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Original poster

Thought of having a second baby fills me with dread

62 replies

Cato9lives · 14/02/2023 10:21

I would really like to hear from people who have experienced similar..

Me and my partner are both fit and healthy 40 yr olds (reproductive age is the only issue there). I am a stay at home mum (for now). Our daughter is 2. My partner desperately wants a second child but I do not. I hated the baby stage. My main issues are having to get up in the night / early mornings, long lonely boring days, and the general stress of it all, not to mention having 2 at the same time! (I also had very bad mastitis and now have scars on one of my beasts). There was a point when when my daughter was younger that I was so stressed that I had a panick attack when we were away for a few days.
I'm not sure if it would be easier the second time round but i know my stress threshold is pretty low and I think having to go through it all again plus having to cope with 2 might push me over the edge. I have discussed this with my husband but it doesn't change what he wants. We have even got to the point where we have discussed splitting up if I won't give him a second child. I really don't know what to do. I want my partner to be happy but not at the cost of my happiness. Can anyone help me?!😐

OP posts:

Pinkdafodils · 14/02/2023 14:17

I personally know a family that split as one wanted a second child. Split was all amicable as dad only wanted one child and did 50/50 childcare, no fights of maintenance/property etc. in laws still in contact. Dad happy with 50% contact with the only child he wanted and mum went on to have the other two children she yearned for.*

Wow, that sounds quite selfish and entitled - shouldn't the parents not consider the happiness and welfare of their existing child??

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/02/2023 14:22

Do not have another baby.I have an only,9 yr old ds and wouldn't have another for the reasons you describe.

unstoppable1 · 14/02/2023 14:46

Also, a second child is not a given. What happened if you tried and wasn't able/getting pregnant?

Some people struggle with secondary infertility, how would that affect the situation?

Do you think he would be satisfied that you had tried or would he consider splitting from you?

Mom2K · 14/02/2023 17:01

Obviously we are the ones carrying, birthing and nursing the child, but I’d have been devastated had the father of my child told me he didn’t want a second. We had discussed aiming for two before we got married

What we think having children is going to be like may be very different than the reality though. Pre-children I always thought that I wanted/would have 4. I had 2 and everything about both pregnancies and the newborn stages (and having them so close together- 14 months apart) was hard. I also struggled with post partum both times too. I adore my children (now teenagers) but would never ever put myself through any of it again. It wouldn't be fair to hold anyone to a discussion about how many children they want to have when they expressed that desire without prior experience as to what that is actually like. And as other posters said, even if you have a great first experience, the second, third etc can be completely different. For me it wouldn't matter if someone could guarantee that with one more baby everything would be easy - I still wouldn't do it.

I can't believe anyone would threaten to leave their partner (man or woman) if the other party didn't want to have a second child. It's entirely different if one party doesn't want any children at all but to break up an existing family for this I just can't comprehend. It's one thing if you feel that way and are trying to work through those emotions privately, but to say it is like issuing an ultimatum. No one should have a baby in that circumstance.

MisschiefMaker · 14/02/2023 18:49

Red flags all over this.

How did you end up a SAHM if you don't like the long lonely days with the kid? How did you decide to be a SAHM if you're unmarried? Did you give up a job with prospects for this life? Does he financially compensate you or are you doing all the childcare for free while he saves all the money he'd need to otherwise spend on childcare?

How much of the parenting does the father do? Are you a SAHP so he can justify not doing much? You seem to have found it all really difficult so I wonder if you've had adequate support. Sorry if I'm way off base here but it's sounding like he doesn't care for your needs so I'm wondering how big a problem this is.

GreyCarpet · 14/02/2023 19:11

Controlling and manipulative amongst other things?

I shall he sire to look put for those res0kse she next time a woman posts saying she wants a second child but her husband doesn't akd she's considering breaking up with him because of it.

Oh, that's right. The man is still called controlling and manipulative (amongst other things) and the woman is told that if he really loved her then he would have the second baby 🙄

Some people really do need to listen to themselves.

Of course, there are reasonable responses in all cases.

Nails1x1x · 14/02/2023 19:31

That is really tough.
2 is definitely harder than one in my opinion… I’ve found it to be hard work when they both need you at the same time.
however having said that with the 2 year age gap it all comes flooding back to you and you do get used to the lack of sleep and no time to yourself relatively quickly.

good luck in whichever path you decide to take x

PretzelBite · 14/02/2023 20:24

even with your postpartum struggles aside, not wanting to is in itself a valid reason to not have another child. He has put you in a horrible situation. Put yourself and your existing dc first. As others have said, look at going back to work now, especially if you don’t like the lonely days of being a sahm. This will help.

Noicant · 14/02/2023 20:30

Dh wanted a second, I didn’t, so I said no and that was the end of the conversation. If he threatened to leave me I would be like “don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out” because it would have said a lot about how disposable I am to him. Having children is serious business and should require the full and enthusiastic consent of both parents.

Return2thebasic · 14/02/2023 20:36

It's unreasonable to chase the dream of wanting another child at the cost of your mental health. The children would suffer too if you are depressed or completely break down.

Does your husband really care about you ? How could he ignore it would potentially push your mental health off the cliff?

I always wanted the second one since I hady first at 35. But not until I was nearly 40, I felt we probably could give it another go. It's really no point to have an unhappy family just because one of you want another child. What for???

OhCobblers · 14/02/2023 22:25

PretzelBite · 14/02/2023 20:24

Absolutely 100% this xx

billy1966 · 15/02/2023 10:24

Cato9lives · 14/02/2023 11:17

Much thanks to the people who have posted the more balanced responses. I really appreciate it.

With regards to my partner being a stay at home dad, we have discussed this but in reality I just don't think it would work for us.

Well its not working for you either.

Not married.
Not working.
Not earning money.
No financial independence.
Not enjoying being a SAHM which makes you so VULNERABLE.
Not wanting a second child understandably.

Arsehole partner threatening to leave if you don't have another child which will only make you MORE VULNERABLE.

On what planet is the above a good idea OP?

Get back to work ASAP.

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