Can you love your husband and still have an affair?

[Walkinthesunshine]

Just that really?

Sorry "a marriage to a man who loves me".

Love him, or love the life being with him helps you to get?

I think a lot of people ’love’ their partners more in the way what they do for them / helps to get status etc, rather than live them as a person.

Work on yourself. There are billions of resources out there to deal with your self esteem issues ad the likely childhood issues you had that led to such low self esteem. I wouldn’t work with a therapist I didn’t get along with either. They need to be a good fit and maybe you won’t need one. Audible or Amazon or you tube have millions of resources.

I have a fantastic husband but I don’t know that I truly appreciated him until I learned to appreciate myself. My self esteem was destroyed by abuse and a completely invalidating childhood where I was a character in the stories of others rather than a real person. Once I developed my sense of self and my self esteem I fell deeply in love with my DH because he was exactly what I deserved, a kind, generous, loving man who was utterly loyal to me. I actually get goosebumps thinking about him these days that wasn’t always the case.

My life tbh but that doesnt mean to say I am not thankful but yes he provides me with a good life.

Thankful enough for what he provides you with to be honest with him?

@AnneLovesGilbert Probably not.

@ Thepurplelantern That is a lovely post. I don't love myself because of the way I am.

Im sure you know whether you love your husband or not. Not everyone is great with monogamy and i wouldnt assume that those people just dont feel love for anyone.

I can see how people think they can love two people. It's far more palatable than any other option but to have an affair is such a nasty ,cruel and damaging thing to do to someone then I don't believe it's possible to do that to someone if you loved them.

Sometimes you may have to hurt someone you love but if you had any respect for them let alone any love then you would try and minimize the damage of the 'hurt'

The other problem is that having sex with someone else is also, potentially, putting the other person at risk without their consent.

It's not about monogamy though. I'm not poly but I do get it on some level. The thing is a healthy poly relationship - just like a healthy monogamous relationship - has respect and honesty as the foundation.

I think you can love someone, and still have sex with someone else. I don't think you can love someone and be dishonest with them or treat them without respect.

You might find this interesting
www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en

I agree. I don’t think just because you love one person doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else. The same thing when people say there’s no such thing as “the one” or soul mates and there are 8 billion people in the world so there are many people you could possible be the “one” with.

I think humans have the ability to love many people. Maybe unpopular and not saying I’d do it but I believe that you can

Well that's a valuable realisation. In your position I would do a great deal of work on self esteem first. Whether you stay in the marriage or not, have an affair or not, making these decisions with healthy rather than rock-bottom self esteem would be very useful to you.

Can you sign up for six CBT sessions free online, funded by NHS. You don't need GP referral if you are in UK. Many companies offer this. They give you lots of self-esteem worksheets, self compassion and self care worksheets. No counsellor is perfect or wholly 'gets' you but as long as they seem to have integrity, working with them can untangle some real emotional knots. It's a good starting point.

You could make a list of other things that would bring you joy, pride, self esteem. Are they worth a shot?

Does your marriage lower your self esteem? often on here people say 'I'm unhappy even though my husband is great' and then describe someone who isn't?

Do you have kids?

Tell a betrayed that they were ‘loved’ during their partners affair, when they were denied their right to informed sexual consent, gas lit, lied to, had their mental/emotional health decimated and were generally dehumanised and they’ll laugh in your face!

Love is a verb. It’s action based, affairs are far from that.

Affairs are often a sign of a deep brokenness and pass pain onto a innocent victim/victims rather than deal with it.

I'm not married but I love the guy I've been with for over 30 years But
I also like the rush of emotions that come with flirting with women.
I'd never cheat on him with another male but I suppose I do desire something he can't give me🤷‍♀️.
It does make me bad but I can't change who I am also.

Of course not. You are putting someone at risk of great pain, and trust me it is almost unbearable. Personally I wouldn't do that to anyone, especially not someone I loved, because I would never want to be the cause of that hurt to another human being. You clearly don't love him, and to be frank I fail to see how you can even like him to risk this. It's so fucking easy. If you aren't happy, end your relationship before getting a shag.

Infidelity is lazy, self-indulgent, selfish, and obnoxious - however it is understood in terms of your "needs" and how they were created by your upbringing, you are ultimately accountable for your actions. Recognising that you are tempted is acknowledging some kind of unfulfilled need, and that is fine - that, you cannot help, but, how you respond to that realisation comes down to making a choice whether to work on yourself, work on your relationship, or end it - all honourable options - or, cheat and hope for the best. That choice determines what kind of person you are, and we tend to reap what we sow over time on that score.

Love is such an ephemeral concept that it means different things to different people and different things in different situations; fidelity, honesty, monogamy etc... are all tangible.

Yup. Absolutely.

Every long term relationship is lacking something. Nobody can provide us with everything and time tests us all.
People who cheat value whatever the affair gives them above the real intimacy and integrity of their relationship.
People who don't cheat do the opposite. It's simple as that.

Love has so many meanings doesn't it? So it's hard to answer your question because everyone will have their own idea of what love is. For me personally - no, I couldn't cheat on someone I really loved and respected. But I'm very aware that people often stay together for variety of reasons that have little to do with love.

It’s a pretty worthless kind of love if you can treat them with such disrespect and hurt them so deeply.

I suppose it depends what you mean by 'love' - everyone will define it in their own way.

Personally, I am from the 'love is a verb' camp - it is through your actions you show your love - they speak loader than any words. The level of duplicity required in maintaining an affair means you would be consistently lying and deceiving the person you claim to love. That is not an act of love, therefore you do not love them at that time, in my view.

If you have a more abstract, sentimental definition of love, you may be able to reconcile the cruelness of the lying with the abstract notion that you love them. If you claim you love them means you still do. That sort of love is not for me, but we are all different in how we choose to live our lives.

Of course. Many people have affairs while still loving their spouses.

But what is the usual outcome and what would you be risking?

@WinterFoxes has it:
Ultimately, anyone thinking of an affair doesn't sufficiently respect their partner or value their marriage highly enough to steer clear of temptation - so at root you'd prize your own sexual and emotional gratification more highly than the happiness, trust and security or someone you claim to love. Is that love?

Clue: no

No.