Husband wants a divorce, I'm a sahm, what are the steps I need to take?

[Shockedandworried6]

Finally my husband has said he wants us to separate. This has been a long time coming & it was just a matter of time who said it first. I want to separate aswell.
He's only just said it, so we are right at the beginning of the journey. I don't know at this point if it will be amicable or not .I would like it to be.
We have 2 kids age 9 and 12. We live in an owned outright home ,with a declaration of trust 80% I own, 20% he owns. I think this is legally binding but I don't fully know .
If it was , my dad would pay him the 20% cash to enable me to stay in the property. I presume this would be OK?
I have absolutely no idea where to start. I have been a sahm for 8 years. Husband is a middle earner.we don't claim any benefits.
In the short term if I was here alone , I presume I could claim universal credit? I of course would get a job but need time to settle everyone and get into a routine etc of knowing contact dates etc for what days I could work.

Can the whole thing be settled out of court if amicable or do such things have to go through court? Such as financial split and custody of the children. If we agree on a plan is it OK for us to just do that and have a simple no fault divorce?

He earns 60k

What savings do you have? Universal credit is reduced if you have more than 6k in savings and stops all together if more than 16k. You’d be eligible for a small amount but you’d have work commitments straight away so you need to start looking for jobs now, and apply for universal credit as soon as he moves out as it’s 5 weeks from applying to finding out if you will get any money. And like others have said I’d seek legal advice now. I think if he pays maintenance that’s not counted as earnings for benefits, but spousal maintainable is.

As per previous poster, was the deed of trust signed before or after marriage? You really need some legal advice as there is every potential for this to be a shared marital asset albeit you would prob get a higher proportion of the total given current lack of employment.

On £60k you are highly unlikely to receive spousal maintenance given experience of my friends.

How long were you married? A deed of trust is unlikely to protect you as there is a need to house both parties so the children have somewhere to stay with either parent. First step is to think of likely childcare split. Who will be resident parent?

Any financial settlement will assume you will be working so best to start applying for jobs or your potentially likely earnings will be estimated. Any mortgage will be based of this.

Unfortunately both parties will be financially worse off after separation and it is best you agree financial separation jointly rather than go to court

If you have shared custody there will be no child maintenance paid, so you will need to find a job ASAP, don't worry about contact arrangements, our two children have tried a number of different schedules by trial. We didn't go to court, but we did pay for some useful mediation appointments which helped iron things out.

Also, we don't have a resident parent as such, its not a requirement.

My biggest bit of advice is to keep communicating. Try not to involve solicitors at all at this stage instead, sit down as two adults ideally without children listening in with a blank piece of paper and work out how you are going to manage the split.

First thing is the children - is he imagining 50/50 or a smaller amount of contact.

Second is the financial split of assets, assuming he accepts the house deed of trust then you take that out of the equation, what other assets, savings, pensions etc do you have? We split everything 60/40 in my favour, but that included the house.

Thirdly is ongoing maintenance, it's easiest to work out the child maintenance for the first few months at this stage, with a late to reconsider once all the finances are settled, I had spousal maintenance too.

Your other urgent need is to get work, initially part time school hours is perfect, this you should be looking to do urgently, it makes claiming uc easier as they will expect you to be job hunting nearly full time with children that age.

Your actual divorce is easily filed for online. You then need a consent order drawn up with your agreement which is rubber stamped by the court in most cases, I've found a firm that charges £200 as long as it's amicable and agreed

What a tough day.
I hope you're managed to have a good cry before the kids came home from school.

My DH has climbed the career ladder because he had no child care worries or mental load. I think it worked out well for the kids too. Financially for the family it was the right call at the time.

I'm surprised no savings, small pension on 60k , you should probably dig about for that.

Take it steady.
My bil, similar set up to you, split. He's living his best single life. Kids for 24hours once a week, absolute tops. His ex carries the full burden so have a think which way this might go. Is it unlikely to be half/half?

Remember to breathe. It will all sort out in the end.

You need to look for a job asap as it will be so much easier doing it whilst he’s still there.

You can claim UC but you will be a job seeker and you’ll be expected to look for work straight away.

Try and find a job that’s 16 hours as that’s the minimum you need to work without needing to go into the job centre.

I think paying him the 20% sounds like a great idea.
Although he could argue that he’s been paying for you to be a SAHP for years and so may want more.

Depending on how she and income etc he may be able to then put a deposit on his own place like a new build and get his own place to live.

The main thing is that you need to discuss it.
If it’s already been a long time coming then I don’t think there is any rush to move but you do both need to be on the same page about things.

He's only earnt 60k for a few years so no substantial savings etc. He's also got some debt (car/loan etc) so his outgoings are quite high.
I've been told before that the stay at home parent usually becomes the resident parent,so I thought it would be best to wait on the job front until things are more progressed? I have enough savings to support myself for about 4 months at first

I've been told before that the stay at home parent usually becomes the resident parent

Nobody is about to decide that for you though, that’s just what many couples plan, so if he plans to go for 50/50 you need to no sooner rather than later. You need a job regardless. Are the kids likely to be happy with 50/50 if that’s what he wants? Because if so there’s no reason he wouldn’t get it if you went to court. Hopefully you’ll be able to start discussing the kids very soon atleast.

Divorce Can be done simply
you can use a mediator

but the problem here is house and money
those items can slow thing down and involve Soliciter
and in this case I bet they will sadly

ps the 30 min free is an urban myth
get a decent one and pay

Whatever you do, @Shockedandworried6 , don't agree anything, even verbally, until you have spoken to a family solicitor.

Seeking legal advice doesn't mean that things need to become adversarial, but it means that you get the information you need to protect your future as best you can.

As, a first step, have a look at Wikivorce and any books on divorce that you can find in the library so that you can educate yourself about the process before consulting a solicitor.

I can’t stress enough, see a solicitor straight away. Don’t eat into your savings and leave him to swan off living as a single man on 60k while
you struggle. Remember you have been looking after his DC which has enabled him to climb the career ladder, sacrificing your own career.

Book an appointment with a solicitor as soon as you can
Talk to your DH Solicitors can and will liaise with each other but remember every letter costs!
He will obviously have access to the DC, but at 12 your DS' wishes will be taken into account
Don't assume divorce can remain amicable, but it's a bonus if it can.
After legal advice, start looking for a job
Regarding your property, I'm not sure if you mean deed of trust but if after you married both parties have to be accommodated

No idea OP, but I'm sorry to hear it, it must be a huge shock and maybe not the best time to try to plan everything all at once.

Take half of what is in the joint account out right now.

Do not do this.

I've been told before that the stay at home parent usually becomes the resident parent,so I thought it would be best to wait on the job front until things are more progressed?

You would still have to look for work even if you are the resident parent.

If I was you I would be looking and applying for things that come up.

Jobs are easy to find.
Jobs that are decent and fit around children aren’t so it’s best to start looking now, even if you don’t apply for any for a while.

One might come up in your child’s school which would be too good to turn down.

I would be open to 50/50 contact as it will benefit you hugely but it doesn’t always work in the DCs favour and often it’s just trial and error.

If he was the one who initiated the separation then I think you need to be the one who starts the discussion about the next step and coming up with a plan together.

Separating is as easy as you both make it.
If you’re both amicable and fair, then it will be nice and smooth.
If both or one of you is difficult, then it makes it much harder.

Good luck OP.

What proof do you have that he prevented you from working?

The OP doesn't need proof of this. Their situation is as it is - the law isn't interested in who said what or why or when. She has been a SAHM, and has to be compensated for the hit her own career has taken (regardless of whether she had been desperate to work all along, or had always dreamed of being a SAHM).

Your first step should be to talk to a solicitor. A solicitor doesn't mean you don't have a amicable settlement, it just means you won't make mistakes due to not knowing your rights.

Don't get a job right now. You may end up with a worse settlement if you do that. It is reasonable to expect some support to develop skills etc. and a court (or an agreement based on advice from solicitors) is more likely to give you that support if you are trying to do that rather than rushing out to get a minimum wage job with few prospects.

Think about what sort of work you might be able to do that would provide a reasonable lifestyle for you and your kids and look at how you get training or otherwise improve your prospects.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I repeat advice already given, but having gone through the same , I would say be prepared. I thought it would be amicable. I thought exdh was trustworthy and would want the best fir the kids…which he did right up til he got involved with someone else 6 months later. Cue complete behaviour change and screwing me financially at every turn. Agreeing on things and then doing the exact opposite.
Get a solicitor, but a GOOD one. I thought I had but turned out he was rubbish. I have walked away with nothing but the cist of a divorce covered and am screwed for the future.
I’d do it all again because my new life is infinitely better than being trapped in a loveless marriage, but wish I had been less naïve.

Regarding the house issue do I need to speak to a property solicitor who deals with house sales or a divorce/family solicitor?

She isn't automatically owed anything.
If the finances are not there then she doesn't get them.

He is on £60K with high outgoings and no assets. A judge will not take more of the house than is already divided as he needs to house himself.

Also if he can prove he is an active competent parent then you may have to argue why shared care is a bad idea rather then him having to fight for it.

She isn't automatically owed anything.
If the finances are not there then she doesn't get them.

He is on £60K with high outgoings and no assets. A judge will not take more of the house than is already divided as he needs to house himself.

Also if he can prove he is an active competent parent then you may have to argue why shared care is a bad idea rather then him having to fight for it.