Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My DH never hears me speak

52 replies

Goandplay · 14/02/2023 10:16

My DH probably has ADHD. Our child does and it clearly runs in the family.

My DH never hears me speak. I think is a mix of sometimes he is fixated on whatever he is doing and selective hearing. I think he has cancelled out my voice in his head. I am softly spoken but we will be side by side and he will what feels like ignore me.

I feel really lonely.

He is phone obsessed - he always has it in his hand and will obsessively Google everything. He cannot maintain a conversation he has no interest in and will often cut across me speaking (and other sometimes) with whatever has popped into his mind.

I don't know how to manage this. I've tried speaking to him and he just doesn't get it.

Also it's so hard not being able to have a passing comment on something and then having to repeat, then explain what it was related to. He will always seem confused with general chit chat but on the other hand will sit there reading his facebook out, or whatever Google has to say about an actor on tv while we are watching, fact about our local area...

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 14/02/2023 12:11

OP what was he like when you first met and during the early days of your relationship? I'm guessing not like this surely?

BrightSaturn · 14/02/2023 12:16

You must have fallen in love with him to marry him and have a child with him?

has he changed or has he always been like this? If it’s the latter then why did you marry him? You can’t blame him now if this is something that’s been the same since you met.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, I’m genuinely trying to understand how it’s got to this point where your husband never listens to you. It sounds really sad for you and you don’t want your child growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat/ or be treated by others.

Thesharkradar · 14/02/2023 12:21

Do it back to him, when he starts talking to you let your eyes glaze over and then take out your phone and start scrolling

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 14/02/2023 12:25

@007DoubleOSeven · Today 10:27
Adhd is not an excuse for contempt, op.

Absolutely! And it is no excuse for rudeness either

category12 · 14/02/2023 12:25

I think it would be different if he were open to medication or adopting strategies to help himself, but from what you say, he expects you to accept his behaviours and not do anything to meet you partway? In fact you're taking on responsibility for him by being his reminder device.

And as he's getting older (and perhaps because he has the informal diagnosis), he's not bothering to try as much?

Because he's not prepared to do anything to help himself, I'd be thinking about whether this relationship is good in the long term for me. And probably coming up with the answer- no.

Agreeable · 14/02/2023 12:47

Goandplay · 14/02/2023 11:12

He will resist any type of medication.

If we are visiting his parents I will text him to remind him to concentrate on what they are saying to him.

It's very hard to get him to do anything in response to this as he will feel that I am being over sensitive and I should know what he's like.

This seems to get worse with every passing year.

I wonder how many important conversations with our children, his family, friends etc he has missed over the years because he wasn't present.

I need to fulfil my conversation elsewhere. I feel jealous when I see other couples in deep conversation.

ADHD doesn't get worse.

If you/he thinks/says he has ADHD he needs to get diagnosed and medicated.

If he refuses to get diagnosed or take medication he's a twat and you need to tell him that.

IF he has ADHD (a lot of people seem to have 'ADHD' now without being diagnosed but it seems its more of an excuse to be a twat) then its effecting his life, your life and your child's life.

Intrepidescape · 14/02/2023 13:00

There is something called auditory dyslexia. I think I have it. I have to watch tv with subtitles or I can’t keep up. I read a lot on my phone because I can understand it. I can’t follow a show if there are no subtitles. It’s probably why I enjoyed watching foreign films from a young age - I knew what was going on. I absolutely hate Hollywood blockbusters because I don’t understand wtf is going on.

I can’t understand my partner half the time. My brain tries to fill in the words I can’t hear - so most of the time I’m guessing what he’s saying. It’s not selective hearing - I don’t choose to not hear him. I simply can’t. He talks very monotone and I just don’t understand him. A lot of the time I do simply ignore him because it’s too difficult to work out what he’s saying or he’s just saying things to annoy me.

It’s not a volume thing. It’s a syntax thing and the words jumble together and I have to unscramble them. Usually I just look at him confused. Some people are easier to understand than others.

TangledWebOfDeception · 14/02/2023 14:06

ADHD absolutely can get worse in terms of severity, AFAIK (but I’m not an expert, just to be clear!) - the more plates you have to spin, the more stresses and worries, the more overloaded your brain/body gets, the worse symptoms tend to get. I got markedly worse after a prolonged period of extreme stress at work combined with other major stressors over a short period of time. However I suppose it’s not necessarily the condition itself worsening. ADHD tends to improve over time IF/when people are diagnosed and take meds or take steps to manage it. If left to its own devices I would imagine it could certainly seem to observers to be worsening.

Thelnebriati · 14/02/2023 14:13

Start with the approach that its a communication issue, and ask him to go for couples counselling, they can help you both explore the issue and learn new ways to communicate. But you also need to think about what you want to do next if he refuses to go, or to engage with the sessions.

Agreeable · 14/02/2023 14:19

TangledWebOfDeception · 14/02/2023 14:06

You're confusing short term issues with long term mental health.

The condition does not get worse over time.

How people cope with it day to day can change depending on what's going on in their life at that specific moment.

TangledWebOfDeception · 14/02/2023 14:47

I did leave a caveat in there...

I also made it clear I was talking in regards to my own experience so of course it's only anecdotal. However even a cursory google search does bring up quite a few statements that ADHD can, in fact, become more severe, or worsen. Especially with stress. And/or with age if untreated/unmanaged.

If you have some links to a clear explanation as to how it's been decided that it does not ever get worse, I would like see them please! I expect that it's likely not as cut and dried as that, since there are so many variables that feed into and out of ADHD that it'd be pretty difficult to establish it with any certainty.

I know that in my case, even now when there are no stressors, and haven't been for a long time, my symptoms are much worse than they were.

TangledWebOfDeception · 14/02/2023 14:49

(by which I mean that how people cope with a condition like ADHD is part of that condition, isn't it. Ultimately it makes no difference to OP whether or not it's actually 'got worse' or whether he's got worse at coping with it)

lostinfusion · 14/02/2023 14:53

gosh OP you could have written this about my DH, I know exactly how you feel, mine is obsessed with reading the news on his phone. It feels so horrible to feel ignored by someone so close to you.

My DH has definitely got worse each year and says it himself so I understand what your saying about it getting worse.

Agreeable · 14/02/2023 14:55

TangledWebOfDeception · 14/02/2023 14:49

If you google "does adhd get worse with age" the first page of results all say no.

They do however suggest that peoples (everyone's, not just people with ADHD) ability to cope with certain stresses later in life does get worse and this means peoples coping mechanisms they have developed over the years for ADHD are not as effective but this does not mean their ADHD is getting worse.

TangledWebOfDeception · 14/02/2023 15:03

Plenty of hits also explain that actually it can get worse with time, and does for some.

I'm not going to argue with you about it, though. It doesn't make any difference to the OP's situation and I don't want to derail.

Original poster

Goandplay · 14/02/2023 15:06

lostinfusion · 14/02/2023 14:53

gosh OP you could have written this about my DH, I know exactly how you feel, mine is obsessed with reading the news on his phone. It feels so horrible to feel ignored by someone so close to you.

My DH has definitely got worse each year and says it himself so I understand what your saying about it getting worse.

How do you manage this? Does he do it to other people as well? I always feel awful for the other person when he does it.
My DH is lucky in the sense he is quite enjoyable to be around and funny so I think he's got this far on the basis of people thinking he's a bit bonkers. He's popular with friends and colleagues.

OP posts:

TrinnySmith · 14/02/2023 15:19

There’s lots of reports about a shortened attention span in the general public.
if I am on my phone a lot I have to sort of re adjust to eg read a book. And I don’t instantly get my attention back.
I would guess constantly read/scroll/read/scroll all day will affect his attention span.
thers a book by Johan Hari about it.
if he can’t put his phone away for a couple of hours a day then I’d give up on him. How will things get better??

TrinnySmith · 14/02/2023 15:20

You shouldn’t feel bad for the other person - the other person can make up their own mind.

Howdya · 14/02/2023 15:24

He sounds good old fashioned boring. I couldn't stay with someone that dull.

PeekAtYou · 14/02/2023 15:40

My teen ds has ADHD but he accepts this and works hard on living with it. I can be talking to him in a quiet room and be looking at each other but he clearly can't hear what I'm saying. If it's non-urgent then I tell him that we can chat later or he'll request to chat when his brain is less busy but he's my son so I will be inevitably more patient with that kind of behaviour.

If your h doesn't accept that his behaviour is a problem then I don't know what you can do. With my son it was easy to teach him to put down his phone so he can process my words or text him after a conversation too because sometimes that helps reinforce info like appointments. I wouldn't know how to deal with a "this is who I am so you need to suck it up" attitude. It is shit that he won't look into things.

MoltenLasagne · 14/02/2023 16:33

I struggle with auditory processing - not diagnosed with anything but I honestly will not hear other sounds if I'm reading something. It's like my ears have turned off.

My DH told me it felt like I ignored him too but rather than shrugging my shoulders and saying "that's what I'm like" we came up with ideas of how to help.

So I committed to:

not having my phone for large periods of the evening so we're actually spending time together. (I literally put it in a drawer so I can't see it)
If I realise he's speaking I stop and say "sorry, I missed that, start again and I'm listening" and then I actually concentrate on paying attention

And in return he now will say my name to get my attention, and if I'm actively reading something he'll put a hand on my shoulder or arm so I actually flag he wants my attention.

It felt a bit strange at first and it isn't perfect but we both actually make an effort. Plus I think being physically away from my phone has been great for my attention span so that's a plus.

lostinfusion · 15/02/2023 09:40

He is only really like this at home so doesn't do it to other people. He tends to keep his phone out of his hand when in company unless he has a work message to respond to.

I did get quite down about it last night when we were watching something on the tv & all he was doing was staring at his phone, wonder why I bother with him sometimes & just do my own thing.

CuriousMama · 15/02/2023 09:48

Have you tried giving him an ultimatum? Or at least asking him to turn his phone off?

Hohoholdthesherry · 15/02/2023 10:26

My phone is so bad for my ADHD. I have to put it away for big chunks of time in the evening, e.g. in a drawer away from the sofa or in a different room. And then I need to do something else like drawing or knitting or sewing to be able to have a conversation. If I am watching TV, once I stop looking at my phone I end up hyperfocusing on it so I can get through a film. But I constantly have to make an effort and pick myself up on it.

Original poster

Goandplay · 16/02/2023 07:35

I spoke to him yesterday. He agreed his phone was an issue. He was aware his phone takes up too much time.

We will see if he makes an effort when I point it out next time now.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3