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Original poster

My partner doesn't ever want to marry me

98 replies

MillyDo · 14/02/2023 18:33

Hi,
We've been together for years- I don't want to out myself but basically he knows how much I want to get married and completely refuses . I haven't proposed or anything but hinted I guess. He says I'm an amazing woman but won't marry me. Why? Is this normal?
I know marriage isn't for everyone but we've been together a long time.
He moved into my home years ago. He's really generous and has practically brought my kids up. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.
He definitely has his faults with other things, sorry TMI but basically he doesn't like me farting around him as it puts him off. Things like that. Not sure what to do moving forward. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
KendrickLamaze · 14/02/2023 19:16

Hi OP. I'm in this position and have been with DP 15 years. He has legitimate reasons for not wanting marriage and I trust him.

Ultimately, you have to decide what's more important. Being married or being with your first choice... assuming that he is being genuine.

Also, as you have children that aren't his, I'd prefer not to be married so that everything you have goes to them and not him.

Springpetal · 14/02/2023 19:17

Why would you want to give him half your house in marriage???
thats for your kids surely

Proudofitbabe · 14/02/2023 19:17

I think men will usually go along with what the woman wants, if it matters to her and he wants the relationship enough. The fact he's so against it, I doubt it'll change. If it weren't for the fact it sounds like you're raising kids together I'd most definitely say cut your losses - but it's whether you could stomach that upheaval for the sake of marriage? You've managed this long, are you that bothered really?

xJoy · 14/02/2023 19:53

Abc12389 · 14/02/2023 18:49

If you own a house why would you put that at risk by marrying him?

Glad the house is yours.

Time to turn over a new leaf. This man is not what you want so why is he in your house? Reminding you every day of this failure to meet on the same page.
You'd be happier single.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 14/02/2023 20:14

Don't marry him if it's your property.

Noicant · 14/02/2023 20:20

I don’t get the farting bit either. While I have wafted my hands at Dh and said “jeeeezuz what the hell have you been eating” it’s not actually impacted out marital status. He doesn’t want to marry you then you can’t actually make him, decide if what you have is enough for you.

RememberNancyDrew · 14/02/2023 20:29

It's normal if there are pre-existing children because it will mess up inheritance.

MySugarBabyLove · 14/02/2023 20:33

There’s no right or wrong answer tbh.

Unless you own a house and children together marriage really is a pointless exercise. Because if you live together and are happy then nothing is going to change if you marry him. Marriage isn’t all romantic bliss, once you’re living together it’s just a piece of paper really when you don’t have any shared assets or children.

I don’t want to get married again either. Been there, done that. But now I’ve been with my partner for ten years I don’t see the point. He would have liked to once, he still would, but he doesn’t really see it as that big a deal either.

As for the farting thing, it surely depends. If a woman posted here that her dh was constantly farting around her people would say he was a disgusting pig. The fact that the OP has mentioned it and feels that it shouldn’t be an issue makes me think she’s not talking about an occasional accidental fart but that she makes a habit of doing it which is disgusting.

Ragwort · 14/02/2023 20:33

Why are you so keen to marry him? He has moved into your home Shock ... what financial contribution does he make?
As he doesn't seem to keen to 'legitimise' the relationship just ask him to leave ... you can date him if you want. But honestly as a home owner you are better off on your own.

HandyLady · 14/02/2023 20:37

Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

He doesn't have any incentive to marry you. Tell him to leave and make him leave. You asked him and he said no...so accept his offer with graciousness and tell him to go. No ifs, no buts. Only agree to meet him again after a few months have passed and he's begged and pleaded to speak to you. Then only agree to have sex with him or let him live in your house if he marries you. Once married, he gets all the nice things about marriage you have given him for zero commitment.

jtaeapa · 14/02/2023 20:41

Tell him to move out.

He doesn’t like you farting? Well farting is necessary. I’d tell him I don’t like him breathing so can he go and do it in another home.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/02/2023 20:45

Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

The 1900s called, they want their attitudes back. That was the sort of thing my late GM used to say (not DGM because she wasn't). She had an excuse, she was born in 1905. What's your's?

Lpc3 · 14/02/2023 21:01

Has he said why he is specifically against marriage? If not I would wager he just doesn't like you enough to get married (sorry to be so blunt).

BlluePeril · 14/02/2023 21:04

What’s n marriage for you, other than potentially handing over half a big asset? Another vote for not marrying him, keeping your house, and getting him to vacate it if you’re not happy with the status quo.

HandyLady · 14/02/2023 21:07

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/02/2023 20:45

Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

The 1900s called, they want their attitudes back. That was the sort of thing my late GM used to say (not DGM because she wasn't). She had an excuse, she was born in 1905. What's your's?

It's true. Like it or lump it.

AdoraBell · 14/02/2023 21:09

Definitely write a will and leave the house to your DC, and a friend or relative- yours not his relatives- as executors. Then either tell him to leave or put up with him if you don’t want to break up. Always put yourself and your DC first.

Ponderingwindow · 14/02/2023 21:10

If you are building a financial future together and plan to raise children together, marriage is a practical mechanism for that. If you already have children and a home, my question is why do you want to get married? If you marry him, he will have a claim on your assets instead of all of your assets belonging to your children if something happens to you

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/02/2023 21:21

HandyLady · 14/02/2023 21:07

It's true. Like it or lump it.

Show quote history

Oh it's you.

BlluePeril · 14/02/2023 21:25

HandyLady · 14/02/2023 21:07

It's true. Like it or lump it.

Show quote history

It really isn’t, unless you’re withholding sex to get Sid the Sexist to put a ring on your finger.

FawnFrenchieMum · 14/02/2023 21:26

I’ve never really understood why people who live together for ‘years’ suddenly want to get married. I just think if it’s something that’s important you, you do it early on if not then fine.
I suppose the financial security is one reason, but again, surely you do it before finances truly become intertwined.

HandyLady · 14/02/2023 21:27

Ponderingwindow · 14/02/2023 21:10

If you are building a financial future together and plan to raise children together, marriage is a practical mechanism for that. If you already have children and a home, my question is why do you want to get married? If you marry him, he will have a claim on your assets instead of all of your assets belonging to your children if something happens to you

The house wouldn't be classed as a marital asset unless they had lived in it together the entire time MillyDo owned it. It wouldn't be taken into account when dividing assets in a divorce.

BlluePeril · 14/02/2023 21:28

FawnFrenchieMum · 14/02/2023 21:26

I’ve never really understood why people who live together for ‘years’ suddenly want to get married. I just think if it’s something that’s important you, you do it early on if not then fine.
I suppose the financial security is one reason, but again, surely you do it before finances truly become intertwined.

In my case, DP had been desperate to get married for years, but I didn’t want to. In the end we did to make it easier to move to work in another country. Twenty one years after we first got together.

Biscuits1011 · 14/02/2023 21:28

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 14/02/2023 18:56

I love breathing in my partner’s earthy ones.

Show quote history

I was in a shit mood but this made me laugh 🤣

jazzybelle · 14/02/2023 21:31

And what about his farts?

Does he hold them in?!

BrendaWearingBaffies · 14/02/2023 21:33

maranella · 14/02/2023 18:53

Who on Earth LIKES their DP farting around them? I don't and I'm married to mine. It's disgusting.

We both let rip in front of each other. Better out than in🤣