Husband wants a divorce, I'm a sahm, what are the steps I need to take?

[Shockedandworried6]

Finally my husband has said he wants us to separate. This has been a long time coming & it was just a matter of time who said it first. I want to separate aswell.
He's only just said it, so we are right at the beginning of the journey. I don't know at this point if it will be amicable or not .I would like it to be.
We have 2 kids age 9 and 12. We live in an owned outright home ,with a declaration of trust 80% I own, 20% he owns. I think this is legally binding but I don't fully know .
If it was , my dad would pay him the 20% cash to enable me to stay in the property. I presume this would be OK?
I have absolutely no idea where to start. I have been a sahm for 8 years. Husband is a middle earner.we don't claim any benefits.
In the short term if I was here alone , I presume I could claim universal credit? I of course would get a job but need time to settle everyone and get into a routine etc of knowing contact dates etc for what days I could work.

Can the whole thing be settled out of court if amicable or do such things have to go through court? Such as financial split and custody of the children. If we agree on a plan is it OK for us to just do that and have a simple no fault divorce?

Divorce.

Can you answer Q about when Dec of trust was signed please? Before or after marriage?

You need to see a solicitor that deals with family and divorce to educate yourself so you know where you stand. You could even start with a list of questions and Google the answers so you have a check list when you see the solicitor of what is true or false.
Then when you start having conversations about the practicalities of actually separating , you will know what is doable and what is fantasy.
If you are passive you are unlikely to get a good result.

If he is wanting 50:50 it might help you when looking for work to have fixed days, for example he always has them Mon/ Tues nights and arranges childcare/ covers illness/ actvities he wants them to do on those days, you always have them Wed/Thur and arrange chilcare/illness/ activities. Fri/Sat/Sun then alternate. Then you know that you can work a couple of long days. They also know where they are each day of the week. You can then negotiate over holidays. Also means that you don't go 7 days without seeing them

This is factually incorrect. I’m genuinely surprised anyone is so ill informed as to think that. There is no right to compensation, what ever are you on about.

op. See a solicitor. Look at what benefits you can potentially claim. You need to agree custody and yes you need to work as you are going from sahm to effectively unemployed and benefits will be dependent on you looking for work.

you need to agree custody first off though, as the child maintenance due will depend on the split. Ie if he has them 50 percent nothing is due.

I've been told before that the stay at home parent usually becomes the resident parent

only if both parties choose this, or if there are extenuating circumstances.

the position is you both have equal parenting rights, so 50 50 split of custody is the default unless you both agree otherwise. You do not have more rights than him and would need to argue in court why you should have them more than him if it came to it.

At this age, the children’s view would be taken into account but you wouldn’t be allowed to reduce his parenting rights or do anything that would be seen as trying to alienate.

so for this, unless he indicates otherwise, assume 50 50

Just to recap - your parents bought you the house (80% of the house) and you know they will buy out his 20%?

You’ve also not worked for a decade and your husband has been supporting everyone in that time?

Your husband deserves more than 20%. Whether he is legally entitled to it I have no idea.

This is a legal advice question.

The OP has said that he did not want her to work, so he bears some responsibility for that decision too. He has had twelve years of subsidised housing and childcare. I don't feel too sorry for him.

You need to both talk first. So you can put to him your ideal situation and he can put forward his. You can both take some time to figure out a middle ground. Maybe you'll both be on a similar page. In which case you could settle out of court and keep things simple.

You both might have very different ideas about how it should go and that will really need to involve legal advice and probably court agreements in place.

No one can really advise further without you two talking. Maybe enroll the help of a mediator, professional or a person you know who would not be biased.

I don't agree with other posters that you need to immediately get to work. Things need to be as settled as possible for the kids and I agree you need to figure out contact to find work that fits. Universal credit is helpful but it is not very much and they will require you to look for and then take up 30hours of work with the kids at this age.

The OP has said that he did not want her to work, so he bears some responsibility for that decision too. He has had twelve years of subsidised housing and childcare

i don’t really get this, if she was working she’d be bringing in money and need to pay half the childcare. Marriages don’t work in this transactional manner and she can say he didn’t want her to work, but honestly she doesn’t seem to be too keen so I’m not sure I am totally buying she gave up work against her own will to take care of the kids and he prevented it. I suspect she was more than happy to do so. Which is what he will say. So it all becomes a point;ess argument.

the deed of trust needs to be looked at and when it was signed. That’s key. As this is a marriage then irrelevant of gender and who owns what the starting position is 50 50. And no one needs to be a stay at home parent to kids this age, if no additional needs. And it hasn’t been needed for some time.

A 12 year old could probably let themselves in after school each night. The 9 years old could either do after school care club or a child minder collect from school. You should aim on working full time asap. Will your stbexh say if he wants equal care of DC or a bit less? He could get up and get kids breakfast, drop 9 years old to CM on way to work.12 year old set off to school himself. Same routine whether kids with you or stbexh. If you both stay in same area kids can go to same schools. You need to talk to stbexh to establish if he will stay living locally so kids can stay in same schools. Find out if he wants every other week with DC. Sometimes DC spend week 1 with Mum but will see Dad after school 1 day in Mums week and in week 2 vice versa. A lot of parents sad not to have DC at Xmas day. The only kind thing my exh ever did after we divorced was to agree children spend Xmas Eve and Xmas day with me and they went to him first thing Boxing Day and came back on 28th Dec. I think he did not want hassle of making Xmas dinner and stockings for DC. He gave them 1 big present each then money as they got older. You can do this OP. I found once he had left house atmosphere so much better and children happier as no parents not speaking or worse still arguing. You will need to find out about order on house and stbexh pension, plus any pension you have, any savings any of you have and solicitor will need to see wedding certificate. If you can speak and find out what stbexh wants with regard to DC then go to solicitor. Well worth money spent imho.

The current system is geared up to get a 'clean break' financial settlement between spouses wherever possible and spousal maintenance is a lot less common than it used to be and often time limited. In short the idea of the stay at home spouse being kept 'in the style to which she is accustomed' is for the history books. As such, I really do agree with other posters advising you to start getting your own source of income in place.

Also, please bear in mind that the court may well refuse to grant a consent order if the judge perceives it as unfair even if the parties have agreed to terms. You can't just do what you like.

I would strongly discourage you from not obtaining a consent order as part of your divorce. Big risks of future trouble if you don't - for example he could agree now to you keeping all your equity in the house and still have a legal basis to come after you for it later if there is no consent order in place.

Thanks for all of the advice. I will definitely be going to work
The declaration of trust is in our married names.
my parents bought 100% of the house and we dont pay any rent. We live there free of charge. My dad came up with the idea of putting my husband down for 20% to give my husband some protection and acknowledgement. But he has lived there rent free for over 15 years

For benefits purposes the 'resident' person doesn't just mean the one with most contact, it is also for parents doing 50/50. Only one parent can receive child related benefits. The notion being that the parents then need to sort it out between themselves. The parent who receives the CB is always the resident parent for benefits. And thats typically always the mother.

She's not GETTING 80% of it - she already owns 80% of it and is buying him out of the other 20%.

Your last sentence - well you were married so.....? that's the kind of dickish thoughts that men have sometimes about things