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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this abusive?

55 replies

Poppystem · 14/02/2023 20:28

I have a hobby (running before you ask) that my partner doesn’t do and isn’t interested in. Next year I have the opportunity to go abroad to participate in an event related to this hobby. The event is at a tourist location that I love and would happily go to without participating in my hobby. I’ve visited before with my partner and he said he wouldn’t ever want to go back.

I’ve got a friend that lives in the same country of the event and I thought the event would be a opportunity to participate in something I enjoy, go back to the place I love (knowing that my partner doesn’t want to go back) and to see my friend.

I told my partner about my potential plans and he has now thrown a strop. He said he will go because I’m going but doesn’t want to actually go. He doesn’t want to be left at home for 2 weeks (we don’t have children). And he doesn’t want to be in this situation!

The thing is, I only looked into the event at that location because my partner said he didn’t want to go back. I would be happy to go and just have a nice holiday with my partner without doing the running. When I suggested this it made things worse. He only wants to go if I’m doing the running event! I don’t know why because he got upset and said he doesn’t want to be in this situation.

He has abandonment issues. Have I made a big mistake? I try to involve him in decisions making but he gets stressed when I tell him things. So it’s hard to bring things up without upsetting him. I’m either mentioning things too early when the final plans aren’t ironed out or I say too late and spring things on him.

I don’t know how I feel about this behaviour? Am I being awkward or doing something wrong?

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 14/02/2023 20:32

This would annoy me. I’d just tell him I’m planning to visit my friend and do stuff related to the event. Is he always going to insist on accompanying you to places he doesn’t like? Or sulk if he can’t go?

Amsooverthis · 14/02/2023 20:34

Oh for goodness sake, he needs to get a grip! Go and leave him behind, it sounds like he would be an absolute drag!

Ukholidaysaregreat · 14/02/2023 20:36

Yes sounds a bit controlling. Doesn't want to go. Not happy for you to go. Prepare yourself for a lifetime of this.

Dacadactyl · 14/02/2023 20:37

I don't personally think it is abusive of him. BUT, I do think he sounds like a massive pain in the arse and all this carry on would make me re-evaluate the relationship somewhat.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/02/2023 20:38

plan to do what you want to do (don’t you dare give up the running event or seeing your friend) and let him fit around that as he wants. Not your job to accommodate his silly whims.

Abandonment issues my arse. Controlling issues more like it!

ILiveInTornadoAlley · 14/02/2023 20:39

You're asking if this is abusive??
No.But he sounds incredibly insecure.
Y'all need to sit down and have a mature conversation.
Good luck to ya.

maddy68 · 14/02/2023 20:40

It's not abusive. He just wants to go with you ? Your friend can come.and see you ?

Tusktusk · 14/02/2023 20:41

Very controlling. Please tell him you are going alone. He really does not need to accompany you. And being unable to live without you for 2 weeks is definitely not an attractive look. Is he generally very insecure?

Original poster

Poppystem · 14/02/2023 20:42

Thank you. I just needed some perspective on his behaviour. Sometimes I feel too close to it that I don’t know what is normal anymore.

I’m going to continue with my training, plan on going to the event and seeing my friend.

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 14/02/2023 20:43

I’m either mentioning things too early when the final plans aren’t ironed out or I say too late and spring things on him.

Its a controlling tactic to shut you down. I've been told that if I remind DH too much then I'm a nag, but if I don't remind enough its my fault hes forgotten. Its the same thing- I cant win, and neither can you. Its abusive controlling behaviour.

Time to have serious words with him and shut this down, or start to look at your entire relalationship with opened eyes,..there will be other things happening under your radar. Btw, its not abandonment issues.

Original poster

Poppystem · 14/02/2023 20:47

Is he generally very insecure?

Yes. He is getting support for BPD and abandonment issues are part of it.

I don’t always handle things well but I try to be mindful of it when we have differences like this.

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 14/02/2023 20:47

maddy68 · 14/02/2023 20:40

It's not abusive. He just wants to go with you ? Your friend can come.and see you ?

Well wouldn't this just be appeasing manipulative behaviour? Where would it end. Ridiculous idea

billy1966 · 14/02/2023 20:52

Pixiedust1234 · 14/02/2023 20:43

I’m either mentioning things too early when the final plans aren’t ironed out or I say too late and spring things on him.

This.

OP, he's extremely controlling, needy, tedious, a PITA.

Why are you involved with someone who is such hard work?

Why would your bar ve so low?

I think he is well on his way to being abusive.

Dump him.
Save yourself the inevitable grief of this.

FromMyKitchen21 · 14/02/2023 21:01

Be very careful, I had similar in the early days, I believed he ‘just wanted to spend time with me’ but things got a lot worse later. A decent partner wants you to have hobbies, friends, independence. If I could do it all over again I would run … and keep running

catsnore · 14/02/2023 21:03

Not abusive but sounds controlling. Also doesn't make sense - he doesn't want to ever go there again but now you're going he's going to come and what - sulk? Follow your every move? Walk around with a face like a slapped arse? You are perfectly entitled to do your own thing for a few weeks and he can do what he wants. If he doesn't want to be on his own then couldn't he go and visit a friend/family or something?

FromMyKitchen21 · 14/02/2023 21:04

maddy68 · 14/02/2023 20:40

It's not abusive. He just wants to go with you ? Your friend can come.and see you ?

He wants to go under a big black cloud and make her feel bad about it

LexMitior · 14/02/2023 21:06

He is a controlling twat who wants you to do nothing. That would make him happiest, and is his big idea.

Get rid of him. A reasonable man would have said, good idea for a break and no further comment.

Chrimbob · 14/02/2023 21:09

You're walking on eggshells. Trying to find the right way and right time to talk to him. He's controlling and manipulative - whatever the reasons for this are, the outcome is the same in that you are treated poorly.

Original poster

Poppystem · 14/02/2023 21:10

Thank you. I’m glad that other people agree it’s not my fault. I’m just trying my best and want to have a nice time doing something I enjoy.

OP posts:

larchforest · 14/02/2023 21:37

He has abandonment issues? What is he, a toddler?

Don't put up with this nonsense, go and have a great time.

Ghostbuster2639 · 15/02/2023 01:20

I disagree he doesn’t sound abusive. It’s controlling manipulative behaviour.

eyope · 15/02/2023 02:46

His issues are his problem. Let him sulk/moan whatever - do not change your plans or back down. If you do he, you are showing him he can manipulate you into doing what he wants and try it everytime. Compromise is good and you have offered different options. So go on your trip, meet your friend - he'll get over it. If he has abandonment issues he isn't likely to leave you over it and if he does, that's another manipulation tactic.

3487642l · 15/02/2023 06:51

Is this typical behaviour from your partner? It certainly sounds like the kind of incident that could be part of an abusive pattern.

Coercive control is the name for the pattern of behaviour that is central to abuse in relationships, and you can find out more by looking at this series of 3 minute videos, Some relationships can also be very unequal, even if they are not all-out abusive, you can get more information from these videos too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2023 07:00

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and also is insidious in its onset.

Why are you and he together at all, this is over or should be now because of his controlling you like this. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I am wondering what has kept you with him. Did you meet him when you were in a bad place yourself ?

Your boundaries, perhaps already weakened by past poor experience, are being further trampled on by him too. This also has a knock on effect on your self worth leaving you feeling confused and unhappy. Remember the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

ChrisTrepidation · 15/02/2023 07:01

Controlling and manipulative. He sounds utterly exhausting.

I see he has BPD. I might be shouted down for saying this but I would think very carefully about commiting yourself to someone with BPD. My ex husband had it and it turned my life into an absolute nightmare.

Go to your event without him and enjoy it. If he comes along he will ruin it for you.

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