husband called me frigid

[user1468655141]

im 57 years old.. married 32 years ..ive been suffering still with menopause symptoms and am currently on HRT.. recently ive been suffering with low mood, aches and pains and general tiredness. I decided to try get earlier night and cut down on alcohol but my husband is night owl and so getting to bed early isnt easy. but the thing thats bothering me the most is that im never 'in the mood'. at the end of the day when im tired and aching i just want to go to sleep but he attempts to have sex most nights. last night was same but i didnt respond and this morning he asked me if i was frigid. i dont know what anyone else makes of this but ive been deeply upset by the comment. In fact insulted. He knows full well ive not been feeling good for some time with my energy levels and general low mood. I broke my hip a year ago and my arm year before and undergone bone scan which says im borderline osteoporosis ...constant bone pain.he has a high sex drive and im finding it difficult to fulfil his constant needs at a time in my life where i thought this side would slow down. but the comment has offended me so much ..am i being over sensitive?

'think it's safe to say, that your audience are all older women who don't find sex enjoyable anymore. It's not a balanced view whatsoever. And I say that as a 53 year old woman, who finds this aversion to sex absolutely baffling. In your 70's, maybe, but in your 50's? Really?'

No.* *The audience are women who know their worth, their bodies, their physical & emotional health, that everyone is different and that they have the right to respect. Not allowing ourselves to be called vile, misogynistic, demeaning names by the man supposed to love and care for us.

@BeachBlondey I think it's safe to say there are plenty of women who don't particularly enjoy sex anymore 'within that relationship' however they don't necessarily not like their partner or other aspects of the relationship Their can be many reasons, health and fitness ones, previous trust issues, kinks you neither enjoy or want, don't really fancy partner sexually anymore etc. I appreciate others may say 'well just split up then' but sometimes it's not that straight forward or wanted on either side.

You deserve so much more love and kindness. I'd start by kicking your marriage into touch and looking for a much more decent partner. He's not the only man on earth!

Apart from whatever people are saying, if you have bone pain, please go and see you GP to be checked fir vitaminD.
It sounds like you might be low - it will also make you feel tired and can be linked with ‘weak bones’

I totally agree but I expect we'll be in the minority!

I think I was the one saying he sounds like a sex post & to get a cat.

I'm in a perfectly happy marriage & really like men. However, I can definitely say that constant demands for sex that add nightly anxiety to management of both menopause & hip pain would send me scatty.

I asked what he brought to the marriage because he might be great in all other aspects.

It all depends if it was a coercive accusation or a request for information on whether sex was off the table?

From some of the phrasing, I'm thinking former but we don't know...

I suspect if you traded him in for someone who you felt respected by and likewise, you had respect for, you'd maybe find the energy. But what he said would make anyone's vag close shut indefinitely.

Meanwhile a history of breaking bones is a big indicator of osteoporosis, I hope you are on the necessary supplements and the HRT helps you.

‘Frigid’ ?!!! Oh my God, who still says that ?!!
I’d have answered all innocently, ‘No , I don’t think so ? I still manage to cum a couple of times a day when I masturbate so I don’t think there’s a problem there.’ 😂

I've been called that once by a lad I wouldn't have sex with in sixth form. Vile word. Many of the students were laughing and unfortunately this label stuck. Not that I gave a fuck at the time. I was more bothered about my studies and not contracting an STI.
If my DH said that to me he would be my ex DH.

I think k if dh pestered me for sex every night and called me fridgid my love for him would die

Honestly op he sounds horrible

The point is being called frigid is not a nice word to call your wife and it deeply upset me. Knows full well that i havent had a good experience with the menopause and that recently my symptoms have flared up again. I have gained weight and feel bloated and my clothes dont fit which in itself makes me feel rubbish and unattractive and unsexy. On top of which i have constant bone pain and yes to a previous question i did have a bone scan 18 months ago which showed borderline osteoporosis and im due another scan in a few months. if you are in constant pain and with menopause symptoms its a struggle with everyday life and the lack of motivation.. im on HRT which is not helping me much ..im awaiting blood tests. If you felt unwell in yourself and needed more rest you would feel same way about the constant pestering at night. It was never like this before i hit the change of life. We have four grown up children and two grandchildren. I lost my dad last year after a long slow death, one of my daughters had breast cancer at age 26 and had a mastectomy a few years ago and have another with mental health issues so apart from myself have had a lot to cope with past few years. I think it would affect a lot of womenhaving to deal with not only menopause and at same time all these issues. We always had veryactive sex life ..virtually everynight which dwindled at the time i went through the change an i admit i lost interest. Ive just noticed a change in the way he speaks to me ..i was drinking way too much alcohol past years and ive recently made the decision to cut it out and get early nights to help myself get stronger and feel better but he dislikes me going to bed early. When i say early ..thats eleven o clock as he sits up very late. I want to go to bed and sleep not be woken up ..aside from the frigid comment he will walk into the room, get his willy out and say things like 'suck on this' ..or just make crude comments all the time ...i dnt like crudeness and its certainly doesnt put me in the mood. I wouldve thought that by this age his sex drive would have lessened but its stayed the same whilst i have admittedly lost interest which i can only put down to my hormone changes. My general lack of energy and the worries and events that have happened in past few years. Its not a man bashing exercise ..i came on here for some advice as its not something i can discuss with family.. i questioned am i being oversensitive?? i did confront him and he said it was a joke but i dont see being called that word as funny ...he meant to say it and then tried backtracking by making out was joking but clearly he meant it and im fed up with the constant lewdness. I have the demands of caring for an elderly mum who depends on me as she doesnt drive and lives in a remote village with no shops and limited transport service, the demands of children, looking after grandkids so im being pulled in all directions and this is another demand on me i really dont need right now.

Nah, you've just had enough.

aside from the frigid comment he will walk into the room, get his willy out and say things like 'suck on this' ..or just make crude comments all the time ...i dnt like crudeness and its certainly doesnt put me in the mood.

Bloody hell. You aren't being over sensitive OP.

Him speaking to you like that despite knowing how you're feeling at the moment is fucking disgusting.

And he knows that isn't going to make you suddenly in the mood, indicating that his priority is being sort of serviced sexually rather than having a happy, healthy sex life with the partner he supposedly loves.

He isn't bothered about whether you're into it or not, he just wants you to do it regardless. There's something wrong with people who want to shag people when they know they don't really want to.

Sorry OP

My dp used this word - not accusing me, but to talk about women not wanting sex. I gave a little speech about what it is like as an 11yo girl being told in school that you are "frigid" because you don't wear your school uniform in a sexy way. He hasn't used the word since - I think he got the point that it is misogynistic - but reading this and thinking about the subject, maybe I need to have another talk. I think the word "frigid", as an accusation, reveals the mindset that when a woman doesn't want sex, she's either deficient as a woman, or she's refusing sex as a weapon because she's manipulative. I'm also in my 50s, and am delighted that sex is still a big pleasure for me, but for any of us there will be the odd time when we are not up for it, and at those times that mindset could obviously be highly problematic.

He's a disgusting sex pest.

Wow OP it sounds like he has little respect for you. Have a real think about what, if anything, he adds to your life. You could have a new start without him. xxx

I was seeing someone for a good 8 months when I started getting real peri symptoms and went right off sex ( never lived together etc but fitted a little sex in every now and then ) and one day I was saying I'm
Bleeding a lot and he just went "frigid "
I was a bit stunned as like most on here haven't heard that vile word in years .. think my reply was "wow you misogynistic prick " and he tried to laugh it off as a joke.
Ended it , no man has a right to say that word to any woman and this man is your husband he's not meant to treat you like a sex grab and go
Where's his concern that you're feeling achey or drained and tired
This is why I am staying single now I'm
Honestly happier just me and my dogs
I hope you kick him
In the bollocks next time he tries his sex pest ways and to mentally make you give in

What a load of absolute shite.

People don’t think that wanting sex over 50 makes someone a sex pest. If that’s what you think the thread is about then you have simply not managed to understand and follow along.

Also not everyone here is over 50 and sexless. What a ridiculous assumption. I am neither and can, like almost everyone else, plainly see that OP is married to a deeply unpleasant misogynist who doesn’t value or respect her, isn’t interested in supporting her through an extremely difficult few years physically and mentally, and attempts to coerce her into sex she doesn’t meaningfully consent to.

Ugh. This was meant to be a reply to @BeachBlondey

If you don't want to have sex with him any more - or very rarely - then you'd best tell him that and discuss your future together (or not). It may be a dealbreaker for him but there's no way you shod be agreeing to sex you don't want.
What you can't do is pretend this is a non issue.

That’s fair.

My ex called me frigid. (The clue in whether this was in any way acceptable would be that he's an ex). I'm sorry your husband has used this term OP, to my mind it demonstrates both a lack of compassion and some seriously distorted ideas about women.

@user1468655141 what does he bring to your life that is positive?

It’s not as simple as “he said an unkind word”. This runs much deeper. It speaks to the way he views you. And obviously he hasn’t been a caring or supportive partner through an extremely turbulent few years; quite the opposite. He’s made them much harder.

What would your life look like without him in it? And would that actually be worse than this? Don’t throw good years after bad just because you’ve been together a long time. Think carefully about the kind of life you want for your future and the kind of life you could build without him. How does that look?

@user1468655141 I am at a similar age and stage of life as you. Like you my libido has plummeted. Unlike you I have a good husband. He would like sex every other night but it’s more like twice a month. He is considerate and understanding. We have chatted about it. I am trying a couple of things to get me more in the mood but there is no demanding from him or question of me doing it when I am not in the mood.

So no you are absolutely not being over sensitive.

Being called frigid is demoralising, vile and outrageous. My husband called me frigid once! He was young and immature, I was run ragged with a toddler and baby. Luckily for him he apologised and stopped being a sex pest and I made an effort.
As the children grew up our sex life increased and he grew into the kind, considerate lover he is. We are both over 60 now but he knows that name calling turns me off not on!