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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's being ridiculous

56 replies

Helpmeoutforamoment · 13/02/2023 12:57

Argh I'm so bloody annoyed. DH has always been quite a jealous person although lovely in every other way and has been working hard on it, but today he has pissed me right off and I need a sense of perspective.

I ordered him a valentines present, it arrived today and the postman rung the Ring Doorbell, which sets off on DHs phone (he's at work) and I often can't answer the door when working from home so sometimes if I don't answer he will chat online and get them to put the parcel somewhere.

I happened to be able to answer and as we've had the same postie for a while I always have a few words with him. Today I said that I hated the voice on the doorbell. He said he hated them because a colleague had been caught swearing on one and had had a complaint raised.

I laughed and said something along the lines of "blimey I'm always swearing, I'd be in loads of trouble" postie said that he swears a lot and has to try not to t work due to all the door bells recording.

I said that swearing was clinically proven to relive pain when injured or upset and he said "I'll keep fucking doing it then" so I said go one then and fuck off while your at it. I then shut the door.

DH had clearly been listening in on the camera and messages to say that I was flirting with the postie and he was devastated!

I mean this was literally a minute long conversation and we just had a bit of banter then I shut the door. There was nothing at all flirty in the conversation.

I've told DH that he is being ridiculous and that I feel spied on and that he needs to grow up.

He says that it made him feel physically sick and that I was leading the postie on?!

I've told him that I'm not discussing this as it is frankly ridiculous and he needs to get a grip and grow up.

We are now not speaking!

OP posts:
thumbellinatinylittlething · 13/02/2023 15:35

My postie is also lovely and we chat whenever I see him. Do I fancy him? No!

Original poster
Helpmeoutforamoment · 13/02/2023 15:52

He has always been quite jealous. For full disclosure, we met when I was still married (but no longer living with) my ex and so I think that means he's never been fully trusting from the start. He knew the situation 6 years ago when we got together.

He hasn't been jealous like this for nearly a year. And this has come from nothing. I just asked him what exactly it is bout a conversation about doorbells and swearing that made me seem to be flirting and he replied to say the postman said I'm clearly a woman after his own heart and called me lovely.

What the hell do you do with someone that is so bloody unreasonable. Easy to say just leave him, but I really don't want to

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 15:58

GoodChat · 13/02/2023 14:43

No she doesn't. He already heard. Because he was spying on her because she can't even talk to a man who knocks her door.

Show quote history

I think you've picked this poster up wrong.

She means op needs to tell her h to fuck off

BalloonInvestigator · 13/02/2023 15:58

Ok, stay, and know this your life now.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 15:59

For full disclosure, we met when I was still married (but no longer living with) my ex and so I think that means he's never been fully trusting from the start

You were separated and not cheating so ......

I don't get it.

How did that cause him not to trust you?

GoodChat · 13/02/2023 15:59

Oh that makes sense now @TicketBoo23, sorry @TroysMammy Blush

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 16:02

What the hell do you do with someone that is so bloody unreasonable. Easy to say just leave him, but I really don't want to

I'm sorry, but you don't do anything with them. You can't fix him. He probably can't fix himself. I haven't seen a man like this change. They just kick around relationships for as long as it takes for a woman to realise what they're like and eventually end it (obviously sometimes they don't even it and just put up with the unreasonable behaviour and abuse - and it is abuse - til one of them passes away, or maybe men like this finally stop when they think their partner is no longer potentially attractive to literally anyone, but I doubt it, they'll still think their elderly whoever is coming onto her and she's "disrespecting" him by being friendly).

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 16:04

*they don't end it

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 16:06

This is a type of abuse, whether they mean it to be or not.

It just depends how long you want to take such abuse.

I found in the relationship I was in that there was the stress of the abuse/unreasonable behaviour; and then there was the lesser but still impactful, stress of the anticipation of the next issue/incident.

LoveMAFS · 13/02/2023 16:09

WhineWhineWINE · 13/02/2023 13:01

He's being ridiculous

Yup this. Your dh needs to work on his self esteem.

LoveMAFS · 13/02/2023 16:09

Where would we be in life if we couldn't have a giggle with people we meet throughout the day?

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 16:14

They try to force you to change into someone you're not ..... in order to prevent these incidents.

You are clearly outgoing, humourous, can banter; he wants you to change. When there nothing wrong with you, so he can feel secure (though nothing will ever make him feel secure).

He wants you to become a woman who is not comfortable or outgoing speaking to men. Who differentiates between men and women all the time.

I used to get criticised for speaking to men; eg I spoke to a male ex colleague outside a hotel on a night out at a concert .... I worked with him for a year or two, it would have been completely unnatural to me and unfriendly/uncivil to blank him and not catch up briefly.

When I was criticised I thought to myself "so you want me to act like somebody I'm not, you want me to act like a freak and blank someone I know ... Because they are male. (But presumably if they were female I could acknowledge them and catch up briefly). This is not a way anyone in a liberal democracy with human rights should have to act. I felt like asking him what would be next if I blanked males I know in the street to please him and make him feel secure .... Wearing a veil? Refusing to sit beside males on public transport?

Ive come to the conclusion men like him missed out horribly by being born in liberal democracies and not fundamental islamic states where want they want to do with women is normal and established.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 16:15

LoveMAFS · 13/02/2023 16:09

Yup this. Your dh needs to work on his self esteem.

Show quote history

His self esteem is high enough to act incredibly entitled and controlling and brow beat the op.

Sereni5 · 13/02/2023 16:18

FlowerArranger · 13/02/2023 13:23

Yes he is being ridiculous - but this is actually very serious. Because this will not get better. It's an insidious form of coercive control and abuse. As time goes by you'll start self-censoring everything you say and do. The control will escalate.

Think very carefully about where you want to go with this, and how you would like your life to be, and whether this will be possible with him in it.

And do read that book by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free pdf online.

☝️

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 16:19

It's not usually actually a self esteem issue.

It's an entitlement and ownership issue.

The anger comes from being not in control of a situation and the partner not acting how he wants them to, even though it's unreasonable.... Not low self esteem exactly.

There might be self esteem issues wrapped up in there, but it's more about their views/values around relationships and women. They see behaviour like op's (which there is nothing wrong with) as a threat and disrespectful to them.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 16:22

(And I'm still completely nonplussed as to how op, as a fully separated but not legally divorced woman, dating him meant he would not trust her in any way ..... Sounds like the bull shit and justification for jealousy and control started quite early).

hiyaKen · 13/02/2023 16:25

What gift did you buy him. Hopefully a dummy so he can spit it out?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2023 16:28

Your husband is a living red flag. What a creep.

frozendaisy · 13/02/2023 16:28

Just tell him you are not going to live like this because life is too short. You are not going to stop talking to makes because he gets unreasonably jealous. Fine sit and fume all you like but I am not going to listen to this nonsense anymore it's ridiculous.

And if you do make me listen to this jealous, insane, controlling nonsense it will be water off a duck's back and won't make me change any of my perfectly normal behaviour.

So what if another male does fancy me. There is nothing anyone can do about that, but as long as I am faithful to you, which I am, then this is a you problem no one else.

This jealousy isn't sweet or protective, it's controlling, over the top and suffocating and now it's getting very very boring.

Have I made myself perfectly clear.

See what he says.

MaireadMcSweeney · 13/02/2023 16:30

Helpmeoutforamoment · 13/02/2023 15:52

He has always been quite jealous. For full disclosure, we met when I was still married (but no longer living with) my ex and so I think that means he's never been fully trusting from the start. He knew the situation 6 years ago when we got together.

He hasn't been jealous like this for nearly a year. And this has come from nothing. I just asked him what exactly it is bout a conversation about doorbells and swearing that made me seem to be flirting and he replied to say the postman said I'm clearly a woman after his own heart and called me lovely.

What the hell do you do with someone that is so bloody unreasonable. Easy to say just leave him, but I really don't want to

Were you separated from your husband? Has he made you think you were somehow untrustworthy because you weren't divorced yet?!

MsMarch · 13/02/2023 16:42

For full disclosure, we met when I was still married (but no longer living with) my ex and so I think that means he's never been fully trusting from the start.

I don't really understand how this is a thing - unless there's more to this story, you were separated and, I assume, in process of divorcing or formally splitting, and started dating again? And somehow this new man, who fully enjoyed this becuase otherwise he couldn't date you, has convinced himself AND YOU, that this was CHEATING and makes you unreliable?

Wow, he's done a huge number on you OP.

Emmamoo89 · 13/02/2023 16:44

He needs to grow the fuck up

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 13/02/2023 16:46

Erm what? I met my DP when I was still married, the divorce was in progress- am I missing something? How is that cheating?!

I hate to say it OP, but my exH would often fly off the handle at harmless interactions (he called me once when I was shopping and heard a man in the background and accused me of having an affair) turns out he was having all sorts of sex on the side and deflected onto me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2023 16:47

"Easy to say just leave him, but I really don't want to"

And ask yourself why that is. There are always reasons why (perhaps you are afraid of him and his reaction, have some innate fear of being alone, financial concerns; all these and more besides can cause people to write the above). Its not "easier" for you though to remain with him and you will be in for more of the same and worse going forward. This will wear you down.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2023 16:48

May I ask how old you are now roughly speaking?. Late 20s to mid 30s?.

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