Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

He's being ridiculous

56 replies

Helpmeoutforamoment · 13/02/2023 12:57

Argh I'm so bloody annoyed. DH has always been quite a jealous person although lovely in every other way and has been working hard on it, but today he has pissed me right off and I need a sense of perspective.

I ordered him a valentines present, it arrived today and the postman rung the Ring Doorbell, which sets off on DHs phone (he's at work) and I often can't answer the door when working from home so sometimes if I don't answer he will chat online and get them to put the parcel somewhere.

I happened to be able to answer and as we've had the same postie for a while I always have a few words with him. Today I said that I hated the voice on the doorbell. He said he hated them because a colleague had been caught swearing on one and had had a complaint raised.

I laughed and said something along the lines of "blimey I'm always swearing, I'd be in loads of trouble" postie said that he swears a lot and has to try not to t work due to all the door bells recording.

I said that swearing was clinically proven to relive pain when injured or upset and he said "I'll keep fucking doing it then" so I said go one then and fuck off while your at it. I then shut the door.

DH had clearly been listening in on the camera and messages to say that I was flirting with the postie and he was devastated!

I mean this was literally a minute long conversation and we just had a bit of banter then I shut the door. There was nothing at all flirty in the conversation.

I've told DH that he is being ridiculous and that I feel spied on and that he needs to grow up.

He says that it made him feel physically sick and that I was leading the postie on?!

I've told him that I'm not discussing this as it is frankly ridiculous and he needs to get a grip and grow up.

We are now not speaking!

OP posts:

WhineWhineWINE · 13/02/2023 13:01

He's being ridiculous

DisplayPurposesOnly · 13/02/2023 13:03

I've told DH that he is being ridiculous and that I feel spied on and that he needs to grow up.

You are correct.

SunflowerTed · 13/02/2023 13:05

He needs to work on this more and grow the fcuk up!

Tomeeornottomee · 13/02/2023 13:09

Physically sick? Is he always this much of a drama llama? Or just when you speak to a member of the opposite sex for more than a few seconds? I couldn't live like that. Sorry OP it sounds like your life is going to be an uphill struggle. 💐

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2023 13:12

I would return his Valentine's present and start to think about whether this is a marriage you want to remain in. If he is a "jealous" person then no amount of his being lovely in other ways makes up for that and for the fact that he is controlling. This is likely not the first time he's stopped speaking to you either.

This is controlling behaviour from your H and its abusive in nature. He is monitoring your movements at home. He is doing this also because he feels entitled to do so and you're living in a cage of his own paranoid making. If you have DC I feel for them as well because they're also living under the cosh of his regime.

Reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft would be of benefit to you.

MsMarch · 13/02/2023 13:15

Wow, that's INSANE. It sounded like a perfectly normal bit of banter to me. More importantly, he shouldn't b listening to you without your knowledge and he certainly shouldn't be melting down becuase you had a polite and friendly conversation with the postman.

I'm guessing that the "jealousy" he's "working on" has already impacted your life in all kinds of ways? What you wear? Where you go? What you do when you go out? How often you contact him/call him/text him when you're apart? what friends you hang out? The men you DON'T hang out with?....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2023 13:16

He also likes having you around because you also cook and clean for him. He also gets a kick out of you responding to him as you do as this presents him with a further challenge and incentive to bring you down.

We learn about relationships from our parents OP; what did they teach you about relationships?.

Look at his parents also; chances are one or worse both of them act like this too.

FlowerArranger · 13/02/2023 13:23

Yes he is being ridiculous - but this is actually very serious. Because this will not get better. It's an insidious form of coercive control and abuse. As time goes by you'll start self-censoring everything you say and do. The control will escalate.

Think very carefully about where you want to go with this, and how you would like your life to be, and whether this will be possible with him in it.

And do read that book by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free pdf online.

Naunet · 13/02/2023 13:37

He is being absolutely ridiculous, but we’ll done you for not pandering to it. Tell him to get therapy, rather than trying to control you because of HIS issues.

Pumpkintopf · 13/02/2023 13:40

Ffs. When you say he's been 'working hard at it' what does that look like? Because this overreaction to chatting on the doorstep doesn't look like someone who's aware that this is an issue for them and is trying hard to deal with it.
Also the fact he listened in would really piss me off. He's invaded your privacy then had a go at you?!

GoodChat · 13/02/2023 13:42

That's a massive invasion of your privacy.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 13:53

DH has always been quite a jealous person although lovely in every other way and has been working hard on it

It's not working, his "hard work".

He's listening in on conversations even though he didn't need to, because you'd answered the door.

He's reading stuff into a jokey but harmless conversation that wasn't there.

I find you can't fix people, usually men let's face it, like this.

Do you have kids?

Had he attended counselling of any sort?

Not that you can counsel someone out of this .... This is ingrained behaviour based on values..

This type of "illness" damages the partner as much or more than the person who has it.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 13:55

I have a feeling if you truthfully told us about all the examples of his jealousy - that wed tell you you should never have married him, and should have gtfo of there ages ago

You are just negotiating with a mad man, and he's most likely never going to change.

Him being lovely on other ways doesn't make up for or invalidate this totally unworkable behaviour in a decent relationship.

jannier · 13/02/2023 14:02

I wouldn't have the ring doorbell anymore. It's just another way of controlling people. How many people does he talk to in a day? Are you jealous of them all?
Unreasonable tell him to get a grip or jog on ....I wonder what he would do if you started working somewhere like Costa where he couldn't keep his eye on you?

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 14:03

I was in a relationship for about a year and 3 months with someone like this.

He didn't show it for about three months.

When he did show it, I should have ended the relationship. Looking back that is crystal clear to me. It didn't stop, it didn't change, it didn't let up .... No matter what he said.

There were only short periods where he pretended he was ok, and didn't express his "feelings" because he knew he was on thin ice. But he'd always revert to the same behaviour on a while.

Men like him truly feel they are entitled to act like that. They cannot truly see you or treat you as an autonomous person. They truly feel you are disrespecting them if you eg converse with other men - they spend their lives thinking about the ways and routes in which you could cheat or lay the ground work to cheat. Every man is a threat.

I ended up not mentioning a new temporary work colleague I had (attached with kids) because I didn't want to have to watch every word I said about him in case I was accused of acting inappropriately.

It is beyond stressful, and unfair and noone should have to deal with this in a relationship.

The funny thing is that while they are convinced you are treating them poorly ..... They are in fact treating you extremely poorly.

Ultimately they don't care. Their ownership, their security, their feelings are paramount and above every other consideration. It is a type of mental illness or personality disorder and I have yet to see a man who changed.

Their relationships will last only as long as they can get a woman to put up with their behaviour. That is currently you, the woman who is putting up with his insane (and actually abusive) behaviour.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 14:08

Tell him to get therapy

I don't think Lundy Bancroft for example reported any success whatsoever in therapising pathologically jealous possessive men (not abusive men).

You can't therapies their core values out of them.

Also op, note that men with serious issues where they know they'd be dumped by well.adjusted people for their behaviour .... Are extra nice in other ways to make up for it, to try to "balance" the scales and not get dumped/be seen as good.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 14:09

*nor abusive men

Bananalanacake · 13/02/2023 14:13

Does he feel physically sick when you socialise with work colleagues or friends too.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 14:15

*Today I said that I hated the voice on the doorbell. He said he hated them because a colleague had been caught swearing on one and had had a complaint raised.

You have a lovely sense of humour op, and that was a really funny, human to human bantery conversation. The type that cheers people up and makes their day nicer & lighter.

You can't even do that without a ridiculous, bullshit, batshit, negative, paranoid, hyper critical, jealous reaction to it. Without being made to feel bad, made to justify yourself, being accused of hurting his feelings etc.

This is absolutely shit, to call a spade a spade, it's abuse. You shouldn't have to live like this. People like him suck the fun and happiness and life out of their partner. Out of so many situations.

And it's clear it's a pattern too.

I'm sorry, but I don't think he'll truly change.

FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 14:17

He hasn’t been working that hard on his jealousy then has he? He isn’t going to change. A man who listens in to a conversation in that way then berates his wife for having a conversation with the postman is quite honestly frightening.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 13/02/2023 14:26

Yes, he's being ridiculous.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 14:33

I ordered him a valentines present

You can't even take receipt of a valentine's day present you thoughtfully ordered for him, and have a harmless jokey convo with the postman, without him listening in unnecessarily and then him giving you a load of shit about it; about nothing.

Think about this.

It doesn't actually matter how "lovely" he appears to be in other ways.

The fact that you say essentially"he's a jealous nut be he's so lovely in all other ways suggests you've had dysfunctional relationships with absolute shits before, so you think someone who is pathogically jealous but "lovely" in other ways is a good partner and worth saying with and taking this shit from. Does that mean he's not a cheater, or beater, or incredibly lazy, or otherwise nasty or something? Those should be givens, not ballast to balance extreme jealousy.

TroysMammy · 13/02/2023 14:39

You need to tell your H what you said to the Postie without the joke element ie "fuck off while your at it".

GoodChat · 13/02/2023 14:43

TroysMammy · 13/02/2023 14:39

You need to tell your H what you said to the Postie without the joke element ie "fuck off while your at it".

No she doesn't. He already heard. Because he was spying on her because she can't even talk to a man who knocks her door.

thumbellinatinylittlething · 13/02/2023 15:32

Please discontinue this relationship. I experienced the same thing. Stayed him him 7yrs. It escalated slowly, to the point that I couldn't look out the car window without being accused of eyeing up men. I had to face the wall when in a restaurant. Wasn't allowed workmen in my house unless he was there. He ruined me mentally.
Two years later, a woman messaged me via FB and said she was with him and asked me about his behaviour. I told her everything and sent photos of the document I wrote to the Police, giving examples of his coercive controlling behaviour. He was doing the same to her. Also turned out that he was cheating on me with her!
We then chatted and she thankfully kicked him out. She's thankfully happy now.
I logged it all with the Police in case another woman reported him and so he would be arrested.
I look back now and am gobsmacked that I put up with it, but it's subtle. My ExH never would have treated me like that.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread