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Original poster

Thought of having a second baby fills me with dread

62 replies

Cato9lives · 14/02/2023 10:21

I would really like to hear from people who have experienced similar..

Me and my partner are both fit and healthy 40 yr olds (reproductive age is the only issue there). I am a stay at home mum (for now). Our daughter is 2. My partner desperately wants a second child but I do not. I hated the baby stage. My main issues are having to get up in the night / early mornings, long lonely boring days, and the general stress of it all, not to mention having 2 at the same time! (I also had very bad mastitis and now have scars on one of my beasts). There was a point when when my daughter was younger that I was so stressed that I had a panick attack when we were away for a few days.
I'm not sure if it would be easier the second time round but i know my stress threshold is pretty low and I think having to go through it all again plus having to cope with 2 might push me over the edge. I have discussed this with my husband but it doesn't change what he wants. We have even got to the point where we have discussed splitting up if I won't give him a second child. I really don't know what to do. I want my partner to be happy but not at the cost of my happiness. Can anyone help me?!😐

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2023 11:29

Cato9lives · 14/02/2023 11:17

Much thanks to the people who have posted the more balanced responses. I really appreciate it.

With regards to my partner being a stay at home dad, we have discussed this but in reality I just don't think it would work for us.

Because he wouldn’t want to be at home or you don’t want to work?

AGoldenNarwhal · 14/02/2023 11:38

You need two yeses for a second child. The 'no' wins every time.

But I'm a bit confused from your posts as to whether you don't want a second child or you don't want a second baby. Some people love the baby phase but, for many, it's just something you endure until you get to the stage where they're better company, more independent and you're not cleaning shit up and madly running after them the whole time.

If you would like a second child but you can't face another baby, it might be worth having a chat with your partner about what sort of package of support could be put in place to make it bearable for you.

And in your place I'd be insisting on getting married or no second child and I'd be back to work. There's no way I would let someone progress professionally on the back of my unpaid labour without having a legal right to my share of any assets accumulated.

Cassy92 · 14/02/2023 11:39

CarmenBizet · 14/02/2023 10:42

I'm in a similar position, but I'm the one wanting a second while husband doesn't.

The person who doesn't want a child wins. End of story. Whether that's child one or child number ten. You need two yeses.

I'm sorry but him saying you might split up if you don't have another strikes me as quite manipulative. I'd be lying if I didn't say there are times when I consider how badly I want another and whether it's worth ending the marriage and starting a fresh or not, though I always come back to no, it's not worth it and I'd rather have a family of three than split up our family for the possibility of a second with someone else. But I would never say that to my husband, I would quietly make that decision and inform him if it ever came to it. Otherwise it's a threat, it's basically saying 'give me another child or I'm leaving' and it's not fair to ANYONE to have a child you don't want!

MN can be weird about this topic, I've seen people say stuff like 'I'll be damned if I let a man tell me whether I can have a child or not' or 'no way would I allow my husband to dictate how many kids I have' but the fact remains that either of you are allowed to say no, you don't want another child, and that's how it must remain unless one of you changes your mind.

If he wants it badly enough he's willing to leave then let him, because the resentment will run so deep it will destroy the relationship anyway. But even that outcome is preferable to having a child you don't want. That's not fair on you or the child or your existing child.

If he says 'it doesn't change what I want' then simply say 'okay' and walk away or change the subject. It doesn't matter whether his mind changes or not frankly, because he doesn't get to insist you have another child. He can have one with someone else as is his right but he can't make one with you unless you want it. My husband wanting to stop at one hasn't changed what I want but neither does wanting a second mean I have the right to have one WITH HIM. We all get to decide for ourselves what we want and if that makes the relationship incompatible then so be it.

Nice post and exactly right!

MisschiefMaker · 14/02/2023 11:40

He sounds like a bully. Did he pull his weight with the first child?

Pinkdafodils · 14/02/2023 11:45

The person who doesn't want a child wins. End of story.

This!!

Pinkdafodils · 14/02/2023 11:49

Your 2 year old is just coming out of the baby/toddler phase and you can start doing lots more fun things together. Another baby, especially at your age, would make life tougher for sure. There's also no guarantee that siblings get on well.

Misty999 · 14/02/2023 11:49

I am 40 and have a two and four year old I'm not going to lie it was awful first six months and still is really hard work. If you have doubts don't do it. When I just have one of my children it is so much easier.

StarsSand · 14/02/2023 11:53

Don't have a child you don't want.

Your DH is out of line trying to pressure you.

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 14/02/2023 11:53

My friend had this - she only wanted one child, husband two - she just took the pill and moaned every month that they weren’t expecting!
maybe the wrong thing to do but she really didn’t want a 2nd one as her DH was pretty useless and she knew he’d not do anything!
(not for me to judge her as I didn’t live her life!)

it is your choice so you have to do what’s best for you 🤷‍♀️

Wakemeup17 · 14/02/2023 11:55

Oh so it's fine for a woman to take the pill and fake trying for a child and it's fine for a woman to conveniently forget the pill and get pregnant accidentally but if the husband says he'd leave to have another child, he's an asshole?

badgergirly · 14/02/2023 11:59

I felt like this before we had our DC2.

I always wanted one child, and he's just turned 6. DH always wanted 2 children but didn't really put any pressure on me for another but always made his feeling known.

I had a rough labour first time around and our son was a challenging toddler, I hated the toddler times, i was also a SAHM.

DC1 started to go to pre school and time started to head towards him starting school. I suddenly felt very sad, that I didn't have a baby anymore and as I headed towards 40, felt worried in case I got to 45 and regretted not having another baby and then it was too late.

So, in May 2021 we decided to try for a baby and just see what happened...

We now have a 10 month old and our family is complete. I had a very quick labour this time around, much worse than the first time and it's took me pretty much about 8 months to recover but I can't imagine my life without him and I'm so glad we tried again.

I'm not sure if this story is helpful or not but I wanted you to know I felt exactly the same as you do.

Naunet · 14/02/2023 12:08

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 10:56

Devils advocate here
If this was a post where a female wrote they wanted a second and the husband didn't, most replies would be 'if this is what you want and your other half doesn't leave to enable that future for yourself'

If you are dead set against not having another baby - absolutely fine as that's your choice and you shouldn't be pushed/manipulated/forced to say yes.
But your husband should leave you to go fulfil that wish of his, without guilt or judgement.

FFS, news flash for you but there is no “if this was the other way around…” bullshit here, because men can’t get pregnant and give birth. And no, he should be judge for walking away from his family unit to go have another baby, because he’s not the one doing all the fucking childcare.

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 12:59

@Naunet you have no idea if he is doing childcare or not. She says he works full time that doesn't state if he does childcare.

So if me and my husband discussed multiple children before we had any. After the first husband found it difficult but I wanted a second one, am I a bad person for splitting up a family to pursue a second child?

Naunet · 14/02/2023 13:13

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 12:59

@Naunet you have no idea if he is doing childcare or not. She says he works full time that doesn't state if he does childcare.

Again, you want to play pretend that all things are equal. Women are not breeding stock and men can’t give birth, there is no equality there, there is no “if this was the other way around”.

OP, maybe you can confirm, who did the majority of the baby care? Who was the one getting up at night, or was it shared? Would he take extended paternity leave to do all of that this time? What will he offer you in return for the additional trauma on your body? How would he make it easier for you? Has he made any suggestions at all, or just placed his demands?

Serpensortia · 14/02/2023 13:18

WTH did I just read? He's fcuking blackmailing you! If you don't want another baby, then don't have one. He has no right to hold a split up over you if you don't give him another child.

Tell him NO, and if he's going to leave you then he better get on with it.

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 13:19

Sorry I just thought the world was now a place where we were striving for equality (obviously not there yet) but bridging those gaps where we can.

Naunet · 14/02/2023 13:25

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 13:19

Sorry I just thought the world was now a place where we were striving for equality (obviously not there yet) but bridging those gaps where we can.

How do you create equality around having children, when men can’t get pregnant and take none of the risks exactly? You can’t pretend nature isn’t real. Or maybe you can, tell him you’ll have another OP, but he can grow and birth this one, because that would be equality 🙄

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 13:29

That's ridiculous, of course he can't birth a baby. Haha I'll stop replying as this seems argumentative and derailing OP.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 14/02/2023 13:44

Naunet · 14/02/2023 12:08

Show quote history

Amen. And to add to this I’d say anyone splitting up their child’s family to go and have a child with someone else is unbelievably selfish, irrespective of sex.

OP, you said something about balanced responses, I’m assuming my post isn’t one of the ones you felt was balanced. Serious question, what were your hopes from this thread? Were you hoping to hear it won’t be that bad the second time around? It may well not be! I’ve got two - the first is just three and my second is a baby. It’s been a total breeze compared to the first time around. But I wanted two, whereas you couldn’t be clearer that you don’t want to go through it all again. Your DH is threatening to leave you if you won’t? When he has none of the physical burden of pregnancy, labour, and breastfeeding, and will only do part of the childcare? To me that is absolutely absurd and I’d be beyond appalled if that was my DH. You’re not a bloody incubator, you’re a human being with bodily autonomy and he should listen to and respect your (by the sounds of it, very firm) no.

CatJumperTwat · 14/02/2023 13:45

After the first husband found it difficult but I wanted a second one, am I a bad person for splitting up a family to pursue a second child?

Yes.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 14/02/2023 13:49

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 12:59

@Naunet you have no idea if he is doing childcare or not. She says he works full time that doesn't state if he does childcare.

Um, yes?!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/02/2023 13:53

He'd break up his existing child's home over this?

What a shit person.

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 13:54

I feel like maybe my perception is warped, as I personally know a family that split as one wanted a second child.
Split was all amicable as dad only wanted one child and did 50/50 childcare, no fights of maintenance/property etc. in laws still in contact.
Dad happy with 50% contact with the only child he wanted and mum went on to have the other two children she yearned for.

aSofaNearYou · 14/02/2023 14:01

I disagree with a lot of the comments here, I don't think he's unreasonable to want more or to consider leaving if it isn't going to happen. It's not the choice I would make but I don't think he's a shot person.

Ultimately it's entirely your choice and if the bottom line is you do not want another child then that's that. But I would give some thought into how you might feel if things were done differently. For example, you could bottle feed and share the nights out more equally. Would that change how you feel?

For my part, I wasn't sure I could cope with another when DD was 2 but it wasn't long after that that I started to feel like I couldn't keep up with her imaginative play and it would actually make my life easier to have another.

CatJumperTwat · 14/02/2023 14:14

whattobuy4 · 14/02/2023 13:54

Interesting that you talk about the father and mother being happy, but nothing about the child.

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