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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abusive?

55 replies

Poppystem · 14/02/2023 20:28

I have a hobby (running before you ask) that my partner doesn’t do and isn’t interested in. Next year I have the opportunity to go abroad to participate in an event related to this hobby. The event is at a tourist location that I love and would happily go to without participating in my hobby. I’ve visited before with my partner and he said he wouldn’t ever want to go back.

I’ve got a friend that lives in the same country of the event and I thought the event would be a opportunity to participate in something I enjoy, go back to the place I love (knowing that my partner doesn’t want to go back) and to see my friend.

I told my partner about my potential plans and he has now thrown a strop. He said he will go because I’m going but doesn’t want to actually go. He doesn’t want to be left at home for 2 weeks (we don’t have children). And he doesn’t want to be in this situation!

The thing is, I only looked into the event at that location because my partner said he didn’t want to go back. I would be happy to go and just have a nice holiday with my partner without doing the running. When I suggested this it made things worse. He only wants to go if I’m doing the running event! I don’t know why because he got upset and said he doesn’t want to be in this situation.

He has abandonment issues. Have I made a big mistake? I try to involve him in decisions making but he gets stressed when I tell him things. So it’s hard to bring things up without upsetting him. I’m either mentioning things too early when the final plans aren’t ironed out or I say too late and spring things on him.

I don’t know how I feel about this behaviour? Am I being awkward or doing something wrong?

OP posts:
Wearingatshirt · 15/02/2023 15:41

Yes its controlling in that he's giving his permission for you to go with him but only if you do the running event. If he diesnt want to go then he'll just be making it miserable for you. If he's got separation issues then this will be good practice for him but I suspect its more manipulation issues and he needs to grow up or you need to get yourself out of there.

Pinkbonbon · 15/02/2023 15:46

Lol 'abandonment issues' like...like a labrador?

Sorry but I'd read that as 'control issues' dolled up as some past childhood trauma bullshit in order to excuse it.

Fuck him, go and enjoy your trip.

CuriousMama · 15/02/2023 15:47

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 14:41

He threatens to kill himself to make sure you tow the line and don’t behave in a way he doesn’t like.

Awful, manipulative and controlling behaviour.

This. You need to get out.

Original poster
Poppystem · 15/02/2023 16:45

Has he said he would kill himself if you split, or are you thinking yourself he might do that?

He hasn’t threatened suicide if I leave but there was a suicide attempt last year. He’s been getting help since then but his mood goes up and down and I’m surprised he hasn’t done something again. I know that if I leave he will hurt himself in one way or another. I just have to be prepared for that.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/02/2023 17:00

Poppystem · 14/02/2023 20:47

Is he generally very insecure?

Yes. He is getting support for BPD and abandonment issues are part of it.

I don’t always handle things well but I try to be mindful of it when we have differences like this.

He can duscuss it with his therapist then
It s not a huge deal in grand schene
Two weeks not two years
Do what you want and need to do

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