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Original poster

Thought of having a second baby fills me with dread

62 replies

Cato9lives · 14/02/2023 10:21

I would really like to hear from people who have experienced similar..

Me and my partner are both fit and healthy 40 yr olds (reproductive age is the only issue there). I am a stay at home mum (for now). Our daughter is 2. My partner desperately wants a second child but I do not. I hated the baby stage. My main issues are having to get up in the night / early mornings, long lonely boring days, and the general stress of it all, not to mention having 2 at the same time! (I also had very bad mastitis and now have scars on one of my beasts). There was a point when when my daughter was younger that I was so stressed that I had a panick attack when we were away for a few days.
I'm not sure if it would be easier the second time round but i know my stress threshold is pretty low and I think having to go through it all again plus having to cope with 2 might push me over the edge. I have discussed this with my husband but it doesn't change what he wants. We have even got to the point where we have discussed splitting up if I won't give him a second child. I really don't know what to do. I want my partner to be happy but not at the cost of my happiness. Can anyone help me?!😐

OP posts:
CatJumperTwat · 14/02/2023 10:23

There's no compromise here. If he's selfish enough to split up your family and leave your daughter for some hypothetical second baby then he certainly isn't a good enough father to sacrifice your health and happiness for.

I'm really sorry he's putting you in this position. I would let him leave.

Hoppinggreen · 14/02/2023 10:29

Hes saying that another baby (that he won’t carry, give birth to or breast feed) is more important than your health and your family unit.
I don’t think I could stay with a man like that

AnnaTortoiseshell · 14/02/2023 10:32

Seriously? He’s willing to put you through all that even though you had such a difficult time last night and you don’t want to? He is considering leaving you because you won’t ‘give him’ another child?! It’s hard to imagine how selfish you’d have to be to be willing to do that to you and your DD. He sounds absolutely awful, I’m so sorry.

Ursulaursula82 · 14/02/2023 10:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 14/02/2023 10:33

Last time*

CurlyGirlMumma · 14/02/2023 10:34

Obviously the one who doesn't want a second trumps the one who does.

But I would say I found it soooo much easier the second time. Mine are 21 months apart so not particularly easy but transitioning from 1 to 2 was a breeze compared to going from 0 to 1. Breastfeeding was east from day 1. Baby 2 was a lot more chilled, I put this down to me being more relaxed because I knew what I was doing 2nd time round.

They are now nearly 2 & 3.5. And they are (mostly) the best of friends.

CarmenBizet · 14/02/2023 10:42

I'm in a similar position, but I'm the one wanting a second while husband doesn't.

The person who doesn't want a child wins. End of story. Whether that's child one or child number ten. You need two yeses.

I'm sorry but him saying you might split up if you don't have another strikes me as quite manipulative. I'd be lying if I didn't say there are times when I consider how badly I want another and whether it's worth ending the marriage and starting a fresh or not, though I always come back to no, it's not worth it and I'd rather have a family of three than split up our family for the possibility of a second with someone else. But I would never say that to my husband, I would quietly make that decision and inform him if it ever came to it. Otherwise it's a threat, it's basically saying 'give me another child or I'm leaving' and it's not fair to ANYONE to have a child you don't want!

MN can be weird about this topic, I've seen people say stuff like 'I'll be damned if I let a man tell me whether I can have a child or not' or 'no way would I allow my husband to dictate how many kids I have' but the fact remains that either of you are allowed to say no, you don't want another child, and that's how it must remain unless one of you changes your mind.

If he wants it badly enough he's willing to leave then let him, because the resentment will run so deep it will destroy the relationship anyway. But even that outcome is preferable to having a child you don't want. That's not fair on you or the child or your existing child.

If he says 'it doesn't change what I want' then simply say 'okay' and walk away or change the subject. It doesn't matter whether his mind changes or not frankly, because he doesn't get to insist you have another child. He can have one with someone else as is his right but he can't make one with you unless you want it. My husband wanting to stop at one hasn't changed what I want but neither does wanting a second mean I have the right to have one WITH HIM. We all get to decide for ourselves what we want and if that makes the relationship incompatible then so be it.

Mischance · 14/02/2023 10:42

It is entirely OK for him to want this - there are lots of things in relationships that one wants and the other doesn't - discussion is the key.

On the topic of a second baby, there are arguments on both sides. I found second and subsequent third baby massively easier than the first in every way. I had got past the worrying about every tiny thing and was able to let a lot of the stress float by me. The births were easier too. Having a baby and a toddler was challenging , but I found it a joyous experience, in spite of it being hard work.

But it may be that the word joyous is something that you cannot begin to imagine in relation to having a baby - we are all different.

Clearly it is fine for you to decide against a second - but it is also fine for your OH to say that this is what he wants. It does not mean that he is a bad person; he simply has a different wish to you.

I hope you can resolve this amicably; but I think the most important thing is that you do not label him as bad as some PPs have.

ManchesterGirl2 · 14/02/2023 10:43

Is he willing to take the parental leave and do the majority of the childcare? Would you trust him to stick by his word? Would you be comfortable bottle feeding?

There are compromises and ways around a lot of the issues you raise, but only if he is the kind of man completely willing to take that on board.

Once past the baby stage, how many kids would you ideally want?

CatJumperTwat · 14/02/2023 10:45

Clearly it is fine for you to decide against a second - but it is also fine for your OH to say that this is what he wants. It does not mean that he is a bad person; he simply has a different wish to you.

That would be true if his actions didn't impact other people. But good people DO consider their impact on others and act accordingly.

billy1966 · 14/02/2023 10:47

AnnaTortoiseshell · 14/02/2023 10:32

Seriously? He’s willing to put you through all that even though you had such a difficult time last night and you don’t want to? He is considering leaving you because you won’t ‘give him’ another child?! It’s hard to imagine how selfish you’d have to be to be willing to do that to you and your DD. He sounds absolutely awful, I’m so sorry.

This.

He is horrible and controlling.

Do NOT have another child with this selfish man.

Get back to work.

One and done is YOUR choice.

Do not have a baby for him.

It is too much of a sacrifice for another person.

Don't do it.

PassTheDuckie · 14/02/2023 10:49

Obviously we are the ones carrying, birthing and nursing the child, but I’d have been devastated had the father of my child told me he didn’t want a second. We had discussed aiming for two before we got married. I think it’s hard for men to have this totally taken out of their hands, and some compassion would be ok towards him.

i was not in your position, but a friend was. She ended up relenting, had child two. Struggled a bit for the first six months, but then really got into it, no regrets. Child 2 is now nearly eight, and she’s really glad she has her, as well as seeing the joy the little one brought to the first child.

I too had horrendous mastitis, and still have scars on one breast too. They are fading though, and I do expect in time them to be very faint. I do under your upset over that though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2023 10:54

Has he suggested swapping so he’s the SAHP and you go back to work? You’d have to do the pregnancy bit but he could do the nights and long days.

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 10:56

Devils advocate here
If this was a post where a female wrote they wanted a second and the husband didn't, most replies would be 'if this is what you want and your other half doesn't leave to enable that future for yourself'

If you are dead set against not having another baby - absolutely fine as that's your choice and you shouldn't be pushed/manipulated/forced to say yes.
But your husband should leave you to go fulfil that wish of his, without guilt or judgement.

Lcb123 · 14/02/2023 11:00

This bit sent a shiver down my spine "if I won't give him a second child." - you're not a baby machine. The fact he'd leave his wife and existing child for not having a second is pretty depressing, I just cannot understand this mindset.
If your (very valid) concerns are the night wakes/boring days, but not so much the pregnancy and birth, he should be a SAHP and you go back to work soon after the birth.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2023 11:04

This bit sent a shiver down my spine "if I won't give him a second child." - you're not a baby machine. The fact he'd leave his wife and existing child for not having a second is pretty depressing, I just cannot understand this mindset.

I completely agree. And there are obvious differences between what men and women go through in order to make a baby.

But you must be new here if you haven’t seen the countless threads where women are considering leaving and taking the existing baby or child and breaking up the family in order to try and find someone else to have a subsequent hypothetical child with and are supported by an army of posters saying variations of you go girl/biology is powerful so follow your instincts/he’s a selfish arsehole denying you a baby/of course your child deserves a sibling even if it means having two households.

crazysausagespart2 · 14/02/2023 11:06

CurlyGirlMumma · 14/02/2023 10:34

Obviously the one who doesn't want a second trumps the one who does.

But I would say I found it soooo much easier the second time. Mine are 21 months apart so not particularly easy but transitioning from 1 to 2 was a breeze compared to going from 0 to 1. Breastfeeding was east from day 1. Baby 2 was a lot more chilled, I put this down to me being more relaxed because I knew what I was doing 2nd time round.

They are now nearly 2 & 3.5. And they are (mostly) the best of friends.

I know people mean well when they say how easy it was to go from 1 to 2, but your baby being chilled probably had nothing to do with you being more relaxed. He/she is probably just an easy baby. My second has been a terror from the day he was born...gorgeous and I love him, but hard work in every way. Going from 1 to 2 was beyond difficult for our family. So please be aware that these rosy second child stories are not universal.

So OP stick to what you feel is right for you, or suggest that he stays home with your second whilst you go to work. He can do all the night feeds and carry all the mental load. His views on having a second might change...

2crossedout1 · 14/02/2023 11:06

It's fine for you to not want a baby. It's fine for him to want a baby. But the person who doesn't, whether male or female, always wins this one (unless the other person changes their mind).

Also, I'm really sorry to bring up the MN cliche, but as you are a SAHM and not married you are financially vulnerable. Can you look into returning to work?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/02/2023 11:08

Do not have a baby if you don't want one.

He can choose whether to stay and be satisfied or leave.

Go back to work.

TwilightSkies · 14/02/2023 11:11

Don’t do it. There’s a million valid reasons not to. But the main one is that you don’t want to.

Mariposista · 14/02/2023 11:12

No way, he is being so so selfish.
Go back to work and stand firm.

xfan · 14/02/2023 11:14

Being in your 40s, you may not conceive easily or at all, and being fit and healthy is irrespective of the quality of your eggs. Sperm quality declines too in men, so it may already be too late, and this thread rather pointless

CatSpeakForDummies · 14/02/2023 11:14

It isn't clear from your post what you would want if you weren't stressed/anxious. A lot of your arguments are totally under your control to change and fear based. Can you sit down by yourself and think: I would want a baby if - he gets up in the night, you don't breastfeed, the toddler goes in nursery, I get help for my anxiety...

If it is still a no, then he has to come round to respecting that but if you are just giving him these kind of fixable reasons, then I can see why he is still hoping you will do it, just differently.

It also doesn't sound like being a SAHM is working for you, would you consider going back to work?

Original poster
Cato9lives · 14/02/2023 11:17

Much thanks to the people who have posted the more balanced responses. I really appreciate it.

With regards to my partner being a stay at home dad, we have discussed this but in reality I just don't think it would work for us.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 14/02/2023 11:26

at the moment this is all about what he wants and if he doesnt get it, then he will leave. so what if you have the second baby and he decides he wants a third? or if the baby is born with additional needs/disability? or what if you cant conceive? if you wanted a second baby but couldnt face all the issues you had last time then you can get around many of them - bottle feeding rather than breast feeding, having a night nurse in to help overnight settling and sleeping etc. yes it costs but it could be doable. I had a lot of help with my last child along these lines and it did make it all a lot, lot easier. but it wasnt cheap and it wasnt something we had budgetted for (very much loved and wanted but not planned and over 40 when I gave birth) I think you both need to sit down and have a talk about this again in a calm way and look at all the options. but at the end of the day, if you really dont want another child and he really wont budge either then you have to go your separate ways.