Can you love your husband and still have an affair?

[Walkinthesunshine]

Just that really?

Nope

Unpopular opinion probably but i think yes. You can still love them. There must be something lacking there, but you can still love them.

Why are you asking?

I think that love can change and morph into something that was different than what you had. But, ultimately you still love the person.

Or you tell yourself that you do because you feel like you must due to whatever your circumstances are.

It's ok to fall out of love with someone. What counts is how you handle it. And, you need to be able to give yourself the permission to walk away.

The guilt of an affair will destroy everything you know and love, including yourself.

Love? Maybe. Respect? Nope.

Would you believe your husband still loved you if he was having an affair with another man?

*another woman 🤦‍♀️

I think you can love them but I don't think you respect or care for them if you're willing to cheat.

I feel I do love the person I married because he is a good kind person who thinks the world of me but I am not sure if that is enough anymore. I'm not sure I ever really "loved" anyone.

I think it's possible to love someone but not be in love - like you want him to be happy and healthy and succeed in life but without having that burning desire to be by his side through it all.

No I don't think you can. An affair is always a supremely selfish act and I don't believe in "I can't help myself" - it's an active and deliberate choice.

To deliberately cause that sort of pain? Not love.

Finish your current relationship first or don't have the affair.

No

Love to me in an active thing. Without the actions of respect or care there is no love.

That's a fair point @ditalini

This is how I feel and I hate myself for it.

Presumably you just need to talk to him and work out how to separate @Walkinthesunshine?

People grow apart and that's ok. It'll be much better for him in the long run for you to be honest. If you care about him it's the kindest thing to do. Allow him to know the truth and, if he chooses to in the future, he can find someone who's in love with him.

I suspect you can but there will be something very wrong somewhere.

Could be the marriage is lacking emotional or sexual connection and always has. If you love them like a brother or a friend then you might look alesewhere, But should that marriage stay in tact anyway?

Or the marriage is broken and you are trying to keep it alive by adding an affair on the side.

Or the marriage is broken and you have truly fallen in love elsewhere but you are too scared of the fallout to be the bad guy and make the first move towards separation and divorce.

Or you (not you personally - I mean 'one') are ultimately a selfish person who wants what they want and has no moral issue with getting it. I'd want therapy if I was like that.

Ultimately, anyone thinking of an affair doesn't sufficiently respect their partner or value their marriage highly enough to steer clear of temptation - so at root you'd prize your own sexual and emotional gratification more highly than the happiness, trust and security or someone you claim to love. Is that love?

Yes.

Agree. There will be something lacking to stray, but I don't think it means you don't love them necessarily

Total lack of self-esteem? Troubled upbringing?

No because if you truly love someone, you're only purpose becomes to make them happy/ as happy as they can be in any situation. So if it was true love, you would break up with them first or be honest about how you're feeling and try to work through it with them.

Only purpose? Simply not true. When is life ever so black and white.

No. I agree love isn't just a feeling. It's actions. It's showing the other person you value them, you respect them and invest in them.

Its making an effort to keep a relationship alive. Its not being passive in letting day to day life take over and putting the other person into a box of just being with you day to day.

I also think that people don't have realistic views of long term relationships and if they took half the energy they put into seeking external validation from people they have affairs with into their relationship they probably wouldn't have an affair.

Yes, I think those would play a part. For example, if you grew up in a household where infidelity occurred and the marriage stayed together, then you might have normalised it and learned to make excuses for infidelity for a loved parent.

If you have no self-esteem then you'll be looking to get it externally and if a spouse is busy or preoccupied or not filling the needy, never satisfied desire for recognition then you might think an affair is the answer, when the real answer is therapy!

Or you might believe that the feeling of giddy intense excitement is 'true' love and not recognise or value the warm, steady glow of stable, long term love. This could lead to looking elsewhere. In that case I'd always recommend - do something with your life that is healthily risky and exciting. Not an affair - something that enhances your marriage and your life, rather than putting it in jeopardy. Take up stand up comedy or join a band or write a novel or start a business or train for a marathon.

An affair typically comes from not having needs met by a relationship. Plenty of relationships are that not great for meeting the needs of the individuals and sometimes due to past trauma, some of our “needs” can even be quite toxic (and subconscious) and dysfunctional like a desperate need to be needed due to lack of healthy childhood attachment etc. So yes I do think you can be very bonded to someone and they might not be able to meet your needs and you off go and seek that out elsewhere.

@WinterFoxes "not recognise or value the warm, steady glow of stable, long term love". This could lead to looking elsewhere. In that case I'd always recommend - do something with your life that is healthily risky and exciting. Not an affair - something that enhances your marriage and your life, rather than putting it in jeopardy. Take up stand up comedy or join a band or write a novel or start a business or train for a marathon.

The above is how I feel. I am a person desperately lacking in self-esteem. Do you risk a marriage that is fundamentally sound for a man who loves me for an affair that would lead to nothing just to be told you are pretty or exciting. I did see a counsellor for a while privately but it was expensive and I didn't bond with her.