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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abusive?

55 replies

Poppystem · 14/02/2023 20:28

I have a hobby (running before you ask) that my partner doesn’t do and isn’t interested in. Next year I have the opportunity to go abroad to participate in an event related to this hobby. The event is at a tourist location that I love and would happily go to without participating in my hobby. I’ve visited before with my partner and he said he wouldn’t ever want to go back.

I’ve got a friend that lives in the same country of the event and I thought the event would be a opportunity to participate in something I enjoy, go back to the place I love (knowing that my partner doesn’t want to go back) and to see my friend.

I told my partner about my potential plans and he has now thrown a strop. He said he will go because I’m going but doesn’t want to actually go. He doesn’t want to be left at home for 2 weeks (we don’t have children). And he doesn’t want to be in this situation!

The thing is, I only looked into the event at that location because my partner said he didn’t want to go back. I would be happy to go and just have a nice holiday with my partner without doing the running. When I suggested this it made things worse. He only wants to go if I’m doing the running event! I don’t know why because he got upset and said he doesn’t want to be in this situation.

He has abandonment issues. Have I made a big mistake? I try to involve him in decisions making but he gets stressed when I tell him things. So it’s hard to bring things up without upsetting him. I’m either mentioning things too early when the final plans aren’t ironed out or I say too late and spring things on him.

I don’t know how I feel about this behaviour? Am I being awkward or doing something wrong?

OP posts:
Noicant · 15/02/2023 07:07

Do you remember want to live like this for the rest of your life? I mean really? In 30 years do you want to look back at all the times you didn’t do what you actually want? Even if he goes you know he will spend that time being a miserable git and will ruin it a bit for you.

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 07:28

His behaviour won't improve, just get worse and worse, until you won't recognise yourself or the way you have adapted to keep him calm and not reactive.

You can't be in a good space yourself that you would tolerate this behaviour.

It's so NOT normal.

You think life is confusing with him now?

Misery and regret awaits you.

Dump him now.

hatsoff234 · 15/02/2023 07:38

Is the friend a man or a woman?

Original poster
Poppystem · 15/02/2023 07:53

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2023 07:00

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and also is insidious in its onset.

Why are you and he together at all, this is over or should be now because of his controlling you like this. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I am wondering what has kept you with him. Did you meet him when you were in a bad place yourself ?

Your boundaries, perhaps already weakened by past poor experience, are being further trampled on by him too. This also has a knock on effect on your self worth leaving you feeling confused and unhappy. Remember the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I was in a bad place when I met him. I had an abusive childhood so it’s only recently I understood I could have boundaries.

He lives with me and has nowhere else to go. He will probably kill himself if we split up so I need to get myself into a space mentally where I can deal with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppystem · 15/02/2023 07:54

hatsoff234 · 15/02/2023 07:38

Is the friend a man or a woman?

A woman.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 15/02/2023 07:56

billy1966 · 14/02/2023 20:52

This.

OP, he's extremely controlling, needy, tedious, a PITA.

Why are you involved with someone who is such hard work?

Why would your bar ve so low?

I think he is well on his way to being abusive.

Dump him.
Save yourself the inevitable grief of this.

Show quote history

This. It’s controlling behaviour. An adult can’t be left on their own for 2 weeks when there are no disabilities? Ridiculous.

Nimbostratus100 · 15/02/2023 07:59

personally, I would plan a lovely time on my own, and tell him, if he feels like it, he can come and join me for a maximum of half the time, but only if he is cheerful, and I wont have anything to do with him if he is a misery guts

He can take it or leave it

and he can take or leave me, I wouldnt be fussyfooting around this.

I hope you have a lovely time and a great event!

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 08:30

Ffs OP, you poor woman.

Of course he targeted you, moved himself in, and you now have his suicide as a threat hanging over you.

YOU ARE IN ANOTHER ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

His life is not on you.

Get the police involved.

Get him out of your home.

Ring Women's aid.

Ring 101 and ask for help.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

He is COERCIVELY controlling you with the threat of suicide.

He is committing a crime.

Please, please get the police involved to get him out of your home.

He is a bad man.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 08:43

Why doesn’t he want to be alone for 2 weeks? Do you normally do all the cooking and running around after him? He sounds like a big fucking baby, I couldn’t be with someone that needy/controlling personally, plus he sounds like a miserable bastard. Do you really want to be in this relationship?

Go on your own, don’t take him, he’ll ruin it.

Moomoola · 15/02/2023 08:47

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 08:30

Ffs OP, you poor woman.

Of course he targeted you, moved himself in, and you now have his suicide as a threat hanging over you.

YOU ARE IN ANOTHER ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

His life is not on you.

Get the police involved.

Get him out of your home.

Ring Women's aid.

Ring 101 and ask for help.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

He is COERCIVELY controlling you with the threat of suicide.

He is committing a crime.

Please, please get the police involved to get him out of your home.

He is a bad man.

This

rainbowstardrops · 15/02/2023 08:47

It all sounds utterly suffocating. How long have you been together?
He's going to make your trip miserable. And of course a grown man can fend for themselves for two weeks!

IneedanewTV · 15/02/2023 08:51

Does he organise anything or is it all left to you?

GoldDuster · 15/02/2023 09:02

He lives with me and has nowhere else to go. He will probably kill himself if we split up so I need to get myself into a space mentally where I can deal with that.

He is busy keeping you in a space mentally where you can't deal with booking a holiday.

OP you mention that you're too close to it so you can't work out what's normal any more, but you know that this isn't normal.

This isn't a healthy functioning relationship. His childhood, his abandonment issues, and his BPD are not his fault, but they are solidly his responsibility.

They do not need to determine how you spend your one short life. Set yourself free.

anomaly23 · 15/02/2023 09:37

He sounds miserable op.

This is not normal behaviour

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2023 10:35

You are in an abusive relationship for which your abusive childhood primed you for. That is solely on the adults who abused your trust in them and did this to you; its not your fault that your childhood was abusive. Please look into contacting NAPAC and Womens Aid as Billy 1966 has suggested.

Please read the words Billy1966 has written and re-read those till they are fully taken in.

This man sensed your complete lack of boundaries and self worth and targeted you deliberately to further abuse which indeed he has done. Many abusive men also threaten or otherwise imply that they will kill themselves; its often made as a threat to keep their woman aka possession frightened and otherwise in line. You are anyway not responsible for him and or his actions; he is. You've just been made to believe that you are.

Abuse like this takes along time, years even, to recover from and your own recovery from this has not even started yet and it will not till you fully extricate yourself from him. Use the police also to have him removed from your home and look into obtaining both non molestation and occupation orders.

Pixiedust1234 · 15/02/2023 10:41

Kick him out. If he threatens suicide then tell him you will get the police involved for a welfare check. Once they know you mean it, they stop threatening. Funny that 🙄

He is messing with your head so much you don't even realise you are being manipulated and controlled. Get some distance between you and him. Start off with this wonderful holiday and tell him he needs to be out by the time you get back (if you really can't face the part where he physically moves out).

Bananalanacake · 15/02/2023 11:48

How long were you together when he moved in, was it his idea?
He must have lived somewhere before he met you.
Does he work and pay towards bills and food.
Can't you see how pathetic it is that he can't be on his own for 2 weeks.
I am the sort of person who refuses to have a boyfriend live with me, If I were to go away for 2 weeks, I would mention it the week before and give them a call when I get back, I would not be in a relationship with someone so clingy and needy.
Just ask yourself this: Would my life be better if he wasn't living with me?

Bananalanacake · 15/02/2023 13:12

Women are not rehab centres for men, this means it is not your job to house him and look after him every day.

Original poster
Poppystem · 15/02/2023 13:19

I’ve read all the replies and I want to thank everyone. I think I’ve been in denial for a long time. It’s upsetting to see it written in black and white in front of me.

To answer some question -
We have been together 10 years.
We were together almost 2 years when he moved in.
It was my idea he move in.
He shared with a friend when we first met, then he moved back in with his parents to save money.
He does pay his fair share of all bills and food. He’s not financially controlling in any way.
I’m going to look into getting support for myself.
I’ve grown a lot as a person since I first met him.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 15/02/2023 13:25

I wouldn't say it's abusive, he doesn't sound like hes handling it well but ...in all honesty - I think I'd be a little miffed if my dh suggested using half of his annual leave to go on a holiday alone for a hobby and see friends without me because it would totally compromise our ability to go anywhere together that year and we'd have very limited leave to spend together and that would end up being used for other commitments - is that maybe what's bothering him? So I'd probably go so we wouldn't lose the opportunity for time together. Did you suggest him coming with you first or go straight to going without him?

That being said I'd also try to make the best of it and would still try to be encouraging if I knew it was something important to dh. So i see kind of where he's maybe coming from but he needs to suck it up and make the best of it.

ItchyBillco · 15/02/2023 14:41

He threatens to kill himself to make sure you tow the line and don’t behave in a way he doesn’t like.

Awful, manipulative and controlling behaviour.

LexMitior · 15/02/2023 15:05

Suicide threats are the lowest of low when made to secure someone's compliance. This man is disgusting- there is no merit in carrying on with this relationship

EcoChica1980 · 15/02/2023 15:10

He has an insecure attachment style, which makes you going away very triggering for him.

You can either bow to this and indulge him - a recipe for disaster in the long term - or he can begin to work on why he feels this way.

Zuve · 15/02/2023 15:13

Feelings are facts. It is very controlled and he should know some times you have to do what interests you

Opentooffers · 15/02/2023 15:35

He is basically saying that he will never be OK about you going on holiday or visiting other people for days without him. You need to decide if that is acceptable to you, it would not be for a lot of people and is a level of control that you don't have to tolerate.
Has he said he would kill himself if you split, or are you thinking yourself he might do that? That is also control if it has come from or been implied by him, otherwise he would not have said anything.
2 weeks away sounds like a great way for you to gain some perspective on this. It will also break the co-dependency that's built up. It sounds like you have developed resilience and coping strategies with your MH over the years, whereas he has not and stagnated, so you have developed and got better and he is holding you back.
Ask yourself what is the worst he can do in response to you going on your own? He has no right to stop you. It's good you don't have DCs together.