My DH never hears me speak

[Goandplay]

My DH probably has ADHD. Our child does and it clearly runs in the family.

My DH never hears me speak. I think is a mix of sometimes he is fixated on whatever he is doing and selective hearing. I think he has cancelled out my voice in his head. I am softly spoken but we will be side by side and he will what feels like ignore me.

I feel really lonely.

He is phone obsessed - he always has it in his hand and will obsessively Google everything. He cannot maintain a conversation he has no interest in and will often cut across me speaking (and other sometimes) with whatever has popped into his mind.

I don't know how to manage this. I've tried speaking to him and he just doesn't get it.

Also it's so hard not being able to have a passing comment on something and then having to repeat, then explain what it was related to. He will always seem confused with general chit chat but on the other hand will sit there reading his facebook out, or whatever Google has to say about an actor on tv while we are watching, fact about our local area...

Do not readily assume ADHD here re your H particularly if you've self diagnosed him. There's far more to ADHD than a lot of people realise or assume and you may be wrong.

How is he around other people like your DC, other family members, retail staff and the neighbours?. I would think he does not treat his work colleagues with such overt disdain either. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Only you can decide whether you’re able to live like that. I couldn’t.

Adhd is not an excuse for contempt, op.

He won’t change and you’ll grind yourself into the dust trying to get him to.

if you can leave him, do. If you can’t, build up a satisfying life for yourself separately from him.

I do this sometimes, to an extent. It's because the thoughts in my head are too much and too absorbing a lot of the time for me to also be completely cognisant of what's going on around me. It has absolutely nothing to do with contempt, it's just it takes my brain a while to realise that someone's speaking to me (maybe half a minute or a minute). I do always snap out of it once I've realised though - I'm perfectly capable of holding a conversation and paying attention to what people are saying once I'm aware. I also apologise every time for being rude, even if it is entirely unintentional.

He may be worse than me though, depending on how severe his ADHD is. If it's really bad he should get it diagnosed and get on some meds for it, which will help a lot. His fixation on his phone will be for the dopamine hits, and his focus on what he's interested in will be hyper-focus.

He could just be an arse, of course. Or he could have ADHD and also be an arse! However if it's severe ADHD there won't be much he can realistically do to change it as it's about how his brain functions (but if he was motivated enough he likely could mitigate it slightly; it's exhausting though, like constantly herding cats in your mind).

I understand that it must feel very lonely.

Good advice.

Get out if you can at all.

I should have given more information around the ADHD. Not self diagnosed, the doctor who diagnosed our child said Dad very likely had ADHD based on lots of other information given.

I suppose I wonder if he can help it or not.

That's how it feels - contempt. His dad was very similar to his mum. Other than this I don't doubt he loves me. He will do things for me, goes out of his way to make my life easier and better, plans our future, will do things he thinks will make me happy - everything but this. If feels so rude.

I see him do it to other people. His friend will say he can only talk about 5 topics in a jokey way. He will often tell me something about someone he's spoken to and then not remember anything that was said. I see him start a conversation with someone and drift off. He will decide something in his mind and no matter what he hears he cannot change his view.

This is exactly how it appears to me. He is obsessive in his thoughts and once he has something in his mind it goes round and round and round. He cannot hold any type of concentration outside of being hyper focused.

If he's kind and considerate in every way outside of this then I think you'd be very harsh for interpreting it as contempt. It very likely isn't. IME it's also absolutely exhausting to try to stay 'with it' enough for work - a type of 'masking' really - so when you're not at work it's very easy to zone out and drop everything else to try to recover.

However, that said you need to tell him exactly how sand and lonely this makes you feel and then he and you together need to come up with some realistic things he could do to help you feel less bad. An apology makes a big difference, and trying, where you can, to do a bit better. He needs to adopt some strategies for managing it better. Of course he needs to a) understand how sad it makes you, and b) resolve to do what he can to not perpetuate it.

*sad

Nothing long and complex though. Just 1, apologise and 2, pay attention for five min while I talk to you!!

The bigger problem of your loneliness because he can't get it together to be fully present with you for more than a few minutes at a time is much harder to deal with, of course. Is he open to the idea of getting diagnosed/taking meds for it, and is that a realistic option for you, in budgetary terms?

Whatever the reason, do you want to live like this?

My STBXH was ultimately diagnosed with auditory processing disorder because he didn't hear me and he went to an audiologist and said his hearing was theoretically normal but the symptom constellation was consistent with APD. Basically he has to be told to listen and then can hear but he needs to be 'switched on'. There is neurodivergence in the family.
It was by no means the only contributory factor to the end of our marriage but it definitely was one major one.

He could try some medication for ADHD. They can be quite effective at slowing down the brain so it can engage with people who dont have ADHD (ie brains dont flit around like a butterfly until they hyperfocus and then cant be dragged off). See of he would consider going to the GP to get a trial of adderall or something similar

My boyfriend is the same...funnily enough I was only thinking about this last night and was googling to see if others have had the same experience.

Obsessed with his phone/tablet, on it from the minute he gets up in the morning until he goes to bed at night. Literally lives on social media. Trying to have a conversation with him is impossible...he either does not listen, or constantly interrupts. He also talks about himself non-stop.

We've been together 13 years, he's definitely got worse over that time. I know it's not personal, he's like it with everybody. He's been told off by his parents, friends, colleagues etc...to the point he nearly ended up in a disciplinary at work as he wouldn't stop interrupting people during meetings. When we meet up with mutual friends I'm constantly having to tell him to get off his phone...

Unfortunately his GP recently suggested he might have OCD. I say 'unfortunately' as he's now using it as an excuse to be constantly glued to his phone. This is a man in his early 50s. We don't live together as he works in another city, he has been talking about moving to my city but I've already told him I don't want us to live together.

I'm in my mid 50s, overweight and physically/mentally disabled. I haven't been able to work full time for a decade. The chances of me having another relationship are slim to none...it's the only reason I put up with this, believe me. I know others would say 'you'd be better off alone' but in my case I really would be on my own...I have no family in the UK and very few friends (once I stopped being able to socialise a lot dropped out of my life).

If I could have my time over, I would have ended things when the first signs appeared. Sorry I'm not more positive, but I think like most addictions (and I count this as one) only the person afflicted can decide to 'give up'.

Do you use his name and get him to look at you? That's the only way you'll be able to guess at whether he's paying attention!

Only you know whether you can put up with it. It is lonely. I've reset my expectations, and to be honest it's quite peaceful! Lots of social chit chat is about demonstrating connection rather than any actually interesting content. When you adjust your interpretation of it, it no longer matters.

He will resist any type of medication.

If we are visiting his parents I will text him to remind him to concentrate on what they are saying to him.

It's very hard to get him to do anything in response to this as he will feel that I am being over sensitive and I should know what he's like.

This seems to get worse with every passing year.

I wonder how many important conversations with our children, his family, friends etc he has missed over the years because he wasn't present.

I need to fulfil my conversation elsewhere. I feel jealous when I see other couples in deep conversation.

I felt heartbroken reading this. Only you know if you can put up with it, but it sounds absolutely devastating. So sorry OP

Ah @Goandplay that changes things a lot.

Sad that he is so resistant to medication, as he simply won't be able to be markedly different without it.

You do ultimately have two choices: Learn to adjust expectations on this one aspect of the person he is, and accept that it will always feature in your relationship with him (however you will likely feel less lonely once you have adjusted your expectations as much of it will be regular sadness at being disappointed yet again). You know he loves you and cares about you and he clearly does do many loving and thoughtful things for you. But loneliness in a marriage is such a terribly painful thing. There's also the child(ren) to consider.

Or, you accept that this relationship as it stands is no longer enough for you, that your emotional needs matter too, and that life is too short for too much sadness due to a situation you can't change but which you don't actually have to stay in.

Only you can make that decision.

Before you do, though, I would do some research into how difficult ADHD is for adults to manage. He can't help it, at the end of the day. And not everyone wants to take meds, which is also an understandable and valid choice he gets to make. However you don't have to put up with it for the rest of your life just because he's quite happy with the status quo!

If medication is a definite no-go then maybe see if he and you can think of some management strategies for him to use. Does he even accept that he likely has ADHD and that it's a problem in your relationship?

Why do you remind him to listen to his parents?
Surely he is big boy now.

It’s very hard when you are dealing with a child you love, and having to adapt and accept, and even fight for their rights, on the one hand. And on the other you have an adult in your life with a similar set of challenges, but you need to manage your boundaries instead.

It’s deeply confusing - your maternal side kicks in inappropriately. And if you reject your partner, it feels like rejecting your child, or your future child in some weird way. But being in a relationship that diminishes you isn’t good for your dc either.

Sending hugs and solidarity rather than advice.

I too do sometimes struggle to hear someone if I’m trying to concentrate on something else but he sounds rude and inconsiderate.

I would start by having a no phone rule at meal times.
This will be good for the kids too and let you actually communicate with each other.

@Goandplay my DH is ND.
I completely get what you are describing about how it feels like contempt whilst knowing he loves you very much.

As others have said, ND is how it is and it won't go away. However, I think that refusing to even look at medication is crap. Its the whole attitude on how 'it's your fault and you are just oversensitive' that isn't OK. It also probably comes from the fact he actually sees ADHD as a defect (so that would make him defective iyswim) and he doesn't want to accept that possible diagnosis (even if he is happy with his own dc diagnosis).

I am not sure how to approach it with him. With my dh either shock tactics (telling things in a very black and white manner) or on the contrary a soft gentle approach that doesnt require discussing things is what works better. It might be different for you and your DH.

However, I think another piece of the puzzle is have clear boundaries. When your dh interrupts you or stop talking about something that doesnt interest you, id pull him up. Not the least because otherwise you are teaching your dcs that it's ok to do that. A quick reminder "I was talking and you interupted me' or 'we were talkimg about X and Y' is OK to say. No judgement, just a statement.
Maybe this will make him realise how often he is doing that too.

Of course you've already got people telling you to LTB....!

My husband is similar, although not so much with the phone obsession. After years of this, it turns out he's actually pretty deaf and now wears 2 hearing aids (he's only 40). He seems so much more switched on and engaged now.

As for cutting across you when you're speaking, he does this too and it's hell. His whole family do it. Conversations between them all are a jumbled mess of half sentences and everyone barking over the top of each other at cross purposes. After an hour of it I feel like I've been beaten up.

What I do with my DH now is, when he talks over me, I stop dead in my tracks, let him finish speaking, totally ignore what he's said, and then continue. So a conversation will look as follows:

Me - "I had a really interesting conversation at work today about the cost of living cr....."

[DH jumps over the top of me with some tenuous anecdote or fact that he knows.
I go totally silent. Once he's done speaking, I don't acknowledge what he's said and continue as I was...

Me - "...crisis. Apparently 3 in 4 UK households only have £100 in savings".

It sounds bonkers, I know! But do consider the 'deaf' aspect.

Thank you to everyone who has replied.