penis out the door, that he should subscribe to Only Fans, that he's coercive and rapey, that you should get separate rooms or better yet separate houses, that you've spent 32 years with a disgusting nasty pig, that he is a complete sex pest, that you should move to another bed room and tell him go to hell, and that you should tell him you no longer find him attractive in a sexual way and that your flaps have frozen over at the thought of it. Do you feel this way about him?

I think it's safe to say, that your audience are all older women who don't find sex enjoyable anymore. It's not a balanced view whatsoever. And I say that as a 53 year old woman, who finds this aversion to sex absolutely baffling. In your 70's, maybe, but in your 50's? Really?

Do you want to get better? Do you want sex with him, if you could solve your health issues? You've been with this man for 32 years, I am presuming you still love him? Patience is needed on both sides. Can you sit down and make a plan as to how to move forward that satisfies you both? You will look into improving your health, sex is only once a fortnight, and its not to be pushed outside of that. I can recommend Vitamin D, cod liver oil and collagen to ease the aching.

As I said, my DH and I are in our 50's. Sex isn't as frequent as I would like, but what we do have is lovely and keeps us connected.

Please don't write yourself off, you're only 57.

That's all very nice for you.

But you don't have constant pain and a real risk of fractures from osteoporosis, do you?